Hobedaga

HEY YOU GUUUYYS! (including whaamen). Free coaching is still on offer! Get it while it's hot! ? Here's a new video regarding it and how we're actually NOT going to quit gaming. But rather do something RADICALLY DIFFERENT.... what is it you ask young padawan? Well to learn the SECRET ( ? ) you're going to have to watch this video:

From some of the things you wrote it seems to me like you judge yourself for what you call worldly desires, but I'd say it's very important to accept yourself as you are at the present moment and forgive yourself ? And by accepting yourself I mean accepting everything about yourself. The good and the bad... and not to judge yourself for either of those.

It's just a label really and there's shades of grey to it. If you're asking this question it's a strong hint that you might be at least somewhat addicted I would say. Is gaming affecting your life negatively and do you miss out on opportunities to do something more interesting, useful or w/e to you?

2019-03-08 Made goals and visions for what to do and hopefully achieve during this year ? overall pretty happy about it. JUST DO IT! Is the moto I'm looking to follow. It's also very nice to have a clearer objective infront of myself so I have a direction to strive towards. Making a song too, going to probably finish it tomorrow ? had a nice chat with my friend as usual ? I really love to hear her laughter. Pretty much it ? Quit smoking again as well. This time it will last ? because it's a big disturbance to both my health and my goals. Thanks for reading whoever might be reading this and have a good day ?

I'll just add that the day was full to the brim of struggle. So I'm starting to think I need to take a different approach to life, my goals, my relationships, work etc. since although I'm not afraid of hardship especially if I think it can help me grow and benefit me as a human being, this is just getting to be a bit too much and it really isn't very fun to live this way to put it mildly. I create so much unnesecary hardship for myself because of trying to fit in but I just can't fit in no matter how hard I try ? And the harder I try to do so the harder the resistance I experience in life and the harsher the consequences. So my plan is to sit back, relax, reasess and not to rush into doing anything since that hasn't worked out recently and hasn't really worked out throughout my whole life.

2019-03-04 Got a credit card from a bank Ate some food at a restaurant Finished a poll I worked on for the local newspaper Visited a psychologist Checked out the local movie theatre, the upcoming movies, gonna go out and see some Got a new phone EDIT: that's a shorter version of a journal entry I'm trying out but it's blatantly obvious to me how incomplete and lifeless it is. This day has been so much more than that. This is just the barebones skeleton of the story of what happened today to me and it's really lacking. So I'll go back to writing journal entries as I see fit. Bring it to life by explaining how I'm feeling about everything and how I'm relating to various events personally ? I'll leave this one as is though.

if there's any way I can help tell me man. I know how absurdly difficult it can be to deal with so many psychological and emotional issues especially if you feel alone and misunderstood ? it's actually incredibly nice to read that there are other people who have lived through a whole lot of difficulties and struggle and haven't given up despite all of that ? it's incredibly inspiring and personally atleast I don't feel so alone when I hear about that

You are an incredibly strong person if you've lived through all of that. I've also had issues on the social part of life but after talking to a psychologist recently I realized that it's probably a lot better for me to cultivate a couple of deeper and more intimate relationships instead of going out and talking to a lot of people since that really proved to be a way to do things that brought about a lot of unnessecary struggle. I've come to accept that a lot of people are going to have a negative opinion about me or not really know me and have ideas of what I'm all about... while not even knowing me ?

From what I understand you are in an extremely dire situation and it helps you deal with the stress coming from it? If that's the case I suggest maybe changing your environment or somehow dealing with the stressful things in your life

I'm sorry, I'll be blunt. I don't mean to judge or anything like that, I'd just like to know what stops you from quitting video games?

that beard is awful ? I need to cut it

Some extra additions to the journal entry above ? I attached photos from a photoshoot done by my friend. Guy's a pretty good photographer and also does sick hyperlapse videos. If my coaching actually helps someone or god forbid (:D ) I get good enough where people want to actually pay for it I might use these images for promotional purposes and whatnot. I have some really good gaming related pictures from the photoshoot too just don't have it on this computer atm I might add them later if anyone wants to see them. Also here's a video of a song I made ? no singing for this one, kind of too shy to show me singing here just yet ?

