So, to all those whom it may concern, I am back. On day 91 I resumed gaming. I have been gaming for the last few days now. And here are my perspectives on the 90 days and my experience of the return.
The 90 days were very helpful. I gained new friends, I found my passion for martial arts, I found time to go places and visit a friend more regularly in person, I found it easier to interact with people on a whim with no necessary preparation, I found it such that I could trust people easier in the beginning, I prefer seeing friends over games easily now (used to be something I actually had to consider) I found that my humor improved slightly.
What I did not get from it My time management other than a few exceptional days of control (circa 20% of my 90 days) did not improve much. My discipline did not develop much, I dare say at all, after all discipline is a habit. Habit formation is still immensely difficult. I found other ways to waste time under the cover of "this will benefit me"
What I learnt This is the most crucial things that I learnt over my 90 days through listening to self help audiobooks and exploring self help and motivation areas. Happiness is relative to a metric for happiness aka you choose what standards you need to meet to be happy (The subtle art of not giving a fuck) Laziness, procrastination and all such are habits, not ingrained traits; when you get an idea that causes you to hesitate you instantly need to act on it otherwise your brain is wired to kill it off (The 5 second rule)
Goals from the beginning: I almost read/listened to the 3 books (I am satisfied) I demonstrated loyalty to Integrated Martial Arts and to my friends and the act of socializing with the newly learnt perspectives. For a long while I maintained a cold shower habit. I am vaguely more comfortable cooking now. I avoid dairy in lieu of my dairy sensitivity. I failed time management, schedule and sleep cycle hacking. (I suspect I am strongest in the morning given a strong start to a morning)
And what I learnt from coming back to games I desperately fear and avoid stress, and I escape no matter what I let myself escape with. During my 90 days I escaped with things that I deemed will be 'useful' to me some day and so I fell into the illusion of progress while essentially changing nothing in my habits.
The dawn of a New Era of Übermensch So what now? First of all I want to thank you all for helping me this far. The support was immense and I can only hope I could give back a fraction of the help I recieved from you all back into the community. To go with the metaphor motif of my journal, I am now able to look the devil in the eye. After all this time of complication and me trying to hide the simplest truth I can finally accept it. I simply can't handle stress. It is that simple. As demonstrated in past entries I like to see patterns and signs/indicators where there are none. I threw all that out the window. I can't handle stress. And when I finish one tast I open an opportunity for more stress therefore I just want to escape it. This is what I learnt by coming back to games. My most bare bones root of problems. I think this is amazing. Definitely a worthwhile breakthrough. Once again I raise the question. What now? I need to strike at the points I failed to address over my 90 days while maintaining my other skills. Discipline and time management in order to dissolve the sensation of stress. I want to change my order of life such that stress does not 'originate' from tasks, much rather from time slots. The way a teenager merely needs to obey and walk from class to task, I want to walk from task to task, almost separate from the actual action of doing. By taking my timeschedule into my own hands I, in a way, remove the stress of action from myself. After all, I just follow orders. This should lower stress levels I experience. I need to maintain a habit of meditation. I need to get in the habit of using the 5 second rule before things I would do anyway in order to build the habit of improved decision making. I need to maintain exercise and healthy food. Need to lower my alcohol intake (although I dare say for my age group I do quite fine) I shall craft a plan tomorrow morning. I'm a bit tired now. So what will happen to games? I'm sorry to let some of you down, they stay. I want to regulate them greatly, but they stay. Let me explain, the same way depressed people are comforted by the option of suicide, I want to be comforted by the option of games. Now, this is an insulting comparison and I apologize to any offended (I don't often apologize for offending someone but I make an exception) but I want it to know that when a daily dose of stress is dealt with, at the end of the tunnel there is momentary escape. This is not only comforting, it can even function as a method to secure the rest of the day in place, knowing I will be driven to get the rest of my day done. The goal is obviously that I don't need to do this. That I no longer need the escape. The sign of an Übermensch is that he does not even consider jumping off the bridge. I need to reach the point where games and escape separate, and whether or not I will be interested in playing after that is the real question. Because if I do, it will be of genuine interest and fascination, and given my field I dare say it could even be justified, and if I lose interest then it will be for the better as well.
Thank you everyone. I'm up for discussion as always, I just ask you not to come crashing down on me. This is not a relapse, I did complete my 90 days and it was a conscious decision for me to go back. Now I also understand why, and I understand my own inner workings better. So, to carry on in style,
A fire burnt the woods I feel the devastation Fresh seeds will grow great.
Hey man. Based on your earlier monologue I would say, just like a very large amount of people you struggle with insecurity problems. You are also quite rigid about your view on people and life. Now, you easily have a decade more experience than I do, but I've seen the difference culturally where I come from and where I live now. Where I come from I experienced a significantly larger number of people simply excited to meet a new person. I described this over my 90 dasy as "expanding my human experience" by interacting with others. Sometimes you even feel that 'I will take away nothing from you, nor will you from me' but you mutually understand this and have a good time regardless. Not everyone will strictly benefit you. Most people will indeed be annoying cunts. The question is which one you focus on (says my naive ass you have no reason to believe me do what you want). Try never to be the smartest person in the room. You seem to have the right idea. Prove your superiority by becoming better than other people. Sure. Go for it. But accept that there is always someone greater than you and someone always below you, so be humble to learn and be humble to elevate. I'm afraid to tell you I am not going to back out of this one. You want to be the best at things right? Why take the time to disappear to master something when you can start learning straight up from the person you want to match and surpass? A lot more efficient. When it comes to women, I assure you there is a large pool of women with traditional values, or given that you listen to my last advice, with a lot to teach as a person (or whatever). It is just tough as shit finding them I guess.
