A lot of rambling in this one, main points are adressed before my 'notes' so if you read only that far you've got the whole thing.
I went back and read the whole thread. This has gotten way out of hand and so many people got involved, I never thought I would cause an uproar. Been doing serious self reflection lately and I hit a low point. I expressed it, apparently a lot more vocally than I intended. In regards to the whole nofap thing, it was not the one factor that pushed me away from the community at all, I just felt like I was growing distant in general. And here I am to say, and buckle up here, I am not leaving until I complete my 90 days, no matter what. I can't promise regularity but I will try my best.
@Schwing @destoroyah Thank you so much lads. Your kind words and smart advice have helped me and keep helping me to this day. Destoroyah I believe that my previous comments on being your accountability buddy still stand, I don't feel I held up my end of the bargain on that. I shall be a returning visitor to your journal from now on, as if resuming where we were 3 weeks ago. And you Schwing are a very smart guy who will do well in life, I can tell that already. I started out my philosophical exploration with the satanic bible as well. I recommend you look up Nietzsche if you enjoyed that piece.
@rulesguy @Cam Adair As to the admins coming in giving me a helping hand, I really appreciate it all. I think it is good that we can address hostilities and bandwagon mentality in such a safe environment so well, but it seems I actually grew so comfortable I forgot how to take things online with a grain of salt haha. Completely on me, no harassment happened or percieved, but once again, I really appreciate that you all are so keen to help the people within your community. I feel more invested than ever before.
@fil @Pierce And to everyone else who still follows this journal, comes here and offers me feedback, challenges my views, pushes me to be better, I can not thank you enough. That includes you @hycniejsy.
I admire this community for everything it is and everything it represents.
Now here is why I believe I felt like leaving earlier in more detail:
The last 2 and a half weeks were an emotional downhill. Last week I also turned sick and I resumed viewing youtube and facebook and I accepted it because I only watched material that I believed somehow were educational to me. Facebook I just accepted as harmless anyway. Big mistake, numbed me back down the same way excessive gaming would have. I need to cut these from my life as well in order to achieve complete competence regarding my time and dopamine 'control' if you will.
But these 2.5 weeks were not without a toll. As I headed down this path I started questioning myself and my surroundings in a less healthy way. The same way I used to when I was gaming, without the intent to change the negative, and while seeing everything through a hazy gray lense. I felt isolated; I feel isolated, not just from this community but the universe around me.
Not only that but I fell down a spiral of questioning my choice of university degree in a very unhealthy way. This caused me great concern because all of a sudden I felt that I might have wasted another year of my life. I no longer believe that, but I was in a state of panic for easily a week.
It was thanks to this movement and this community that I could ever break out of those feelings, and I am insanely grateful to you all. Because of all of this, now more than ever I need to stay. I need to commit to seeking happiness through self improvement. The very original thing I came here to do.
Here are the notes I mentioned in my last post. I think you all deserve to see this. This is all unedited so there are notes at the end as to what I still wanted to include. Needless to say I never fully finished it.
Jack of All Trades:
The blessing in disguise of being interested in everything
Jack of all trades, master of none; or at least the proverb says so. I have been for the longest time been blessed with an unstoppable fascination with everything and everyone around me, all deeply counterintuitively paired with the attention span and interest span of a goldfish. Let me elaborate.
I was introduced to a computer when I was 3 years old. But in lack of techies to guide me into the intricacies of computing, I was introduced to videogames of my favorite Disney movies. Tarzan mainly, I remember that one very clearly. It was a good game. Unfortunately, I had little to no idea at the time that videogames would gravely slow all future progress and rising interest down. I basically blame the videogames, after all, why would a child go outside and be a beginner at anything when you could, after 3 hours of investment into something, say that you are pretty good at it.
This was my childhood. I’ve been urged to try a variety of things from martial arts to drawing, but nothing caught my attention. I had small flickering flames of passion rising for each thing I tried, but nothing stood a chance against my years of brainwashing to just take the instant gratification from videogames. Developing a new skill held no value to me. Why would it to a child? After all, life is all play, and if you do well in elementary school and bring home A-s you will turn out fine. Right? … Right? A child’s naiveté is impossible to miss with adult eyes. Poor kid. I feel sorry for him in hindsight.
So, let’s fast forward through my teenage years because realistically only very teenager things happened to me, just a lot more passive. Some interesting things and ideas, but those are stories for other days. So! January 8th 2017 I was thinking to myself, I just need one more game of Overwatch. Overwatch is Blizzard’s first attempt at a first person shooter, and it is a smashing success. I was hooked. But hooked no longer describes what I was going through. I didn’t start studying for my exam the next day yet. For the first time, I admitted to having a problem. I quit cold turkey, I am on my 90-day detox as I am writing this. 50 days in, this is the longest I have ever been away from videogames my entire life. As a result, I am suddenly overwhelmed by the flames of passion that seemed underwhelming under the pixel reign. I feel alive again.
But now I need to cope! Not only am I interested in what I find cool now, but all my past interests in music and martial arts peak! All of a sudden I don’t only need to self-sustain and get respectable grades, I now need to work out, read the classics, read philosophy, read the news and form intelligent political opinions, start a podcast with a friend, do martial arts 6 days a week while also addressing that minor scoliosis I got from playing too much of those damn videogames, dance at least 2 days a week, have a social life, learn music theory, maybe sing and learn guitar as well, do creative writing, all while eating well enough and sleeping at least daily 8 hours. Doable? Probably. Doable with the emotional resilience of a 20-year-old who just left his shell a little over a month ago, and has issues maintaining his passions? Not so much.
I find myself browsing social media all the time, because over years of conditioning I learnt to find new things there. I have developed a fear of missing out on social media, while I am busy missing out on my real life. This is what I would call “The Death of a Poet”: being lost within one’s own mind looking for inspiration and missing the sunrise, only to see the sunset once it is too late.
Let’s however, for just a mere moment assume that I succeed in perfecting my schedule and manage to fit all those things in. When do I have fun? Now, I could take a grossly stoic stance in this scenario and find enjoyment in all my activities, a great concept but I’m afraid lacks applicability.
My passions and I are in a strange relationship right now.
The next day
My passions and I are in a strange relationship right now. This is primarily so because my passions seem to be in direct contradiction of what I study. Now with games gone I care for computing even less. I tell myself from time to time that I care, but I no longer know whether that is true; I think I never did.
I fear I'll die from complications
Complications due to things that I've left undone
That all my debts will be left unpaid
Feel like a cripple without a cane
I'm like a jack of all trades
Who's a master of none
-City and color
An alternate phrasing says "Jack of all trades, master of none is oftentimes better than master of one."
Stay gold ponyboy.
I started this journal by introducing the anecdote of the devil on the bridge as proposed by Nietzsche. Going with that anecdote, in my current state I would jump down the bridge. My friends, family, and this very community are the holy trinity in my life that keep me on the bridge until I can walk on it, look the devil in the eye and smile, all on my own. Thank you all.
I don't quit that easily, not anymore. 54 days of no videogames as of today and counting.
With warmest regards, your friendly neighborhood Übermensch in progress