PhilLabranche

Hey guys... I kinda fucked up. Relapse. Since December 30th. A LOT of overwhelming emotions, bad choices and alcohol. I'm not legally allowed to drink, but I just wasn't thinking. I wasn't playing so much, maybe like 1h30 a day at first, but it became more and more, especially lately. Reason I relapsed: Opportunity, lack of confidence, overwhelming emotions (such as anger, sadness, terror) During the Christmas vacation, things weren't so good between me and my girlfriend. I played when I was at my cousin's house. First big mistake. I then installed a game on my iPhone. You know what happens next. I'm fucking done. I keep relapsing, I keep losing faith, I keep making the same mistakes every time. Sigh. Here we go again. I still have my gym membership, my guitar, my piano, my books and my girlfriend. Even tho things are going very bad between us, I still want to make it work. I am very immature emotionnally and I act like a child in a relationship. My sleep schedule is fucked up too. School starts January 23rd. I failed some classes too. Fuck. So, back on day 0.

Day 43 and 44 Okay days. Thursday, I went shopping for a christmas gift and I went to the gym. I also went to the library and took some books about body language and non-verbal communication. I think it's very interresting. Yesterday, I didn't do much. I mostly stayed in bed or watched tv. I was really sore, especially my arms. I went to see my girlfriend and we watched Sense 8 on Netflix. I then went home to sleep. Today, I plan on playing piano, reading or something until 4 pm, when I will go at my mom's house for a little Christmas party. Goals: Go to the gym at least once per 2 days (unless my schedule doesn't allow it, especially during the holidays), read a book and continue to learn songs on the piano. Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 39, 40, 41, 42 I am alive. I am also almost at half my detox! Getting to 45 days will be a great Christmas gift for myself! Okay, so sunday I studied and played a lot of piano, which was good. I also went to the gym. Ordinary day. Monday, I had my final exam. It was meh, but I kinda expected to fail this class. I missed about 10 classes total. I dug a pretty deep hole, threw myself in it and I could not get out. At least for that specific class. I also went to see my girlfriend. Thuesday, I woke up, ate and went to the gym. I didn't do much other than that besides playing piano and watching tv. I went to see my girlfriend in the evening and we watched Pirates of the Carrabean (The third one). We went to sleep after the movie. Today, I woke up and stayed with my girlfriend for a while, then went home. At home, I played piano for a solid three hours (not consecutively) and watched tv too. I ate and went to gym again a little because I surprisingly had a lot of energy and I wasn't that sore. I worked more on my legs and on my cardio today though. The rest of my evening will be relax. Goals: Go to the gym at least once per 2 days, finish to learn 2 songs on the piano during the holidays, talk to my family as much as possible! Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 37 and 38 Okay days. Exams , piano and gym sums it pretty much up. Yesterday, I had an exam, then I came back home. I studied a little, watched videos and talked to some people about exams. I went to sleep not too long after. Today, I went to my exam in the morning and waited for my other small exam in the afternoon. It went pretty well I think. I went to the gym for the second time and it was fine! I went to see Star Wars Rogue One tonight and had a great time. I am now going to sleep. I have shit to do tomorrow. Lotta things. Goal: go to the gym once per 2 days, do my chores and finish the semester alive! Have a great day/Goodnight/Goodevening! -Phil

