"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

3rd time's a charm right?

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Posted

Day 15

Hit a huge road block with the programming yesterday that has pretty much derailed it.

Started gaming again but I managed to get a small amount of programming done. I woke up in a major depressive mood today.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Day 16

 

Woke up this morning feeling absolutely terrible. A storm of physical aches, depression and a total lack of energy. Stayed in bed until almost 4 pm. Got a tiny amount of programming in.

Still gaming.

Edited by none239

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Posted

How is gaming serving you?

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Posted

How is gaming serving you?

It's a complete hindrance as always.

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Posted

Hello!

Ah, learning to play guitar, huh?

This will hurt a lot your fingers, but only at the beginning.

First 2 weeks are the worst, but then everything is getting better.

If you're a real man, than you can handle it right? :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Posted (edited)

Day

Hello!

Ah, learning to play guitar, huh?

This will hurt a lot your fingers, but only at the beginning.

First 2 weeks are the worst, but then everything is getting better.

If you're a real man, than you can handle it right? :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

I'm going to move back in with my mom so I've abandoned guitar for the time being.

 

Day 17

 

I'm remembering what it was like during that year I was unemployed. I was constantly feeling an almost physical pressure due to the guilt I felt for mooching off my mother. 

I've felt like that over the past few days. It drains my energy, causes me VERY scary chest pains, and just sends me into pretty intense depression spirals.

Just finished meditating and I had a realization. The reason I gave up on things is all due to stress. I've spent years at a time stressed to the point where I would get physically ill in certain situations.

The best counter to this is a sort of self-pep talk (It's pretty much just that. A bit of self encouragement. ). And the I give myself the best self-pep talks while meditating.

Edited by none239
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Posted

Did not play video games yesterday. So I'm restarting the 90 day detox in earnest..

Day 18

Physically moved laptop out of my bedroom before bed. Knocked nearly four hours off of my morning "unproductive time". Meditated as soon as I took my morning shower and went back to programming. 

 

 

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Posted

Did not play video games yesterday. So I'm restarting the 90 day detox in earnest..

If you can do it one day, you can do it any day.

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Posted

Day 18 cont.

 

Went to local PFLAG meeting. Haven't been going for the past few months, a few times because of video games. I felt a lot better about things in general. I know I need to go to more social events, but I'm still struggling with some left over social anxiety. 

Leader of local PFLAG group asked for people to speak to local high schools and political groups about our life experiences but I felt too insecure to sign up.

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Posted (edited)

Day 19

`Woke up today feeling petty bad. Tired a little dizzy  and with a mild migraine. Grandfather asked me to come stay with him for a few hours. I did but  he went to sleep and I ended up watching a gaming stream and I wanted to start gaming again so badly that I downloaded a game. It took all of my will power did not play.

After I got home my symptoms intensified to the point where I could not do anything other than lay in bed for the rest of the day. 

 

Day 20

Still feel a little bad but not nearly as bad as I felt yesterday. I haven't been that sick in months. Deleted game as I still had strong urges to play it. Noticed that permanently deleting games seems to help with urges greatly.  Luckily the games I like are not browser games. Still maintaining detox. Started reading the power of habit and realized I may need to permanently give up games since I almost go into a trance like state while gaming.

 

Edited by none239
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Posted (edited)

Day 21

Still reading the power of habit and I had a few revelations recently.

1. I find it much easier to avoid watching youtube in the morning. I actually had the laptop next to my bed and I watched a youtube video but I knew that watching "one more video" would only end with me watching hours of videos and stopped myself. 

 

2.  The reason I find creating new habits so difficult is that I never reward myself and the end reward for the habit is something I've never had.

      I can't seem to devote myself to a diet since I've been out of shape  all my life and I can't even imagine being in shape.

      The same applies to learning Japanese.

3. I've come to question whether or not I was having fun playing video games at all.

   I can think of the last game I played before my 3rd attempt, this is actually my 4th attempt, at quitting games. The game was about a group that crash lands on a planet and has to find a way off while fending off the elements, ect. The game was a lot of fun in the beginning due to all of the tense action, but after a while... everything becomes mundane. You pretty much nullify all threats but the game continues on towards it's end goal at a snail's pace.

I remember spending hours trying to mod the game to be more interesting but it still had huge tracts of time where nothing really happened. I knew that I was not enjoying myself but, I could not will myself to stop playing. What was the reward of playing the game?  I can only guess that the trance I would enter was the reward. I didn't have to worry about being unemployed, bills ect.

What do I get from gaming? The crash landing game  was not fun for long. I did not get anything tangible. I hated multiplayer games so I had no community to interact with. I should have played  for a few hours and lost interest. But I know that I have to have played that game for a minimum of 200 hours. (The developer actually added a few features that makes every achievement you get come to you much slower so I could easily have spent twice as much time on it.). I can think of another game that literally forced you to play the whole game over again if you made one mistake!  But only after you sunk a 50 to 100 hours into it. (I hear that they plan on releasing DLC soon.)

It's just habit. I used to get up in the morning at 8 am, start playing and when I looked up it was 8 pm. I did this for years at a time.

 

Now that I think about it again the time I spent playing individual games varied greatly. 

I can think of one game I could only play for about 30 minutes before it got boring. Another I could play for 2 - 3 hours. But as I that crash landing game? Hell if I really wanted to play it badly enough I could play it almost 20 hours straight. And I'm almost certain I have at least once and I can think of two others that I know I've played for 20 hour binges.

Though now that I'm talking a close look at my habits that seems extremely unappealing right now.   

 

Edited by none239
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Posted

2.  The reason I find creating new habits so difficult is that I never reward myself

Any ideas what rewards you can give yourself now? Here's a video I have on rewards.

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Posted (edited)

2.  The reason I find creating new habits so difficult is that I never reward myself

Any ideas what rewards you can give yourself now? Here's a video I have on rewards.

 

I don't know honestly. Video games where so intergral to my life that they where the reward and objective of my life. I'm trying to think of rewards that don't involve high calorie foods.

 

Day 22 and 23

Power company found major issue with lines on Day 22 and I had no power all day. Realized that I have a lot of time I have trouble filling without computer.

I noticed that since I did not do too much productive work on 22nd day it was very difficult to start again on day 23 and to be honest I did not get anything significant done.

 

Edited by none239

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Posted

I noticed that since I did not do too much productive work on 22nd day it was very difficult to start again on day 23 and to be honest I did not get anything significant done.

At least you wrote an entry here! That's significant! :)

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Posted (edited)

Day 23 cont.

Had a an extremely hard time going to sleep due to worries about the future.

Day 24

The day I hoped would never come is here. I'm out of money. I have a whirlwind of emotions about this. Initially I felt strangely empowered. I had to truly put my all into quitting video games or else. There's no do overs now.  Then I tried to search for jobs online and as I mentioned in the early days this triggers me hard. I feel a little better now that I've had a few hours to stop worrying about things.

 

Edited by none239

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