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Fagus' journal


Fagus

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I got a low self-worth. I am not fond of myself. I therefore try to devaluate others in my thoughts in order to guard myself. I realized this in conversation with my girlfriend. Yes, we can talk about those things, now that I am no longer occupied with gaming.

I can understand that you have a low self-worth but to be honest: I don't think that there is a reason for that ;)

Since my first day here you have been very kind and welcoming even you were unsure about it all for yourself also I had the privilege to chat privately with you and enjoyed it a lot. You are very kind, thoughtful and forthcoming, otherwise you wouldn't had offered me to chat privately and that helped me a lot. As you stated, everyone has his flaws and that is okay because as long as you can live with them and they don't harm others, why should I even bother about them. At worst they would make you funny or interesting.

So don't worry too much about these things and don't be scared. For example: it seems like you think a lot and you are a lot in the nature so you probably also know a lot about it, I would love to have philosophical talk in the woods, while probably also learning something about it and you seem like the perfect partner for that :D And this is just a thing that an internet stranger knows about you by the facts that you presented to him, I think there is even a lot more interesting and cool things that someone could learn with/from you.

I know it is all a little bit more complicated in real life but it can also be as simple as that: Start to embrace and love yourself and you can love others. And by loving others you give them the greatest gift they can get :) Giving someone your wisdom, time and energy for example by spending time with them, giving them good advices or just giving them the permission to talk with you privately if they need someone to talk with is something that is really underappreciated these days by many persons.

Just the fact that you are here shows that you want to improve yourself (whether it's gaming or other personal flaws) and that combined with your personality is something that I can respect a lot.

This is all just about escapism.

[...]

Though I should be studying all day long cause my crucial exams are in no more than three weeks. Any suggestions?

:o

Take it step-by-step. You don't have to solve your whole life in the next three weeks, not even during the 90-days Detox. I also have some procrastination-flaws at the moment even though I wished I just wouldn't have them and do a perfect detox. But the detox is not something that will change you into the perfect human being after 90 detox, it is more like the key to a door that can open so you can get on the way to the road of being the perfect human being (for yourself). It is more important what we learn on our road during this detox than just simply change our habit for 90 days and then go back to our older selves that we were so unhappy about.

I would recommend to face the enemy in front of you (incoming exams) and after that you can still rethink everything else. Preparing for exams while doing the Detox is already a challenging task in my opinion, so if you are done with them you can still think about the other things while still doing the detox, it's not like these thoughts are going run away anyway :P

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@tirEdOrange Thank you for your kind words and your advice!

@Reno F The 20 minute focus approach seems a possible solution. I tried it the last days and realized how hard I struggle to stay at unpleasant work. I will practice this the next time and try to stay with that unease.

Day 21-22:

I've read a lot of stuff on the board these days and maybe I really overdid it. I want to change, but I can not change everything at once. Even the mindset of change may be enough to start with, as I know that there is no way back.

My mind is so active, a lot of the time I'm standing in my own way. So yesterday I started my first attempt at meditation. Not doing anything seems better than mindless activity.

 

 

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Day 23-25: 

I thought that to quit gaming is the hardest part about this detox. But actually it is harder to make productive use of the released time. 

I still keep at it, but setting up a schedule is difficult for me. I checked google calendar but it is not suited for me. It is complicated to set up and I can't make any further use of it, cause I do not own a smartphone. So I picked up the book calender I got from my work that I rarely use. To visualize free time is a powerful tool. The main obstacle is still my exam in about two weeks. Today I managed to sort the whole learning matter into 5 piles and I started the first pile today.

To improve my English I am reading a book called "A Game of Thrones" I found at my parent's house, probably left there by my older sister. I look up every word I do not understand and write the English and German meaning on an index card. I do the same for my journal. If you notice any serious mistakes, please tell me, that would help me a lot.

A bigger problem is my physical state. I weigh only  68 kg / 150 lbs at the moment at 1,86 m / 6.1 ft.  Any workout does not seem to have an effect on me, maybe because I am using steroids since about 5 years. Hopefully I can get rid of them soon.

I will spend the rest of the day with a light cycling tour, cooking and some board games with my girlfriend. Let's continue with the baby steps.

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I thought that to quit gaming is the hardest part about this detox. But actually it is harder to make productive use of the released time. 

