"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."


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About Csaba_Bekesi

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  1. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Just handed in a project. I'm aiming for 70 percent I will probably get around 50-60. I dare say I enjoyed writing it. I was told by a friend that I am doing quite well for someone who "doesn't like to code" which was a reference to a conversation where I told him I don't like it. I think I was just struggling to cope. 
    I'm taking the extra time on the other one. I will lose 10% but will be able to hand in respectable work. 
    I'm 75 days into this detox. I feel that this is one of the best transformative things I've done for myself. Whatever happens after my 90 days regarding gaming I feel I will stay here. I will come here to fight my struggle with controlling my internet habits. I will be here whenever I need help. And I will return the favor to the best of my ability, at least for quite a while. 
    I will get some chores out of the way now. Thanks guys. 15 days to the original goal. Quite exciting. I guess this is a milestone in a way by itself is it not? I think it is. I think every day was and is a milestone. Not just on GQ but in your life. After all, you managed to get out of bed and not die. That is pretty damn good if you ask me. 
    @destoroyah Thanks for the advice man! I'm trying my best to stay on top. I will have a great shot to "reset" when I go back home for 2 weeks. I will be guaranteed good food and good sleep, I will incorporate exercise and coding! I have a coding project in mind, I find myself missing seeing how many hours I commited to something like that little marker on steam. I want to see that I've only done X hours of coding so I am fine with how good I am! I think it is a feedback system that helps a lot. 
    Alright that's all for now. Cheers you all. 
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  2. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Let's talk about procrastination, determination and initial drive. 
    I was gone for a bit. My room is a huge mess. I did not notice it happening once again. But it did. This time however I ended with a high note before my downfall so I was trapped in the illusion of positive progress. 
    I have a presentation today and I have not yet prepared for it. 
    I am exactly where I started when I was quitting games 73 days ago. Maybe worse. I wish to know what happened once again. 
    I found that before my downfall I got on the high of having convinced myself that I intend to stay on this career path and that I am actually interested in Computer Science. Inevitably true things. Well, I hope so, I am too unstable to come to conclusions about myself at 20 years of age. Too too unstable. 
    This sudden joy seemed to have got me to a state of "completion". Congratulations, you made it! You achieved your goal. You want to stay on your course. You convinced yourself, well done. You won life, you are interested in a career path that will grant you safety. Then following this I swiftly gave up on achieving anything. The illusion of an "end" or "conclusion" just beat the spirit out of me. I vaguely looked at material relating to what I do but nothing related to actualy projects I have going on. I have so much to do. But I don't create the time or the joy for myself to do it. I am currently listening to the audiobook the 5 second rule, which can be boiled down to, "once you have an idea, start counting back from 5 and by the time you reach 1 act on it." This way you get your brain into action and you can kill procrastination. However when I find myself starting to count I quickly drop the idea and carry on procrastinating. I do it on purpose. And THAT is unfortunately without a doubt. 
    I need a flow state. Where I am excited about work, as I am excited about improving my life. I know it exists because I experienced it in the past, especially the early weeks of my detox. 
    I think the internet addiction I allowed to seep back into my life is destroying me. Absolutely overtaking my life. Because of this, I will follow my gaming detox of 90 days with an internet detox of 90 days. I will only view youtube in the company of friends (skype included), no random links opened, no facebook, no empty watching of material. I will be able to choose a show or to target material I want to watch, but I have to target, define the time, essentially imitate watching a show. 
    Why do I only do this after my video game detox? Because when I decided that I am staying on my course I also decided that I will not fully kill off games. Games were to me the primary form of appreciating Computer Science as a potential future for myself, and in a way I feel it is essential to maintaining my drive about the subject. But even this I am not sure if it is because I do mean this or because I am just falling apart and I seek escape again. It feels different. It really does. But I am not giving in. I am doing 90 days first. It is the deal I made to myself and to all of you. Nothing I state is set in stone, but 90 days is 90 days. 
    You might be thinking that I am falling apart now. I am. But I think this will help me grow. But only if I actually learn something from this. Control of time and schedule is what I need to do. And no permission to browse aimlessly. That shit kills me. Okay, but if I know this now why do I wait until the end of my detox with this? Quite simple actually. I need to have 'introverted' fun somehow. I am having difficulties reading light novels and picking up watching movies does not feel proactive enough to me. I need some kind of more controlled escape. I chose youtube and facebook over games lately. My real question is, can I quit aimless consumption of material? Can I re-create my mind such that it is a tool for me not the other way around? That is my goal. That is what I seek. I succeeded by quitting games for a long while, can I do this with other forms of media? 
    Sorry for the rambling and kinda relapse scares, not really, or what? Jesus fuck I'm tired. Alright scrap the all nighter, I'll get in six hours it will leave me more efficient after all. 
    Here is a TL;DR for all you busy people: After my 90 day detox of games I will remain on GQ on my 90 day aimless internet purge. No facebook, only limited time messenger, preferably eradicate that too; No youtube unless directly targeted or in company of friends. All free time will be be used well, and all dedicated fun free time will be used for fun. I plan such that that will include games to see how allowing them back into my life influences my behavior. I will keep everyone up to date, if anything gets out of hand I will come back and fully purge everything to the best of my abilities. I will wipe my mind fresh and clean. But I don't think that is quite necessary. 
    Thanks for caring. 
    Kindest regards, 
    P.s. Reading back I'm getting more unsure of what I believe and what I feel and what I know and honestly what is happening.  Do I sound like a quitter? I feel like a quitter already. Or did I just come to a decision? Whatever, sleep and 90 days. I'll see you guys later. 
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  3. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic New Member Intro Post!   

