"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

Mhyrions journey

157 posts in this topic

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Entry 1

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Day 3

So, I decided to start a journal. I've been reading some others journals here, and it was really encouraging. It will also be a great way to keep track of my progress. I also have a lot of time on my hands now I don't game and a lot of time to think. Not sure the latter is a blessing or a curse. It's driving me crazy already.

I think that acknowledging that I am addicted to games is really crucial. I tried -halfheartedly- to quit before, but never called myself an addict. I had the habit of making up silly excuses, but not anymore. Now that I have had some time to think, I feel like I see things much clearer already. There's so many things I need to figure out right now.

I thought about my why's for gaming some more. As I already noted in my introduction post, gaming is the perfect getaway. I struggle with depression, and sometimes suicidal thoughts. Mindlessly playing one game after another really shuts those thoughts up. There's no time to think. But I'm ready to deal with my feelings for real now. But besides escapism, I think I also really like to achieve things. And achieving things in games is so much easier and more recognizable then it is in real life. It feels really important to me to have certain special achievements in games, like shiny icons in League, or one-time-only-achievs in WoW. Besides escapism and achieving things, I think gaming also felt like a sort of purpose. I felt needed in those games, I felt important and relevant. Short queues and/or extra rewards for supportive roles might have emphasized that feeling.

During my first 3 days of not playing games, I've dreamed about playing games and felt really cranky, bored and anxious. But I deleted all my games from my laptop and phone in these first 3 days, also blocked some relevant sites, and that felt like quite an accomplishment. So yay for me. I later thought of also removing my accounts, but I guess unreachable is good enough for now. I feel really attached to my accounts in some odd way.

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Goals for this week:

-Read more journals and watch some youtube video's of Cam to encourage and inform myself
-Make a planning for my study
-Write journals and reflect on my progress and feelings



 

Edited by Mhyrion
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Good job on the 3 days! I didn't experience any dreams like you did, but I really expected to. I feel the journal really helps me, it feels good to self reflect publicly. Keep it up :)

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Hey welcome to the forum! If you have any questions just ask. We have your back!

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Entry 2

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Day 4

 

This turned into a very long journal. I hope to have less time for this as my journey advances.

 

Let's start on a positive note: my day started fantastic. My husband had a day off today, so we woke up together. Yesterday evening we talked about my detox. He's really supporting. I'm glad I told him what's going on and that I took the opportunity to apologize for betraying his trust in me. I feel like we're in much clearer water now.

 

After the morning together, I walked to the train station, and I was in a really good mood. I decided to listen to some music. That was a mistake. The music reminded me of League, and then I could not stop thinking about it. So this music now can go on my ban list. I also felt very nostalgic about WoW. If anything in the world, WotLK can make me feel nostalgic at any moment. I've had gaming voice-overs and music stuck in my head for the majority of the day. Imagine(for those familiar with WoW) Lady Deathwhispers line 'Do you yet grasp the futility of your actions?' in your head for a while. Drove me crazy. I guess I have played a LOT just before going cold turkey, so that might be the problem here.

 

When I arrived at the academy, it was very quiet. No big surprise, the day before the holidays. I made use of the peace to make a to-do list for my study. My hopes sank. I do not know if it is realistic to do all I need to do in the amount of time I have left. I decided to go for it the next few weeks anyway, and just see how far I get. (Right now this is year 6, for a study that should last 4 years.) At least the to-do list made things orderly. I find it difficult to make a planning out of my to-list, because I am not sure how long everything is going to take. Maybe a to-do-list is good for now, and I can just spend my time crossing things off of the list. I also got some books and DVD's from the academy library. I hope to replace some internet browsing by reading and watching something a bit more classy then senseless youtube vids.

