A post I made on nofap in response to a friend! I thought it might be of value to people here. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! An argument! It's been too long! I am not laughing at you! Nor your argument! Just this tingly feeling I get inside me when someone challenges my views. I apologise in advance if I argue over some trivial thing that your didn't intend as argument. I'm in the zone now! Hardboiled24 said: ↑Friends. Friend is a label! The definition of friend is subjective to the individual. People go throughout their life with all sorts of different levels of friend. Say, I consider you my friend. Perhaps you feel the same since I speculate I am at least a small amount of use to you. But, friend, when you go to school how do you behave? When someone says- "hey man can I see your history coursework?"; "hi. how was your holiday?" ; "hey! you're that kid that screamed his balls of in the school corridor! that was fucking mental! what was the crack with that?". Do you say: "judging by my current perception of you; you are of no use to me. you are dismissed". When I said "hey nice muscles mate!" a few days ago how did you feel? These people. These actions of connection. They all do something for us. They quell the fundamental social emotion that lurks in the depths of our souls: loneliness. Friendship entails this. You see the world through your soul no matter how hard you try. You feel your experiences. You feel your drive to live and breath and laugh and cry. You do not think. The mind is a tool. You are not a robot. Friend is a label! A label for the source of positive emotional strength that we all strive for in this world! I have many friends. I do favours for people if I feel like it. That is the only way to be content with others. I feel lonely because I don't have what I lust for most: a woman. A companion. Or just a living breathing human being to relate to. Emotions take value first for me. Not objects. Hardboiled24 said: ↑Hahahaha! This is what hit me the most. I am sure there is something I can take away from this. Thank you. Forgive me if what I say comes across as esoteric bullshit. I speak in abstractions. I believe the soul is a template to be built upon. And that it has a set essence (genetics)- a core. A core that is enriched in every outcome of circumstance you enter guided by it; trusting it. A core with other aspects of your soul encircling it in orbit. They may be displaced and give way to other aspects. They may stay true. They are subject to the throes of chaos in circumstance. I believe every single circumstances' being takes root in the outcome of previous circumstances; the fate of every object is interwoven to form the system of chaos. Free will. Yes. You have free will most certainly. I could decide I wanted to be an investment banker right now! Right here! That would be an action of my mind. But do I want that. Does my soul want that? No. Do I know exactly what I want? Can my mind fathom the depths of my soul? No. Listen to what energies transpire from your gut (core) and you will embrace destiny. I take full responsibility for my actions because my soul's core is a fundamental part of me. I enrich my soul's core by listening to my soul's whispers and therefore aligning the temporary orbital aspects with it's essence. This is done by engaging in relevant circumstance through trusting your gut. Fate is an idea. Fate is my idea; and also yours. Be attached to no definition. Hardboiled24 said: ↑Truth! It is good you are wary of such things. Stay true to yourself and (it may be hard- i understand) but feel free to delve into what christianity has to offer. Don't be attached- that is what your parents do wrong. Religion is not synonymous with spirituality. Religion is the packaging, labeling and centralising of spirituality. I see god as a concept. The unfathomable. The essence of our human limitation; the stability of immortality; the constant.
Do not feel I aim to belittle you in any way. I have immense respect for you.
I wondered if you had noticed! I thought I might as well be open about it. Truth! I draw inspiration from everything. Comics, books, articles and most of all people. To build something I hope for deep down inside. Something deep within me yet to be unearthed which resonates with the image that is destoroyah. Thank you for sticking around. I believe what image you project is essential to my development.