    Welcome 6E! Good luck! 
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  4. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Long time no posts   

    Good Luck Ashley! I'm sure you'll be fine. It does get harder over more tries but I'm sure as you look at your children you see why you do it. Know what needs to be done and do that. You know you can  
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  5. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic I'm Daniel   

    Welcome Daniel! Good luck! 
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  6. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    I've been craving games again, and I realised it is because I don't tackle my work well. If I did I would not want to escape, after all. 
    I push myself like never before. And I'm not talking about literally right now. I am talking over all. 
    I visited my friend in Manchester this weekend and I learnt a lot about myself. I think he learnt a lot about himself too, I just hope I got to help him as well.
    We trained martial arts together. He showed me the flaws with my boxing stance and let me know I always let my guard down, I also misjudge distance. He also showed me my low pain tolerance. Then it came to me. My physical body represents my mind really well. I've been struggling with scoliosis in the past, at one point I went at is and almost cured it, now I'm struggling with mild scoliosis. I have yet to complete fixing it. I am improving signifiantly. Exercise I've been doing helps a lot.  I'm a bit spineless in a way when I really should not be. I also have no solid stance on what I should be doing with my future. I let my guard down when things seem to go well then I get kicked in the face. And that kick hurts a lot more than it should. I also don't see far into my future. 
    So all that said I need to learn how to fight. I will pick up kick boxing for the physical, and I will attempt Mel Robins' 5 second rule for the mental. 
    I need to find my peace through action. The above two in combination with the things I already do and eliminating procrastination and hesitation should turn me into the mental emotional polymath juggernaut I desire to be. 
    There's a lot more, but I'm tired. I shall tell you more later. Day 64. Alive and kicking. 
    Silver Slivers of Sentient Silhouettes dance like Mercurial Memories, Marvelous and Mesmerizing, in this Whole Hollow Hallucination of Vivid Worlds Oriented Orderlessly, Ommiting Omnipotence like of the Old Gods, Unto Us: Living, Lucid, Luciferous Endless Existors.  
    There's my alliteration today. No idea where I wanted to take that. 
    Thanks for reading. 
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  7. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    Oh how I feel your pain.
    This is the conclusion in progress I reached thus far. Get a worthless piece of paper that gets you money. That shall be the piece you use to maintain yourself. And you might not be feeling as such now but this paper will also be part of your own personal human experience. 
    Following this move on to find what other passions you have that you would like to improve, being the natural polymath you are. After one is done dulling their senses with *choice of substance or habit here* the world will seem so fascinating. I feel as you do a lot of the times. It is natural. 
    Once you found your other passions dedicate time to them. If work is too busy make it ten minutes a day. If something brings you down and you feel like escaping, keep it ten minues but do the work first. I got an ebook a few days ago called The 5 Second rule. It is an interesting idea that I will try employing tomorrow, I suggest you try as well. http://lewishowes.com/podcast/e-mel-robbins/ Here is a nice interview (podcast, it is also on soundcloud so you can listen on the go ) with the author and honestly, it summarizes it well enough that you don't even need to buy the book. I did, and I'm happy I did. I'm trying the technique starting tomorrow. One of the interesting things suggested in the book is to define a max limit on work because otherwise Parkinson's Law will ruin you. Work fills up the space and time it is given. I understand this was not an issue for you in the past, but in fear of a potential lethargic breakdown (seeing your emotional state post exam) I suggest you give yourself clear limits on how much you intend to work a day. 
    But back to passions. Once you find these passions you start thinking of how to make money off of it. Not the sellout way, much rather the fun way. Once done with my degree I will try to integrate myself into theater. In my moments of free time I am writing a play. I will find a way to make a living off of what I love the most while having the safety and knowledge of a completely different field. Do you know why journalism attracted me so much? Do you know why ethics and philosophy attract me so much? Because they love the well read. They love the polymaths. Find the place where they seek the experts and DESTROY THEM. Then seek those who look for the polymaths. The multi talents. The thinkers. 
