"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

Mhyrions journey

157 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Entry 6

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Day 7

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Thanks for the replies!

@hycniejsy I already take some vitamins. But like most things in my life right now, I'm not really consistent with them.

@WorkInProgress Thanks for the tip. I like watching Ted talks myself.

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Today I woke up with a headache. I have caught the cold my husband has had for a week. I felt sorry for myself but decided that would get me nowhere. So I worked from 8 to 18. I spend the morning on my study, the midday on cleaning. I forgot to take breaks and drinks after lunch, I only noticed when I felt really fatigued. Dinner solved that. In the evening I supervised my husband so he would organize his stuff as well. We now have clear sight of the floor again. We celebrated this and the fact that I am now 1 week game free with a bottle of wine. I wonder how I will feel when I have no more goals with this very visible kind of progress. Right now I can literally count how much floor space we cleared and how much stuff I could throw away/sell/donate. Perhaps that's also what's so appealing about reading a chapter of a book a day.

 

I was very emotional throughout the whole day. I had to switch of the radio at some point because there was a sad song playing. I cried when I watched a Star Trek episode during dinner. It was not really an dramatic episode. I'm not sure what to think of this, I feel weird about it.

 

I decided to read over my goals just now, and I've done all of them except the more long term ones. So I need new goals.

 

Goals:

-read a chapter a day till I'm through the two books I have

-take good care of myself:

    -take breakfast, lunch and dinner

    -take sensible breaks

    -go outside everyday

-clean out and organize all of my closets and boxes with stuff

-complete the first 8 points of my to-do list for my study before Saturday

-search for an appealing sport/exercises

Edited by Mhyrion
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Posted

Congrats on a week so far! Great work!

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Posted

Great work so far, Mhyrion. I feel I can relate in that I have problems with moderation as well, not just with gaming, but with other things - such as you said, with drinking. I've never considered that I drank too much until I had to go to the hospital one day, they asked "How many drinks do you have in a week?" I usually had 2+ per day, sometimes 3 or 4. When I said this, they were surprised, I also got surprised. The reason they asked was to make sure that I didn't have any withdrawl symptoms during my stay in the hospital since obviously, I shouldn't be drinking.

After they seemed shocked at the amount, I did some reading and my wife and I have tried to limit our drinking together. We use a system we call the "Coin" system, we are allotted an amount of drinks per month that are a stack of coins. I get 40 drinks a month, my wife I think is at 36. We've been on the coin system for a while now, and I can say it's really helping us. Each time I have a drink I put a coin in a bowl, it kind of makes me think more about having the drink when I do this. Sometimes I still have 3 or 4 drinks in a day, which is fine, you'll just need to realize that having more drinks in one day will limit you another day.

I would say that exercise has helped my mood the most in quitting gaming. Even just going out for a walk feels good, but having a more difficult exercise helps release endorphins that just generally help when gaming doesn't fulfill that void.

Keep it up!

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Posted

Entry 7

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Day 8

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The longer I'm in this detox, the more I think I should've started this a long, long time ago. 90 days are not very much compared with a habit of 10 years of gaming. I really hope I can reset my brain. I'm not sure if I ever should play games again though. I never played in moderation. Every game that got my interest I've played for hours and days and weeks. I was talking with my husband a few days ago, and almost every game I played, he recommended. So I should listen to my hubby less, lol. Anyway, let's first do the 90 days and think ahead by then.

 

I was very tired throughout the whole day. I worked all day anyway, which made me a bit proud. I'm really glad I have a big deadline for my study after the these holidays, it helps keeping me busy. I had some random nostalgic thoughts of games today, but overall I was too busy with other stuff to really think about it. I also spend more time on my study then on cleaning and organizing, which is a good thing. My father-in-law was here today to dig out a tree to replant, that was a nice distraction. I know now that a pear tree fits into a horse trailer if you try hard enough. I'm really wondering if the tree survives though, it was not exactly handled with care.

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Posted

The longer I'm in this detox, the more I think I should've started this a long, long time ago. 90 days are not very much compared with a habit of 10 years of gaming.