 

I was wondering about one more why. Why is this time different? I think a lot led up to this point of quitting again. One of my fellow students chose game-addiction as a subject for his research. I talked a lot with him. Maybe this was a start of some self-reflection. I also realized a big part of my brain is stuffed with game related knowledge. I read a story online about someone lying to his parents to support his gaming habits. This suddenly hit me. I was lying too, and I didn't even realize it till that point. Then I watched an Dutch TV program about addiction. I saw in this episode a guy named Victor, addicted to gaming. This guy was so recognizable. I tried to create a distance between him and me. He was worse then me, I wasn't that far gone. But it didn't hold true. No I did not lose a girlfriend, or in my case boyfriend, over games. But I did lose other important social relationships and damaged others. And his appearance was so striking. Pale skin, hair not taken care of. He looked a bit like a ghost. It was confronting. Then I decided just to google 'how to quit gaming', and I got here. I no longer felt alone. And I feel strengthened in that. Then there's also the fact that I screwed up my Go/NoGo moment for my graduation of my study again. I got orange, just like last year, which means that you can continue, but they have sincere doubts whether you would make it. I did not improve since last year. I did not spend more time on my study like I wanted to. I felt like a complete failure. So everything together was my wake-up call. I'm awake. I'm ready. And I'm doing this.

 

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More goals:

-Read books

-Watch less youtube videos without a purpose

-Plan social activities with friends and family

-Put in a lot of hours in my study

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Great progress so far! Glad that you picked up the quitting again. One suggestion though: Be gentle on your early goals. "Read books" kinda was one of my first goals as well. But early in the detox, I had to struggle with focusing a lot, since gaming was on my mind. So, low goals are easier to achieve in the beginning and grant experience and a feeling of success.
So, instead of "Read books", set a daily or weekly goal like "Read 2 pages today" or "Read 20 pages a week". Same goes for the studies. This way you have 2 advantages: First, you will make easy progress even on days when you feel HORRIBLE. And second, you can actually measure your progress. If you wanted to read 2 pages a day and you actually got up to 6 pages, that is measurable progress. And when this is too easy, raise the stakes. But be gentle with yourself. ;)

Alright, you got it under control here.

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Good job on your journal. Reflecting is very worthwhile. Continue to invest in it, it will bring you much value in return.

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Entry 3

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Day 5

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Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it and feel supported!

Great progress so far! Glad that you picked up the quitting again. One suggestion though: Be gentle on your early goals. "Read books" kinda was one of my first goals as well. But early in the detox, I had to struggle with focusing a lot, since gaming was on my mind. So, low goals are easier to achieve in the beginning and grant experience and a feeling of success.
So, instead of "Read books", set a daily or weekly goal like "Read 2 pages today" or "Read 20 pages a week". Same goes for the studies. This way you have 2 advantages: First, you will make easy progress even on days when you feel HORRIBLE. And second, you can actually measure your progress. If you wanted to read 2 pages a day and you actually got up to 6 pages, that is measurable progress. And when this is too easy, raise the stakes. But be gentle with yourself. ;)

Alright, you got it under control here.

That's a really good idea, I updated my goals!
 

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There are so many hours in a day if you don't spend half or more of it gaming. Amazing. I did so much.

 

I cooked and washed the dishes.

I did some grocery shopping and laundry.

I watched an informative yt vid of Cam and read an inspiring journal.

I organized my desk and some stuff around it (how many different coloured pencils and fineliners do you need, woman!). I have so much stuff. I'm going to throw away some things I found which I have not used for years. Good riddance. It also feels very symbolic and cleansing. It gave a great sense of satisfaction. I like that feeling.

I did some very tedious but very necessary work for my study. 

I made an assessment of our expenses per month for the next year. There's going to change a lot for us this year. My husband just landed his first job. We're looking for an apartment. He insisted we talked about money. He is a smart man. In the spirit of being a responsible adult, I also made an overview of my money spend and earned the past year. I spend a godawful amount on junk food. I'm thinking if I cut out the expenses on junk food and games, I might have enough money to join a sport. Now I only need to find something I like. I never liked exercising, so this might be challenging.

