"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."
DayZero added a topic in Found30/M San Fran: Local Reality CheckerI'm Daniel, finishing college online, living in San Francisco with wife and looking for work. I find online communication exhausting, and look forward to having a fellow quitter I could meet at least once a month. I'm extremely extroverted and work best with others rather than alone. Unfortunately, online communication barely lifts the feeling of isolation in this. I'm new to San Francisco, so I'm hesitant in meeting new people, because I'm trying to avoid joining another gaming circle.
I'd definitely communicate with you via chat, email, or whatever you prefer to ensure safety and establish a public meeting. Heck, I can even supply coffee.
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DayZero added a topic in Daily JournalsDay ZeroShoot. Day Zero again. Avoided porn and games for three-ish days, but eventually I hit a wall and anxiety teamed with feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. Shit, I can't even contact my academic advisor, get into counseling, or even maintain easy goals like jogging daily, no matter how low I drop the bar. I've trapped myself in a cycle of being too intimidated to do things that would make things better, self-hating, and setting up more barriers to success. Heck, stray thought: I might be sabotaging myself for ego defense and to assuage a cornucopia of guilt.
Quick Big question Cam and peers. How do I use this journaling effectively? Like, how do I know when I've written or shared enough?
While journaling, I go through emotional phases with seconds of optimism spread throughout. I start these logs feeling anxious, defeated, and judged. That's always first. Later, I'll feel angry, like this is a waste of my time, and I want to blame my life on everyone around me, even this little support community here. Eventually, I don't know, I feel queasy and tired, like I jogged a mile trying not to throw up from a hangover, and I wonder if I'm even doing this right. I worry: is journaling helping me, am I good at this, is it worth it, am I a loser for doing this, is this just building an illusion that I'm making progress or trying, are respondents encouraging me to protect their own illusion, and a thousand more doubts to unpack. Shoot, if I am supporting the illusion of someone's progress, is that my responsibility?
Oh, and I always feel that I should be writing this better, more succinctly, clearer, and I have to stop myself from editing myself into silence.
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DayZero added a topic in Start Here + IntroductionsDay Zero.I've quit a lot of things. Some lasted, some didn't. I've quit smoking and I've quit maintaining some toxic relationships. Those have stuck.
I've also quit gaming, porn binging, drinking heavily, attacking myself emotionally, and more. Those didn't stick.
So, for the umpteenth time, I'm starting to quit again. I've got the 30 day challenge and the other big book.
Fact is, I don't want to quit. I don't want to give up the thrill of virtual achievements, the challenge and reward of strategizing as I pass out at 1 a.m., ready to be better, faster, and go further the next day. I don't want to stop contributing to a community, to give up the pride from teaching new players, the camaraderie of the troubleshooting forums and the cohesion of community frustration.
Sure, right now I see how all these things can be gained in real life. I've had this realization so many times that it's both disgusting and depressing. I'm also sick of being angry and jealous at the people I see succeeding at my dreams. I'm sick of lying when people ask how I'm doing. I'm sick of avoiding old friends for shame of what I haven't accomplished.
So, here's Day Zero of quitting again.
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