"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

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Posted (edited)

>gossiping about me in my own journal

Welcome back @Marquess!

IS THAT A YES

hi

(Fun how often do I get the top of the next page in your journal. I'm starting to believe it's a skill.)

Edited by Marquess
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Posted

 IS THAT A YES

Nah man, not yet. 

I'm busy with the group to keep posting on a regular basis, but I lurk often and generally speaking, I'm making improvements in my routine. Sometimes. One or two good days, two or three bad days, rinse and repeat. At least now I'm aware of the cycle. I need to develop some strategy to counter it. 

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Posted

Well, I'll skim through the last few pages at some point. But idk, I mostly just hope you aren't still in the kind of limbo you were previously.

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Posted

I mostly just hope you aren't still in the kind of limbo you were previously.

Somewhat, sometimes. 

------------

"I lost all my momentum", it's a phrase I'm sick of saying. I relapsed on NoFap, I'm slacking in my commitment to the Beyond group when I was most illusioned and motivated, I've been failing on my habits and eating poorly, no one in my closest circles will support my decision to try the military and I've been feeling lost and alone for the most part. 

I also entered a relationship with a man.

Wait, what?

Yeah... somehow, some complete idiot I met while doing a test run on Tinder decided that I was charming to his eyes and I had no choice but reciprocate; very intensely.

It wasn't something planned in any sort, and "burdening" myself with a serious relationship was certainly not in my short-term goal list. But I was feeling lonely nonetheless so I downloaded said application everyone was talking about and gave it some swipes, for science and whatever else might develop, expecting some cordial fling or, much more probably, nothing at all. A failed 150 km radius search for women was about to confirm my suspicions until, after a whole week, embarrassed but hurt in my ego, I decided to take the leap and try the men's section. My hometown being a bit isolated, 20 km. would do.

Of course it blew my mind. Matches were raining down on me and I was completely overwhelmed. Believe me, I didn't swipe right more than 10 people and got 7 matches, all really interesting people (at first glance at least), and all my preconceptions about myself suddenly shattered. I was so used, all of my short life, to get kicked, patronized, and being considered a plain weirdo by the generality of the female gender. Always taking things for granted and treating people as if they were sparing lives or giving audiences in a throne room. Here, they won't even fill out their profiles. And they all looked the same.

With men, I didn't have any kind of experience, no one ever hit on me, but again I was also told that I didn't give out the "vibes" or did publicize my liking for them broadly, so that was to be expected. I was simply busy trying to be friends with anyone in my ultimate very own DIY asexual experience. Too straight for guys, too homo or "unmanly" for girls, and a bit weird to boot. Or so I thought. Once I dared to put on myself a big rainbow signal, figuratively, everything changed. And amidst all this confusion, I met him.

I will spare you the more sugary details but we connected immediately. It's funny. He's been what I would call much more successful than me, having finished a really hard career and leading a straightforward life so far, and yet we seem to share some elemental fears on what to expect next. And a shared fear of intimacy as well. Whatever worry I have, he understands perfectly and has always the right, most loving and supportive answer. And whatever problem he might be facing, I somehow happen to know the ideal reaction, don't even ask me how I manage to pull off such empathy. With him, it just works. With him, I'm not a mere robot, and that's much more than I could ever say about myself. So of course, I had to go an fall for said idiot since he almost seems blessed with an unnatural knowledge of my inner workings and what makes me tick emotionally when the time calls for it. So, I'm young, healthy, studying (sometimes -_-) and in love.

And of course, it's happening. The more I'm getting closer to having a normal life, the more resistance my body is putting. Despair can't work without hope. All this improvement is but a slim speck of hope necessary in order to smite me, utterly and definitely. That's what some that twisted part of me wants to think. But I will have the last laugh, oh yes. Despair and pride are an explosive combination. 

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Posted (edited)

Wow, I'd call that progress then.

Also HAHA GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY nvm just noticed you made moderator

But yeah, I think it's great that you've found someone. Perhaps just to point out a trap that you're probably aware of (at least on an intellectual level, which often isn't enough): don't ever become dependent on any relationship. You're two separate individuals in a relationship that's mutually beneficial, and while that relationship can certainly induce all sorts of pleasant emotions, thinking you somehow make "one whole" that's made out of two "imperfect pieces" is both factually wrong & can lead to a disaster. Just don't.

I do miss being in a relationship now, actually, even though I know I'm not ready for it. My country's tranny factory is very close to the unit I live in right now, so I think I'll take advantage of that. I hope we can work something out - whatever that might be. It's been years, and I can't live like this any longer.

I find nofap to be unnecessary and perhaps even redundant - at least when there are a number of other, more crucial, things to sort out. I'd always tell people to yeah, get your life together, but fap away, my dude. I agree that there are benefits to it, but the way most people approach it is by trying to improve their lives on several different fronts at once, and of course they then mostly fail.

lolol im actually posting this

Edited by Marquess
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Posted (edited)

@Marquess Whoa man, you can't even begin to guess how anxious that thought, the possibility of falling into yet another codependency, makes me feel. I've been stressing myself over it again and again; every little detail adds to the sum. I'll give you the latest example:

I spent yesterday with him after a surprise visit the night before to cheer him up (he has a problem managing anxiety and indecisiveness and life has recently put him in a crossroads). We crashed his home with his parents sleeping, cuddled and slept together, and then spent the next day (yesterday) in a really lovey-dovey standard fashion. It left me satisfied but emotionally exhausted. It seems emotional exhaustion it's a thing even for positive emotions, I didn't know. I neglected my responsibilities and he confessed me

he was a virgin (and still is).

The mix of putting aside my stuff and potential infatuation on his part made me panic. I don't want to commit, but I don't have any reason, rational or emotional, to fight the flow. The guy is nice, I like him, he likes me and we care for each other. What am I getting so upset about?

Beyond ended, and I have a new resolve to keep my stuff going, specially with this newfound emotional support. An improvised flash piece of erotic prose I wrote for a contest was chosen to be published among others. My name in a book for the first time, woo! Guess I found proper inspiration for once...? 9_9

Edited by Hitaru
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