Yesterday wasn't as productive as it could've been. I went home early because I was done having people around me. Had another fight with hubby in the evening, I dunno what's in the air this week, but it's wearing me out to fight with him this much. It's pretty pointless too. He keeps complaining I should exercise more, but he never gives me credit for all the other stuff I accomplish in the meanwhile. Yes I failed to exercise again, it's just not something I am naturally interested in at all. It takes a lot of effort to keep doing it and I rather do something else with my evenings, like the social things I have picked up. I am pretty done with him expressing disappointment in me, I need support. At the same time, I really need to work on staying cool when he's not as supportive as I would like him to be, because I was super inpatient and got really mad. I need to stay cool to prevent the situation from escalating, my reactions at times are putting oil on a fire that's already hot. I rather prevent the situation as a whole, but it's not conceivable this will never happen again.
This morning I felt utterly unmotivated and I noticed I was in a destructive mood. Again(!) dreamt about gaming, only a different game this time. It was a Sims NSFW version, interesting things my brain fabricates. I tried to stay in bed for as long as possible, as staying in bed was a better option then the things my mind was thinking about doing. I haven't done anything productive till this point, but I also prevented myself from relapsing. I want to game so bad, but in essence I just want to hide. I felt strong urges to watch a gaming stream, but prevented myself. I got to the twitch page though, walking a fine line here. Instead I watched the 'what to do when you're about to relapse' vid of Cam. Lifesaver <3 It's pathetic that I still need that, but it worked. I did act on my destructive urges by eating way too much till the point of nauseousness, but that will pass. I feel like I've shattered this morning, but I can also see the pieces. This is interesting, because normally I would not have been able to see things this clear yet. Perhaps experience in reflection is paying off.
I am going to try and force myself to go outside in the sun. The weather is beautiful today. I shouldn’t care about being productive right now, I need to keep it together first.
Weekly goals: -Fully animate 1 minute 30 (~500/~1080 photos) Still a succes! -Speak with both tutors (1/2) Failed to speak with the 2d. -Finish a 3d sketch of treehouse (1/1) Succes. -Give 100% to counselling -preparation (1/1) Nailed it. -counselling (1/1) Job well done. -Continue being kind and patience with myself. Went pretty good I think. -Update in Beyond. Slacking, let's do it today!
I'm so productive this week. This is amazing. I am amazing. I also am too tired to take care of household things I'd normally do, I'll have to adjust my planning accordingly if I want to stay this productive for my study. I am out of socks now, clean ones anyway, but my study progressing at great pace. I've added this morning to work in the animation studio, to make some precomp material and clean up. After that I can edit and see the fruits of my labour. I've sadly haven't progressed on my treehouse sketches yet, so I can't discuss them with my tutor today. And I am also not sure if I have the material I worked on this week ready to show, so perhaps I can better reschedule meeting him till next week. We'll see. I am starting to feel a tiny wee bit overwhelmed, I haven't been away from home this much for a long while and I have less ways to relax/get calm/take care of myself this way. Something to be aware of today.
Yesterday evening I gave in to some instant gratification in the form of YT vids. I didn't finish a single one of em and quit after a half hour. I could've better done something else. Also dreamt about gaming again this night, but it's starting to get more... I dunno. It feels like it's more about bright colours and the surroundings of the game then the actual game and gameplay it self. I shouldn't dwell too long on it or I'll get nostalg…. Too late! Oh well.
Yesterday was challenging. I failed my way through photographing, I had some technical issues that I had trouble fixing. I am glad I have (taken) the time to fail. It was frustrating, but necessary and I am proud I didn't give up. I also gave counseling my 100% and I felt really great afterwards. When the evening arrived, the day became more challenging. Hubby decided to not inform me about the developments in his job. Instead, he chose to tell that he might lose his job this week while we were with a group of people. Geez. I am disappointed that he didn't trust me with this beforehand, but perhaps he also felt ashamed. When we arrived home after that, I was super tired and didn't have any energy left to talk with him. I wanted to sleep, but I didn't fall asleep until ~01:00 due to a headache and hubby staying up late browsing etc. We quarreled a bit about it, and I felt horrible. I have enough self-knowledge to know I can't function with a headache and 5 hours sleep, so I slept in this morning and took a long hot shower to feel a bit better. Good decisions. I am a bit annoyed with my brain, because I dreamt about gaming again. I guess it's the stress and also lack of instant gratification which makes the urges stronger. I will adapt. After the shower I proceeded with my day as I normally would, only with everything two hours later then normal. I fixed my technical problem this morning, the solution was really simple but I didn't think of it. I will never reach my goal of 1 minute 30 due to all the delay, but I have learned a lot of practical stuff and still have a lot of images to work and proceed with.