I started reading the book 'Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture'. I think the translation to Dutch is really lacklustre, and it's also a bit old (2005). But the info is good (historical facts do not change) and I'm interested now, so I think I am going to finish the book anyway. I'm learning a lot about feminism and notions about female sexuality. I always like to learn how we got to where we are now and as added bonus it also keeps my mind busy a bit. After this book I plan on reading 'What are you looking at? which is an easy to read introduction on modern art.

 

Right now, I've used all of my concentration and energy. But I don't want to stand still and give my brain a chance to think about games. It's really hard. I also feel like I'm unable to feel what I really feel. If that makes any sense. I have so many emotions. I am at a loss what to do with all them. Maybe if I keep busy, I can't think about it all too much. Although that does not seem like the healthiest way to go about it.

 

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Goals:

-Read a chapter a day from either of the 2 books

-Watch less youtube videos without a purpose

-Plan social activities with friends and family

-Work on crossing things of my to-do list for my study

 

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Posted

It gets better :)

 

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Keep it up!

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Entry 4

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Day 6 (ish)

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Since I can't sleep anyway, I might as well try and organize my thoughts and life some more. This writing really helps.


For me gaming is like any other drug. If you apply it in moderation, everything is fine. You get a short fun period, and then go back to normal things again. I'm not very good in using these kind of things in moderation. I can not game in moderation, I have trouble drinking in moderation (I have the rule that I do not drink while being alone), I do not watch series in moderation. I'm not sure what this means, maybe I'm very sensitive to addictions. Maybe it's just the depression messing with things in my head.

 

I got extremely bored last evening. I got grumpy and started to tidy things up again. I now have 2 bags with trash that can go away, and 1 bag of clothes to donate. I really have been neglecting cleaning and organizing. I guess I just really didn't care about these things. I also finally did something about the mold in the window. Yep, ignored that too. For months. It is good to take back control and care about these things. Writing about this right now, I feel like I ignored and neglected a lot of things in my life, if not everything. The longer I am in this detox, the more I realize what a complete mess I'm in. It feels very overwhelming.

 

I feel less occupied with games then the first few days. But I also experienced very little satisfaction. I feel disconnected, not only from games, but in general. I feel like my body and brain are giving mixed signals. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I'm hungry, but nothing seems appetizing enough. I feel like connecting with my husband, but I create distance.

 

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Welcome to my world... :( 

This is our emotions learning to balance.  They swing one way then the other.  The swings will get smaller.  Our bodies are also adjusting from not eating.  I was not eating right for a long time.  Now I am eating.  So my bowel movements have changed.  My muscles are weak.  My breathing is bad from sitting and smoking all the time.  My sleep patterns are adjusting.

Time takes time.

 

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Entry 5

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Day 6

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Today was a good day. I worked hard and I was fairly content. Every day I am not gaming, I am improving myself and my life. So I feel like I've already improved my life 6 times. Yes.

This morning I made a to-do list for today. It was a bit too ambitious. It made me stress a little halfway through the day, but then I realized this was just a list and I can only do so much in one day. So I calmed myself down. I was in control. I also succeeded in planning some social activities with friends and family. Maybe I should set reminders for these sort of things, since contacting people doesn't come naturally to me.

The evenings I feel are still difficult. I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do with myself. I'm too tired to do much anymore, I'm not tired enough to go to sleep. So there's this empty gap. I made a list of why I don't want to play LoL or WoW anymore, the two games that are most addictive to me. Maybe when I feel tempted in the evenings, this list can help me focus on why it's a bad idea to get back to those games.

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Posted

I find reading the journals here very helpful. 

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Greetings from Mad Pharmacist!

I'm glad that you're becoming more organised each and every day!

You're gonna make it not matter what! You've got my support

Have you tried D3 vitamin to feel more healthy? It's especially important during winter and lack of sunlight/going outside!

Greetings again, Mad Pharmacist

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Hey you could try out listening to podcasts. I personally enjoy Tim Ferris podcast's but there is a lot out there for free.

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