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Mhyrions journey

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Posted

Entry 11

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Day 12

Was way too tired to reply to your replies yesterday, and lazy in replying the other days, so here we are:

 

@Robert Arctor You write true words. I do recognize the 'void' you mention, the laptop screen can really suck you up. Thanks for your positivity. I went and looked at the clean floor after reading your post and felt very accomplished, haha.

 

@hycniejsy

Well it looks like we're almost on the same day!

Same day, different page. You've set quite some goals for yourself. Truly mad. I have indeed established a morning routine by now, and it's really helpful. I'm working of making good habits out of it now, it would be wonderful to be able to do things on auto-pilot.

 

@phpsmith Thanks for your reply. It's amazing what a little exercise can accomplish indeed. I enjoy reading your journal as well.

 

@Cam Adair Thanks for keeping tabs. I enjoy your youtube videos, they are very insightful.

 

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Today was thankfully quite uneventful. The firework noise and music are enough to deal with today. Worked hard again. Tonight my hubby and I planned to see the documentary Earth, play board games and enjoy a glass of wine and some brie and blue cheese. Really looking forward to that.

 

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Things that I'm grateful for today:

-these forums and the great people that make it work

-my fun and supportive husband

-the spacious living room I can use for my study

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Posted

My wife and I have picked up some new board games over the holidays, I may have mentioned it in my journal but I'm mentioning it again here. It's something we are both really getting into, but we both did find out really quickly that playing over 2-3 hours in a day can really wear on you. There are lots of board games that are very fun and engaging out there, one I've been really enjoying is called Pandemic - it is a cooperative game where 2-4 players try to save the world from the spread of 4 different diseases.

Great job on 12 days so far, each day away from games is another day towards feeling better about how you spend your time.

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Posted (edited)

Entry 12

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Day 13 and 14

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@phpsmith Thanks for your reply and suggestion. I'm going to look if Pandemic it's something for us too. We played Monopoly and Set on NYE, but liked the latter the most. We're looking for more fast paced games. It's really great how playing these board games provide an platform to really connect with each other.

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Day 13

I decided to cut myself some slack today and slept till 9.00, then went to study. Everything I planned takes way more time then I had thought. I decided to take a glance at my to-do list, seeing how much I had done this past 2 weeks, and how much I still need to do. I realized I can't make the deadline at the end of January. I was really sad about this, failing is never fun. Failing a second time in a row really sucks. I wanted to take a break, go outside for a bit, but I could not find my phone. I woke up my hubby while looking for my phone not so patiently nor quietly. He asked what was up, clearly I was very upset. I cried a river. So we talked about my study, and how it is likely I will fail graduation again. He looked at the to-do list and agreed it is indeed optimistic to think I can complete all that in just 3 weeks. Maybe it was foolish to think I could still save my study in a month, but I would've likely done nothing at all if I already gave up a month ago. Right now, I've made a lot of progress, just not fast enough. So today, I decided to not graduate this January. This will make the new deadline somewhere in June. At least now I have a lot of time to get my life together, set good routines and habits and -gloriously- succeed my study in the end.
 
I'm worried how I'm going to tell my family about the further delay, they really don't understand anymore. It's not like I'm studying maths, how hard can it really be? Also, of course I told them that I would succeed the second time. I didn't know why not. I did not see the error in my ways yet at the time. So I've been giving them updates about how all was going well for the past months, while that was not the case. It will not be really surprising if they're surprised about this outcome. I don't know If I should tell them about my gaming detox. I don't think they're stupid, but I'm not sure whether they understand how you can get caught up in games so badly. Does anyone have experience with telling their parents or other family? I'm really unsure how to proceed in this.
 
Besides all this, I still had a pretty great day. I guess I felt relieved that I do not have to do battle with an ever more doom spelling deadline. I really connected great with my hubby today also. We decided that I will organize his stuff. I guess the pressure of his father wanting to sell the house has set in.  He had a room of 6m2 that was full of stuff; old, new, rubbish and valuables, all together and untouched for months. All in all, I've spend about 5 hours or so trying to make a system of all my hubby's stuff. The room is almost clear now, and that really feels great.
 
I've strayed a bit from my good routines I set up for myself the past week. Tomorrow I want to pick them up again.
 