Something's got to give Day 163 - Solitude I have decided to take a new approach to journaling. Each post is here because I feel like it. Not because I am about to go to bed five minutes later. I will try and vent more into my posts. Through my experience I hope others can find value; I want to bare my soul so that the emotion and thoughts intertwined with each other can reach others! Energy this morning was drained. Found solace in my manga, metal, coffee and biscuits! Cheers to the black dahlia murder for their heartfelt melody! I drained all my psychological energy I had accumulated over the holidays yesterday. Almost bunked off cold shower this morning. I have to keep going. I find talking to people helps. I'm good at talking to people I know. But I don't want to. I don't like to cling to others. It makes me feel weak. That's the problem with being stronger than before. It goes to your head. Your ego speaks a different tongue. Sometimes you forget not to listen to its babbling. Looks like we have a new couple at school! I'll admit she was one of these girls that I am checking out all the time. I do that a lot. I see a girl. "Oh she's cute..." Then I fantasise about being with them. It's my way of coping with the loneliness. No one to hug, kiss cuddle. I lust intensely for this intimacy. The thing is I don't care- I'm not jealous. Not them. Only other couples at school. The guy she's with- total fucktard! None of the guys like him. I personally have nothing against him- not my type of person is all. It made me think: I could do it. I could find someone. It made me happy. Seeing that they were happy. But then I thought this: everyone has different dimensions to themselves. He was weak that he could not earn the approval of his male peers. But he was strong that he was able to approach girls and satisfy them. Perhaps for me it's sort of the other way round. Perhaps my dimensions dictate that women will not cross my path often as of now at least. These dimensions; this form; this soul; this destiny. It is our definition. Judge no one by their image. For you only need to turn them on their side and you are able to see another plane. A jagged stone without beauty nor hideousness. Constantly whittled in the sea of time. I have noticed something about my behaviour as of late in particular. I have been mimicking @destoroyah instinctively. I believe this is because of a tribal genetic trait. I respect him immensely therefore I naturally mimic him to try and earn his approval as the gene says "he's the alpha! copy him!". I don't do it on purpose. It just happens naturally. I wonder if people do this with me? Perhaps. We discussed the philosophy of physics in class today. I had a bunch of deep shit I could have said but I held my tongue. I wonder what people think of me outside of here? Probably just some kid. Some dumb edgy kid. Or I wonder- do they see something? Do they look into my eyes and see something and wonder: "what is he thinking? what is he doing?" What do I mean to others? Fired off an email to gym guy. This should be an experience. I would be turning people's preconceived images of myself on their heads walking into that gym. It will be a lesson for me to learn. It's spring and I am still wearing a black woolly trenchcoat! Edgy as fuck! I'll leave it at home. Too hot. Adieu, mon amis!
Woah! Today was awesome! I was like a beast at school. I couldn't have given a fuck! Worked out at 6 am and took a cold shower. Ate some porridge and went to school while my stepdad blasted black sabbath in the car! Sick!
At school I could talk to anyone. No social anxiety. Nothing. Just chill. Void. Seems like I have truly embodied a lot of my life principles. I'm going to a martial arts trial day on june 5th. Looks like the best gym ever! I'll ask the fitness guy at school about barbells tomorrow. Dumbfuck metalhead weeb nerd in the weights room at school. Woah that should turn some heads!
Super productive too. Bashed out a maths paper in the lesson. Got a bit of computing done/ physics when I got back home.
Although I feel great I am still lonely whenever I am at school. It's fine when I'm back home. I get to talk to my internet friends (hah gay!). But at school I don't fit in anywhere. Too cool to be a nerd; too nerdy to be cool. Everyone is very clingy to their own social groupings. I don't care. I want to talk to everyone. But everyone doesn't want to talk to me so it makes me feel awkward. But I must always remember: "Fuck you! I am me! I have definition and you can't change that!"
I was ruminating on destiny the other day. Destiny is real. I feel it. In this world we as human beings are defined not by conceptions of our minds but in the reality of our soul. Our soul is who we are- our definition. Your soul is an aggregation of psychological traits which determine your destinations. As are your circumstances. Our soul, predefined by genetics, is also shaped by our circumstances in its never ending evolution.
Compare it to stick floating down a river. If I threw one big fat stick in the river; where it ended up would be dependent on the flow of the river at that time (time and space- circumstance). However if I threw a little stick in right at the same instance it wouldn't end up in the same place because it has different form (soul). By enriching the form; by embodying the soul you become the true master of your fate. But to master your fate is to not necessarily control it with your mind. The mind can only seek to enrich the soul and allow it to lead the way. That is destiny.
Teenage girly journal entry over! You are dismissed! 'til next time!
The demon within. It lies at the roots of the tree that sprouts the fruits of takezo's destiny!
Yup! that's what I mean by meaningful. You didn't just sit there and drool out the window did you? Trust your gut! Don't study your dick of just because they told ya! You got it! Fuck the system! You're right about this body mind thing. I've been having serious problems with daydreaming lately. I haven't been meditating properly lately either. Been too much on the yang side of things lately. Gotta get me some of that sweet sweet yin!
Drop! Ouuuut of life! With booooooonng iiiiiinnnn haaaaaand! Tomorrow I have to go to school. Fuck. Holidays are OVER! But these three weeks were eventful to me on a personal level. I can't boast any standardised achievements. I don't agree with that shit. Achievement is subjective to the achiever. Who gives a shit about grade 6 piano? Who cares about black belt karate? Fuck the system! Realised I had to do 2 maths papers for tomorrow! SHIT! Got them done but I have no time to work out tonight...that means...WORKOUT AT 6am SHARP! Gnaaarly duude!
I'll have to ask the school gym teacher guy to sort me out with some barbells. Gonna keep my hair short! My hair is so thick it looks like shit at anything in between super short and full on flowing luscious metalhead locks of death! As I do not want to look like a jew at Auschwitz I am going to stay away from the buzzcuts. Anyways, I'm going to take a cold shower and read a bit. See you on the other side!
