"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

The Warrior's Infinite Opus

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Posted

Schwing reporting for duty here. Why the cringey topic name you ask? Well I'm naming this journal after the best metal instrumental of all time ever- The Warrior's Infinite Opus by Inferi. This piece means a lot to me and is incredibly inspiring for me. The title and the composition in general I feel is about people who have fought for change in the world and the trillions more to come. I want to make something truly great of my short existence and honour the endurance and determination of those who have done so in the past. I encourage everyone to do so too!

Date: Sat 12/11/2016

Journal day: 1

Detox day: 7

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): Don't fucking remember- maybe 3?

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

07:00

Went to bed at:

02:20 - Got back from work late- started faffing with this journal.

What went well: 

  • High on caffeine at school made me work hard and really confident
  • Got up earlier than I needed to
  • Studied hard when I got home for 2 hours
  • Expanded my artistic skills a lot. Looked up some tutorials on watercolour. Portraits people were doing really inspired me
  • Worked hard at work (wash up at the local pub for 5 hours on a night) got back late and got paid extra and felt really good about it

What didn't go well: 

  • I hat a chat with this fit lass I had never met at work before. Went ok but I just dont think i'm a very chatty person. She asked me if I was sporty and I lied that i went climbing a lot. We also talked about uni and I half dodged some questions about clubbing and partying and shit. I didn't need to lie about that. I hate parties.Love getting pissed but parties suck pretty hard otherwise.
  • My classmates is miles ahead of me at school in my design technology class. Only in the work we are doing in the workshop though.

Physical tasks:

  • Does washing up count lol?

Mental tasks:

  • Art
  • Studying. I spent about an hour designing a chain link. Was challenging and fun.

What I am grateful for:

  • Hair looked sexy af
  • Chef has sick music taste
  • Employers are awesome as is my job in general
  • youtube art tutorials. Seriously i have learnt so much from that site. I wouldn't be the same person i am today without it.
  • Fucking metal. I love blasting it in the morning.
  • My education. I'm lucky to go to private school and I should use it and my own intelligence to it's full potential.

What I have learnt from today:

  • I don't need to lie about myself. I should be proud of who I am. That is what matters to people more than who I am- my sense of pride.
  • I love art! My new passion.
  • Coffee is pretty good. But I'll refrain from drinking it regularly because I get depressed sometimes from it.
  • Who cares if I fail. I just need to succeed. I don't need to compare myself to other people to succeed.

Ideas for tomorrow:

  • Start building a shelf for my room
  • Study for 2 or 3 hours
  • Play drums for 1 hour
  • Practice my metal vocals for 10 mins
  • Practice my art for 2 hours or more.

Notes:

  • If you're wondering why i go to school on saturday morning well that's private school for you
  • I didn't get a chance to start my journal yesterday. Yesterday was really important for me because I got awarded an Arkwright engineering scholarship. You can look it up for further details and I might make a separate post about it. It was a really thought provoking day.

 

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Posted

Great job starting your journal. I will be following :)

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Posted

Welcome in!

What will you place in your new shelf?

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Posted

Gonna put my CDs and all my books on it and my art supplies too.

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Posted

Art is the most beautiful craft ever made :)

If it's your passion, then make it thrive!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Posted

Welcome! :)

What a great start to a journal! Awesome to see you're planning to do a variety of activities instead of slugging out only one like me (studying).

All the best for making the most of life.

 

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Posted (edited)

Just a template for future reference please ignore

Date: 

Journal day: 

Detox day: 

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

 

Went to bed at:

 

Positive: 

 

Negative: 

 

Physical tasks:

 

Mental tasks:

 

What I am grateful for:

 

What I have learnt from today:

 

About tomorrow:

 

Notes:

Edited by Schwing

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Posted

Date: 13/11/2016

Journal day: 2

Detox day: 8

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 0 bwahahahaha

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

10:00 am (late night)

Went to bed at:

22:50

Positive: 