    I know you are in engineering, but have you ever considered applying the knowledge in a fun way? Have you ever thought of designing some funky stage for Broadway?
    "Hey, when performing a good ol' german soap opera we will fling the devil from down under like he was an australian lady gaga from the super bowl" -You in a few years
    At this point I'm just brainstorming, take away whatever you want and leave the rest. As you always should. Let me actually attempt a haiku with all the talk of it lately. This one's for you man; for all of us really. 
    A rising sun stares
    Rain falls cold, apathetic
    I grow like a tree
    This is how far my mental fortitude takes me atm. I hope at least some of this was useful to you. 
    Take care. 
    Rise through Resilience
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  8. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    So, this is pretty damn loaded but I'm willing to delay my sleep by ten minutes for this. 
    First of all, congratulations on your progress. It's looking great! 
    You managed to talk to people you know because the situation presented itself. That is outstanding and is among some of the best first steps you can take. I see however you want to go further than that. Getting to that asap. 
    You realize the mental physical divide between action and inaction. Everyone struggles with that. Push yourself but don't be too hard on yourself. You are still learning. Hell, most people here are still learning. 
    You think you are lonely because you don't have anyone to attach to on an emotional level. I am here to tell you that that one is an easy fix. 
    I lied to you. It is not an easy fix. But definitely a more than approachable task. I need some more context on this one though. Are you part of any clubs or extra curricular activities at your school (do you guys even have those), do you have special interest in something you know some people at your school do as well? I doubt you are the football kinda guy but one of the things you will learn about people really soon is that they love talking about the stuff they know to anyone who even vaguely gets what they mean. What I am saying is, you might be interested in art history, you could look up the basics and get into a great convo. That can lead to nice interaction or even friendship. You follow me so far? Good because this is where the hard part comes in. You need to meet random people who look your age. In school this is fucking difficult. In Uni it's the easiest shit. I randomly chose to talk to someone today as well. Did not turn out amazing but I have no regrets for not having done it. That is a win. 
    At your stage and with your history with social anxiety however, I think you need a plan of action. So I am telling you come up with a basic approach you would do with guys and a basic approach you would do with girls. Try it. See how it works. Experiment, have fun. And this is a tough one to most members of the metal community but you need to learn to smile with a purpose. You need to directly indicate to people that you are excited to meet them. 
    There's a lot more but honestly I'm no master of social interaction so I can't tell you more than what I know and worked with myself. 
    By the time you read this you will have already done the approach 3 people bit. If you did it, congrats, great progress. If not, don't beat yourself up over it and try my approach. Get confident in a topic you can talk about with normies. It works wonders. Politics is my go to. Everyone does politics nowadays, if for nothing else the memes. 
    And last but not least, actually leaving your comfort zone. Ah, the sensation of your heart throbbing in the middle of your throat as if it wanted to leave your body and literally murder you as part of the fight or flight reflex. How INVIGORATING! In the strangest sense, this community consists of the hardest adrenaline junkies. Pushing yourself in ways you never dared before will become a regular part of your life. Trust me on that one. It's hard to start and I would not have been able to do it before uni. But here I am, and here is this whole wonderful inspiring community giving you a head start. You are in a great position man and I hope you understand that. ProTip, consider Sussex U for MechEng. It's really nice down here, the people are really cool and accepting+the rock/metal society here has like 4 members this year and we need more. 
    Once again, a pleasure to see your progress. Best of luck mate. 
    What happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object? A damn good time. 
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  9. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic The Journey Within   

