"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

Mhyrions journey

165 posts in this topic

Posted

Thanks for sharing Mhyrion! A lot of good stuff coming up - even if it's from a frustrating experience. We will discuss it more this weekend!

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Posted

I really like reading your journal, don't stop doing that

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Posted

Day 96

 

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@Simms @Senescence @fil @Cam Adair Thanks for your replies. I appreciate it!

 

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Oh my, I forgot to update my journal. I did write some but I didn't get around to post anything. Long story short, my lack of consistency led to a lot of procrastinating, which led to feeling down, which in turn cascaded to a relapse past Monday. I am grateful that I only relapsed for 10 hours (I was very "efficient" with those hours though). This week wasn't the most productive, but I have spend a lot of time with on self development and social things. So it doesn't feel like a bad week to me. I also didn't procrastinate much, and if I did I stopped myself before going down to low quality shit. I didn't end up watching things that I don't have interest in. Right now I have (once more) committed myself to staying consistent. Gotta get those morning routines down and the rest of the days will follow.

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Posted

What is Hitaru?

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Posted

What is Hitaru?

He is a Game Quitters Legend, and the Official Game Quitters Ambassador to Spain: @Hitaru

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Posted

What is Hitaru?

What is Hitaru?

He is a Game Quitters Legend, and the Official Game Quitters Ambassador to Spain: @Hitaru

^.^

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Posted

Day 97

 

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What is Hitaru?

What is Hitaru?

He is a Game Quitters Legend, and the Official Game Quitters Ambassador to Spain: @Hitaru

^.^

<3

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Today was once more a not so productive day for my study. This morning I felt like I did all the steps to be productive. I did my morning routine, I had a schedule, I felt fine emotionally. But I still was so attracted to procrastinating. So there had to be something wrong, else I wouldn't act in that way. But I couldn't find the cause. When I went outside for a walk, I started to feel nervous. I still don't know why, it didn't make sense. I guess it still doesn't really. It's getting a bit frustrating again, but I've learned this week that being patience with myself is a lot more useful. So I am going to try to be kind and patient with myself. I also got to the conclusion that I do not like the way I perceive life. I rather see challenges instead of struggles, opportunities for growth instead of potential to fail. That's also why I need more patience with myself, because a lot of these changes are going to take time and consistency over time. 

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Posted

I am back to my happy state and today has been a good day so far. The only thing that really went wrong is that I decided to breakfast with chocolate. But, besides that.. I've been productive for my study and might've found a media music student that's willing to make music for my animations. That would be super awesome. It also motivated me to update some of my old sketches and adjust the wording of my concept. I need to be able to convey my ideas on this person who's not into visual image making, so it needs to be clear. I also done a lot of little household and administration tasks, and as a result my head has much space to think now. My commitment to my morning routine is having a good effect. Now I need to stay consistent (and not get cocky and think I can go without) I am also committed to staying kind and patience with myself. This is having a good effect also. I am less afraid to make mistakes this way.
 

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Posted

@ mhyrion  how are your animations, do they have music now :) ? How was your last week going?

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Posted

I had a great week, until I relapsed again. I was super busy, doing all kind of things I wanted to do. Put in a lot of study hours, caught up with my sister, had good conversations with my hubby. I was super chaotic though, which led to some frustration. I decided to be kind with myself, but I was making it really hard to do so. I went to get groceries without bags. Half an hour lost. I got to the train station without my card. Another half an hour lost. I took a intercity instead of a sprinter train. Another half an hour lost and also 15 euros. And then I forgot a skype appointment, which made me feel very irresponsible and untrustworthy. I tried to laugh it off and/or be relaxed about it. But it all added up, I was done with it. I came home at Thursday night, somewhat frustrated. I had a headache, and the train failed me, but it was not tóó bad. I was very happy with my progress for my study this week, I was proud to be consistent with my morning routine. I was reasonably happy. But on Friday….

 

On Friday, I woke up, headache wasn't gone yet. I felt like shit due to my period, but I knew it was coming. I had an appointment at the academy, to ensure that I would be productive. But hubby was also gone for two days. And hubby being gone, means the opportunity to relapse. This has taught me that there's something wrong with my reasons to stay game free and progress. I don't need to stay game free for my hubby, although that's one of the best reasons. But I should do it for me. My relapse was really bad. I played for about 30 hours straight, no sleep, loads of coffee, only a couple of small activities of at most a half hour in between. I didn't even do this shit when I was gaming every day. If you know me, you know that my nights sleep is sacred to me. Sleep deprivation was an interesting physical experience, but I rather not repeat. Hubby has now disabled me from downloading my favourite venom, I am probably not crafty enough to bypass whatever he did to lock me out. On one hand I'm happy with this, because it's a form of help. On the other hand I want this to not be necessary, but it is.

