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[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)


Marquess

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Day 5

500 words into writing about politics and trying to make a sensible conclusion again. I basically think almost everyone's approach is wrong and that most people are dishonest. Deleted everything because who cares. Maybe some other time.

Read Cam's book and loved it. This is how all self help books should've been written: there is a bit of story, but it's his own story, and he doesn't spend 20 pages praising himself and his achievements. Instead, he clearly shows who he is and why should we trust him. We then move straight into what, why, and how you can deal with your video game addiction.

Personally, I don't know if I've learned anything truly new, but I definitely needed to hear it all again. In truth, most of this information is available for free, but it may take weeks to gather for someone who's facing addiction for the first time (and, as a result, is in a terrible mental state anyway).

It also has some info that I haven't seen anywhere else. I think Cam's the first person who clearly defined what are the needs games fulfill for gaming addicts. There may be something similar buried in some research somewhere, but that's hardly relevant since it's all poorly presented and written by people who were never gamers themselves.

My highlights:

- Don't beat yourself for the time you spent gaming. It was an exciting and interesting experience, and I should value it for what it was.

- Daily gratitude. This is something I've been seeing others do all the time, and I always thought it a little lame. After reading the book though, I'm sold on it.

- The part when Cam decides to game 'till holidays ... then actually sticks to it and quits. I'd say this is an extremely rare scenario. In 2008, when WotLK came out, I told my GF at the time I'll just play to level 80 because I want to experience the new xpac buzz. 8 years later, here we are :P.

- [my disagreement with Cam*] None of your gaming friends will support your decision to quit. You must dump them all. Even if some honestly wants to support you, it's just a question of time before they start contributing to your relapse -- often without them knowing. Burn the bridges, salt the earth, make unforgivable insults. It's easy.

- My recent slip/relapse (I'd say it's in grey area, but I'm not reaching 90 days with a disclaimer) was mostly a result of not working enough. I  barely did any work. Right now, I'm still in a sort of "grinding" phase after which I'll start making real money. This is the only form of relevant tangible progress for me right now, and I spent too much time "relaxing" on social networks and YouTube.

Gratitude:

Large glass jars to drink water from. I've seen people doing that on YT, and I've finally implemented it myself. Now I'm like those cool youtubers. Woah. But really, it's great because it requires far less refills, and it also feels manly to drink out of a large glass. No more plastic cups shit.

I'm also grateful for finally getting my mind back last evening.

And the fact that I went Kayne West on FB during my 3 wasted days. It's going to be weeks before I dare to open that website again, so at least it won't be draining me for a while. There's Twitter, but it sucks and it's going down.

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Natalia Poklonkskaya tells it like it is.

*Cam puts this in a much more measured manner and permits a chance that some gaming friends may be worth keeping. This can be true -- the universe is infinite -- but I think it's dangerous to expect that to happen.

He's already promoting ideas that the reader might be resisting. The last thing he wants is to tell him all his gaming friends (sometimes all the friends he has) must go and will only hurt him.

Edited by Marchosias
HOW ABOUT THAT GOP DEBATE EH
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Thanks for the feedback man, you made my day! Truthfully Respawn is meant to be more for someone who is new to this community, so for those who have been around for a longer time they won't find much new in it - although I have tons of new material coming at some point. I do appreciate that even as someone who already knew most of the content, you still found it valuable as a reminder.

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Thanks for the feedback man, you made my day! Truthfully Respawn is meant to be more for someone who is new to this community, so for those who have been around for a longer time they won't find much new in it - although I have tons of new material coming at some point. I do appreciate that even as someone who already knew most of the content, you still found it valuable as a reminder.

It definitely has been a good reminder. There's a part of me that craves comfort beyond everything else, for every price, and as a result, all the beneficial knowledge keeps getting pushed aside. That's why communities like this are so important. Thank you (and Kortheo) again for gifting it to me; I take it as a display of trust :mushy:.

How come you don't have it on Amazon? I see there's some other book with the same title, but completely different approach (and I'm not even sure about the contents). I guess the extra exposure wouldn't be worth the hefty cut Amazon takes from each sale? I think it increases dramatically on everything above ten bucks.

Edited by Marchosias
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Day 6: Your Best Mistake

I'm seeing a number of people playing games during their detoxes. 5 minutes, few hours, a day or two. Or three.