Dope shit! Today I woke up and felt like SHIT! Last night i didn't sleep well at all. Cooked some fancy pasta stuff for lunch and read some vagabond! very nice. I hope takezo gets with otsu. I'm rooting for you my boi! Damn another day dreamy day. Tried studying. Failed. I tried pretty damn hard though! I held my shit together well today. I have made a principle: every day has karma. One tiny action or inaction will snowball and have consequences. So I took my cold shower and did my rowing even though I didn't feel like it. Feel better now. Been thinking of doing a gap year before uni and going to volunteer for the american himalayan foundation. Would be a great experience for me. To be with my own people (half that is hehe. the joys of being mixed race...) and to learn of my lost heritage. And make a difference too. Grow and become strong. Strength! That is the prime virtue of a man. Also been thinking some more (suprise suprise...) about my destiny. Ever since I was a kid I've had this intrinsic trait that I can't attribute to anything with assurance. I have always wanted more. Always sought for something away from the rest of the flock. I've always done retarded shit and not cared. Like I didn't feel a sense of belonging in going through the motions. It's hard to describe. Just this energy. Who knows. Perhaps just my ego making shit up. But it's there for sure. Like I have been wired to do something in this world that others can't. A key to a gateway. I can say that I believe in god now. God is the essence of the universe. The inexplicable nature of existence. The fundamental law of chaos intertwining every individual atom with one another to create the ebb and flow of time. The one truth that lies beyond our human perception of truth; beyond abstractions of science; beyond workings of philosophy; beyond the mythos of religion. It does not exist but it is still something. Like how the number 1 has quantity. And the number 0 has no quantity. Zero has nothing but would you say zero does not exist? Being could be the absence of nothingness. Anyway. Now all that shit's out of the way. I'd like to wish you all a happy monday! Good night!
Don't worry takezo! You will find your purpose eventually! The universe shall unfold!
Damn I couldn't sleep for shit last night! Sucked. I was lying there daydreaming for 6 hours! Crazy! At about 4 am I said "Fuck this!" and looked at archived suicide notes on my phone. No idea why. Very touching. So I eventually hit the bunk a short time after 5 am. And now I'm awake and it's 12:14 pm and I feel like I haven't slept at all! FUCK! I wasn't even wearing the underwear that was tight on my bollocks!
You try get over you gonna go under! Woah! 2 weeks nofap- no wanking no porn. Easy! Looked at some boobs today! Felt different. "Yea that's a pair of tits. Nice pair; don't care." Happy that my view of women has shifted. I wasn't happy being a degenerate bitch. Getting closer to what I really want: an actual relationship! No 2D slags! I was at the forest stream today. Sat on a rock in the sun. Thought about sharing this place with future girlfriends. That would be nice. Thought about carrying them over the stream. Lying on the verge with them. Haha! Looks like I'm the helpless romantic type after all. I'm glad of it though. Better than fucking porn. Better than that disgusting shit I gave myself to. I just want to cuddle man! I just want to have a good fuck! I just want to talk! Went for another barefoot run! Nice! Was in a day dreamy mood today didn't get much studying done. When I'm in this mood I just say "fuck studying" because I know I won't get anywhere. Thought about some kid at school. He's one of these friends I have. Relics from my gaming days. They don't have much personality- they just meme away and try to mask their void. To find security in memes. They don't need a sense of humour. They just need to spew memes- everyone loves memes! I think he is suicidal and depressed. I will say something to him one day in person. I'll try and corner him so he doesn't fall back on his memes. Then i'll let him do his thing. Whatever he does is whatever he does. I think he needs something in his life. A nudge. Something to reach into his shell and prod him. Drew some shit today. Just pencils now but I'm practising my settings.
An assassin in wait for his quarry- gamma sector 2b has a deadly criminal underground!
You're going strong! Never stray from the path! Workout 6 days a week? That's pretty hardcore! Make sure you don't work the same muscle groups on consecutive days though. That is counter-productive. This walk- you will learn something that day. It will hold value for sure. With men and women there isn't such a thing as the friendzone. Once you connect- you connect alright! Chemistry knows no boundaries. You can look at attractive women on the street, next door, on a computer screen whatever- even if you're a married man. You can resist your urges to connect for sure though. Nothing wrong with that. The thing is she probably feels this chemistry too! Or she doesn't feel shit and she just wants to parade you around like a little poodle. I don't think it's the latter. If she asked you to go on a walk with her that sounds nice. Like a genuine thing- not like shopping for useless crap for the sake of her own vanity. Otherwise, I'm not going to give you any advice. It's up to you to learn from your experiences! All I ask is that you do it and think about it and let me know here! Good luck. And happy birthday because I will probably forget to tell you next week!