Day 14

Waking up early sure is easy when your hubby's alarm clock is set at 5:45. I'm a morning person, so after 30 minutes or so, I was wide awake. My mind is really active today, I also dreamed a lot last night. Mostly it was LoL again, playing my favourite champion. It looked really fun. A voice-over got stuck in my head, something along the lines of 'This is but a battle, I've already won the war'. I'm sure it's derived from a famous quote of a well known thinker/warrior. Whatever the case, I was hearing this in my head over and over again. At one point I decided to just go along with it and think about it. In League, in theory, all you have to do to progress is win 51% of all your 'battles'. Then you will in the end win the 'war'. If I consider this for my life, I have also only have to win 51% of my real life battles to consider myself the victor of life. I can easily do 51% percent, and a lot more then that too. It also means that it is okay to lose one battle. I do not have to start all over again if I fail one day, one morning routine, one whatever. I can just carry on winning the rest of the day or week. I realized I have troubles with losing just one battle. I'm easily discouraged. Things along the lines of: Well, I didn't manage to go to the academy before 10, so I might as well not go at all, today is lost. It's really silly if I now think about it, but this happened so often.
 
Today I decided that study is now my number one priority. I of course had gnawing doubt today. Is this really the right decision? Is there no way you're going to make it? I had to convince myself again with my to-do list. In theory, if I work like a machine everyday the next 3 weeks, I might perhaps make it. I'm not a machine, I will make mistakes, so the slight chance of making it is therefore zero. But, I'm not going to sit still now that I have plenty of time. If I have time left, I can get a job in the meantime, or do something else that's useful. Right now I need a clear goal and something to spend the vast majority of my time on. I still don't know how to plan though, so I kept record of how I spend my time today. I will do this a couple of days, in the end I will have a decent understanding on what activity costs how much time. I can then also determine if I like the way I spend my time now and if I can improve on it.
 
I started reading a new book today, 'What are You Looking At?: The Surprising, Shocking, and Sometimes Strange Story of 150 Years of Modern Art'. The title in Dutch is way more entertaining, loosely translated to: 'My little sister could make that: Why modern art is art'. It started out really fun and entertaining written like a novel, explaining Marcel Duchamp's artwork named Fountain. With Fountain, Duchamp questioned why art is considered art, what the role of the artist is (or should be) and introduced the idea that not the material but the concept should be the starting point of art. The latter is mainstream now, and it's very hard to image the art and design world without it. Of course, with art history we've talked about all this, but reading it like this is far more memorable.

 

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Things that made me happy:
-my supporting husband
-the sun
-my bike
-the cat
-the Dutch landscape
-decision making
-a clean room

-peace and quiet

 

 

2017-01-02.jpeg

Edited by Mhyrion
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Posted

 

@hycniejsy

Well it looks like we're almost on the same day!

Same day, different page. You've set quite some goals for yourself. Truly mad. I have indeed established a morning routine by now, and it's really helpful. I'm working of making good habits out of it now, it would be wonderful to be able to do things on auto-pilot.

Well, it's not my first detox, so I push this one to the limits!

Everyone is different here, but sometimes we have something in similar.

Trust me, that establishing a morning routine is in most cases win-or-lose the day. And if you established it, then you're a winner.

 

Btw. I really like the landscape. How it's possible that in Poland it's snowing and in the landscape it isn't? :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Posted

It's your life. You get to have the final say on your decisions. You appreciate and respect everyone else's opinion, but at the end of the day, you are doing what's best for you. I don't talk to my family or friends and ask their permission for anything, I share it from a place of sharing it with them because I care about them, but whatever their opinion is, that's their opinion, and I'm still going to do what I believe I need to do for ME.

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Posted (edited)

Entry 13

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Day 15 and 16

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@hycniejsy

Well it looks like we're almost on the same day!

Same day, different page. You've set quite some goals for yourself. Truly mad. I have indeed established a morning routine by now, and it's really helpful. I'm working of making good habits out of it now, it would be wonderful to be able to do things on auto-pilot.

Well, it's not my first detox, so I push this one to the limits!

Everyone is different here, but sometimes we have something in similar.

Trust me, that establishing a morning routine is in most cases win-or-lose the day. And if you established it, then you're a winner.