I had a terrible nights sleep, woke up to my phone seemingly dead (it looks like it's working again, but I'm suspicious) and hubby was whining about lack of underwear (just fucking grab it of the fucking line yourself) and then when I already looked pretty stressed he asked me when I am going to pick up cycling to the academy again. I was not planning on that, and he's pushed me so often to go exercise more, it's only annoys me. I asked him if he rather had cold food in the evening while I left for swimming and the answer was yes. Fine then. But I know already he will not eat when I do not put it on a plate for him. (pathetic, really) I should be able to let that go, let him go hungry, but I am the one having to deal with the whining that follows up on that and I actually like and take pride in caring for him. Hah, my tone of voice (type?) is even grumpier then I thought it would be. Lack of gratification setting in. Detox is working. I also was a bit upset with hubby because I heard him fapping yesterday evening. This made me feel sad, we had a lot of sex last weekend and I really want to be able to suffice for him. I don't mind him masturbating when I have been 'unavailable'/uninterested for a while, but clearly it doesn’t matter how hard I try to connect with him on this area, it's never enough.
And now I really need to shake all of these feelings off and focus on my work at hand at the academy today. *takes deep breath*
Today was productive. I could've done more, but I felt exhausted near the end of the day and wanted to take a breather at home before making dinner. Besides that, the work went fine. I also had a nice talk with my tutor. I think I handled myself well in explaining my project and came across modestly confident. He seemed optimistic and also gave some suggestions. I have to take some time to think about it. Even though my overall mood today was positive, I seemed to get grumpy quite easily. I hurt myself while working, it appears to be a minor thing but it's annoying and not easily ignored. I don't want to get distracted by little things like that, but I totally was. I also discovered that the academy scheduled a meeting for tomorrow at 15.00, but I have to leave for counseling at that time and I scheduled thàt appointment 3 weeks ago. I really hate it when they just schedule something for us without asking and not giving heads up in time. I hope one of the other students can swap times.
This morning I had some short but strong game cravings. I feel like I have more game cravings then I had the last times around, but maybe I am just more aware of it. I failed to resist my food cravings today. And right now I am totally craving some cheap and braindead content. Instead, I am going to relax for a bit and then commence with my household duties.
Weekly goals: -Fully animate 1 minute 30 (120/~1080 photos) -Speak with both tutors (1/2) -Give 100% to counselling -preparation (0/1) -counselling (0/1) -Continue being kind and patience with myself. (Not sure how to measure that) -Update in Beyond
Things I have done yesterday and today instead of watching useless, cheap content: -read -chilled with the cat -chilled, talked, cuddled and watched series together with hubby -cooked and took time to prepare fried eggs for lunch -cleaned -went to church and stayed afterwards to socialize -sat around bored but relaxed, not sleeping, just sitting -prayed/sang/danced -went for a walk
This is me quitting gaming all over again, haha. I sure have a lot of time on my hands now and I am enjoying it. Big difference this time around is that I am so much more patient with and aware of myself and that I have a lot of habits actually supporting progress. Also, I went from happy peak, to little less happy, to happy peak again. Boom. No need to go totally down after a total up. Prove right here. This weeks feels important to me. I can get so much shit done.
I am starting to re-embrace my identity as a Christian. It feels like solid ground under my feet, and makes me feel very loved and strong. This Tuesday I have counseling again, and I am so looking forward to it. I feel like my life is being swept clean again and I have this loving family that think alike me and can back me up. It's just amazing. I feel blessed.
Weekly goals: -Fully animate 1 minute 30 in the animation room I reserved on Monday - Wednesday (That's 1000 pictures folks, woo). This is important to complete because I can then: receive feedback from tutors on the images, pick up contact again with the student that offered to make the sound, improve the current product, arrange a acting student to do the voice-over. Basically, any progress will rely on this. I want to do this. I need to do this. I want to move on. I feel motivated to move on. I do not want to slack off. It doesn't need to be perfect this time around, it's a learning progress. If I do well, I can use big parts of what I make in the final product. If I fail in that, I have learned what I need to do to actually make pictures good enough to use in the final product. Whatever happens, it's a win. I already consider it a win. -Finish one 3d sketch of the treehouse. Remember it's a sketch. No need for perfection, things can still be changed. This will open up discussion with tutors and fellow students about the design. -Speak with both tutors about my current progress of my graduation project. I need to prepare the conversations and make sure I get the most out of it. -Give 100% to counseling on Tuesday. The last and first counseling session was super stimulating and this time round time is a bit shorter, so I need to be focused and prepared. -Continue being kind and patience with myself. (Not sure how to measure that) -Update in Beyond about contact with tutors(Monday and prolly Thursday) and challenges if they arise.
