"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)

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Posted

Please write every day :D

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Posted

You make a good point that we should support GameQuitters better on social media. I try to post on FB posts when they show up in my news feed :3.

Appreciate it! :D

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Posted

Hey Marchosias,

Glad to see you posting again, seems like you've been gone a while :). Your posts crack me up.

You make a good point that we should support GameQuitters better on social media. I try to post on FB posts when they show up in my news feed :3.

Hope the smut author-ship goes well!

EDIT: Also your "secret treehouse club" metaphor is an apt one, now that I think about it.

I'm glad you like them. I definitely hope people like my smut too, for I hope to make a living out of it ... or at least a sort of a substantial income. Thing is, the real money is in novellas and especially novels that include both romance and sex. So it's gonna take a while; I just hope not too long.

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Posted (edited)

This is a pic I made back in ... I think early 2014. It was during one of my most determined attempts to quit WoW, and also soon after I've quit drinking.

As you can see, I was already proficient at design back then.

pKoKLnb.jpg

Edited by Marchosias
WINDOWS XP BEST WINDOWS
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Posted

Wow, such art. So XP.

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Posted

Haha that's awesome.

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Posted (edited)

Eh.

Today, the server I played on finally released Northrend. I know there's no way for me to play it, and even if I were to cave in and play the thing right now ... I'd just go insane in a week or two and delete my character yet again. It'd be a waste of time.

Useless.

I still feel horrible about not being there. I can't think of anything else.

The problem is that with all the things I've been doing, I still haven't received any tangible reward. I'm still broke, I still have barely any friends, I can't even dream about attracting any girls, my family still despises me (they try not to show it, but I can tell). It's all still shit.

But playing again would just make things even worse. So I carry on.

It's not like I even have a choice: I have good three months to get my finances in order, or I'll be soon sitting in an apartment with no electricity, no internet access, and no food. Again. Except this time, there'll be no one to bail me out.

I hope smut starts bringing something at least somewhat substantial in soon. It's taking longer than I thought. I'm told that's normal. I also have another project, but it'll take even longer for that to bring in anything.

I've tried writing articles on iWriter, but it's just hopeless. The problem is that you need to perform a quick research every time you write an article, and not being a native speaker terribly limiting in that case. For example, someone wants 500 words about camping equipment. I have no fucking idea what all the words related to camping are ... sure I know some basic ones, but it just takes so fucking long to look everything up. If I were to do it in my native language, I finish it almost instantly or at least relatively fast.

But no.

The pay for article writing is shit anyway: you're competing with Indians who'd do it for any price. Sure, there's an option to write more specialized stuff, but I can't do that as I've spent the last 8 years of my life playing WoW, getting wasted, and working a dead end office job I despised.

Then I fucking look at people like Justine Tunney, who's one year older than me, but has achieved and experienced so much. She's founded the occupy movement (yes, that one), lived on the streets, survived cancer, works as a developer at fucking Google. Transitioning from male to female isn't even on the list since her entire life is amazing either way. And, Jesus fuck, just look at her blog:

Now if there were any justice in schools, bullies would be dragged out into the street, beaten with a garden hose, and the government would send their parents a bill to clean the blood off the pavement. But that’ll never happen, because most people in our society are bullies. The teachers are bullies. The children are bullies. No matter what they say, they’re never going to stick up for the nerdy kid.

Bullying is something I'll never be able to be rational about. At least not completely. I support the garden hose idea 100%. The part about the teachers is also absolutely true; I don't know about them being bullies, for I'd say it's also possible that they just don't want to bother with extra work. I mean, imagine you're a teacher and you've been working with kids for 20 years. Do you really think you can't instantly tell which kids are bullies and which are living in hell every fucking day? Of course you can. But, hey, why bother. I suppose that does in fact make them bullies.

The fact that segregation is so taboo is particularly telling. It’s almost as if the government is intentionally trying to break down our natural mechanisms for maintaining order, simply to make us more dependent on the state. A society with lots of disorder (e.g. muggles throwing bricks at our charter buses), is a society that requires a big authoritarian government to enforce order with an iron fist. A people without strong communities practicing solidarity, is a people more easily controlled.

There's a couple of directions this statement could be taken. She's talking about nerds, which is basically her way of saying "intelligent people that aren't socially savvy", but it could also be applied in other ways.

