Pauls Journal

[Paul]

Day 5. Wanted to game again so decided to post my first journal entry instead.

It helped to post on the intro section yesterday where I didn't have to worry about people judging me for the addiction. I feel a bit more relaxed getting all that off my chest.

Anyway, had missed 2 promising  business opportunities today that I've been pursuing for the past 3 days, to what I can only attribute to plain bad luck. Not letting it get me down though, since I'm not the kind of person that gives up very easily when I want to accomplish an objective. I just have to have faith that I will encounter more of them.

Thought about my gaming objectives today that were still uncompleted. Wrote them all down so I could just put them aside and forget about them. It worked a bit to some degree. Time to finally undo the gaming problem. I will succeed.

 

Edited November 20, 2015 by Paul

[kortheo]

Hey Paul! Great to see another journal here. Loving the confidence that you're starting out with.

You won't be judged here, we're all in the same boat. Everyone goes through it.

If you keep up that kind of determination you'll make good progress. It's not always easy, but you make progress each day whether it seems like it or not.

You will likely be surprised how fast things change. At least I was. And I'm not nearly 'done' yet!

There is so much that goes into quitting games and changing your life for the better, but take this in a nutshell to start - the more you develop a life for yourself outside of games, the less you'll care about games, and the less you'll want to go back. 

My recommendation is to determine to quit for 90 days to start, and try Respawn.

Good luck!

[Cam Adair]

Hey Paul! Awesome to see another journal up here, it always makes my day when there is one.

 

[Tom]

Hi Paul. Almost a week! Congratulations! Good luck with your recovery, and with your business too.

[Paul]

Thanks!

Day 11

Reflecting back, I find it amazing at how relentlessly, even bordering obsessive at times, I pursued gameplay refinement and gaming objectives. Yet, none of it advanced my life or helped me grow as an individual and that's nothing I can be proud of. I'm also thinking I should delete that objective list once I've cleared them from my mind a bit more. I don't want to open it one day and pick up where I left off.

Had a rather gruesome nightmare about being zerg rushed from a first-person perspective about 3 days ago. Also dreamt about playing some sort of RPG game yesterday, comprising of several elements of various games I've played. Not sure if these reset my 90 day target or if playing in a dream actually counts as playing.

Anyway, I think much less about gaming now than the first few days. The extra exercise is doing me good (lost 5-6 kg since I last weighed myself a little while back). I feel like I have more energy. I also started thinking about some other things I would like to do, like visit an orchestral concert and starting to hike again. Apart from the obvious physical benefits, being in nature also tends to boosts my creativity. I will conduct research and investigate local hiking groups shortly.

Reading a lot more now on financial matters and various aspects of business. Partly out of necessity, but also because I want to increase my knowledge and experience, which I suspect will prove useful later.

I used to enjoy reading information that (attempts?) to explain why things are the way they are, both from a science perspective and otherwise, until gaming interfered... so I guess its no surprise that I'm finding interest in it again. I want to improve my cooking skills as well. I can make some basic things, but the things I like to eat aren't all basic to make. Primary focus is growing my business however, so this will likely have to to wait a bit.

Edited November 26, 2015 by Paul
Grammar

[Cam Adair]

Great to read your update. Good job on 11 days. It will get better, just continue to focus on improving one day at a time.

[Paul]

Day 15

I hardly think about gaming in the hours I’m awake now or at least much much less than before (except when I get despondent), though I do still dream about it. I find myself beginning to obsess about business in much the same way I did with gaming, beginning the same urge to improve and become more efficient. I don't think I will achieve a balanced lifestyle like this though, as almost all of my available time goes there or reading material related to it in some way or the other (I still haven't researched hiking groups yet). Somehow more easy to motivate myself for this than other things as I get a sense of purpose to my existence from it.

Also, strangely, I don't have any desire to go out and make friends. I probably should be, but it's like the drive just isn't there. Maybe it's because I didn't really connect with friends when I did have them (not sure how to explain this). Felt in a way subtly excluded and always getting the short end of the stick and like your time or what you had to say wasn't really valued. Felt like what I had were more acquaintances than actual friends. It wasn't just due to the medical condition I had, It was like that long before that. Makes me think its my personality type that’s the problem, or maybe it's because I didn't develop my social skills to a level that made it conducive for this or maybe I made the wrong type of friends. I honestly have no idea.

