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[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)


Marquess

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Today, I went for my usual everyday walk. It lasts ~30 minutes and mostly takes place on a path that encircles a good part of my town; the path had been built after WW2 where barbed wire fence used to be during German occupation.

Passing through a small and somewhat overgrown park, I noticed some wild strawberries growing by the side, so I picked one. It was nearly tasteless, a little bitter, even though it looked fully ripe. Once I looked up, a teenager walked past me; he'd seen me. I think he smirked.

A few seconds later, I realized that multiple dogs had probably pissed on the berries during all this time.

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Edited by Marchosias
ITS SURPRISINGLY HARD TO FIND A PICTURE OF WILD STRAWBERRIES THAT LOOKS ANYTHING CLOSE TO IDYLLIC AT LEAST FOR MY STANDARDS REGARDING PICTURES OF WILD STRAWBERRIES WE USED TO GATHER THEM IN THE FOREST WHEN I WAS A CHILD I HAVE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES OF IT
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There was a tiny yellow snail at the middle of the sidewalk; I tried to move him to the grass at the side, but he was so firmly attached to the asphalt that I couldn't raise him without hurting him.


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Google finds so many watermerked pictures of snails from various image providers. Snails are a big business it seems. (Should've taken my phone.)

Edited by Marchosias
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I don't know whether I want to start counting days. On some level I feel like I'll begin failing the moment I start counting again; every attempt that involved counting so far has failed, so this one may as well. But every attempt on which I didn't count failed too. No rational conclusion here, obviously.

(I'm farther than I've ever been, btw. 21.)

(The only time during which I stayed away from WoW longer than that was in 2013 during my 5 week stay in a hospital. When I returned to my wrecked apartment, the first thing I did was of course it was.)

I've been thinking about it yesterday and came to a conclusion that, at least in my case, the attitude I have towards WoW and the effect is has on me, near instant effect, can fairly be compared to opiates addiction. I honestly think this is not an exaggeration. I'm sure it's different in many ways, but in terms of severity, the damage done and potential further damage, I think it's reasonable to compare it to heroin. At least for me.

It's interesting that heroin as such, if pure, isn't even all that damaging to the body. Pure heroin will do a lot less damage to one's organs than perfectly legal and socially acceptable alcohol. Yet of course, no one can afford pure H. And another little known fact is that only about 15% of people who try it get addicted. Media and entertainment industry have made heroin into this dark, mysterious beast, but some have commented that the actual high, the actual effect is fairly boring when compared to things like THC.

I don't even care about heroin. I know I'd get addicted right away. I get addicted to everything to one degree or another.

I'm more or less unemployable. Picking up telephones and entering crap into an Excell sheet requires a degree, and I'm a highschool dropout who haven't had a job for more than two years. No one will hire me. That's not the part I mind; what annoys me most while looking through the job listing are the phrases: must be happy to work. Good work ethic, punctuality. Appreciates regular work and payment on time.

These are literal translations from my language; I doubt this is every said in the English speaking world. Probably because you guys don't enjoy humiliating unqualified workers as much. I mean, fuck, you are basically hiring me for a job a trained monkey could do, and you talk about me being excited, passionate about it and then being thankful for actually receiving payment on time and not getting fired. Fuck off.

They're probably going for single mothers who need jobs, or I don't know. But those mothers can just be on welfare. Every woman here is on welfare. They stay at home, drop their kids at a kindergarten, and live off their welfare plus husband's salary. It's standard.

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Edited by Marchosias
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Assemblage 23 - I Am the Rain

Too eager to appease
The cure is the disease
And it's only growing worse

Day by day, it takes its hold
Divides its cells a thousandfold
And makes your blindness seem perverse

Out of sight and out of mind
Are deadly traits when they're combined
But it's easier that way

Sit and watch the world go by
While all the problems multiply
With nothing left to do but pray

I am the rain
Falling down to cover you
Wish me away
But I'm here for your own good
I am the storm
Sent to wake you from your dream
Show me your scorn
But you'll thank me in the end

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Wow, I can relate to those concerns about employability, so much. I guess it's common ground for every high-school dropout. Now add some artistic/political ambitions, and things that are hardly profitable as an average, the panic gets real. If you can cope with training yourself in something mildly uninspiring but mildly economical, I'd suggest going for that. If you have something you are REALLY passionate about, no matter how improbable, go for that first. Got nothing to lose now, and big shit to gain in the future, right?

>the face when I'm encouraging Marchosias to be the slovene Nigel Farage

 

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>2016
>not a highschool dropout

I'm not concerned about my employment at all. I'll never have a job again; I'll freelance at first and later only work for myself.

The only obstacle I need to deal with is the fact that I'm not a native speaker, so it'll take a lot more practice to get where I'd otherwise automatically be were I a native.

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The only obstacle I need to deal with is the fact that I'm not a native speaker, so it'll take a lot more practice to get where I'd otherwise automatically be were I a native.