It's always easy to look back and wish you made certain changes sooner... but the key is to remember that you will look back on you making this change now and be thankful that you did! so keep going! :D 

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Posted (edited)

Hi

Great job you are over 1 week in your detox. About playing games in moderation:

First of all you must discern what draws you to games. Are they being used to fill a void that could be filled otherwise- particularly by real life means? Or perhaps you are drawn to the fantasy and art that is put forth by some of these awesome masterpieces. Well I was always a fan of single player fantasy RPGs like Skyrim, The Witcher series, Shadow Of Mordor and Dark souls 2. I always found with these games I would be utterly infatuated with them for a while and then put them down and stop. However, what I did straight after that was find another game. And I would go from game to game to game and eventually i would have no games to play and I would feel depressed and lost. These games do also have an element of mastery to them though, particularly ds2, and this could be harmful.

So, after my detox i am going to make an experiment. I will make a blog post about this too and I encourage you to read it. In my experiment I will play the games I listed above and analyse my behaviour then draw some conclusions. It would be cool if other people tried it out on a similar premise too.

Edited by Schwing
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Posted (edited)

Entry 8

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Day 9

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Thanks for the replies!

@phpsmith Thanks for sharing! Sounds like a good system, but not for me. My problem is not that I drink a lot every day. But when I do open a bottle of wine, I will drink it in a very short amount of time. I also drink for wrong reasons, like feeling depressed.

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I couldn't sleep again last night. I watched the documentary from Louis Theroux about Scientology, to kill the time. It made me feel glad that at least I am not making such bad decisions and my life is not that much in ruins compared to those people in the doc. I'm sure it's totally wrong to feel superior like this. Decided to watch some YouTube vids after that. Came across LoL footage. I felt triggered. I had an adrenaline rush of some sorts, felt very excited. I paused the video. Then let it play again. It made me annoyed and unsettled. My chest felt like being pressed together like a ball and then getting ripped apart again.

 

This morning I was really moody, cranky and irrational. I got so grumpy that even I didn't want to be around myself anymore. Every little noise, every smell, every task seemed so completely overwhelming and at the same time annoying and/or futile. One of my housemates was making tea or something in the kitchen, I was in the room next to it. The sound of the boiling water, her slippers scratching on the stone floor, every noise was so loud and annoying. I couldn't focus on doing the tasks I planned for myself today. I let things fall out of my hands, got distracted.

 

I decided I had to snap out of my bad mood. So I took my bicycle and angrily started cycling. My husband offered to go with me, but I declined. If I can't be friendly to myself, I sure as hell won't be a pleasure to be around for others. I tried to enjoy nature during my ride, but I was so agitated. I saw some birds though, which oddly enough soothed me just a bit. Halfway on my route I felt like if I could just lay down and die, that would be fine. When I got home I was a bit more calm. I tried hugging the cat, but he is stressed out from all the fireworks (and perhaps the neighbours dog that will not stop barking all day when it's alone), so that really didn't work out. Then I sat down with my husband for lunch.

 

My husband has to clean and organize his stuff or there'll be trouble with his father, also the owner of the house. My hubby occupied a room which we do not rent (it's complicated), but his stuff needs to go now. I don't know what went wrong with my hubby and cleaning and organizing, but he has 0 skill for it and has developed none since I married him. I tried helping him, got some boxes, labels, made categories. Through the years I've patiently sat beside him for hours while he was organizing, because otherwise he will just not do it. He will get distracted by everything, and for example start reading some old notes he made, and not continue organizing afterwards. I do feel like I can organize and clean pretty well, if I get to it (and I'm not too busy gaming for months and ignoring my life). I don't understand his struggle. He also can not throw anything away. I throw things away very easily, I might even end up regretting or having to rebuy things. He really likes to hoard things. To be honest, sometimes stuff he kept for years did come in handy. But for me it's just not worth it to have it lying around for all that time, occupying precious space. It's hard to get on the same page because of it.

 

So when I set down with my husband, after the cycling, I was still cranky. We started a conversation. It got to the subject of cleaning and organizing. A fight happened. I am not too subtle normally, let alone in the state of mind I was in. Although we made our apologies shortly after, it still left a bitter taste in my mouth. I chased it away with chocolate. I feel like there should be a short animated intermezzo here, with dancing cheerleaders with pompons, and then in the middle shiny lights and confetti and the following text: 'Another healthy habit in the life of Mhyrion!'

