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Question about dating

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Posted

Helle everyone

The last couple of months I noticed that personally for me getting along with girls goes well and I noticed that some of them showed interest (or I just wanted to see this :) ). But I'm struggling with the part from this point onwards. There are a few which I like but I'm finding it difficult to take initiative and take it to the next level. I noticed that I start making excuses (bullshit) about why it wouldn't work so I shouldn't do anything and get past the fear. But I really want to get past this point because it's an important goal to me, so I could use all help :) . I was wondering if any of you had any tips, any thinking processes, books, podcasts, or whatever helped you to get past this point? Any feedback or though process is welcome!

 

 

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Posted

Models by Mark Manson is a great book that will talk about this. Also, you'll want to think about what you're afraid of. Is it rejection? Not feeling good enough? Scared to be vulnerable? 

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I don't consider me an expert on this and i would recommend Markmanson too. He has some great free ressources too(markmanson.net). Personally I think it comes down to just beinghonest and signal girls that you are interested. And with signal i mean say it it you feel like she is beautiful and interesting. Everyone wants to hear that people are interested and if you are ok with respecting her response however it is this isn't even needy. I talked with a few girls about this and read some stuff about this and all concludes to the point that the best thing you can do is take action. You have to make a fool out of yourself for a few times, you will get some rejections wich will hurt but all in all most girls are impressed if you are brave enough to say such things like. Hey I find you interesting and would like to  get to know you better. Will you go grab a coffee with me? Doing is here more important then thinking. Ofcourse you have to be confident enough to be fine with every reaction you get.

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Posted

Helle everyone

The last couple of months I noticed that personally for me getting along with girls goes well and I noticed that some of them showed interest (or I just wanted to see this :) ). But I'm struggling with the part from this point onwards. There are a few which I like but I'm finding it difficult to take initiative and take it to the next level. I noticed that I start making excuses (bullshit) about why it wouldn't work so I shouldn't do anything and get past the fear. But I really want to get past this point because it's an important goal to me, so I could use all help :) . I was wondering if any of you had any tips, any thinking processes, books, podcasts, or whatever helped you to get past this point? Any feedback or though process is welcome!

 

 

The Manual by W.Anton.

Probably the best book I've read.

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Posted

I'm studying this kind of materials for couple of years, so let me give you an advice.

I recommend Doc Love, he has much different attitude than others after spending almost the whole life on interviewing women.

 

@FedererMagic

I think that it's something on your head to tell you that striking up conversation, getting a phone number, making an appointment (date) with girl is something wrong. You should pay attention what exactly it is and then just crush it.

It's a process which requires taking actions, but after doing this you'll feel much better.

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Posted

Hi

Thanks for all the replies everyone :)! Checked out a couple of books already and I'm interested to find out what it will tell.

Difficult question to know what it exactly is for me, I think it's a combination of different factors. I think the fear of rejection is one of them, because I think that my ego wouldn't be able to handle it, so that's why my actions stay in my head, instead into reality. The fear of being vulnerable defenitely, it's something I avoided for a long time and I'm still trying to find ways to do this more. When I'm thinking about asking a girl out, there's a part of me that says that it will hurt when she says no, that she's going to tell it to other people I know, that it would be weird, ... . When I think rational about this, I know that these are wrong thinking patterns and that there's nothing wrong with asking someone out, you can only get a yes or a no :) . But when the time comes to take effective action, the fear takes over and I procrastinate it, till I don't have to do it anymore.

Thx everyone for their contributions, I will continue to work on this because I think it's so important in this life and it's a thing I never want to give up on!

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Posted

I've been with my girl for close to 8 years now so I don't have much experience in picking up many different girls.

All the girlfriends that I picked up before I did the following:

  • Be calm and make them feel comfortable. This means don't over compliment them or under-compliment them. If you over-compliment them you'll creep them out and make you look sleazy and creepy. If you do the opposite and under-compliment them you'll make them feel crap.
  • Don't talk to them in the aim of getting them in the bed or to be your girlfriend. Talk to them as if they were one of your friends and you want to be friends with them. This makes them feel more comfortable around you and girls love friends.
  • Make them laugh. Don't tell lousy pick up lines or one liners but...smile, tell her a funny story of an experience and laugh at anything funny she says. No girl likes a depressed or unfunny guy.
  • Be yourself...as cliché as it sounds this still holds true. If you can't be yourself around them, then how are you expected to go out with them and fake it all the time.

Those are my main pointers. The more comfortable you are the more comfortable they are...you want to know why all the bad boy get the girls? They are CONFIDENT and comfortable with themselves.

3 quarters of my girlfriends were close friends of mine at one point and we spoke for years. So the friend zone myth is a load of crap too. If you're confident and can flirt subtle you can get out of the friend zone. (it's more of a long term game though if your close friends)

All the best, I hope this helps. :) 

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Posted

Thanks for sharing Falky and congrats ;) . I agree with most of the things you wrote, there are to many courses for flirting out there and it basically tells to use all kind of techniques, and things you shouldn't do and so on... I also think it's better to start from yourself and maybe only make some small adjustements. For the case of the "friend zone", I agree that it's everywhere very exagerated but some elements hold true. If you wait to long and don't take action, she will see you more and more as a friend, and it would be pretty difficult to change that (not impossible, know examples of people who managed to do it).