 

Btw. I really like the landscape. How it's possible that in Poland it's snowing and in the landscape it isn't? :D

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

 

@hycniejsy You're totally right about the morning routine. I found out again today.

About the landscape: we don't have real winters in the Netherlands. We just have very lengthy autumns :P

 

It's your life. You get to have the final say on your decisions. You appreciate and respect everyone else's opinion, but at the end of the day, you are doing what's best for you. I don't talk to my family or friends and ask their permission for anything, I share it from a place of sharing it with them because I care about them, but whatever their opinion is, that's their opinion, and I'm still going to do what I believe I need to do for ME.

 

@Cam Adair You're right. I'm not really good at putting me first.

 

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Day 15

 

I couldn't focus today. I guess not going to bed on time yesterday is really biting me in the but.

 

Today was a very unproductive and negative day. I saw Is It Normal To Have Dreams and Nightmares About Gaming?, and I thought that I should indeed start my day more positive. Writing down things I'm grateful for at the end of the day is really having a good effect. How I wake up and start the day seems to be have a pretty big impact on the rest of the day, so I should focus on starting positive. So one more thing to add to the morning routine.

 

Day 16

 

Up up up we go in the emotional rollercoaster! WOOOO! Today was amazing. Yesterday I ended the day positive, today I started the day positive. I made a to-do list for today, and things didn't take as much time as I thought this time around. I am still keeping track of how much time everything takes. I hope 3 days will be enough to make some sort of an assessment, it's annoying to keep track of every minute of the day.

 

Today I worked on my stop-motion animation, which will be part of my graduation. I made a small test today, and I need to make a lot of improvements for the lighting. I also found out the D90 Nikon cannot shoot in a 16:9 format, which is a bit cumbersome. Maybe I borrowed a different camera from the academy the last time because I didn’t have this problem before. I relearned how to edit images in batch in Photoshop, which made me happy. After that I made a few seconds of animation today to see how it will look, and it's very promising.

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How my goals are coming along:

-I read a chapter of my books almost all days.

-I took decent care of myself. Took breaks, went outside every day. Ate a lot of junkfood though, that might be a good next point to work on.

-I started bike rides, went almost all days.

-I've cleaned and organized a lot. There's still a lot to do. I can take my time on this

-I have worked on my study, but would like to put in more hours.

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New goals:

-keep doing bike rides everyday

-keep cleaning and organizing

-keep reading

-track how I spend my time and evaluate and improve

-no more soda or other sugary drinks

-respond to other journals more

-write shorter, more to the point journals

Edited by Mhyrion
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Posted

Don't fret the journal entries, I think the point of them is to just be able to ramble aimlessly :) Great job on your goal setting, keeping the positivity, and the continuation of no games.

Cool you learned how to batch edit images in Photoshop - if you've ever tried Lightroom, it makes it pretty easy too. I used to do a lot of timelapse/hyperlapse photography while backpacking, so I would batch edit photos quite often. I found Lightroom to be easier to batch edit than photoshop.

The bike rides sound great, I would be joining that exercise if it weren't -16F out right now :) It's such a nice, calming, pleasant way to experience great scenery.

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Posted

@Mhyrion There are many ups and down in this journey, but the most important thing is that you're still fighting.

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Posted

Entry 14

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Day 17

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@phpsmith Thanks for the reply and suggestion. I don't have to do overly difficult things for editing, but convenience I am a fan of.
-30°C! Wow! It's like -2 here. I don't think I ever experienced -30. I wouldn't go out of the house with temperatures like that either, ha.

@Stevec2283 Thanks for your reply!

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I kept track of my activities the past 4 days. I worked for my study 6 1/2, 4, 4 and 6 1/2 hours. I want and need to improve on that. I've already learned a lot.

 

What I see from my activities is:

-I am very able to work in the mornings. I get shit done in the morning.

-After lunch, I get distracted and lose focus. I hardly do anything in the middays

 

So, what's distracting me? How can I keep focus?

-To keep focus, I need a better plan for the day and a plan for the week. I need to know what steps I want to take and what steps are next.

-Internet is distracting me, especially Youtube. I should use my laptop only when needed.

-Household work is distracting me, this can be anything. Although it can be a nice break, I should keep it short. I can also do household work that can potentially distract me in the evening beforehand. Like washing the dishes and throw away trash.

