Day 12 so this morning I had my first really strong urge to play games since i quit 12 days ago. What triggered it was pretty stupid too. All that happened is was chatting with people on my phone and a app updated and i thought "i'd really like to download galaxy of heros agian."
i think that it's also because i'm kinda not feeling that great this morning because there's things i know i should be doing that i'm putting off, So naturally i want to hide from that feeling by playing games.
i guess that means i should go do some shit. TTYL guys
Day 11 More good news! So we stayed over at my sister's house, and during that time, there was some drama with my online friends. Now old me would have gotten all upset and possibly even let it ruin the visit for me. But I handled it so well! I told myself "I've done all I can for now" and I muted the chat and just focused in having a good time with my family. Super proud of that
day 10 Damn! I missed a day! Sorry guys I was super excited to play D&D with friends I forgot haha. Anyway today's going to be another short one. I'd like to write more but I'm in the car on the way to my sister's with my parents and it's difficult writing a lot without a keyboard. Been doing good. Made a lot of online friends recently. There's one in particular who I've really clicked with. She is going through some similar things and it's been great talking to her. Anyway I'll try and keep you all posted as much as I can with just my thumbs haha
day 8 Just making a short post for now because I'm hanging out with my dad today. However I wanted to write a goal on here to help keep me honest since that seems to work with writing in this journal every day. I'm trying exercise and lose weight but I keep over eating at the end of the day! So my goal is to use the app MyFitnessPal to keep track of how much in eating so I don't over do it. But I have to be consistent in entering what I eat! I can do this!
sorry about the delay on posting guys. I usually do this in the morning, but i've had a lot on my mind. Not only not only am i doing push-ups and pull-ups ever hour or so to prep myself for p90x (next week? depends on what my therapist says. he knows a lot about exercise. he used to be buff as hell but he got in a accident that damaged his spine. he still does some yoga but of course he can't do stuff on the same level anymore) i've also been busy with a pretty active online social life and a semi active real life one. That discord chat i wrote about yesterday turned out to be the best discovery ever! It's so nice being able to hope on and talk about whatever. it's a great resource to find support and good friends (much like this community )
let's see, i also took the bus to DBT (a type of therapy) all by myself. it's not THAT big a victory because i've taken the bus other places, but i do usually get pretty anxious about takin the bus to places i'm not familure with AND it was recovery related to boot (and as i've said that gives me axiety too). So that was pretty cool.
I also got back in touch with a old friend i haven't seen in awhile. he's a very good guy who's been through his own addiction recovery (drugs though). This guy has been my best friend since elementary school, but unfortunately we don't see eachother often anymore because he's very busy with school and work. However he says him and his gf have made it a goal to host a board game night two times a month so hopefully that'll add some much needed consistancy to our friendship!
I think that's about it for today. thanks for reading
hey guys, I don't feel like writing much today, but i figured i better write something since i said i would and i'm trying to get better at holding myself accountable. So I had a pretty good day yesterday, once a again. I discovered this discord channel for people struggling with various mental health issues. It's really awesome because not only do i have a new place to turn when i'm feeling down, but i also get to help people which as i've said is my ambition in life.
anyway maybe i'll wirte more about it later today, i got a lot going on today with appointments today and i need to grocery shop. So talk to you guys later.
Day 5 hey guys, I'm back and i had a great day yesterday. As i told cam I had a appointment with my therapist, which went really well. I also saw a behavior phsychologist, who ran me through some tests. I don't really know what it means yet, but it sounds like i might have a issue that makes me more prone to addiction. He said there is little exercisises we can do together that help with self control though so i figure that can only be a good thing.
So you know how i told you about that subreddit, /r/bpd? well people really liked my post and i have been getting PM's asking me more about mindfulness and meditation. I wrote back to someone and i wanted to share hear what i wrote because it basically explains what i wrote yesterday, but i think it does a better job.
here's the context: I had just told her that the goal is to be serene not happy and she asked what i meant by serene.
here's what i wrote: "nah, by serene i mean at peace with your emotions. Like accepting them and not fusing with them to the point where they affect your whole life. let me give you an example from my own life. This was the first time i felt truly sad without feeling depressed in a long time. The girl i was seeing had just broken up with me. I felt Sad of course and I cried. But the thoughts that came with depression, the self deprecating things like "it's my fault, no one will love me, etc" were n ot there. I accomplished this by accepting that it's okay to feel sad. Much of our pain doesn't come from the emotions themselves but from the way we fight try and fight them. We often feel like we should feel happier and that there's something wrong with us, but the irony is that thought is making you less happy. think back to the falling rock analogy i made. That's what i meant when i said clinging to a rock for dear life. We cling to the the idea that we should always be happy but that's not so. Loss is just as much apart of life as love and it's beautiful because without it love would be meaningless. That's why i meditate, because it's basically practicing looking at something and just experiencing it without judgment, Just like i'm talking about with emotions. So i take a breath and feel only the breath i don't try and describe the breath or think "that breath wasn't controlled enough" (judging). I just notice it and feel it and accept it for what it is." So I really wanted to share this because it's so applicable to addiction! basically instead of saddness, just think urges. When your getting a urge it's okay to distract yourself of course! However when your in that moment when your battling it out inside your mind, Just take a breath, notice your breath and nothing else, then notice the urge it's the same as your breath, it just is, there is no judgement, it's not controlling you, it's just a feeling, feel it as a feeling, not this big dominating feeling, but just feeling, like happiness or saddness, anger, or love. It just is.