 

I want to pursue a more positive attitude, but I'm not sure how to make a decent goal out of it. 'Go be more positive' is not really a concrete thing to work on. Normally, on a day like today, I would've played the shit out of games. I'm glad I didn't, I can still work on some of my tasks and actually have just completed task 1 out of 8 of my to-do list for my study for this week. As for my other goals; I tried to look for something to exercise, or at least a more active activity. I have no money for any sport right now, so this makes things a bit harder. I think archery and rock climbing look pretty bad ass. I might go for that when I'm in a bit of a better financial position. I always liked climbing things and getting to the top of the wall/rock. I once got the opportunity to try out shooting with a airgun(?) too, that was really fun as well. Right now, I'll have to do with the means at my disposal. I could cycle more, I can use my skipping rope, I can go for walks.

Edited by Mhyrion
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Posted (edited)

congrats_maik3.thumb.gif.c08627adca3b094

On Day 7 & 8 & 9!

 

Edited by dandielionous
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Posted

I want to pursue a more positive attitude, but I'm not sure how to make a decent goal out of it.

Start with a gratitude journal. Write down 3-10 things you're grateful for at the beginning of each day. You can do it at the end of your day as well.

Also, you did the right thing by going for a bike ride when you were in a cranky mood, and next time you can also try meditation or a gratitude journal as well. Developing a positive attitude is all about focusing on the good that exists now, regardless of circumstance, and making a conscious choice through mindfulness next time you're feeling a way you don't want to be feeling.

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Posted

 

I was very emotional throughout the whole day. I had to switch of the radio at some point because there was a sad song playing. I cried when I watched a Star Trek episode during dinner. It was not really an dramatic episode. I'm not sure what to think of this, I feel weird about it.

You know, back in the days when you played games, your actual feelings were suppressed. When I quit gaming, there were so many moments, when I wanted to cry. No sad talk, no drama, just a simple phrase could have triggered me. It still happens sometimes. I mean, when you actually "review" the person you were when you drowned in games, you will realize, there wasn't much human about this person. Even when I was gaming and people showed me broadcasts of tournaments, I would always say and wonder "these kids that are playing, they do not show any emotion, they are similar to the machine that they and operating". My gamer friends often got offended by this statement. I got called names. People said, I am like the "reapers" from "Mass Effect", demonizing every technology. But once you witness a person operating a computer, you will see that the emotions seem to be strange. Nietzsche wrote: "And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee." I feel the same goes for computers. If you operate the computer, the computer will operate you.

Now, that you are free of this burden, your actual feelings arise. All those who were suppressed come up and want out. But don't worry, you will find a balance at some point. Right now, you are influenced by the withdrawal. Hang in there, you are not alone!

 

 

This morning I was really moody, cranky and irrational. I got so grumpy that even I didn't want to be around myself anymore. Every little noise, every smell, every task seemed so completely overwhelming and at the same time annoying and/or futile. One of my housemates was making tea or something in the kitchen, I was in the room next to it. The sound of the boiling water, her slippers scratching on the stone floor, every noise was so loud and annoying. I couldn't focus on doing the tasks I planned for myself today. I let things fall out of my hands, got distracted.

Symptoms of the withdrawal as well. Also, actual feelings. When playing a game with your headphones on your ears, you blind out the entire world around you. Now, you have to perceive the world around you. And right now, you are still a little sensitive. This will also find its balance at some point.

 

I want to pursue a more positive attitude, but I'm not sure how to make a decent goal out of it. 

Just like Cam said, nourish your mind with positive things. Implement things that you like into your schedule. We are what we consume. If we consume a lot of negativity, we will become bitter. The same goes for the opposite. Do positive stuff, NOTICE positive things and your mind will be positive. When you catch yourself having unnecessary negative thoughts about somethings, reset and try again. This time, from a beneficial point of view.

Also, implement a routine, like Cam said, where you can be grateful for what you have. Like, right now: Set a goal for tomorrow evening. It could look like "Reflect your local environment". Then, walk around in your living place and reflect what has changed. Like the floor. You said, it was messy. Now it is neat. Reflect that, witness it and be grateful for it. And give yourself credit for it. You made that! YOU made THAT! This is a product, a result, of your new way of life. Always try to remind yourself of the things that have changed for good. It is so easy to just sit there and think "everything is bad, I am bad, my place is bad". But when you compare it to the condition that you lived in before, you will see that you made progress. In not-so-modern times, people would pray and be grateful for the things they have. You don't need to pray, but you need to remind yourself of what is and what was. And then you will notice the sunshine in your mind.