Here's the entire article

I don't know how many of you remember, but it was in 2009 when Bitcoin became a thing. Back then, I considered investing a couple of hundred Euros into it, but eventually let myself be persuaded otherwise. Fuck, if I invested into the thing in 2009, I'd be rolling in cash right now. Then again, it's probably for the best -- I know for a fact that I'd just drink'n'game myself to death at that point in my life.

Yaay.

What also pisses me off are fucking people who've never in their lives dealt with depression, anxiety, or addiction, have no real knowledge of such problems, but are now offering advice to (mostly) young people anyway. Their "advice" is always that there's not such thing as mental issues, and that all these problems are just something lazy people make up so they can remain lazy. You need to toughen up, bro, for life sux for everyone. Suck it up. Don't be a pussy. By the way, pls click on my affiliate links for these supplements. Sure some of them can be habit-forming, but I've never been addicted to anything in my life because ADDICTION IS FOR PUSSIES. YEAH

Just like bullies, these people could greatly benefit from the aforementioned garden hose treatment.

Really, the more I understand myself, and the more I get my life in order, more I'm realizing the vast majority of manosphere writers either have below average IQs, or they're mostly in it for the money. The only thing I regret is that those SJWs that attack them are so incompetent that they don't even do their research (plus they stupid too). I could make a juicy list of some major gaps in the armors of those manosphere fucks. I probably will once, but now it's not the time. The last thing I need right now is dealing with their fanboy hivemind.

Fucking idiots.

I have no appreciation or compassion for the common man. I really don't. And I mean that with the greatest possible sincerity; it's not just because of my current state. Everything above may have been a rant, but this statement is not.

One day, I'll look at this thread and grin.

No emo girls in this post. Have this instead.

i0VOeyz.png

Edited by Marchosias
RE-READ THIS POST AND THERE IS AN ELEMENT OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IN DEALING WITH DEPRESSION ETC. OFC THERE IS, BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THE ILLNES ISNT REAL. IT REALLY IS A FOGGY AREA AND PEASANTS LOVE TO SIMPLYFY. FUCK YOU, PEASANTS

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Posted (edited)

Actually, I've just got an amazing business idea. It really was all there. See how I've whined about not being a native speaker? Also note how I've mentioned (in a non-direct way) that most middle aged women in my country aren't great at English. Now, let's say I've just did a bit of research and found out  that there may be a certain market in my country that is completely motherfucking untapped. Apart from a few blogs which offer poorly written and short stories.

If this actually works as well as I think it might, I may soon be posting to Gamequitters from a yacht. During winter. Chillin' with the penguins. Burning money to keep warm. Fuck yeah.

4W7Lwrl.jpg

Edited by Marchosias
DONT WORRY SHE IS 18. I MEAN ALL EMO PICS EVER MADE WERE TAKEN IN 2005. SO SHES DEFINITELY 18+ NOW
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Posted (edited)

Where did you get that "choose your own adventure"-esque picture? If that's a real book, I want to read it! If not it's still awesome. Haha.

I have a few thoughts in response to your long post. I'm going to be a bit critical in this post but I mean it well. You seem like a cool dude and I respect you.

First, you write well enough in English that you could pass for a native speaker. Keep at it. You're a good writer. Keep working on expanding your vocabulary, and I imagine the articles will get easier with time.

Second, your emotions. You seem: frustrated, angry, grappling with a sense of injustice with the world, explicitly lacking compassion for other people, pessimistic. Totally understandable given your current situation. I used to feel many of the same things. And this forum is a good place to vent haha.

I don't know how old you are, but you will eventually have to let go of some of those mindsets if you want your life to get better. I say that without judgment, and I don't mean this in a woo-woo kind of way, but as a very practical matter. This kind of thinking is counter-productive because being frustrated and bitter about life is incredibly draining and doesn't accomplish anything. It's also harmful because it leads to plainly inaccurate beliefs. When you say that writing for iWriter is "hopeless", you don't give yourself permission to try, and you resign yourself to a pessimistic sense of external control. "The world is against me, and there's nothing I can do about it." This just simply isn't the case. All you can do - all that anyone can do in life - is accept the hand that has been dealt to them and do the absolute best they can to improve themselves and their situation in the world, while hopefully doing right by those around them. Sometimes we're dealt a shitty hand - but you have to appreciate what you are given and be grateful for that. The fact that you are posting here, that you have a strong handle on a foreign language, that you are intelligent, that you can write, that you are creative, that you aren't homeless or terminally ill - these are all things to be grateful for that not everyone is able to count on. I don't know anything about iWriter, but it seems to me that you're a good enough writer to succeed at writing if you try. That could take many forms, not just freelance. Many people make livings writing in various ways, what's stopping you? I know it's not an easy field to get into, but you could do other things in the meantime, etc.