We all agree that there's a difference between a relapse and a slip:

  • A relapse is when you go back to gaming, thinking "fuck this, gaming 4 lyef," and doing it for days, weeks, perhaps months. Sometimes years.
  • A slip is a lot shorter and is often done with hesitation. It can be as short as minutes or perhaps several hours/days.

Question is: it's clear that the detox counter should be stopped when one relapses. But how about slips? Perhaps it should be reset only for longer slips that last, say, 2 or 3 days? There surely is a difference between playing 10 minutes, which are then followed by tears, anger, and deletion ... and power playing through a weekend? How about 10 minutes versus 5 hours?

Personally, I'll reset the timer in any case even if it's 2 seconds of gaming. When I reach my 90 days goal, I don't want a DISCLAIMER stating that I've played for 2 hours on day 6 and an entire evening on day 52. I want it to be 90 days that are completely, absolutely free of games. No buts, no omissions.

However, should one decide otherwise -- and there may be legitimate reasons to do so -- how would you react when that person reaches their 90 days?

Look, so what if someone plays for 10 minutes on his 87th day. Are you gonna barge into his topic and tell him to fuck off and start again?

Should the tolerance for slips be increased according to the amount of days spent in detox? If so, should there be a formula?

:PpppPPPPpPPpppppPPppppppp

Daily gratitude:

- Broccoli is fucking awesome. It's basically potato just healthier. Bake it in a pan with coconut oil and some caramelized onion and it's all amazing. You can also make a pic of it and post it to all your social profiles, so everyone is informed that you can in fact cook.

- Having the ability to crawl out of this miserable pit I threw myself into.

- Mother replying to my e-mail in a relatively positive tone. Apparently, they're now turning their entire house around, so my sister and her boyfriend will have an apartment in the second floor. Such is the state of millennials. I wonder what children of millennials will be like. Oh, wait. What children.

- Nekopara Vol. 2 being out. N-nyaaaaa~!

vo_02_ga_01.png

I play it for the storyline.

 

PS: Remade the first post in this journal into a greeting post. Check it out.

Edited by Marchosias
LAST TWO GRATITUDE POINTS ARE IN NO WAY RELATED OK
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Or you can always just play DotA or whatever shitty moba this is (it's not even on screen) and set 1K dollars donation goals per session and live in Russia where 1K is basically like having 3K.

I bet she can even murr murr murr murr out of paying taxes.

It's not exactly high minded, but being 30 and all, there's a sense of schadenfraude when I see some of the girls that used to be WA WA WOOM turn into MILFs overnight.

Not that I'd ever openly emphasize it. It'd feel like bullying. And who cares; I'm a gamma male as it is.

Murr murr murr murr.

maxresdefault.jpg

 

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Day 7: Rain

It's been raining for weeks here, and it seems that it'll continue. This is highly untypical for my area. The matrix is obviously breaking down.

I completely wrecked myself by eating extremely high carb for the last few days. Now I'm bleeding out of my ass again. Nothing a fast and a reasonable diet won't solve though.

Gratitude:

- I am now able to spell "gratitude" properly. It wasn't even a part of my active vocabulary before.

- Robert's (30 days to x) new blog entry about ideas. If I applied 10% of what he shares on his blog, I'd be writing this from my mountain mansion by the seaside.

With this in mind, I'll introduce a new section to this journal starting tomorrow: daily earnings.

SkSobD6.png

 

 

Edited by Marchosias
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keep it up. Really enjoy your writing style it's expressive, to the point, and descriptive. :)

don't dissapoint the fanbase (eager reader here).

Seriously good that you are back here! Was there a trigger for your relapse or did shit just overwhelm you?( if i may ask)

Did you mean to quote me and not Marchosias?

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Day 8

Daily gratitude:

- Being able to recognize inefficient or just awkward ideas. I've mentioned before that this journal is more of a "stream of consciousness" type of thing, so it's normal that some of the older (and frankly, more recent) entries make me cringe.

- Cheap chicken. These animals spend their entire lives in tiny cages and are given all sorts of antibiotics, and god knows what else. The result? Very affordable and tasty chicken meat. I don't plan on eating this when I grow up one day.

- Welfare in my country, ech, existing. I extended it today, but if all goes according to plans, I won't have to rely on it for much longer. I'd say a month.