Anyway, just glad I made it to 15 days at least. Next goal is 20 days.

Edited November 30, 2015 by Paul
expanded a bit

[Cam Adair]

Hey Paul! Congrats on 15 days. Setting these small milestones (15 days, now 20 days) is a great way to motivate yourself and stay focused. 

On the friends side I'd encourage you to look into learning how to connect more emotionally with people. Look into if you can find any "authentic relating" type workshops or meetups in your city. I found those were beneficial for me.

[Paul]

Day 20.

The amount of time required to properly maintain and update the software and security on windows is above what I can afford. Switched all my machines to Linux to free more time for business and research tasks. Never liked windows anyway, only used it for gaming.

Haven't dreamt about gaming over the past few days, which is probably a good sign, though could be attributed to a recent lack of sleep.

Started organising my tasks and objectives in a much more logical and structured way.

Business is improving at a steady, but acceptable rate. I begin to understand why this means so much. Its not about the status, its not about the money or what it can buy, its not even about the basic need to survive. It's that many years from now, once my lifespan has expired, I would have created something self-sustaining that can be passed down. That I didn't simply exist, that my existence had meaning and purpose to it. There have been failures and rejection yes, but I don't care. I will learn from them and find better solutions. There are always answers, it just depends on how much effort one puts in finding them.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Paul
expanded

[Cam Adair]

That I didn't simply exist, that my existence had meaning and purpose to it. There have been failures and rejection yes, but I don't care. I will learn from them and find better solutions. There are always answers, it just depends on how much effort one puts in finding them.

100%! 

[Tom]

The amount of time required to properly maintain and update the software and security on windows is above what I can afford. Switched all my machines to Linux to free more time for business and research tasks. Never liked windows anyway, only used it for gaming.

Well done! I did the same.

[Paul]

Day 32. Almost succumbed a few days ago when my cousin loaded up a game split-screen and put a controller in my hands ._.

Went running and swimming at the beach yesterday, had a great time. I like being in natural environments, it makes me kinda happy . I also did some research on local hiking groups. Found one that looks promising, I will join it shortly.

Due to an unexpected and unpredictable macro economic condition, many days of planning, research and preparation fell flat. Interestingly, I can turn the same economic condition to my advantage, which I intend to implement in January and February (because reasons).

Also, I have great interest in reading topics on space and the natural world. I don't know why, I just do . Off to do some exercise (I find playing music or audio books helps to keep it interesting when it gets boring).

Edited December 17, 2015 by Paul

[Cam Adair]

Hey Paul! Great to hear your update. Sounds like your attitude is in the right place. Hope to hear another update from you soon.

[wookieshark88]

Good job resisting that temptation!  When I sold my Game Boy Color, I turned it on to make sure it was working first.  That was my closest exposure to a game I've had since I quit.  I thought about pressing start, but I knew that I'm too happy in life these days to do that.

[Paul]

Thanks!

Day 39.

Seasons greetings & best wishes to all.

Isn't it weird how the most amazing solutions appear right after you consider changing plans to something else?

Anyway, recently witnessed a genuine act of kindness, which is something I don't see that often. Apart from customers & business interaction, I've always been a bit of a loner. But for the first time in a long time, I actually felt it. I generally take a non-emotion, practical and systematic approach to everything, yet I find myself wishing I had someone genuinely good, with humility, that I can trust and share experiences with. Those kinds of people that won't betray you over greed, envy or power. Probably a lot to ask for, but for whatever it's worth, I suppose its a good sign that I'm not totally emotionally closed off and that there is still something left of the person I used to be.

Also, I finally deleted my gaming objective list.

Edited December 25, 2015 by Paul

[Cam Adair]

Merry Christmas Paul! 

[Paul]

Thanks! Same to you.

Going to enjoy Christmas today. I realised something when I woke up this morning.

I can change this.