You compare yourself to Justine Tunney, but without even making it a fair comparison. The only justification for the comparison you give is your ages being close - but that tells you almost nothing relevant about whether you should be achieving the sorts of things that she has. In most cases, unless you have incredibly similar upbringings, comparisons between people rarely make sense, and we only focus on the most salient, impressive aspects of those people and compare them to the most salient, unimpressive aspects of ourselves. Certain people are either positioned well to do the things they do, or they are very lucky, or they have many important people supporting them in their life. Justine Tunney isn't magically a better or more worthy person than you for accomplishing what she has. That kind of thinking is, frankly, bullshit. You don't know what her demons are like, what the quality of her life has been like compared to yours.

You can apply your thinking about bitcoin to nearly everything in life - hindsight is 20/20, and this is just a fact of life. Focusing on what "could have been", when in reality it wasn't and won't be, will only mire you in negative thinking. You need to accept reality on its own terms.

I would posit that until you learn to have compassion for the "common man", you will will remain stuck in a world of negative thinking. This isn't easy at all. It's something you have to develop. It's a practice for a lifetime. It takes time and struggle and self-examination. Compassion, empathy, are what tie us to other people, what enable meaningful relationships, what makes life worth living. 

You identify many things that are indeed frustrating and unjust and worth fighting against - but if you let them get ahold of you in a serious way like this, they're winning.

Hopefully this doesn't come off like a personal attack - I mean to challenge the thinking you're engaged in, but not you as a person. If you have any responses I'm happy to read them. :)

Also, I can't recommend this website enough, and you may appreciate this chapter of it: http://www.thebookoflife.org/category/self/.

 

Edited by kortheo
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Posted

Hey, I think I know this girl :)

I too come from a mindset of frustration, anger, disillusionment. That's one of the reasons why I can relate so much to your posts and I wouldn't skip them for anything.

One day I reached the tipping point. It was the "fuck it" moment. Fuck this girl that doesn't return my feelings. Fuck this manipulative family. Fuck the wackos and the losers I surrounded myself with. Fuck this dull land of mediocrity. And above all, fuck myself for putting up with all of the above.

I applied to the European Voluntary Service and was accepted. I moved to another country for six months of volunteering, all expenses paid. I had the chance to start from scratch and I did. I met friends and mentors, not to mention my wife.

Many people say "your problems will follow you wherever you go" and that's true. But sometimes where you are and who you spend your time with is the problem. If your house is on fire and you can't put out the flames, get out! Now I'm not saying that's your case, in truth I have no idea, but if it is, try changing your environment. You don't necessarily have to get away, but be assertive with what belongs in your life and what doesn't. Like you are doing with drinking and gaming.

Ultimately, [everything Travis wrote above].

Oh yes, on depression, drinking, etc., I stumbled upon this guy's video and damn, it's powerful. If you watch it let me know what you think.

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Posted (edited)

@kortheo

Hey, thank you for writing such an elaborate reply. I'd almost feel bad if my rant wouldn't have received at least some attention, ha.

The picture is mine, and the "assets" were gathered on Google's image search.

Thank your for a compliment regarding English. But I have to add that an average native speaker is absolutely terrible at his own language ... I remember paying attention to a very intelligent and entertaining UK YouTube gamer who kept using past simple tense even though present perfect would've made a lot more sense multiple times. But ofc I understand that there's formal and informal language, and the difference between the two isn't even that great in English -- in my native tongue, the formal and informal sound almost like two different languages.

I'm 29.

iWriter is actually pretty cool. Instead of making a profile and having to post your resume to clients hoping they'll at least reply, all the jobs are openly posted and available to anyone willing to take them. The only catch is that there are 3 levels of jobs: an entry level, an intermediate level, and "elite" level. After you write 30 articles, you gain a rank, and can then take gigs posted under intermediate or elite -- depending on how well your previous clients have rated you. Of course, higher ranked jobs pay better. It's a great system: when I made a profile on Fiverr, no one even messaged me + I have no one to promote myself to anyway (starting out on Fiverr kinda works like that).

I mostly agree with what you've said. My beef with normal people is largely an emotional issue, which has formed during my highschool years, and has been only further reinforced by working a dead-end office job. Clearly, holding on to negative feelings isn't the best way to approach your life, and it's true that even the most mundane person has all sorts of interesting properties. In fact, the "average person" doesn't really exist since humans are so complex that we all have at least a couple of unique thoughts and experiences. If we were to engineer a truly average person, that would make him exceptional in itself. And so on.