 

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Posted (edited)

@FedererMagic

From your 2 posts above you seem to be on the right path from my point of view.(I didnt have the right mentality when I was starting and it costed me mostly in time and in money).

Please read on however so you avoid making unessecary mistakes that I made,that way  you can focus on making the "right" mistakes through taking action (trial and error) and figuring out your own way.

I'm on this path to improve my sex life and get the girls I want for a while now.The first year I spent on it I followed a particular "philosophy" and learned a few tachniques by some dating & life coach.(Convictions are the greatest enemy of truth)I wish I knew that cause I was conviced that what I was doing was "The best" strategy.How wrong I was :). I spent a year on that philosophy with crappy results to show for.A few months ago I picked up the book I mentioned above.I Read it cover to cover in a couple of days.330 pages or so.It changed the way I look at things entirely.I dont claim that anything in it is "easy" to do but I do believe that the mindset presented is simple and effective.I've picked up other books in my quest to find the best approach and still havent found anything better.(I've half-read half skimed through plenty of dating/relationships books but havent found anything like that one).At the end of the day if you are looking for mediocre results there are other ways to get there(learn a few pick up lines, a few tricks , never push yourself or challenge the way you think etc.) If you want long term awesome results, that book is a must.

This book will help you in 2 ways. 1) You'll know the backbone mentality to be succesfull with women . You can use this mentality and mindset to do whatever you please.Even if you chose to follow other dating advice,or completely ignore any dating advice and find out on your own.

2)You'll be able to tell Bullshit advice right away.That will save you TIME and MONEY.(<---This one I can tell your from personal experience as I have wasted both on inaccurate advice that works occasionaly and didnt really get me anywhere).

P.S.

Another book that helped me personally cause I was rather fucked up(family issues and whatnot) is No More Mr.Nice Guy.

This one is written by a Psychologist so it's completely different approach.I do recommend it to anyone who had a somewhat distant father and overprotective(or domineering) mother.Or generally anyone who was raised to excessively seek approval from women.

If you dont fit in that description I encourage you to skip it completely and laser-focus on what you want  to get it asap.

 

Edited by addict10n
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Posted

Hi addict10n

Thanks for your input, I'm sure it will help me learn quicker and get towards my goals :) . It's good that you put this goal for you and even though it had crappy results, you took some action and that's the most important thing. Defenitely agree that those "techniques" will only give you short-term results, it doesn't magically change you as a person.

Right now I'm working my way through the book Models (that Cam suggested) and it's great, it feels often like this guy is spot-on. I just read the abstract of your book, and it has a lot of similarities with the book Models. After I finish that, I will defenitely start your book! 

It's actually funny that you mention No More Mr. Nice Guy, I read this book a couple of years ago when I though that I fit this description. The result was that I started acting egocentric and distant in my relationship at that time. Afterwards I learned that I actually wasn't really a "Mr Nice Guy" and this book disturbed the balance and made me actuallty go to much extreme. But if someone is having problems with this, I think it's a good book to start fixing this.

Do you have like practical tips that worked for you to start taking action and get out of your head more? F.e. things you say to yourself, actions that make it easier, ..;

Anyway right now I'm feeling that I am really being more myself in life and that some persons will accept this and others will never, but that's fine. I think it's an important progress as this is the fundament towards a lot of goals.

It's great that we can discuss this and learn from each other, so I hope it stays that way in the future, best of luck for all of you :) !!

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Posted (edited)

@FedererMagic

Models is an interesting book indeed and it might be a good place to start.

I can definetelly give you a few practical tips that worked for me to get out of my head and take more action.You'll need the proper knowledge and thought patterns to back you up into taking action in the long term.Changing lifelong beliefs will be your major opponent in this journey.(We truly are our greatest enemy).Anyway enough fluff, here are some practical tips that helped me.

The philosophy behind these tips can help you in any aspect of life , but I'll focus on the benefits with women since that is what are both interested or we wouldnt be here.

 

Practical Tips:

 

1)Read the fucking book :) .  

 

Ideally you would just approach the hottest girls you see anywhere, anytime  you wanted and you'd be able to have amazing experiences with them.But I am not at that point and as far as I can tell neither are you :).So here are some steps you can work on to get there through so called "baby steps".If you feel excited and happy to walk up to a  random girl so hot that makes you nervous and express your sexual itnerest in her and you can do that from day one good for you, dont read any further!

2)Give yourself permission to suck at first.To fail , to embarass yourself and do what needs to be done in order to get what you want.

Don't be afraid to go to bars or nightclubs solo to meet women.You might think it will be wierd or awkward but it's really not.No one will ever care more about you than you care for yourself (especially random people at the venue).Just go in with confidence(even if you feel afraid as fuck to do something like that).You dont neccesarily need confidence at first, you need the appearance of confidence untill you break through your shitty belief system.Appearance of confidence is mostly body language.Stand properly with your head high,look people and women in particular in the eyes without shying away and SMILE slyly.