Daily earnings: 0 €

:C

TgOZail.jpg

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Day 9

Here's an interesting video that explains how Trump manages to dominate the political discourse (such as it is): Donald Trump's Debates: 5 Mental Tricks You Didn't Notice. His other videos are interesting too -- it's called "Charisma on Command".

Daily gratitude:

- Just having my own apartment in which I can have my privacy. I don't know how else could I manage to function even at this level if it were otherwise. How do people have roommates? Who knows. I'm told you basically just have to be tolerant and learn how to leave each other alone, and I suppose I could do that with relative ease. But I'm glad I don't have to.

- Rice. While high carb and thus not ideal, it, unlike bread and pasta, doesn't cut my insides open. It's also insanely cheap, so that's good.

Daily earnings: 1.01 $

Big money coming in.

hcl6HqJ.jpg

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Ben and Charlie from Charisma on Command are friends of mine. They're a complete riot in all the best ways. Happy to hear you're enjoying their videos. 

Their stuff is very well made. Maybe a little too happy-go-lucky at times, but that's more of a personal preference than an objective opinion :P. And I don't even imagine what kind of charisma videos would I prefer instead of these.

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Day 10

There are a few ways to fix your biorhythm, and they all rely on you not taking a 4 hour nap during the day. It's always been my experience that it takes a number of days to get it right no matter what. I once read something about drinking a ton of water before taking the nap, so the urine buildup wakes you an hour or two later, but I don't know. I'll get there.

Quite happy with how the Super Thursday turned out. I do find Rubio terrifying though ... Cruz, Cruz is fine -- he's a corrupt politician, he's playing the game, whatever. But Rubio just has that cold, psychopathic feel about him, especially after I've listened to Stephan Molyneux's take. If my beautiful daughters, who I'll most certainly father at some point, ever bring someone like that home, the shotgun's coming out.

Daily Gratitude:

- Being able to find people who are similar to me through the web. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'd be completely fucked if that weren't the case. Millennial Woes' story (before you click: this is the opposite of PC) is rather close to mine. I'm 3 years younger, and I haven't built a rather prominent YouTube channel, but I feel a distinct kinship in a couple of other areas. Going to wrong schools, not fitting in, working a random job, dropping out of that and becoming a NEET then going more into politics.

Also having a inflated sense of own importance, and having to realize how baseless it is before being able to move on. I've recently dealt with this again here; I think at least a part of it is coming from me being aware of my own potential, and it just comes off as pretentious because I'm not doing enough to actually build something, anything.

The man is now making a modest income through his YT channel and donations, so that's fine. I'm too messed up right now to even think about it, and neither YT nor donations are a reliable income sources.

I'm trying not to think of it (the politics), yet I'm keep being drawn back. Just like I can't help myself going through the bass lines of random songs. I need to get a bass guitar and soon. I've played keys and have rudimentary DJing knowledge; I should be able to pick it up rather fast.

- Strengthening the ability to say no to people who affect me negatively. Not reacting. And honestly not caring too much about them. I don't have to listen to this, goodbye.

Daily earnings: 1.01 $. Come on, I was half asleep most of the day :SSssSSsssss. Also, putting a dollar sign before the amount looks dumb, ok. Americans are weird.

Word of the day: callous. Insensitive, indifferent, unsympathetic. She gave him a callous smile. (This is just an example of me looking up words I either don't know or, as it's mostly the case, aren't a part of my active vocabulary. I want to give more structure to my daily entries, so just the initial section is random thoughts.)

Kky4GSh.png

How we met? Oh, you know, just like most couples do. We were at a bar and had some common friends ... (Bonus points if the girl is actually trans.)

In other words, /pol/ and Tumblr are just really tsundere for each other.

 

PS: Just wanna mention that I'm not a huge fan of /pol/ and that I don't usually hang there. They have their own set of pretty lies just like any other online tribe.

 

 

Edited by Marchosias
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Ben and Charlie from Charisma on Command are friends of mine. They're a complete riot in all the best ways. Happy to hear you're enjoying their videos. 

Their stuff is very well made. Maybe a little too happy-go-lucky at times, but that's more of a personal preference than an objective opinion :P. And I don't even imagine what kind of charisma videos would I prefer instead of these.

They're even more fun in person :D

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  • 2 months later...