But it's not so much about individuals; it's the mob. The group. Obviously, even a bully has friends, family, and people he loves, but that doesn't mean shit then he's torturing you every day. The fact of the life is that there'll always be people who'll want to hurt you, and if you don't fight back with all you got, they'll run you over. We all know that one nice guy who's always ready to help out, and tends to get exploited by random faggots. (To some degree, we've all been those faggots before as well.)

When it comes to that, hate is just as important as love.

And it's not even all about bullying. It's also about, for example, having a break with your coworkers. All they do is gossip the entire time. That's their life: work, gossip, go home, eat shit food, read gossip websites (hi, Gawker), call mum, sleep. Repeat. Fuck that and fuck them.

I may begin to take a more even-minded approach to the folk when my life gets better. In many ways, I'm just as. After all ... playing video games is the most plebeian thing one can spend time with. Well, right after watching whatever's on TV. Who the fuck even watches TV.

Again, you're right about Justine. I know that. And it still pisses me off. I mean, look: there's just a number of ways one can spend a time frame of 8 years. And when you realize how much you've fucked up, it's impossible to ignore how many other people did so, so much better.

Yeah, the bitcoin and hindsight thing. It's funny because I've told about this to a number of people a lot older than me, and they all just laughed. I think everyone's had such experiences. Money only stops being the most important thing in the world when you don't have to worry about it -- may be one of the reasons why rich people, in general, live longer lives.

Your post includes no personal attacks. Here, let's look at what a personal attack would sound like:

You lazy fuck. You think you're better than everyone else, but all you do is whine, complain, and cry because you're a faggot. I have studied faggotry for years since I find it impressive how people can be such utter faggots, and I'm also in regular contact with some of the world's leading experts in faggotry. I've forwarded your case to them, and they all agree you're retarded faggot specimen. My professional opinion is that you need a good ass kicking. Boo-hoo, now you'll just get caremad and cry even more. You should seriously consider suicide: google "Dignitas". Good luck! I'm really only writing this to help you, so please contact me if you have any questions. It's important that we put self-obsessed faggots like you out of their misery: for both their benefit and society's. Have a great day, and I hope to hear from you soon!

Btw, this is how you should approach things should you ever make a mistake of thinking trolling = continuous personal attacks vs someone you think is weak.

1. Make outrageous insults backed by nothing.

2. Claim expertise on the subject.

3. No matter what the response is: tell him he's mad.

4. Change tone to friendly and assure you're just trying to help.

5. Continue insulting.

6. If someone points out what you're doing, write a very long and verbose response + one short post that claims your innocence. Most people will just read the short post and assume the argument is long and complex, which must mean both sides are partially responsible.

Congratz, you are now an unimaginative retard who's giving legitimate trolls (who regularly employ such arcane tricks as humor, timing, and having an actual personality) a bad rep.

Anyway ...

I'll read a bit into the link you've given me. Few seconds into the page, a window popped up asking me for my e-mail. Terrible practice, please avoid that if you're ever going to have your own page. Everyone hates that. But the content looks good and I like the design. I'll read it on my Kindle <3. E-readers are amazing; you can only read or browse the webz awkwardly on them. No flashy distractions.

UuN4sqv.jpg

 

 

Edited by Marchosias
HOLY CRAP GAMEQUITTERS SHIRTS ARE EXPENSIVE YOU COULD FEED A ZIMBABWEAN VILLAGE WITH THAT I WILL STILL BUY ONE WHEN I CAN THOUGH
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Posted (edited)

@Tom

You know the smiling girl? Aww :3. To be completely fair, I doubt I'd even be able to date an actual teenager at this point in my life. I suppose it could work in theory, but building a satisfying relationship with someone who's in a completely different stage of her life? Eh. But I still find them cute and that's why I'm posting the pics.

(And casual sex sux. It's also psychologically damaging for both sexes, but women seem to be hurt more than men.)

Well, it's good that volunteering has worked out that great for you. I don't think it's exactly the way for me though.

I know bignoknow's work well; I've watched most of his videos. But Cam will ban us all for posting third-party videos on his site :/. I like how he's not using overly cheerful music in his videos. When I'm king, such practice will be outlawed.