In fact dont be afraid to dedicate a certain ammount of minutes or hours daily or weekly to chasing women.

3)I'd advise you to avoid drinking alchohol.As it will making aprroaching easier but wont help you in the long term.Any drunk can approach a girl.

Perrier or Alchohol free beer works for me.(If you can go to a bar or nightclub without paying entrance fee or drinks, that's ideal . Go get some water from the barman to stay hydrated and save your money for things you actually enjoy.)

Bars and Nightclubs generally have a lot of women.Find the hottest and go talk to her.

Once you are comfortable (or can tolerate being uncomfortable) with bars and night clubs.

Use momentum to transition to approaches that require more courage and balls.

Again, ideally you wouldnt need momentum to just approach a girl on the street. But I generally find it easier to approach girls on the street after I have hanged out on a bar or nightclub and talked to and flirted with some stunning ladies there first.

The ideal (for me) is to get to the point when I can approach the hottest girls anywhere without excuses.

4)Be direct as fuck think at loud,speak your mind.

The most fun I had with girls is when I say what I think and express my thoughts freely.Whether it be on how breathtaking I think they are.How their tight jeans makes their huge sexy ass look lovely, or even expressing my opinions and thoughts on other random topics in the gist of a conversation.

Expressing yourself, your thoughts ,your beliefs your desires takes confidence and women fucking love it.

 

5)Go for the most uncomfortable situations and the absolutely fucking gorgeous girls from the beginning.

The more you push your comfort zone and the more exposure you have to stressfull situations the faster you'll grow.

The idea behind this is this:  The more hot a girl is the more attracted she'll be to a direct ,confident and charming approach.

6)It's ok to not know what to say or discuss.It's fine just go introduce yourself and talk about anything you feel like.But make sure to flirt and express your intentions.

7)When you are flirting with the girl.Look her in the eyes, especially when you offer a compliment or say something bold.It makes all the fucking difference.(A constant sly smile helps too).

8)Jump of a cliff mentality(obviously metaphorically speaking,DONT jump of a real cliff for fucks shake..). This is super important concept to grasp.

You will absoltely,positively,definetely have to face the "excuses" that will pop into your head when you see a drop-dead gorgeous girl.The excuses will be a million different thoughts that your mind will produce to rationalize why approaching her and expressing your desire is not a good idea.

Our minds are one cunning son of a bitch in some cases.Trust me you will think of a million excuses and million different scenarios"what will people think of me", "..but she is with her friends" , "she is on the phone"," she will be bother"..THEY ARE ALL BULLSHIT EXCUSES MAN.But in the heat in the momment they will all seem to be valid and solid reasons.The solution is to act fast before you build up your mental wall.(Though you should avoid rushing into women, you should act right away especially if you are on the steet and she is walking past you).

9)"I'm gonna do something "crazy"  , sounds like fun, let's do it".That should be always in the back of your mind.Go have fun ,most hot women are lovely.

10)Keep out the bad stuff.Most people are going with the herd and you will experience resistance from some of them.Ignore everybody , including myself and think and act for yourself.But make sure you have the proper spectrum of knowledge first (read the book :D ).

 

There are thousands of people out there offering shitty advice  so be carefull.

Final tips, Read  book.

 

If you  want further tips with anything on this topic , or just want to share your  expreiences and success feel free to shoot me a message.

Cheers,

Chris

 

 

 

 

Edited by addict10n
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Posted

Hi

I had a situation where I would like to get some opinions and discuss this. Recently I asked a girl out to get something to drink. The girl is in the same school as me and for the moment working at the same internship. She replied to this that she already had some plans with a friend of her, but that she would like this a next time.

Well I interpreted this as a polite rejection and the fact that she didn't give an alternative moment, meant to me that she did not really want to meet up.

So my question is: How would you interpret this situation and how would you react?

Any opinions and suggestions are welcome :) 

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Posted

Hi

I had a situation where I would like to get some opinions and discuss this. Recently I asked a girl out to get something to drink. The girl is in the same school as me and for the moment working at the same internship. She replied to this that she already had some plans with a friend of her, but that she would like this a next time.

Well I interpreted this as a polite rejection and the fact that she didn't give an alternative moment, meant to me that she did not really want to meet up.

So my question is: How would you interpret this situation and how would you react?

Any opinions and suggestions are welcome :) 

Don't take things too personally, if she didn't want to see you at all she would just say she was busy and that's it. By adding that she would like to next time that gives you the opportunity to invite her again sometime. What I would do is see her at school/internship, have a good vibe between you again, and then invite her again. 

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Posted

I would interpret that she meant what she said. This is most of the time true and if it isn't the case you will realize it soon enough. Just ask her again another time and if she is busy again go, ask her politely when she has time. If she evades that question you know that she's not interested.

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Posted

Interesting responses, thanks for the feedback! Indeed, she could have just said I'm busy that night, without adding anything. I think it's best to see what the next couple of weeks bring and if I get some good signals, I could ask it again. 

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