  • Played drums for 1 hour and I made up some pretty cool beats. I'm making it a habit to build up my muscle on my practice pad so I can play faster.
  • Actually bothered to take a shower on a sunday at home.
  • Cooked some pasta for lunch. Very tasty.
  • Cleaned my room
  • Did metal vocals for an hour. My endurance is getting better. My lows sounded so fucking good today and much clearer and didn't hurt at all. My highs still tickle a littIe though. Found out I'm a tenor.
  • Got my stepdad to help me put up that shelf. We had an old one in the shed that needed shifting. Was a real pain in the arse trying to get the thing on the wall. But I enjoyed it in a way. Very physical. Still need to paint the bloody thing though.
  • I did a bit of studying. Got most of it out of the way though the other day. For my coursework I am designing a bass drum pedal so I spent a bit of time making the parts on CAD software.
  • Got some art done (about 2 hours). I'm really getting into this. It's like I'm looking at all the different art supplies I could buy instead of pc parts and peripherals.

Negative: 

  • I daydreamed for about an hour today! i could have got some studying in there. Daydreaming is a real problem for me especially when I'm in an optimistic mood.
  • Felt a little lost at the end of the day. Like I didn't know what to do and I just wanted to sit there. Then I felt like jerking it. I think jerking it has something to do with my depression. Maybe I was just tired.

Physical tasks:

  • Fixing that shelf to the wall
  • Singing
  • Cooking

Mental tasks:

  • Studying
  • Drums (it's more mental)
  • Art

What I am grateful for:

  • My stepdad being an absolute legend and helping me with that shelf.
  • Metal as always
  • People going out of their way to help others in general. I will do it more often. I was always very cynical about it but I don't think it's so bad now.

What I have learnt from today:

  • I've decided I need to perfect my approach to drawing faces before I can tackle any form of painting. Just dicking about with some pencils can teach me a lot about the proportions, contours and planes of the face.
  • Need to solve my daydreaming problem
  • I have great singing potential
  • I should do more things around the house to keep myself occupied. Perhaps 2 chores a day at weekends.
  •  I really like screaming my tits off to metal. Makes me feel like a beast \m/.
  • I can't bring myself to love anyone. I probably do subconsciously but I feel i can't express any sentimental attachment to anyone. It's scary.

About tomorrow:

  • Just go to school and do your thing
  • I have to teach the year below how to read maps at cadets at school. Gonna be hard considering those little shites will be taking the piss constantly.
  • Go all out in running tomorrow
  • When you get home and study allot 2 or 3 hours no more no less.

Notes:

  •  If you're confused as to what I'm on about when i say metal vocals: imagine punching the cookie monster in the balls and the noise that would make. That's your answer.
  • I jerked it as soon as I woke up. Should i stop? I don't know if it's good or bad or just beneficial not to do it. Don't have a girlfriend though.
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Posted

Thank you everyone for your kind words as always

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Posted (edited)

Date: Mon 14/11/2016

Journal day: 3

Detox day: 9

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 1

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

07:20

Went to bed at:

22:50

Significant points about day:

  • Felt very very confident at school today. The way I talked to people was very different. Also people felt very different. I used to have really bad anxiety but now people don't feel like these unapproachable objects as much. I feel more comfortable doing something out of the norm now when everyone is looking.
  • Talked to some girls. Went very well. Just chilled and talked to them like i do to guys. But one of them didn't say anything at all and the other one seemed a little shocked by my offensive humour but not in a really bad way. Should i talk to girls differently? Probably not.
  • Didn't get an awful lot done in the way of studying. Wasn't really daydreaming holding me back but just lack of willpower. Still manage to stay within my 2 hours and do my maths homework.
  • Well i had to teach that lesson I talked about in my last entry. The little fuckers tried sizing me up about 2 seconds into the lesson. I could smell the ego on their breath. Dealt with it well though at first but later on I couldn't think of anything to say back to them when they were chatting shit. Fortunately I had one of my mates to back me up. He was really charismatic and chill and they were all so much more engaged towards him. I got a few things in but I could tell who they respected more. I found I was a lot more thick skinned than usual though. I'll see how I'll handle it next week.
  • Confidence was at a bit of a low when i got back. Got a bit depressed and just mindlessly browsed youtube.
  • Felt better after screaming to some metal. Lets out my negative emotions.
  • Got up too late