Edited by Marchosias

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Posted

I mostly agree with what you've said. My beef with normal people is largely an emotional issue, which has formed during my highschool years, and has been only further reinforced by working a dead-end office job. Clearly, holding on to negative feelings isn't the best way to approach your life, and it's true that even the most mundane person has all sorts of interesting properties. In fact, the "average person" doesn't really exist since humans are so complex that we all have at least a couple of unique thoughts and experiences. If we were to engineer a truly average person, that would make him exceptional in itself. And so on.

But it's not so much about individuals; it's the mob. The group. Obviously, even a bully has friends, family, and people he loves, but that doesn't mean shit then he's torturing you every day. The fact of the life is that there'll always be people who'll want to hurt you, and if you don't fight back with all you got, they'll run you over. We all know that one nice guy who's always ready to help out, and tends to get exploited by random faggots. (To some degree, we've all been those faggots before as well.)

When it comes to that, hate is just as important as love.

And it's not even all about bullying. It's also about, for example, having a break with your coworkers. All they do is gossip the entire time. That's their life: work, gossip, go home, eat shit food, read gossip websites (hi, Gawker), call mum, sleep. Repeat. Fuck that and fuck them.

[...]

Your post includes no personal attacks. Here, let's look at what a personal attack would sound like:

You lazy fuck. You think you're better than everyone else, but all you do is whine, complain, and cry because you're a faggot. I have studied faggotry for years since I find it impressive how people can be such utter faggots, and I'm also in regular contact with some of the world's leading experts in faggotry. I've forwarded your case to them, and they all agree you're retarded faggot specimen. My professional opinion is that you need a good ass kicking. Boo-hoo, now you'll just get caremad and cry even more. You should seriously consider suicide: google "Dignitas". Good luck! I'm really only writing this to help you, so please contact me if you have any questions. It's important that we put self-obsessed faggots like you out of their misery: for both their benefit and society's. Have a great day, and I hope to hear from you soon!

XD, nice personal attack example. Yeah I'm fairly conflict averse I guess, so when I do edge into that territory I'm always afraid I'm going to upset someone when I'm really pretty far away from doing that. So fair enough. "I have studied faggotry for years since I find it impressive how people can be such utter faggots" - this makes me laugh more than it should hahaha.

Interesting point about the "average person", I agree. The idea of someone being exceptional because they're truly average is an amusing paradox.

With regard to your comments on the mob, I can see what you're saying. It's hard to have compassion for someone bullying you, and maybe it's unwise to even try. I haven't been bullied extensively (although I have a bit) but I guess what works for me is to view the root cause of why they're a bully - it's because they're insecure and feel vulnerable or have low self-worth, and putting other people down makes them feel better about themselves. They're people who have can only feel big when they make others feel small. The bullying isn't about you, it's about them. Viewed from that perspective they're rather sad. Of course, you need to defend yourself and assert yourself rather than allow yourself to be walked all over.

Re: coworkers, I see what you're getting at. I think there are some things to explore here though. Like yeah, I see the lifestyle you describe in my coworkers too, and I don't envy it at all, and they seem stuck in it, and gossip is their entertainment even though it's somewhat destructive and immature. And yeah, I want better for myself than that. So I agree with the "Fuck that" portion, but I question the "Fuck them" portion. I guess my question is - while obviously you don't want that lifestyle, why does someone else living it bother you?

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Well, it's good that volunteering has worked out that great for you. I don't think it's exactly the way for me though.

What did the trick wasn't volunteering (I was already doing that) but the radical change of scenery. Getting away from toxic people and situations. Best decision ever. 

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Posted

Well, it's good that volunteering has worked out that great for you. I don't think it's exactly the way for me though.

What did the trick wasn't volunteering (I was already doing that) but the radical change of scenery. Getting away from toxic people and situations. Best decision ever. 

I see what you mean. I've just PM'd you that all I can afford these days is a local bus ride (lol), but I'm not longer in contact with my gamer "friends" apart from 1 person. I've also dropped a number of my loser friends, and some other friends who aren't losers dropped me for my political beliefs. I don't consider myself to be extreme in that regard, but nowadays you're apparently on the "far right" just for thinking opening all borders and near-disarming the police is not a great idea.

I don't really want to get into this out of respect for Cam, and I don't want my topic to turn into another political crapfest. My upcoming blog will actually have some of that, so I'll share it here when it's ready (hopefully next week).

It's funny, for when I was still playing WoW, I only played on private servers for the last few years. I found in interesting since every server had a different community and rules, and ... gameplay, heh. By gameplay I mean the amount of bugs. But these days are gone now.

 

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