If you never mentioned that English wasn't your first language I never would have guessed it from your writing.  Your English is better than a lot of people who only speak English.

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The only obstacle I need to deal with is the fact that I'm not a native speaker, so it'll take a lot more practice to get where I'd otherwise automatically be were I a native.

If you never mentioned that English wasn't your first language I never would have guessed it from your writing.  Your English is better than a lot of people who only speak English.

True, not all native speakers automatically write well in their own language. Check some fanfics, hah 

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You absolutely need to learn how to punctuate properly; that makes you understand the internal logic of the language. Each language is built around a certain way of thinking, and it reflects it in every way. Good vocabulary isn't enough; you need to know the mechanics. (This is why non-native writers are often obvious. They have the words but are applying them to a foreign framework, sounding awkward.)

The next step is realizing that no skilled writers of almost any type follow these rules 100%. This is true in fiction -- I've seen writers being criticized for their style being too formal -- and nonfiction where you often want to sound more casual to connect with the reader. But your personal style can only be developed and, when needed, adapted after you get the basics.

I'm happy enough with where I am right now. I have a long way to go if I want to become excellent though.

On the contrary, I have no idea about Slovenian grammar and can still pull very good stuff out of my ass. Takes a whole less effort & time, too.

TOO BAD I SPENT THE LAST 8 YEARS PLAYING WOW INSTEAD OF WRITING EVERY DAY EH

Edited by Marchosias
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Perhaps it's worth mentioning that I've seen Warcraft the movie yesterday. It was absolutely deplorable. Cardboard characters, lazy writing. If I weren't such a WoW fan, I'd never finish it. The game deserves a far better movie.

Edited by Marchosias
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Guys. I think I'm in trouble ...

K9YIjKB.jpg

I simply mentioned my distaste for tattooed women and politely suggested an option of re-education camps (without a mention of compulsion).

What vicious creatures.

Edited by Marchosias
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Re-education for staining their skin with even more tattoos. I'm very conservative when it comes to body modification. Actually, I'm very pro body modification as long as it doesn't include things like piercing, tattooing, or inserting silicone implants & things. Most of these girls wild benefit from modifying their bodies by hitting the gym. (Save from the oh so brief period of their early 20s and perhaps mid 20s, if they're lucky, when one can stay in perfect shape without doing anything.)

Of course, none would be forced into attending the re-education camps. We'd ask them nicely. It'd be like one big holiday.

Edited by Marchosias
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I've been reading Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead because I want to learn more about objectivism and anarchism in general. The novel's great; it took me a while to get used to her more descriptive, romantic style and the diverse vocabulary -- it certainly isn't one sentence paragraph brotivation. I still have to use the dictionary on almost every page (Kindle is love), but I'll get there. She wasn't even a native speaker, and she wrote this.

the proper moral purpose of one's life is the pursuit of one's own happiness (rational self-interest), that the only social system consistent with this morality is one that displays full respect for individual rights embodied in laissez-faire capitalism, and that the role of art in human life is to transform humans' metaphysical ideas by selective reproduction of reality into a physical form—a work of art—that one can comprehend and to which one can respond emotionally

Scott Adams in his book "How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big" is in line with that. He explains that pursuing your earnest self-interest will eventually produce good results at which point most people automatically become interested in helping those around them and wider society. (Idk what his exact views on capitalism are; he does speak of it favorably in the book if I remember right.)

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Seemingly out of nowhere, massive craving. Not for WoW, fuck WoW, I want to get wasted right now. Very drunk outside with friends I used to have. Smoke cigarettes, too. I basically want it to be 2005 again. I'll take 6, 7, 8. Maybe some 9. Everything after that is more or less shit with few bright spots. More like faded blips. 2013 was actually rather good because I drank all the fucking time and somehow attracted two fairly good looking girls. It was like how terminally ill patient seemingly returns to health right before death.

I'm starting to, hesitantly, feel like I used to. I'm working again, so that has improved my confidence by about 5%. I'm doing really fucking good on detox both in terms of WoW and alcohol. I can't overstate how good it is, and I'm almost terrified of even writing it down as I don't want to jinx it somehow. Thing is; I'm not even worried about relapsing now; I don't care much about it. I know I'll just go back to this if it happens, yet I somehow feel it will not.

And it's not like I have a choice. It would be impossible for me to continue my NEET & hikky lifestyle. I actually look forward to my daily walks now. Fuck, I want to go out right now, and it's 11 PM. I want to go out to get wasted, smoke cigarettes and meet old friends who don't really go out anymore, or they go to places 30 year old people go to. Normal 30 year old people that is. Or is it a thing to make a point of getting wasted at home with some guests at this age? I can get wasted at home. Don't even need guests.

Of course, I won't do it. I would if I could afford it, but I can't.

Ok, the craving is now gone.