Physical tasks:

  • Ran 4 miles

Mental tasks:

  • Studying
  • Art

What I am grateful for:

  • Cadet force for putting me in awkward social situations so I can be more resilient to them.
  • The feeling of running. Feel like an animal or something.
  • Metal. When I am never grateful for the metal? The answer is never.
  • Ride cymbals

What I have learnt from today:

  • I am a skinny fuck. I should maybe look into getting in at the gym
  • Doesn't matter if I'm witty or not if people chat shit at me. They put 0 effort into chatting shit so I should just do the same.
  • I am a blunt, offensive person and I shouldn't give a shit if people don't like it
  • I should scream more often. When I feel bad I shouldn't be afraid to do it.
  • Fuck comparing myself to other people.
  • Negative comments mean nothing. People just like to be negative. People that do that are below me.
  • I shouldn't prey on people with my ego. If I do it a lot then it will backfire. I can benefit more from being nicer to people.

About tomorrow:

  • Climbing- really looking forward to it. I should go down to the wall more often.
  • I'll stay and do some coursework in the workshop.
  • Get up at 06:30

Notes:

Edited by Schwing

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Posted

Felt very very confident at school today. The way I talked to people was very different. Also people felt very different. I used to have really bad anxiety but now people don't feel like these unapproachable objects as much. I feel more comfortable doing something out of the norm now when everyone is looking.

Any idea what's helped to improve this?

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Posted

I don't really know. I think it's a change on a more subconscious level so it's hard to pin point what triggered it. I think leaving my comfort zone and externalising my internal feelings by means of this journal and other things l have left a mark on  my mind. I think believing in the principles in the "what I have learnt part" on a conscious level has affected me on a subconscious level too.

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Posted (edited)

Making my entries shorter for convenience

Date: Mon 15/11/2016

Journal day: 4

Detox day: 10

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 1

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

07:00

Went to bed at:

23:30

Summary:

  • Woke up and sung some metal
  • Went to school
  • Did climbing in evening with school club
  • Came home very depressed
  • Snapped out of it very quickly
  • Talked to a friend who is in a similar situation to me
  • Bulldozed through maths homework
  • Did art

Tasks and Achievements:

  • I'm getting better at drawing male faces
  • I'm getting better at climbing but I need to work on my endurance
  • Lot's of studying done. Used time well.

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Sylosis restocking that tshirt i wanted in their merch store

What I have learnt from today:

  • I fucking hate it when people see there is something up with me and try and talk to me
  • I hate people throwing their ego everywhere and being a dick to try and boost it. Makes me want to smash their face in.
  • I hate not having the balls to smash someone's face in
  • I feel like I should be content with being a loner more rather than vainly seeking out attention when i don't have it. I am sick of cosying up to other people's egos.
  • I shouldn't negatively compare myself to other people no matter what. Or at least I should see them as competition.
  • I am very thick skinned. More than I was before. I should use it to my advantage. My feelings solely come from my perception. Nobody cares about me if they are negative to me- they just care about their ego. I realise this. I am not prey or a predator.

About tomorrow:

  • Running. Go full throttle as always. I'm getting good. tbh i only weigh 8.5 stone.
  • Do my maths homework in lunch break

Notes:

Edited by Schwing
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Posted

Fuck I hate school sometimes. It's like a bloody zoo.

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Posted (edited)

Date: Wed 16/11/2016

Journal day: 5

Detox day: 11

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 2

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

07:20

Went to bed at:

 

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Woke up late. Went to school depressed
  • Got less depressed as day went on and felt quite confident and chatty towards the end.

Tasks and Achievements:

  • Ran a mile in 6 and a half minutes.
  • Lot's of studying done. Used time well.

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Nothing much

What I have learnt from today:

  • My depression is changing in a way. I don't feel like just sitting there and doing nothing. I just hate everything and get on with my life.
  • I realise the reasons people act the way they do. How different is the adult world to the school environment? Someone please tell me: I need something to look forward to. Or not.

About tomorrow:

  • Lot's of time to study tomorrow. Use it well

Notes:

Edited by Schwing
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