It's a learning process. For a long time you've been doing the opposite - so it's not going to change overnight. but you can improve one day at a time.

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Day 26-28:

I decided to include autogenous training in my life. I want to learn this skill to deal with my anxiety. Having said this, I laid in my bed and started the first exercise. I failed. I didn't manage to fully execute the exercise and even fell asleep. This happend before and last time I gave in quickly.

Fortunately I watched one of Cam's videos before. So I did not expect instant success and instead planned for a long-term commitment. I am determined to start the exercise again tomorrow.

And tomorrow I will fail again, just as the day after tomorrow.

But I can not fail forever if I stick to my commitment. I will improve one day at a time. The easy to be obtained triumph is the least sweet.

 

 

 

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Day 29-30:

I finished the first third of the detox.

Today I brought myself deliberately into a social challenging situation and succeeded. I resisted a temptation and have been rewarded afterwards and I prevented my self from acting impulsiv in an emotional situation. I am proud of myself and earn the first rewards for my perseverance.

Perseverance: Continuing in a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure.

  • French: persévérance     
  • Italian: perseveranza
  • Portuguese: perseverança
  • Spanish: perseverancia
  • Romanian: perseverență
  • German: Beharrlichkeit

The sweet sound of German words....

 

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Day 31:

I want to be accepted and appreciated so I try to avoid mistakes. I only do things I know I can't fail at so I am well received. I never tried to overcome any hardships. Now I see, that thereby I deprived myself of so many possibilites to grow :( 

In order to learn and grow, I have to make mistakes and expose myself to the chance of failure. It's astonishing how many mistakes I have to make yet. That makes me feel excited and frightened at the same time.

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Day 32-34:

I've set up a schedule for today and managed to (almost) stick to it. It is way easier for me to be productive, when I can follow a plan. I made progress with my autogenic training. I no longer fall asleep and I can enter the first level of autohypnosis quite easy. Feels comfortable and seems to be necessary, since my body is quite upset when I start practising, heartbeat, breath and thoughts beeing quite fast. 

I got triggered twice these days. One of my friends asked me, how I get along with my preparation for exams. He already reached max level in the game we played and has gathered some people to play. He wants me to join them. I didn't tell him that I've quit and I don't know yet how to tell him when my exams are over.

The mouse I bought for gaming broke, so I gave it back because there was warranty left. I thought they would repair it or give me another one, but instead I got one of those gift cards you can pay with. So today I went into the store again to by an usb stick with the card. I had to go upstairs and there was a huge advertisment for the game I used to play with named friend, directly on the stairs. There were a lot of copies ready to pick up and the price exactly matched the value on my gift card. This had to be a godly sign. So I picked up a copy looked at it, put it back and left the shop. I didn't buy an usb stick neither. Thank god I'm an atheist.

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That sounds intense.

And eh, it's hard not to wonder when such coincidences happen. I remember when I stopped drinking for the first time in 2014; it was after I got out of hospital (nothing physical, it was basically a rehab with a program) and spent a few weeks just sitting at home.

I then finally decided to go out, and the first thing I walked into when I stepped out of the taxi was a half full bottle of some weird flavored vodka. It just sat there on the bench with no one around. I spent that night and the next half a year completely sober.

I think you should tell all your friends ASAP. Being asked to play like that is really dangerous even if you don't give in right away. It can slowly crumble away your resolve, and then one day everything just collapses.

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Day 32-34:

I got triggered twice these days. One of my friends asked me, how I get along with my preparation for exams. He already reached max level in the game we played and has gathered some people to play. He wants me to join them. I didn't tell him that I've quit and I don't know yet how to tell him when my exams are over.

I woudl tell him the truth. You aren't comfortable gaming, because it became a problem for you. Make sure to tell your reasons not to play and make it a personal decision without judging him. Sharing zhese things can make them painfully real, but it also opens up many possibilites for support.

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I told my friends I quit gaming once, but now I just tell I'm too busy with other things that I don't have any spare time to game. And I make sure this is a true statement all the time.

I mean, where will I find time to build my business, exercise, read books, play the guitar, socialize, etc., if I'm gaming?

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I told my friends I quit gaming once, but now I just tell I'm too busy with other things that I don't have any spare time to game. And I make sure this is a true statement all the time.

I mean, where will I find time to build my business, exercise, read books, play the guitar, socialize, etc., if I'm gaming?

This is exactly my approach.

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