It's midday and I've basically done everything I normally would do on a Saturday. And I took my sweet time about it, even walked somewhere instead of cycling. That means I normally spend about half of the day doing useless stuff. It's a Saturday, so I am relaxed about things, but this ratio doesn't seem to be balanced. But I am not sure what I want to do right now. I can think of plenty (useful) things, but I don't feel bothered to start any of them. On the other hand, if I just sit here, I'll get bored enough in a while that I'll go and do something, anything. I guess. I am wondering how I should go about it. It's not bad to be bored. Even though there are some feelings of guilt involved, there's plenty to do. 'ARE YOU GRADUATED YET?' Sigh. Some boredom is ok. But if I am just going to sit around doing nothing, it's just another, less entertaining form of procrastination.
@Shine Magical I didn't even think of the outdoors in this aspect yet. I don't have an internet subscription on my phone, I guess that helps. I am not sure if I count music as easy entertainment, perhaps it is, but it is so useful to put myself in a good mood that I do not want to cut it out of my life. I had an interesting experience as far as connecting with strangers goes a couple of weeks ago, when the Beyond challenge was to compliment a stranger. Still haven't done that, but I said hi to some people and had two or three random conversations with people. I didn't find it worthwhile for the effort it takes me to be open and friendly towards strangers, but I now know I can do it. And I can perhaps use it in situations where strangers are a little bit less strange, like in places where I already have something in common with people. What kind of things do you plan to do in these situations?
@Senescence For me it would be prayer, but I really like the idea of seeing 'empty' spaces in my schedule as an opportunity for mindfulness instead of viewing them as boring and useless.
Of course, I got bored out of my mind. I took a break this morning, and realized most of my breaks are filled with useless videos. Now I got the 'this site is blocked' pop up every now and then while browsing. When I got too bored browsing through facebook, and was up to date with the GQ forum and Beyond group, I started working on my study. I continued working on it, even though I was extremely bored. I didn't have anything better to do anyway. I am preparing myself to feel more of this boredom the coming days. I am hoping it will not be weeks. Right now I've reached a point where I am both bored and out of focus and it starting to make me feel stressed. Now I am aware of that, I can take proper action on it. I will go outside to get some fresh air, perhaps I manage to study some more after that.
I can highly recommend sharing your journal with the GF. My hubby reads mine and it leads to a lot of understanding. I don't think he'll ever grasp how I keep going back to games, but he sees my struggle (it's real) and we can connect about it.
@Cam Adair The link doesn't work right, but I believe I saw the vid you're referring to. I think Simon looks and talks like a knows-it-all, so I always have a tough time taking him serious. But, to the point, I guess instant gratification really is a theme for this generation, and certainly for my life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Interestingly enough, I had even more trouble getting out of bed this morning then yesterday. I made a ton of sleeping hours this week, but I feel tired non the less. I have been procrastinating on my study tasks today, I guess going back to bed is just one of the ways to avoid it. Trying to figure out what seems so unappealing. I actually had a good plan to make some sketches come alive (FINALLY!), so that should make me excited. Except it doesn't. I've been wondering, rather then only cutting games, if I also cut out easy entertainment out of my life, perhaps I can get used to being not super entertained all of the time. And less entertaining things can become more appealing again. Of course, there'll always be unfun/tedious/shitty tasks and things at life. But right now things that should motivate and inspire me, don't do that to a satisfying extent or to the extent I know they can. I can instantly watch a yt vid when bored or uninspired but firstly, it doesn't make me any less bored or any more inspired and secondly it gives a signal that I don't have to sit and be with myself and that being any less then instantly and brain-dead entertained is a bad thing. I don't think it is a bad thing at all and if I want to live to be 80, I better get used to me. There, blocked some brain-dead entertainment sites I like right now. Immediately wondering how long it will take to get used to a life without instant entertainment, but it will be worth it if I can enjoy other things more. BRING ON THE CRAVINGS! *warrior shouts* Thinking some more, instant gratification is not only a thing for entertainment for me, it is -of course- also the same with food. My food habits have spiraled out of control again to the point I am almost back at square one. But I cannot simply stop eating to reset my brain. Or stop eating sugar all together to reset that part of the brain. I cannot even stop buying mainly-sugar-products because hubby likes them and I do the groceries. I guess the first step is the same as last time, provide healthy options for myself. Back on that. Wait... Now I'll have both game, entertainment and food cravings at the same time. I am not sure how that's going to work for me.