"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

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Been struggling for years. Just relapsed again.

5 posts in this topic

Posted

I don't even know what to write. I'm so sick of this.

Ive been through so much, depression, anxiey, group homes, suicide attempts, oh and I might have a form of bipolar according to my therapist so that's great.

I really don't understand how people do it. 

I tried talking to people in the discord channel and I guy told me not to be gay and man up. When I said I was offended he told me he wasnt heterosexual so he can say that. How was I supposed to know that? What if someone saw that and didn't know?

Anyways just making this post mostly to vent. Hopefully I can get myself strained out soon.

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Posted

I really don't understand how people do it.

You mean life? Me neither, to be honest. There are days in which I'm feeling bad, real bad, and I hate myself for not being able to fake even a neutral face and act a functional human being. Little by little those days are becoming less in number. You must find your own way to keep going with your own life. Right now you're at a point where you probably think that is easy to say and hard as hell to do at best, and a fucking dumb cliché at worst, and I'm confident in saying that because I was there too. 

But it's the only way. You have two other choices. Games and a rope around the neck. It's harsh, but it's the truth. You're here and you're feeling like shit. That's a good signal. If it hurts it means you care. Don't forget that. It doesn't hurt while you play. Because you don't give a fuck while you're gaming. That's the whole point. 

Discord chat is a public place. That means it's open to everyone, including trolls and assholes. Most of them come from reddit because reddit is fucking cancer they don't bother with signing up in the forums just to mess up. And even here there are people in different stages of their addiction and recovery that could become defensive or abusive if they feel attacked. People do that when they feel vulnerable. I do that sometimes. I don't want to sound like some kind of zen master but, learn to recognize ill intentions for what they are, don't take things personal and harvest whatever piece of useful advice or experience you can find. That is a difficult thing to do and it usually takes a lifetime. But try to never lose the path. 

It seems you've not been around for some time, but if you ever return, start a journal. This is not marketing or some shit. Start a journal here, express yourself, vent, report your progresses and your failures and get feedback. I thought it was pointless. I started because I didn't have better to do. Do it, trust me, you will be thankful later. Thankful at yourself. 

I hope to see you back sir, we have your back.

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Posted

@Steveo46
I am new to this forum myself. But I have been struggling with many issues over the years and I learned a few things. If you'd like to read some of them, just go ahead. If you don't, that is fine as well.
 

  • You are right! This is one of the things that are easily said, but hard to grip and horribly hard to remember when necessary. As a man who does not believe in "right" and "wrong", I might as well say: You are good. See, there are many people in life that want to tell you what you ought to do, how you ought to be, what you do wrong, why you will fail in this or that and that you know nothing about yourself. Many people do that. But think about it! It is crazy. Just crazy. If you feel bad about something, you feel bad about it. That's okay. A negative feeling is only an expression of your mind showing you that there is an issue somewhere. Many people simply deny their own issues and focus on the issues of others. But only when you KNOW that there is an issue, you can solve it. And some issues can only be solved by you and you aaaand you. Which leads to the next part:
  • You can make it right! Only because there is an issue that you failed to solve once or twice or multiple times, it does not mean that this issue is unsolvable. Feeling like crap is not cool, we all know that. But feeling like crap is way better than feeling numb. When distracting yourself, you do not work on your issues. You work on nothing. Feeling like a sack of crap means you are still in control. You are still the captain of the ship and you can still use your skills and resources to work on what you want to see changed. You will fail. Everybody will fail. But that does not mean you are a failure. It means something in this plan failed. It might need a different approach, it might need a different angle, it might need a higher developed skill, more time, a different time, a different mindset ... the possibilities are infinite! And that is one thing you should focus on: The possibilities. It's easy to focus on the failure. On that one horrible failure, while there is this infinity of possibilities, opportunities, options, whatever. If you give in to this bad feeling and walk around, your head focusing the ground, you will not be able to see the world around you. Which leads to the next thing:
  • You are responsible! What does that sound like? To me it always sounded like: You are guilty! You are why it wont work! You are bad! But that's not what it says. It says that you are responsible. Which is great. You are responsible for your own actions. You are responsible for the fact that you made your way to this point. You are here. You want to change something. You are responsible for all the issues and the great things. That puts you, like I said before, IN CONTROL. It allows you; it wants you to act. You can make yourself grow, you can make the necessary steps to see change. YOU! You made it to this point and you will make it even further because YOU are IN CONTROL. And in hindsight, was it ever easy for you? I guess, it wasn't. But you still managed to do it the hard way.
  • This last point is a little different, but still, there are similarities: People on the internet. Think of one important thing: If people assault you, you are worth being assaulted. That means, there is something in you, that makes weak people want to bring you down. They want to see you fail. I would bet that many of these internet trolls are telling you "to man up", because they aren't able to solve their own issues and they do not want to see anybody succeed. Because that would mean, they have no excuses left to not work on their issues. The most efficient thing is to just ignore them. The guy you describe in your post seems to be full of shit. He obviously has some issues that prevent him from being a courageous person. And he distracts himself from his problems and issues by attacking others who are trying to deal with their issues. Ignore those people. The mask of anonymity is what they need to assault you. Ignore them. Even if you failed at some point, you are still ahead of them. Ignore them, 'cause you do not owe them a damn thing!

Also, it might be useful to open a thread to discuss future discord meetings with people that are actually helpful. Or find a partner on this board that you trust to talk to. Carefully choose what you want to have in your life. Internet-trolls are surely not a part of it. In general, avoid people that want to drag you down. That want to see you fail. Believe in yourself and surround yourself with people, that are supportive.

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Posted

How has the past week been @Steveo46? We're here for you.

Great advice @Robert Arctor and @Hitaru, thanks for sharing. Definitely agree to start a journal Steveo, that will help a lot!

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How has the past week been @Steveo46? We're here for you.

Great advice @Robert Arctor and @Hitaru, thanks for sharing. Definitely agree to start a journal Steveo, that will help a lot!

 

@Cam Adair

hey cam! thanks for checking in on me even though this is a old post! that means a lot to me!

it's funny that you ask how i'm doing now of all times because it just so happens i just got over said relapse and i'm back to trying to quit again. So far i'm coming out of the gate strong. Last time i quite i remember it was kinda half hearted and forced. This time I'm really positive about the whole thing. Maybe because i've quit so many times before it's finally starting to sink in that i need to take this seriously.

BTW @Robert Arctor and @HItaru thank you so much for reading and responding. I found your posts very helpful :)

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