 

Edited December 25, 2015 by Paul

[Paul]

Day 48

Some immediate objectives for this year:

Teaching myself to compile detailed financial statements.
Acquiring more sources of supply.
Assess different economic environments and realistically determine the best ROI in different scenarios.
Planning my life long term and more or less how I am going to accomplish my long term goals.
Discovering new marketing strategies to increase turnover rate.
Exploring a potentially more prosperous market and how to apply said marketing strategies to them.
To further increase my financial knowledge & awareness, so I can better predict environmental conditions before they occur.
To remove all preconceived assumptions I had about many things and replace them with facts I can measure and compare.
To refresh my computer programming skills.
To find more ways to relax when I want to unwind. (Not sure what it is, but there's still something about the combat in strategic RTS's & some Turn-based games like Total War that I miss).

Things I can be appreciative of:

That I'm alive.
That I'm lucky enough to be born on this Earth to witness its beauty in natural environment/wildlife & its complexity in design.
That I'm 48 days clean.

Edited January 3, 2016 by Paul

[Paul]

I still can't believe I let myself waste so much time gaming.

I  could've accomplished some of these things & more already if I didn't squander all that time into gaming.

I think part of the problem is that it gives you a sense of false advancement, either in skills and abilities that will never help you or artificially, with levelling up and point/rank systems.  Combine that with tunnel vision and multi-player and there’s a recipe for time wasting without it feeling like it.

I guess one can't change the past. Just have to learn from it. Still sucks making the mistake though, with a finite lifespan that depletes more every day.

Edited January 3, 2016 by Paul

[Cam Adair]

Woohoo hey Paul!

I do believe the false sense of achievement and progress gaming gives you is a major problem. I'm going to address that specifically more moving forward.

[kortheo]

This is actually a great point that probably deserves more discussion. The fact that gaming gives you this sense of achievement tricks us into feeling like we're improving our lives and attaining our goals when we're doing no such thing. Understanding this is probably key to getting past gaming and investing our energy into real forms of achievement in life.

[Cam Adair]

This is actually a great point that probably deserves more discussion. The fact that gaming gives you this sense of achievement tricks us into feeling like we're improving our lives and attaining our goals when we're doing no such thing. Understanding this is probably key to getting past gaming and investing our energy into real forms of achievement in life.

Exactly. You accomplish everything you do in a game, then you take your headset off, stand up, turn around and look at your life and it's exactly where it was before. So you say fuck it, turn around, sit back down and game away. Lol. 

[Paul]

Had a pretty awful day 5 days ago and really felt like playing. While I didn't technically play, I watched Youtube videos of some Starcraft II strategies and professional gameplay with commentary, which is again the same thing as before... a never ending thirst for gameplay refinement. I'm going to reset my counter, because what is the difference between playing a game and watching videos of gameplay for at least 6-7 consecutive hours into 4am? The time is wasted all the same. I lost perception of how much time passed during that period.

I'm very resistant to almost every other form of addiction. I mean I've never smoked, am not addicted to status, recognition, females, money, socialising, thrills and only ever had 2 alcohol drinks, yet I'm so susceptible to some games from this genre. There is something that gaming is giving me that I don't get from those other things. I will need to figure out what exactly that is.

So yeah... I guess I'm only human. I do make mistakes.

But I don't give up.

Day 5

[Cam Adair]

But I don't give up.

This is everything.

[Paul]

Day 15.5

Was made aware of something quite important recently. Forgiveness.

Three family members I was very fond of are already deceased, indirectly due to the greed of two other family members over money. I never completely forgave them for this, as well as some other people who I've felt betrayed by.

Hatred changes the person you are and nothing good comes of it. I found an old picture of myself today. There standing in that picture on top of a mountain was a happy, spontaneous and more importantly, a good person.

These days I am not so sure of the latter. It feels more like a choice I adhere to, rather than an inherent quality as before, as I am already so desensitised and am beginning to lose some of my conscience. Somewhere along the line, things went wrong with me emotionally or maybe the lack thereof and it's probably partly my fault for allowing it to happen. The first time I realised what was happening was when someone I knew told me "Paul, you're smiling". I looked at her a bit confused and she said "You're always so serious, I never see you smile". what a far cry from the time when people would call me "Spongebob", because of the exact opposite.

I need to let go of the past and more importantly, forgive. Bit by bit, I am going to restore the kind of person I once was, and this time, protect my authentic self. Not doing so is undoubtedly the biggest failure I've made in my life.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Paul