    That's a great idea Pierce! Good luck with it! Meditating first is not easy. I recommend you try to intertwine it with a basic form of the Wim Hof method, it is actually a great method of kickstarting your day. I will join you in that soon, realisitically next week. It's a bit frantic atm. Have fun with it, and stay safe! 
    Progress is not only percieved, but palpable. 
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  10. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    Ah, that drawing brings forth the imagery of old school anal cunt. Gotta love it. 
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  11. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Bear with me. 
    Jesus fucking christ, day 59 and I never wanted to relapse so bad. Okay, that is an exeggaration but the last time I wanted to relapse this bad was around day 7. I think it is highly related on how I associated learning with gaming first, back when. It sort of became a pavlov's dog kinda thing, except I need to game first, then I can move on to study, but studying is not a given. Well, it was as such before. I have fallen behind on my material and had strong doubts about the course I am on. I was thinking of moving on to PPE (Philosophy Politics and Economics) and maybe if I was choosing course now I would choose that. But I can't let this overtake me. The safety offered by this degree will open up the rest of the world to me right after I graduate. I move wherever I want to work, if I save up I can get a new degree, there is so much to this. I need to weather the storm. I need to train myself in this area of computing. It is not currently my strength, but I can turn it into just that. 
    Okay, block of text over. I need to get my studying going. Holy shit. So strange. The one aspect I did not directly target in improvement was my academics. Right after exams I let loose. Well, more like around week 3, week 4. I felt overwhelmed and chose to ignore the material. God I'm such a child when it comes to some things. This wishful thinking and doubt actually pushed me into a minor depressed state (nothing clinical), I felt isolated and distant and lost my path that is clearly set me. It is time I no longer follow my doubt. I am where I need to be, and once I have the strength and inspiration to, I shall carve my own path. But I start with the given path first. 
    Hoooohooohooohoo, shit. Wish me luck. I need to overcome the greatest difficulty I've always had. Sitting on my ass and studying. Sheesh this is, interesting. 
    Aight, bless up. Catch you guys soon. 
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  12. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    Waiting for your next post man! 
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  13. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    I expect nothing less of you. 
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  14. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    A lot of rambling in this one, main points are adressed before my 'notes' so if you read only that far you've got the whole thing. 
    I went back and read the whole thread. This has gotten way out of hand and so many people got involved, I never thought I would cause an uproar. Been doing serious self reflection lately and I hit a low point. I expressed it, apparently a lot more vocally than I intended. In regards to the whole nofap thing, it was not the one factor that pushed me away from the community at all, I just felt like I was growing distant in general. And here I am to say, and buckle up here, I am not leaving until I complete my 90 days, no matter what. I can't promise regularity but I will try my best. 
    @Schwing @destoroyah Thank you so much lads. Your kind words and smart advice have helped me and keep helping me to this day. Destoroyah I believe that my previous comments on being your accountability buddy still stand, I don't feel I held up my end of the bargain on that. I shall be a returning visitor to your journal from now on, as if resuming where we were 3 weeks ago. And you Schwing are a very smart guy who will do well in life, I can tell that already. I started out my philosophical exploration with the satanic bible as well. I recommend you look up Nietzsche if you enjoyed that piece. 
    @rulesguy @Cam Adair  As to the admins coming in giving me a helping hand, I really appreciate it all. I think it is good that we can address hostilities and bandwagon mentality in such a safe environment so well, but it seems I actually grew so comfortable I forgot how to take things online with a grain of salt haha. Completely on me, no harassment happened or percieved, but once again, I really appreciate that you all are so keen to help the people within your community. I feel more invested than ever before. 
    @fil @Pierce And to everyone else who still follows this journal, comes here and offers me feedback, challenges my views, pushes me to be better, I can not thank you enough. That includes you @hycniejsy. 
    I admire this community for everything it is and everything it represents. 
    Now here is why I believe I felt like leaving earlier in more detail: 
    The last 2 and a half weeks were an emotional downhill. Last week I also turned sick and I resumed viewing youtube and facebook and I accepted it because I only watched material that I believed somehow were educational to me. Facebook I just accepted as harmless anyway. Big mistake, numbed me back down the same way excessive gaming would have. I need to cut these from my life as well in order to achieve complete competence regarding my time and dopamine 'control' if you will. 
    But these 2.5 weeks were not without a toll. As I headed down this path I started questioning myself and my surroundings in a less healthy way. The same way I used to when I was gaming, without the intent to change the negative, and while seeing everything through a hazy gray lense. I felt isolated; I feel isolated, not just from this community but the universe around me.
    Not only that but I fell down a spiral of questioning my choice of university degree in a very unhealthy way. This caused me great concern because all of a sudden I felt that I might have wasted another year of my life. I no longer believe that, but I was in a state of panic for easily a week. 
    It was thanks to this movement and this community that I could ever break out of those feelings, and I am insanely grateful to you all. Because of all of this, now more than ever I need to stay. I need to commit to seeking happiness through self improvement. The very original thing I came here to do. 
    Here are the notes I mentioned in my last post. I think you all deserve to see this. This is all unedited so there are notes at the end as to what I still wanted to include. Needless to say I never fully finished it.
    Jack of All Trades:

    The blessing in disguise of being interested in everything

    Jack of all trades, master of none; or at least the proverb says so. I have been for the longest time been blessed with an unstoppable fascination with everything and everyone around me, all deeply counterintuitively paired with the attention span and interest span of a goldfish. Let me elaborate.