Day 32, 33, 34, 35 and 36. Holy moly I haven't posted in so long. Thank you for supporting me guys Saturday: Okay, so pretty average day. Worked a little for school and learned that my mom got a new cat already. I was surprised, so I went at her house and asked her why she did that and she said she needed company. You see, I don't live with her anymore and my brother is only there 1 week on 2, so she is alone in the house for an entire week. I understood and she said that she misses my cat, but she believes that a new one will bring love and help us move on. I guess so. Sunday: Watched a LOT of videos. Felt pretty bad. Went to see my girlfriend and it cheered me up a little. Monday: Had class at 10. Had a good time. Went home, worked on acting, but I thought A LOT about gaming. I actually thought about relapsing. I wanted to play pretty badly. I was like "just a little 10 minutes". I know it won't just last 10 mins, but I wanted to play! I went on youtube to try to brush it off and guess what? The savior Cam posted a video about relapsing just a little earlier that day. It really helped me get back on track and motivated me. I didn't play. Savior Cam. Later, my dad came with me and I got a gym membership! (I did not workout that day though) Watched the hockey game after that. Thursday: Woke up, went to school to practice, spent the entire day working on acting and I had FUN. I really enjoyed and had fun while practicing and after the little "show", while we were cleaning, I made people laugh by being silly, I was talking a lot and being friendly. I went to my gf's house and slept there because I didn't have school today. Today: I woke up, went home to take a shower and change, then I went to see my gf's mini-movie (I play a douchebag in it, so it was pretty funny to see, because that was like the complete opposite of my personality). There was not only my gf's mini-movie, there were 16 others that I watched. After that, I went home and watched some videos, for about 30 minutes, then I practiced piano. I used to play piano a lot and I had been playing for about 5-6 years before I stopped. Like reading, it was replaced by video games. I am currently trying to learn "River flows in you", by Yiruma. I really like this song. Also, I started reading "The Time Machine", by H. G. Wells. I always liked sci-fi things. I also went to the gym! I did a basic routine I think, working on biceps, triceps, quadriceps, shoulders, abs and a little cardio. I did a little of each and now I am pretty tired. I have an exam tomorrow. Goals: Go to the gym 3 times a week, read instead of watching videos (unless it's Cam's). Survive the exams. Sorry for the long post!!! Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 29, 30 and 31 First of all, thank you guys for all the support! So, haven't posted since tuesday and well, shit happenned! I had a good day tuesday, but obviously I got kicked in the nuts right after that day! Hurray for luck! I had 3 exams wednesday. Pretty sure I messed up one of them. The others were okay. My day was doing fine, besides my morning because of my exam. After school, my dad texted me and asked if I wanted to go to the movies. I said yes and when we got there, I received a message from my mom that said that my cat died. I mean, it's never something you want to hear, even if you know it will happen someday. My cat was getting old and I was not seeing him as often as I was before, because I live with my dad and my cat lived with my mom. I was sad, but it happens. He was my friend growing up. After the movie, I went to see my gf and I had to act like everything was okay, because I didn't want to break her good mood and she didn't want that either (she knew that my cat died). Thursday, I had one exam. It was fine. I went to see my gf after that and I think she doesn't enjoy what I do or say like she used to when we started dating. I mean I think it's normal at some point, but I feel bad. It is going downhill since I lied to her. She is very stressed out because of school, work and us, plus she lacks sleep, so I hope it's going to be better once she rests during the Holidays. Today, I didn't have school. I received some grades and they were bad. 52/100 and 50/100. The worst part is that I studied and I thought I was ready. I was really mad. Kinda raged and punched stuff. I was alone, so at least nobody saw me. Tonight, I went to see a play. It was fun, I really enjoyed it. Made me think of something else. I was really fucking close to relapsing this afternoon. I received my notes and my gf was hadn't texted me since like 10 am, so I was mad and wanted to just go back to playing, to forget everything. To escape. I didn't. Why? Because not gaming is the only thing in my control. My cat died, but it was not in my control. My girlfriend is stressed out, tired and not enjoying me as much? I can't do much more. I fucked up my exams even if I studied? I will work more and more, but the result was out of my control after all that study time. GAMING? I FUCKING CAN CONTROL MYSELF. I KNOW IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING THAT HAPPENNED IN THE PAST, IT WILL JUST MAKE ME REGRET. Only regrets of gaming. It's like when you see a frozen pole and you want to stick your tongue to it. You know what will happen. You fucking know it. "Just lemme try once, I wanna feel what it's like." Weird example, but whatever. Also, sorry for the long post, but it's three days in one post. My goals: Nothing changed. My dad is supposed to go to the gym TOMORROW. Hope he won't cancel like last week. More exams coming up. Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Nice move by going talk to him! Yes you can socialize! I was very shy until I turned 15 years old and now I want to become an actor. I'd say that talking to someone you don't know is the best way to improve, because it's basically the only way you can make friends. They were all strangers at some point. Keep on! -Phil

Day 28 What a wonderful day! No thoughts of video games, except that one weird dream where I relapsed (I actually felt like I relapsed tho). Great social interractions. Good productivity. I woke up, fed Terminator, ate breakfast, made my bed and left for school. Tuesday class is my favorite. I was messing around, but I would always do it at appropriate times, not during practices. Someone who hadn't talked to me in a long time (since I started isolating myself) noticed that I was messing around and just came happily towards me and I felt good! I unleashed my typical "savage insults" and we had a good laugh. After that, I went home and immediatly started working on a project. I still have a lot of things to do for the end of the semester, but it's going better and better. I feel more focused and I'm slowly but surely becoming more motivated (maybe because the end is near, hehe). I can't believe it's already been a month without plauing video games. Time is flying by so fast. Goals: Make it to the end of the semester, read a book, gym membership. Have a wonderful day/Goodnight/Good evening !!! -Phil