/wave

It hasn't even been that long; it feels like ages though. I'll start lurking around here a bit again (I just hope any of the people I knew are still around). 90 day detox is still up, but I won't start counting 'till I get to 30 days. Would feel too silly otherwise (got a week atm).

I'm in a rather unique situation right now because, for some unknown reason, my mouse has reversed. Left is right and up is down, somehow. Something inside the mouse probably broke, and while I've solved the problem by installing a program that reverses the mouse -- so it's acting normal again now -- the solution doesn't quite work in WoW. I won't bother by describing it, but it does weird things to the camera, and it just makes the game unplayable.

Obviously, I can go and purchase some random cheap mouse at any time, but it don't want that, and the risk of it happening is almost non existent, especially considering that my finances still aren't great (they're the opposite of great).

The biggest problem with games is that, unlike alcohol, they're always there to tempt you as long as you're at home. And you need to get up and physically but them, the drinks, and now WoW requires the same action. Good stuff.

So, I don't know, maybe it's time to start publishing tutorials on how to break your mouse to reverse your cursor or something.

However, mouse is just one of the things that's broken down recently. It's kinda ominous: everything has been breaking down for about a month or two now. Whatever the past two years were, they're definitely coming to an end.

Anyway, hi, I hope you guys are all doing well or at least not overly terrible.

mpXdlT9.jpg

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I wish I had anything new to say. Something that I haven't said before in this thread. Again, I'll start the actual detox posting once (and if) I get to a month or perhaps a little more. Going through day 123456789101112131415 again would make me feel like a complete failure, which would be objectively true, even though that's not the right frame of mind to adopt when doing all this. I'm just doing what makes sense for me. 90 day detox is, of course, still krieg.

Lately, everything seems to be progressing faster than I've expected. Wherever this may lead, it'll at least break the status quo, so I'm fine with it. I actually feel very alive.

The last detox was pretty big for me in some ways because it made me realize, or at least start to question, a few things about myself that I thought weren't an issue.

And now I look on Twitch, and all games are either uninteresting or just plain bad. Almost everything is played by hyperactive teenagers who constantly make sudden loud noises (I disliked teenagers even as a teenager), girls who can't play video games, or really sad fucks. You occasionally get a guy who's good at games and more than solid looking & has an ok attitude, but all games are either uninteresting or just plain bad.

I remember some game that allows you to play as a sniper while fighting in some huge world full of bases and vehicles and things. That looked kinda interesting. I doubt my passive 50€ graphics card (which I've bought months ago partially to prevent myself from gaming, partially to eliminate the fan noise, and mostly because I'm broke) would hold it though, heh.

Then there was some guy repeatedly doing Final Fantasy VII speed runs. What a way to spend your time. I think he was getting pretty ok donations. Again, what a way to spend your time (and money).

gHHTtFN.jpg

Edited by Marchosias
LOOK AT THOSE FINGERS
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30 is an awkward age if you’ve blown away a good part of your 20s. It’s painful to imagine what could I’ve achieved if I haven’t spent most of my time working a job I despised, playing a game I’m not good at, and getting wasted at increasing frequency and intensity.

There’s no point on dwelling on it. But thoughts come on their own.

At 40, you’re already severely limited at what you can actually do. The list of everything you wanted in your youth gets cut short solely by the fact that you’re 40. It’s just too late.

And if you’re 20, you can still do pretty much everything imaginable. So your teenage years were weird and rough — who cares. You can go on and have a great life with no limitations concerning age.

But 30? You still feel kinda young, and you were until some vague past point. Probably a recent point, but it’s extremely hard to tell. 30. What can you do with that?

You can do a lot; you can do so, so much, but with certain compromises. You can go play in a band, but you may be the oldest member; you can date different people, but some will see you as old; you can start an entirely new career, and you’ll forever be a decade behind everyone else. These things can work out; many people do it. It’s just harder.

Kids don’t see you as one of them. Meanwhile, 42 year olds still treat you like a minor (probably for a good reason anyway). People your age, well, most of them haven’t threw their 20s away, so it’s a whole different kind of awkward.

And those who have you can’t stand because they’re not even aware of how utterly fucked they are. Or more likely, they won't admit it to themselves.

I get along with people in their mid 20s very well though.

Gef1sox.jpg

Edited by Marchosias
HAD TO ADD MORE SEMICOLONS
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