Shoot. Day Zero again. Avoided porn and games for three-ish days, but eventually I hit a wall and anxiety teamed with feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. Shit, I can't even contact my academic advisor, get into counseling, or even maintain easy goals like jogging daily, no matter how low I drop the bar. I've trapped myself in a cycle of being too intimidated to do things that would make things better, self-hating, and setting up more barriers to success. Heck, stray thought: I might be sabotaging myself for ego defense and to assuage a cornucopia of guilt. Quick Big question Cam and peers. How do I use this journaling effectively? Like, how do I know when I've written or shared enough? While journaling, I go through emotional phases with seconds of optimism spread throughout. I start these logs feeling anxious, defeated, and judged. That's always first. Later, I'll feel angry, like this is a waste of my time, and I want to blame my life on everyone around me, even this little support community here. Eventually, I don't know, I feel queasy and tired, like I jogged a mile trying not to throw up from a hangover, and I wonder if I'm even doing this right. I worry: is journaling helping me, am I good at this, is it worth it, am I a loser for doing this, is this just building an illusion that I'm making progress or trying, are respondents encouraging me to protect their own illusion, and a thousand more doubts to unpack. Shoot, if I am supporting the illusion of someone's progress, is that my responsibility? Oh, and I always feel that I should be writing this better, more succinctly, clearer, and I have to stop myself from editing myself into silence.