Day 26 and 27 Thank you guys for helping me! I'm so glad that you are there to help Well, time is what I need the most right now! I've actually been doing my things! I'm feeling okay about school. Also, I've begun to feel more and more emotions lately. Looks like it's starting to go well! I still have a lot to improve, of course, but it's going better! There is 12 days left and school is over for a month. I've been eating a lot of fruits for the past days and I find more energy. Sure, these days are pretty packed, but I'm really starting to feel the difference. I am almost 1/3 through! Goals: Study, work on projects, school related stuff. After my semester, I want to read a book. I want to read "Salem", by Stephen King. However, if you have anything to suggest, I want to know! Thank you in advance! Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 24 and 25: Well fuck, it's getting pretty hard. I haven't played, but I have strongly been thinking about it today. End of semester is near and I have more and more assingments. Not used to this kind of pressure. I would always study like the day before in panic, or not study at all. Now, I really need to catchup, but still not fucking motivation. I have tried multiple things, such as going out a little (walking), I went ice skating for a while to clear my thoughts, I read a book a little, I read motivational articles or posts and I tried to focus on work. Couldn't get started. Oh well. Yesterday, I had a good day, I spent some time with my gf after school and that's pretty much it honestly. Today, I woke up, tried to motivate myself, did the things stated above and still nothing. Before I stopped playing video games, everytime I was stressed, I would just play video games to avoid the uneasy feeling for some time. Now, I just can't seem to face it. Hell, I prefered playing with my socks instead of starting to study. Gives you an idea. I need to keep trying and trying. I really think I can do it, but it's ovbiously not easy. 12 years of video games to avoid studying and escape problems can't go away in such a short amount of time. I believe in myself. I can fucking do it. Thank you to all of you who keep supporting me. I CAN STILL DO IT Goals: Well, studying is number 1 priority. Go get a gym membership with my dad. Have a great day/Goonight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 23: Alright, so I went to my local gym and I was told I need an adult to get a gym membership (I am only 17). Great! My dad will come soon, but he has a tight schedule these days, so it will probably be sometime sunday, hopefully. My day was fine otherwise. I woke up, went to school, came home around 5 and finished my essay. Later in the evening, I went to see my gf a little and came back home. I then went to sleep because it was kinda late. Some thoughts about video games. Also, I have a fish. It's name is Terminator. Just want to slip that in there for no apparent reason. Goals: Study and do my research for next wednesday, finish my project for monday, study, study, study. Finish my story (not priority right now), chores, clean my room (my room is actually quite fine, there are just some things out of place). Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 21 and 22 Those two days were not the best. Laziness hit me like a truck. It was impossible to get anything done, I would just get discouraged easily. Yesterday, I went to my classes and when I got home, I just sat in front of my computer and started my essay, but after 15 minutes, I didn't want to do it anymore, I was like "fuck this", so I procrastinated. Then I went to my gf's house and didn't get anything done there. Today, I spent a lot of time on my cellphone, about 3 hours. I was browsing Reddit and internet, completely mindlessly. I thought to myself: "fuck, Phil, you are starting to fucking around too much." (I swear a lot these days, no idea if that has anything to do with laziness) So yeah, those 2 last days were not the best, I didn't really progress in my studies, I got lazy and spent too much time mindlessly browsing the internet. I watched Cam's video about that (again), but this time I took actual notes instead of just agreeing and telling myself that I can do it. Positive things in all that: My gf is starting to trust me a little more, I make my bed each and every morning now and my hair is super extra soft (just a random thing that I fucking love). Goals: I still haven't done anything for the gym, but I asked my gf's brother if he wanted to come with me sometimes and he said yes, so we will be able to help each other out (he's a little younger than me, but he's skinny too). My story didn't progress since last time. My essay is 1/5 done. First semester is almost over. Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 20 (lvl 20 on 90) I checked the subreddit and it really does seem great. All the details and help with be awesome. Thank you for telling me about it! Today was okay, I guess. I woke up, ate and went to school. My day was fairly normal and I came back home at about 7pm. I ate and I decided to watch Star Wars. I mean, Tomorrow and wednesday I have 8 hours total of break, during which I will work on a philosophy essay, read a book for my french class (french is my first language) and I will probably work on my text for acting class. There's not much more to say about my day honestly. I did not work out, mainly because I already had a class that was demanding physically. Goals: Work on my philosophy essay, get a month membership at my local gym, continue my story. Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 19 (lvl 19 on 90) Oh well, today was not what I was expecting. I woke up, did some Headspace and ate my breakfast. I played some guitar, but I watched quite a lot of animes. I continued to develop my story ideas, I now have a complete description of my characters and I am starting to build up the story body. I did not go to the gym today. The thing is, I do want to work out, but I don't really have money to buy a membership, I looked it up today. Also, I don't really know where to start. I mean, I am tall and skinny and I can barely do more than 10 pushups. I studied a little for my test tomorrow, I think I will do great. I canceled my plans to go ice skating because my gf wanted to see me, she got off work sooner. My friend was okay with it, because he was also about to cancel it. My evening was nice, I spent some time with my gf and her family. Tomorrow will be a busy day. When I get home from school, I will need to clean a little the basement and work on a new project I am supposed to receive tomorrow. Goals: Get money to buy a 1 month gym membership, continue my story. Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil

Day 18 (lvl 18 on 90) Today was okay. I woke up late, ate and did my chores. I watched a lot of videos tho. I did however wrote my ideas and developped my characters for my horror story. At about 7 pm, I invited 2 friends over to watch the hockey game and it was great. We laughed a lot and had a great time. Now I am heading home and I will go to sleep. Tomorrow, I will have a lot of free time. I am thinking about buying a gym membership. I will buy only one month of membership. Also, I will go ice skating with my friend. Goals: Go to the gym 1h when I can, continue my story, study for my monday test. Have a great day/Goodnight/Good evening! -Phil