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Posted

Well it looks like we're almost on the same day!

Let's just keep it on the same boat! So, maybe you'll be more consistent not only with vitamins but also with other important things in your life! :)

Sometimes making a bed straight after waking up, no matter what, can help in gaining this consistency and discipline. For me it works, let me know if it works for you!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Posted

Entry 9

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Day 10

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Thanks for the replies! You are all amazing. I appreciate all the effort you are making to reply.

Consistency, consciousness and positivity will benefit my life greatly, so I will pursue it. I will make a gratitude list from now on.

 

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Nothing really special happened today. But I did a lot, and felt pretty okay. I'm in a rollercoaster going up one day and down the other. I enjoyed the up today. Yesterday evening I made a box full with handwritten notes to my future self with positive things on it. Somewhere between very cheesy lines and semi-philosophical quotes from great people in our history. I can grab one when I'm feeling bad or when I want a positive start of the day.

 

I'm making a bit of a routine for myself. I woke up around 7:30, 8:00 almost every day the past week, which seems to work very well. I didn't skip any breakfast, which is a good habit as well. Right now, I take breaks whenever I am starting to feel hungry. In my breaks I eat, drink and relax with drawing, colouring, petting the cat, talking with my hubby or browsing. I want to take one active break each day, in which I can cycle or walk. Today I cycled around 15:00, which was nice because I was starting to get a bit tired but felt better afterwards. The evenings consist of a lot of browsing still, but for now it's okay. I want to first get this routine going.

 

I noticed that my hubby and I still talk a lot about games. It usually comes up once every day. He is playing Planetside in the evenings now, because it is his holiday. But that made me think. We do not have any common interests outside of games. We are day and night as it comes to hobbies and interests. It would be positive if we could also find something to do together besides watching series.

 

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Things that made me happy today:

-The sun was shining

-I enjoyed nature when I was cycling, it was beautiful

-The cat was very affectionate during my lunch break

-I made plans with my husband for things to do during New Years Eve

 

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Posted

Great positivity. The nice thing about being positive is that it's infectious :) Also great work cycling when you were getting tired. If it's not time for bed yet (or not much reason for you to be tired) then exercise will definitely make you feel more alert/awake.

Finding something to do with your hubby might be challenging, but maybe just start exploring some different options. Take something you enjoy doing and take something he enjoys doing and make a deal to get a bit more involved with eachother's interests.Having a shared interest is such a wonderful way to spend more time together, that of course is a little more engaging than watching television or gaming.

Keep it up!

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Posted

It would be positive if we could also find something to do together besides watching series.

Yes this would help a lot, and you can take initiative to try and create these. Maybe you can join a dance class or something similar together? I bet it would help your relationship a lot too to have that kind of activity or quality time together! 

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Posted

Entry 10

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Day 11

Today was…. interesting. I woke up and had to really force myself to get into a good mood and out of bed. But I conquered my morning moodiness. Trouble came with my father-in-law. He was here today to get some things done in and around the house. He also wanted to take pictures of the house because he wants to sell it. No problem for me. But my hubby and his father, they often clash. Especially about the state in which my hubby leaves rooms, which is one big mess. And so they were quarreling for hours. I could hardly work like that. My hubby was rampaging through the house at one point and was becoming scary, so I decided to get out of the house before I got overwhelmed by the situation and my emotions. Bike rides seem like a great thing to clear my mind. Everything outside was covered in a tiny layer of frost and a thick mist, it was amazing. I came home much calmer, and my hubby and father-in-law seemed to be somewhat tired of quarreling. In the end, my hubby cleaned some of his stuff out, and my father-in-law took a lot of his stuff home as well, so there was a positive outcome. Peace has now returned. This evening I had a skype date with my two friends. It was awesome. I told them about the detox, they did not know I gamed that much. They are really supportive.

 

I have not done nearly as much as I would've wanted to do for my study this week. Which troubles me a bit. Then again, I still did a lot, so I just have to work towards being fully productive again.

 

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Things I'm grateful for today:

-Nature is beautiful

-Dinner was very tasty

-The house got cleaner

-I have amazing friends

 

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