    I was introduced to a computer when I was 3 years old. But in lack of techies to guide me into the intricacies of computing, I was introduced to videogames of my favorite Disney movies. Tarzan mainly, I remember that one very clearly. It was a good game. Unfortunately, I had little to no idea at the time that videogames would gravely slow all future progress and rising interest down. I basically blame the videogames, after all, why would a child go outside and be a beginner at anything when you could, after 3 hours of investment into something, say that you are pretty good at it.

    This was my childhood. I’ve been urged to try a variety of things from martial arts to drawing, but nothing caught my attention. I had small flickering flames of passion rising for each thing I tried, but nothing stood a chance against my years of brainwashing to just take the instant gratification from videogames. Developing a new skill held no value to me. Why would it to a child? After all, life is all play, and if you do well in elementary school and bring home A-s you will turn out fine. Right? … Right? A child’s naiveté is impossible to miss with adult eyes. Poor kid. I feel sorry for him in hindsight.

    So, let’s fast forward through my teenage years because realistically only very teenager things happened to me, just a lot more passive. Some interesting things and ideas, but those are stories for other days. So! January 8th 2017 I was thinking to myself, I just need one more game of Overwatch. Overwatch is Blizzard’s first attempt at a first person shooter, and it is a smashing success. I was hooked. But hooked no longer describes what I was going through. I didn’t start studying for my exam the next day yet. For the first time, I admitted to having a problem. I quit cold turkey, I am on my 90-day detox as I am writing this. 50 days in, this is the longest I have ever been away from videogames my entire life. As a result, I am suddenly overwhelmed by the flames of passion that seemed underwhelming under the pixel reign. I feel alive again.

    But now I need to cope! Not only am I interested in what I find cool now, but all my past interests in music and martial arts peak! All of a sudden I don’t only need to self-sustain and get respectable grades, I now need to work out, read the classics, read philosophy, read the news and form intelligent political opinions, start a podcast with a friend, do martial arts 6 days a week while also addressing that minor scoliosis I got from playing too much of those damn videogames, dance at least 2 days a week, have a social life, learn music theory, maybe sing and learn guitar as well, do creative writing, all while eating well enough and sleeping at least daily 8 hours. Doable? Probably. Doable with the emotional resilience of a 20-year-old who just left his shell a little over a month ago, and has issues maintaining his passions? Not so much.

    I find myself browsing social media all the time, because over years of conditioning I learnt to find new things there. I have developed a fear of missing out on social media, while I am busy missing out on my real life. This is what I would call “The Death of a Poet”: being lost within one’s own mind looking for inspiration and missing the sunrise, only to see the sunset once it is too late.

    Let’s however, for just a mere moment assume that I succeed in perfecting my schedule and manage to fit all those things in. When do I have fun? Now, I could take a grossly stoic stance in this scenario and find enjoyment in all my activities, a great concept but I’m afraid lacks applicability.

    My passions and I are in a strange relationship right now.
    The next day

    My passions and I are in a strange relationship right now. This is primarily so because my passions seem to be in direct contradiction of what I study. Now with games gone I care for computing even less. I tell myself from time to time that I care, but I no longer know whether that is true; I think I never did.  

    I fear I'll die from complications
    Complications due to things that I've left undone
    That all my debts will be left unpaid
    Feel like a cripple without a cane
    I'm like a jack of all trades
    Who's a master of none

    -City and color

    An alternate phrasing says "Jack of all trades, master of none is oftentimes better than master of one."


    Stay gold ponyboy.
    Notes over
    I started this journal by introducing the anecdote of the devil on the bridge as proposed by Nietzsche. Going with that anecdote, in my current state I would jump down the bridge. My friends, family, and this very community are the holy trinity in my life that keep me on the bridge until I can walk on it, look the devil in the eye and smile, all on my own. Thank you all. 
    I don't quit that easily, not anymore. 54 days of no videogames as of today and counting. 
    With warmest regards, your friendly neighborhood Übermensch in progress

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  15. Csaba_Bekesi added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Good stuff lads <3 
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