Some guy who I wrote a free article for repaid me by posting a (public) comment in my forum thread, saying that my article was basically good, but still contained a few mistakes. When I asked him what those mistakes were (in a private message, with a friendly tone because I'm oh so professional), he gave me a few purely stylistic examples that sounded made up, so I took the entire thing to /r/grammar, where more or less everyone is telling me that my original takes make a lot more sense.

So fuck that dude, seriously. He even claims that he's a native speaker and a professional writer; that kinda reminds me of a kid that can't play the game yet claims he's a multiglad. That's a different life, but it's the same patterns.

I was a good troll, too. People made pictures of me. Some guy got so angry that he took a picture of a turd inside a toilet and combined it with my WoW interface, editing my name & guild name over the turd. Looking for a pic to attach to this post and found an image where someone added my name over a "the trolling stones" picture. I could've been Mike Cernovich, but I'm kida bad at Twitter & haven't done anything in life. Maybe I can do something with it after all. Just not now.

H4wOx7j.jpg

It's ok. We'll go to hell for laughing at this together.

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PS: The Fountainhead is a fantastic novel.

"The Temple was to be a small building of gray limestone. Its lines were horizontal, not the lines reaching to heaven, but the lines of the earth. It seemed to spread over the ground like arms outstretched at shoulder-height, palms down, in great, silent acceptance. It did not cling to the soil and it did not crouch under the sky. It seemed to lift the earth, and its few vertical shafts pulled the sky down. It was scaled to human height in such a manner that it did not dwarf man, but stood as a setting that made his figure the only absolute, the gauge of perfection by which all dimensions were to be judged. When a man entered the temple, he would feel space mold around him, for him, as if it had waited for his entrance, to be completed.

It was a joyous place, with the joy of exaltation that must be quiet. It was a place where one would come to feel sinless and strong, to find the peace of spirit, never granted save by one's own glory."

TheFountainhead-1.jpg

However, this is then continued with:

"There was no ornamentation inside, except the graded projections of the walls, and the vast windows."

I have no idea what "graded projections of the walls" supposed to even mean. The walls were leaned, so that in itself served as a kind of ornamentation? This is what I mean by not being happy with my level of English.

Edited by Marchosias
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She really wasn't that great at any point, and yet I dreamed about her last night. She was stunningly beautiful during her teens and a good part of her 20s.

It probably wasn't even so much about her looks; objectively speaking, I'd say she was maybe a 7, yet she had a type of charisma, a kind of personality people were simply attracted to. Attracted before she even said or did anything, and her social skills were flawless: a combination of inherent ability and a lot of practice. And something else. I think there was something else I couldn't identify. Now, years later, I'm no longer as sure.

Even at 25 when we finally started dating, I was still immensely drawn to her. It wasn't so much that I ignored the warning signs; it was a calculated decision. Both of her arms were full of poorly healed cuts and burns. Burns, they were literal craters; I hadn't seen anything like it before or since. But it was ok because she could cover it when we went out; she didn't cover them for me but would never tell me the story. She also wouldn't tell me why her teeth looks the way it does; I didn't need to ask though. They were teeth one gets after smoking crack for a long time.

She had been getting clean for months when we started and was more or less functional in every way. Very glad to be as well. In spite of obvious damage, she was still a rather attractive woman (I can't bring myself to call her a girl), she still had "it", people would still instantly like her. I can't explain it; looks and charisma will get you so far, but I swear there were random people approaching her for no apparent reason all the time. When I asked her about it, she just smiled and and said she has no idea.

She probably never did. In terms of emotional maturity, her real age was a lot closer to 12 than 25 (I was 24 at the time). I suspect it still is, but who knows, and it doesn't matter. She's 31 now. We don't talk, but I've seen one or two pictures. It's sad.

And the dream itself; it was basically a combination of the usual theme: me being at home and skipping high school, except it was with her and we were taking codeine tablets (no clue) while she kept explaining what an interesting & cool life she leads, how great her boyfriend is. She would actually do this in a more indirect way while we were together; I think she enjoyed it.

My drinking began to become worrying at that point, but it wasn't crippling in any way yet. I remember she commented on it a few times, but the entire relationship, if I could call it that, was one huge party anyway.

I remember the first time we met. I was 18, she was 19. It was at some apartment party; we went out to smoke, and about half an hour later, people, including her boyfriend, rushed down nervously. I think they thought we may have simply left together, but we didn't.

She moved to UK a few months after because of course she did; we did meet a few times, but nothing happened for a variety of reasons. Partially because I had a very limited idea about how to talk to people, partially because I had a girlfriend at the time. I could have fucked her right there and then looking back.

Last I heard she's studying psychology or some crap back in UK. Her father is a successful architect, which is probably what's triggered the dream considering I've been reading Rand, who will support her forever. It's more of a curse; she'll never grow up.

And if she will, if she has, it's going to be too late. It is too late. Her name was Lana.

uZ2Cpv5.jpg

Edited by Marchosias
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