Haha you always ask the right questions at the right time it seems Cam! Yesterday i saw my therapist and we identified two coping skills/goals of mine. One was exercise and one was a list of things (literally a to-do list like clean apartment and stuff) to do when i need to distract myself when i'm in a crisis (whether it be depression or addiction related). So I commited to, for the next four weeks (that's usually how long i go before having a bout of more severe depression, luckily it only last a few days, but we are aiming to get through it without shutting down this time) I'm going to practice doing those things. You know, really make them into a habit. This week he said just start with small amounts of push ups and pull ups because he said if i start by completely exhausting the muscle (which is what they recommend you do to get good results) I will be too sore to do anymore that week. So i'm starting small with the exercise and i'm practicing doing things on my list even when i feel good so it becomes a habit. That's my commitment this week (taking it one week at a time)
Day 4 Hey guys, this is going to be a short one because I don't have much to write about. basically not much happened yesterday. Which in a way is good (no news is good news right?). But I also didn't get much done which i'm kinda annoyed with myself about. I might be hard on myself though because i got very little sleep the night before. Today however i have no such excuse, so i'll let you all know how it goes! I have some doctors appointments and i'm FINALLY going to see Rogue one with my dad!
Day 3 (continued) So I was on reddit today (for those who don't know, it's basically a big forum with every topic imaginable) and i was on this subreddit (basically a word for a specific forum on reddit) that I frequent /r/bpd. I may have mentioned in my journal entry yesterday that they thought i had BPD for a while, so i've been on that sub ever since, even after i got better and they decided i didn't have it. I like to go on there and respond to the posts that no one has commented on because it makes me sad that thos people are asking for help and no one has answered!
Anyway today i decided to make my own post on how I got better (actually Cam gave me the idea, thanks Cam. i tried to Tag you but, but that feature is kinda finicky on tablet's and phones). So I decided some of what i wrote on that post here to share because I think some of what i learned recovering from mental health issues also applies to addiction.
so in my post i told this story: "Imagine that when you are born, you are pushed off the cliff. The journey down toward the bottom is life, and at the end you will die. Now imagine when you got pushed off the cliff (when you were born), a bolder came tumbling down with you. Now answer this, does it make sense to cling to the rock for dear life as you fall down toward your death? Of course not! In fact you are hurting yourself because you are clinging to fear, to the idea that this rock will save you, even though it won't. The result is fear, anxiety, depression, all those negative emotions. letting go of the rock won't fix all your problems though. Once you let go of the idea that the rock will save you, you still have to live your life and engage in therapy, and no matter what, don't give up, because you can get better if you try hard enough!" So ya, thanks for reading. I just wanted to share that :3
PS I got that story from Alan Watts. If your interested in Zen or mindfulness i definately suggest looking him up and listening to some of his podcasts, It's good stuff!
Edit: Oh ya, also thanks to WorkinProgress. I've really enjoyed your feedback. I feel bad because i haven't read your journal yet! I'm going to go check it out now while i'm thinking of it and i have the time. Stay awesome!
Day 3 hey guys, good news! i had a absolute blast with my friends last night playing D&D. I also mad contact with another old friend (idk if it will go anywhere but fingers crossed). Like i said before it's been a long time since I really had anyone to hang out with so this is awesome!
I also took some first steps toward doing some anxiety provoking things. My therapist says thats the way to do it, in steps. FIrst a little explaination is needed. You, see My anxiety is kinda wierd (as often is the case with anxiety disorders). My anxiety is actually getting better, or recovery in its self. Leaving the games behind and persuing a life full of ups and downs scares me.
That being said, somethings that people think of as anxiety provoking don't scare me while somethings that other people think of as not anxiety provoking DO sare me.
So for example in this case It was exercise. I view exercise as recover related because i've been told it really helps with mental health and because its a big goal of mine (i used to be pretty big into running). It's kinda funny, taking the bus to go to see my friends didn't give me anxiety, but exercising does lol.
Anyway Since i wanted a way to exercise without leaving my apartment (at least at first, less anxiety that way), I got some p90x vieoes. For those who know what that is, yes, i know that's ambitious, especially for a guy that's a little over 200 pounds (no i'm not that tall). However I've heard from other people who weren't in good shape who did it. They told me basically to go in with the idea that you won't be able to do the stuff like they do in the video at first, and that you will need to take lots of breaks. I figure if I stick to that idea i should be able to do it. Still ambitious, but that's okay because i need to do something ambitious!
@WorkInProgress thanks for the link. I actually am pretty familiar with meditation but I do love reading others experiences/views on it as it's often unique to the individual. Your right I only answered the first question. I've been givening that very question a lot of thought lately. Today I started exercising again. I also started my bass (guitar) playing again. But I really need something more structured. I've been toying with the idea of signing up for classes this fall. I've done that before and failed, but it really costs me nothing to try. If I get cold feet and drop out before classes start it won't cost anything. And if I can commit to actually going to classes well that would be further than I've made it in a long time. Again sorry for grammar I'm typing this on my phone on the bus. I finally got In touch with some old friends and we are playing BG D&D! It's been a long time since I hung out with friends so this is awesome!
Those are some good questions! I think for me it was (like you said) an escape from all I was going through. But the need it was fulfilling was a feeling of success. In many of the games I played (mostly RPGs) I was able to live or RP my dreams of helping people, having a romance, etc. It's kinda a catch 22 though because I'm also afraid of leaving the safety those games provided. I know I can do it though because I have periods of success. I just need a little kick in the ass I feel like. I wish there was a support group in my area for game addiction. It would be great if I had people to hold me accountable. Like with my anxiety I'm often teatering on the edge of doing something good. I just need a push.