 

After relapsing I felt really bad. I still do. I want to snap out of it. Change the meaning of this shit from struggle into challenge. I fail. Everything feels like a fucking struggle challenge today. It is pathetic. I have to go to the academy to save my stuff which I left in the room that's no longer under my reservation today. Besides that I promised hubby to stay alive and not harm myself today, which should be attainable. I can't imagine how hubby feels about me right now. It must be super frustrating for him too, to have a wife that just keeps falling back into old and harmful habits. He's been so kind to me, hugging and cuddling me, putting up with all my crying. I don't know what I would do without him. He said I could call him when things get too bad. I told him we both know I will never do that. That's part of the problem. When things go to shit, I will not inform anyone. I have so many people in my life that have offered me to be there for me, that I can app/text/call them when I need them. But I never do. It's too great a risk to show this irrational, dark side of me. Especially if I have to face them irl after that. I can't even put up with myself, let alone other people. This is also part of the problem, the fact that I just can't stand myself to be around with 24/7. Geez, who would want that? I can't keep up how I am 100% happy the one moment and 100% depressed at the other moment. And how I know what actions to undertake, but I just don't do those. Or what actions to avoid and purposefully choosing to do those when I am in one of my destructive moods. My self-knowledge is more often times hurting me then helping me. I don't understand the whole 'I feel bad, let's make it worse' kind of moods I get into. Why? Sitting it out would be a better option then making it worse on purpose. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll always end up exactly like this. And that makes me want to forget about life at all. What's the point of it if I can't change the outcome? I don't care if I can be happy for 2 months in a row if I still end up like this miserable ball of human I am now. I can't build a stable and respectable life around being unstable.

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Posted

Hi Myhyrion.

I read your journal and your latest post.

I have 2 pieces of advice for you. 1# pick 1 person and promise to call him/her when you feel really, really bad. Depressed or hurting yourself. Trust him or her with handling how shitty you feel.

and 2# The goal can never be stable on its own. Take 3 things, or less, or more that you want to do right. Maybe journal here should be 1 of them. Doing these things right is being stable. It never is about feeling great, or awesome, or feeling stabilized the whole day. 

 

Greetz,

Rick

PS: your mood swings. The extremity of it, the conscious decisions to go deeper in the the dark. It will shatter. Probably not today, but maybe tomorrow. Maybe you see what good you did yesterday, and you know you can do it again.  

 

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Posted

Sorry to hear you've relapsed :(  I have the same issue that blocks me from reaching out to anyone for help in my bad moments. It just feels too awkward to me to bother anyone about my cravings to relapse.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you came back here! I read your journal regularly and definitely would miss you if you've given up now 

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Posted

Thanks for your support guys! <3

 

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I've been recovering from my relapse and terrible mood. I have not been greatly productive, also because I totally dumped the good habits I build up. Gotta get those back on track again. Being consistent really isn't my strong point. :/  Completing the goals I set for myself (like completing a morning routine everyday) is not faring too well either with my relapses. I also feel like I put to much worth on my morning routine, not doing it doesn't automatically means my day is ruined. It greatly helps to do them, it's not to be underestimated, but I shouldn't go on a guilt trip every time I skip it (partly). But the one habit I want to pick back up asap is eating and drinking healthy again. I was so happy with more energy, and now I am destroying it again. Maybe I should consider myself a sugar addict too. Today I had an energy drink, the first after a month or so soda free. It's nice (?) to notice the effect is has on my focus, because it is utterly destroyed. I wasn't aware that the effect was so big, but experiencing it like this is a good wake up call. 

 

Lately I've been indulging myself in sermons and social activities from church, and it makes me happy. Tonight we have another meeting, and I am really looking forward to it. Last time I picked up translating (we're watching English spoken sermons), and that really made me feel useful and happy. The preacher also has a fat accent and mumbles at times, so I feel it's improving my English listening skills at the same time I learn new things. They're happy evenings too, with a lot of laughing and smiling and funny/powerful Holy Ghost things. It feels weird to move back to all this, but also comforting and, dare I say it, purposeful. I believe I've said in this journal before that I cannot go back to my Christianity without going fully (and radically) for it, and I believe I can. I am not sure how much of it I want to share here, faith and the internet normally don't go well together.

 

So, I told myself that I don't want to be a rollercoaster, that I should not say this time and again about myself as it is confirming an image that I do not want to be true about my life. But then I see what I wrote today, and what I wrote yesterday morning, and I cannot deny the mood swings that are happening. It feels strange to enjoy my happiness today, as it, considering the downs that it will be in between, will be short and feels in that way superficial.

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Posted

I am back to my happy peak. I am enjoying it today. The sun was also shining today, things like that really help. I was pretty productive, but I am through my focus now. But I am satisfied that I have only done activities today that I want to do. No procrastination. That doesn't mean I did the most important stuff first, but still. It's pretty easy being patient and kind with myself when happy and doing useful things.

 

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Posted

Thank you again for sharing your journey, it's inspirational.

Those last few posts are a rollercoaster. Very glad to hear you've found a happy peak again. So good you have the support in your life too. Keep up the good work!

 

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