-Emotions are distracting me. I can take a break when I'm emotionally stressed, but I need to improve of snapping out of my moods. This will take practice, but I can become the master of my emotions. Starting and ending the day positive have already proven to help with this.

 

New goal:

The next week I want to work for my study at least 5.5 hours per workday. I can build up from there towards a 40 hour workweek.

 

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Today I almost reinstalled League. The setup files where still lurking in my downloads. But I stopped myself because firstly, I didn't even know why I wanted to play and secondly, I didn't want to ruin my progress in real life. Instead of installing a game, I wrote a ticket to Riot to delete my account. Then I also wrote a ticket to Blizzard to remove that account, because I always seem to come back to WoW too. Once I've deleted these accounts, there's not really something to come back to. Leveling up again takes ages and is very boring, so the game will be much less appealing. Being back on the battle.net really made me nostalgic, but it felt much less intense then before. It was more of a 'I had really fun moments in this game' kind of feeling as compared to a 'I need to get back, I want this game now' kind of feeling I was having before. I was also thinking how incredibly organized I was in WoW. For raids you need to prepare and organize a lot, but that always worked. I also planned a lot, like efficient gathering routes. If I can adapt these abilities for real life, it would bring great results.

 

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I'm grateful for:

-the cat

-the lovely weather

-the equipment I borrowed from the academy

-being less nostalgic than before

-taking action towards deleting game accounts

 

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Lurking in the shadows....

 

lurking.jpeg

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Posted

@Mhyrion Great job in sticking to your guns and taking definitive steps to remove the temptation. 

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Posted

Entry 15

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Day 18 & 19 & 20

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Day 18

Today I had a lot of trouble focusing on my work. My best work hours where sub optimal to say the least. My father-in-law visited and had visitors to view the house. He's very present so it makes it hard to focus, also having strangers in the house is distracting. Instead of working for my study, I did some household work until the house was peaceful again. I have very high demands for peace and quiet it seems. I tried to compensate the study hours by working in the midday, but I could not get anything out of my hands. I forced myself to work for some more hours, but made a mistake right at the start which cost a lot of time. The hours weren't very fruitful and after making another mistake, I gave up. I almost got to 5.5 hours in the end, but I feel not satisfied about it.

 

I was thinking of setting a deadline for my study, because 'finish somewhere before June' will probably end up in finishing the project on the last moment anyway. If I finish earlier then that, I can look for a job(any) and earn some money, or work on other things. The prospect of making a bit of money next to my husbands salary is very appealing.

 

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Day 19

When I woke up this morning, there was snow. This is pretty special, so I decided to go outside immediately and took a walk in the fresh snow. It was nice. Then rest of the day was pretty relaxed together with my hubby. We played monopoly, enjoyed dinner together, watched some episodes, etc. Nothing stressful or demanding. But I felt like a void the entire day. Everything seemed so dreadful and grey. I don´t even know if 'boring' would apply, I just didn´t feel like doing any of the things I was doing.

 

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Day 20

Yesterday I went to bed with a slight headache; when I woke up today it was much worse. All the snow is gone today though, so I'm pretty happy that I went outside yesterday to enjoy it. I'm going to see if my headache wears of, otherwise I probably just take it easy today.

 

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I'm grateful for:

-white chocolate & banana yogurt

-soft and comfy bed

-ibuprofen

-contact with my family

-my husband

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Posted

Entry 16

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Day 21

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I was off to a slow start this morning. I snoozed... ...for 2 and half hours. At least I was very well rested after that and my headache was gone. I had a lot of vivid dreams as well last night, just like the night before. They seem to be pretty happy and wacky dreams, full with brightly coloured animals and delicious food. After the snoozing, I felt guilty and started to work without breakfast, and it didn't even went that bad. I made some mistakes today, but didn't give up. I contacted the academy about my further delay and asked for permission to keep the borrowed equipment for another two weeks. That should also give me a nice deadline to work for.