You are starting again, so if you want to take away from my monologue to you, take this. Winning friends is manipulation. It is art, and the human psyche is your canvas. It is beautiful. Is making someone happy not manipulation in some way? I don't manipulate my friends to get me a drink on occasion, but it happens because I make them have a good time and they trust me. Sometimes you need not to be cynical. When it comes meeting people, you must not start cynical.
Then again I'm just some dude typing away at a computer instead of breaking world records so who am I to speak lol.
Sorry if this was very rambley, I wrote it quite late.
My English teacher told me something I frowned upon back in high school, then I grew to understand it . I don't know if it is his quote or not, but it goes something like this. "The world to those who feel is a tragedy, a comedy to those who think." There is a reason I signed off with 'Life is Ludicrous' time and time again. I feel your pain of isolation.
I keep going back to a book I listened to. The art of how not to give a fuck. It's a good read/listen. Truly. It has an interesting discussion of the metrics of happiness. It uses Dave Mustaine as an example because he went through life wanting to be bigger than metallica and that is the one thing he failed at. Therefore he was sad deeply all his life. Meanwhile the Metallica guys are leading a top life because their metric for happiness was success with their music. One of the things you need to do is consciously redefine your metric for happiness. You don't notice the flowers when you stop thinking. You will notice those flowers when it is part of your happiness to see them. You will quit your overthinking once your metric does not involve the maintenance of the "thinker" as part of your identity. You and I both have that now. And we both need to work on it.
Your darkness comes from within. Try doing some gardening if you have a chance. Both literal and metaphorical. Look up Japanese gardens. Using space as a reflection of philosophy. I think you would appreciate that.
Life is, you guessed it, Ludicrous, Darkness dissolves and Light Lingers,
It sounds about high time you explore buddhist philosophy. Drop the sharlatan crap of course but the philosophy of it would be very worth exploring for you. You already fucking reek of it You are the type who would really benefit from spending a month with Shaolin Monks. Go boxing, a community of warriors holds a higher chance of holding someone more humbled than your average circle. I know it scares you but after you are out of the work rough patch it seems like this would be a great time to take a step in that direction. Best of luck! Don't let them break your nose and wear your teeth guard.
1 more week and my 90 days are done. I will make sure to reflect on everything on the day. Today is day 84. For now let me just talk about routine. I suck at routine. I'm so bad at it. And it is because I overindulge in internet usage. Internet usage is not quantifiable because you just follow a string. I am excited to return for my 90 days of internet regulatory detox after I'm done with my NoGaming detox. What a fun journey this has been haha.
I honestly don't know what to say. I need to stay on top of my things to do. I'm closer to catching up than ever before. I better get as much value out of this as possible. Soon is Easter break. I can go home, see family and friends again. I can't wait.
I am really happy I caught up with your latest "story arc" if you will. You are doing absolutely fantastic. I have been quite on and off myself, in all honesty I'm getting there, I feel the growth but something still does not align. And that something is my commitment. But more about that in my journal (#ShamelessSelfAdvertiser). Let's start with your breakdown and choice to waste time. It is fine. I understand you need to take charge of your life but imagine if you held a tangerine in your hand. A magical tangerine that gains more fractions each time you make a new friend or experience. Someone just took one out. You already created the space for it in your palm and it is gone. This is lowkey the stupidest metaphor I came up with in a really long time but it works. You panicked, but you didn't fall apart. You let loose for a day but then were quick to rise to your feet again. Outstanding execution. You are not a machine. None of us are. We are all human. Human, all too human. Reading your next paragraph actually made me feel at home for a bit. Your mere words deliver the sensation of the lesson you took away from this. You see the world openly once again. I actually expanded my friend circle so rapidly this season I need to take a step back and build relationships with the people I already know haha. DnD can be amazing with good friends, I'm really happy you went. Make sure you debrief us on your character! Your choice to stop counting days also seems very much reasonable. However if you ever catch yourself falling behind on the habit feel free to reintroduce the counter. It is what I will do in the close future too!
I also lost a friend a while ago for a solid 2 year period btw. He entered a relationship that was horribly manipulative from both ends and ended up taking all his time. But for the last few months we've been talking again, needless to say because they broke up. I don't know what happened with you and your friend but it might turn out fine. But some people will not come back and that will be okay too. The real question is, will this matter in five years? Will this matter in 100? Does this matter now? And the answer is, almost without a doubt, "No". Swiftly, Silently Stride for Serenity. -Csaba
The most agreeable statement I have heard in regards to self development. And a lovely image I will refer to myself and to friends In the future. Hope all is well with everyone. I'm currently on day 81, quite excited about what is coming. I need to get this assignment done today so I can write my first draft for a paper tomorrow. Getting back on exercise once my foot heals from this little wound I got on it last training. Hopefully that will be soon. I am going to a concert this Sunday and hopefully next Wednesday. Life is pretty agreeable lately. I need to stay focused to maintain it so.
Clarity through Commitment. Change without Conclusion. -Csaba