 

While working I noticed that I have trouble concentrating for more than one hour at a time. I am practicing to make that number increase. The longest I concentrated in one go today was 80 minutes. I'd like to focus for longer periods of time because small breaks tend to become very long breaks, and not all activities can be broken into little pieces. 5 minute coffee breaks often turn into 45 minute coffee-and-a-lot-of-other-stuff-breaks. Also, with the amount of breaks I need now, I can hardly work 8 hours a day. But I can slowly work up to that.

 

I'm noticing that I have less urges for games now, although seeing games on my hubby's laptop still triggers me a lot. He tries to hide it, lel. Silly thing is I also have encouraged him to play more games, because I thought writing code all day must also have it downsides and he should relax his brain every once in a while. Oh well. Good thing he almost only plays games I didn't play that much. However, my urge to mindlessly browse the internet for new content is very strong. I am not even interested in the things I click anymore, I just do it. A good thing is that mindless browsing feels a lot less purposeful then gaming, so after a while I get bored out of my mind and think about what I really want to do with my time. In a way I replaced one drug with another, less harmful one. But I don't like this new drug either.

 

Lately, I've been thinking how strange my view of my own addiction is. How I have trouble taking it serious like any other addiction. I felt the urge to watch some streams a few days back, but then I thought: let's see what we're really doing. Let's compare this with a 'real' addiction. So, if I was an alcoholic, and I’m clean for almost 3 weeks now, watching a stream would be the equivalent of looking at other people drinking and having a good time. What do I expect for the end result? Not much good. (not that other people cannot have fun gaming or drinking of course :P) So I should say no beforehand. No gaming streams. Perhaps I should also investigate if I can block content on YouTube specifically about games. I do not want to tempt myself when my willpower is lacking. I should be prepared.

 

My LoL account will be deleted on 20/01/2017. I never thought that this would fill my heart with such pleasure.

My WoW account is another matter, they want an official picture, which I don't want to be in their system. I am thinking of giving the account control to my hubby, but then it's still not gone. My 'empire' is still waiting for me, just out of reach. Let's compare to the alcoholic again. Clean for almost 3 weeks, but there's a bottle of vodka in the safe and you only have to get the key. I don't think the bottle is safe.

 

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I'm grateful for:

-a good mood

-my desk

-the purring sound of the cat

-a clean room

-happy dreams

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Posted


While working I noticed that I have trouble concentrating for more than one hour at a time. I am practicing to make that number increase. The longest I concentrated in one go today was 80 minutes. I'd like to focus for longer periods of time because small breaks tend to become very long breaks, and not all activities can be broken into little pieces. 5 minute coffee breaks often turn into 45 minute coffee-and-a-lot-of-other-stuff-breaks. Also, with the amount of breaks I need now, I can hardly work 8 hours a day. But I can slowly work up to that.

I think nobody can concentrate very efficiently after one hour. :) Attention just plain diminishes with time. It would probably be easier to just work on shortening the breaks, than developing a super brain. ;)

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Hey to do pomodoros works for me since I use kanbanflow :) The timer thing on my screen for the 5min breaks makes me feel bad if I start smth which will take longer so I mostly stretch a bit go to the toilet or get some new water in this little breaks :) Maybe this could work for you too. I wrote over my workflow here.

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Posted (edited)

Entry 17

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Day 22

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@Random Thanks for the reply. Maybe it's more like I expect myself to be able to concentrate for more then 1 hour at a time. I mean, I can concentrate aaaaaaall day on a game, but 1 hour study is too much? It's a bit silly to me.

@WorkInProgress I tried setting up timers for myself before, but it worked anti-productive for me. Sometimes when I'm in a creative flow, the timer that will indicate a pause will ruin the flow. Because I'll instantly stop working when a timer indicates that I can pause. Perhaps I can turn it around and just set a timer for pauses, when I'm taking a break anyway.

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Today was a productive day. I had good focus. I am also very exhausted right now. Didn't have time for my bike ride before it was dark due to some chores that needed to be done. Cycling really gives me energy, so I need to create time for it during the day.

 

I'm starting to enjoy working on my study just a bit more. I feel like I don't give up just as easy like I did before and am more motivated to overcome problems I encounter. Today I did something wrong with exporting my files from After Effects. It was a very minor thing, but this normally could've been enough for me to get frustrated or give up. Today it wasn't.

 

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I'm grateful for:

-contact with fellow students

-husband

-dinner

-central heating

 

Edited by Mhyrion
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