Hello guys! It's been a while since I wrote here so hello again to those who I know from back in the day and to everyone new ? I've had another journal somewhere but I just decided to make a new one. I'm not going to write a lot about gaming addiction or games, I'll talk more about life events I'm having and stuff like that and I'll try to keep it brief and to the point ? So here goes I've been gaming free once again for around 2 months I'd say. I can't say for sure because this time I quit quite organically and a million things happened to me since the beggining of this year and it even started off with a bang ? I hoped my long time friends would let me join their new year's celebration but despite my best efforts I've been rejected and celebrated new year at home with my family. I won't like so far the year has been incredibly rough for me. I've encountared challanges I've never thought I'd encounter, but here I am, still standing ? Hopefully more than just standing around ? But I'm getting off topic here, this is game quitters after all, so I'm going to say my peace in that regard. So as I was saying I'm not completely sure since when I haven't played games, might've even been four or more months. To keep it safe and for my own well being regarding this question I'll just say that I've been COMPLETELY video game free since the beggining of the year 2019. It hasn't been easy. Although quitting games wasn't really my focus but life hasn't been easy since then. As is usually the case once you make a turning point or important changes in your life. But it's all good so far. I haven't really had any urges to play since recently. I just go a new and slick laptop computer. It isn't very powerful and it isn't a gaming computer, but it's strong enough to play any of the games I'd be interested in like Dota, Hearthstone, Starcraft or whatever else. And I'll admit I had severe urges to play those games. Which is kind of weird to me to be honest. I've been mostly game free for periods of a 3 months, a whole year and a couple of months again in the past 3 or so years. So it's weird that the urges can still be so powerful. But they are. In the end I beat them by just playing a match of chess with my father. I don't shy away from real world games like basketball, card games or chess. For me what's important is not to play video games and I don't get so engrossed in these real life games. I'm not sure how it's going to go further on from now. If I'll be able to resist the temptation. However I wish to offer free coaching sessions for whoever's interested and I made a seperate topic on that so that gives me extra motivation to stay off. I know how easy it is to find elaborate and very convincing excuses to play. But I've been down that road before many many times and it's always lead to me relapsing. So I'm saying no this time... this new laptop that I've bought is a work computer. That's the purpose behind it's design and I intend to use it according to it's purpose ? I'll try my best anyway. So that's pretty much it on the gaming side. Talking about life, well I've recently gone back to martial arts training which I wanted to do for a very long time now, but there were always obstacles to make that a reality. For now I have to wait an extra week before I can get back to it again (jiu jitsu and/or kickboxing training). When sparring I suffered an infury above my left eyebrow. I got a cut when we accidentally bumped heads with another younger lad in sparring. The guy was going pretty hard at it and I didn't want to back away from a challange. So I ended up with a cut, got 4 stiches and now I can't train for at least a week ? So that didn't really work out long term. I can't just train all in with no surrender and not look after my own health. That is not sustainable. Recently made some newspaper articles for a local newspaper. Interviews, polls and one article. Should be getting paid for it tomorrow. Surprisingly for me it proved to be a lot more work than expected and I'm learning a lot about journalism, working in a team and maintaining your integrity. Also it's really fun to go around town and talk to people, take interviews and what not. So far that's my favorite part of that job. However, I've made many mistakes, especially in making the article so I'm not sure how it's going to go further on and if the paper people ( ? ) will want to keep me around but I'll see what happens. Worst comes to worst I have many ideas of how to make a living doing all sorts of my own projects but I'll see where this thing leads. In other news ( ? ) I've gotten back to playing guitar and actually SINGING! That's very weird for me, because I'm a lot better at playing guitar than at singing but I've made a couple of songs. Even one about a LAAAADY friend of mine ? But that's a seperate topic ? I find it very fun and relaxing though when I really get into it and don't care too much about playing perfectly. And my voice isn't the best and yada yada yada, insert reasons for why it's bad, but whatever I enjoy it and that's what matters the most ? and actually some other people who listened to my music liked it and encouraged me ( including the LAAAAADY friend). Friends and family are kind of biased of course but whatever it's still nice to know you're appreceated ? On the LAAAAADY friend ( ? ) side of things... well these are very very complicated for me. I've been at bars, I've asked out waitresses, talked to women and facebook, used tinder and so far no success on getting an actual girlfriend or at least a date even. Actually I've majorly fucked up more than one time in this regard ? one girl even said that she found our interaction creepy and basically ghosted me afterwards and when we met after all that acted as if she didn't even know me. Which was very very saddening I have to say. Since if not for the sexual or rather flirting part of our interaction we had some amazing conversations and it really felt that we could've been good friends. ALAS it did not come to be and I have to learn from it and move on. Although it's really difficult to learn from something like that. Financial situation is not superb but I'm lucky that my family helps out in this regard and I am incredibly grateful to them for that ? And as tomorrow I should be getting paid for the articles I prepared (hard work for real! Honestly, it's so much harder than I expected it to be to prepare an article). It's not much money at all since it's a small local paper and I work quite slowly since I'm not used to it, but it's something. At the very least I've dealt with most of the relevant debt issues I have except one but it's not too late to deal with it as well. In general these kind of situations bring a lot of worry so it's really nice that at least for the moment I'm good with it. I still have a grand total of about 720€ of debts to pay, but I still have a decent chunk of time to pay them. I'm really irresponsible with my spending though and I have a tendency to waste any disposable income I get as fast as possible. That's really something that I have to work on. In general I need a lot more discipline and will power but that's something I work towards quite slowly, at my own pace. I really enjoy being able to improve these parts of my life at my own pace and by my own decisions. It feels like improvements made like that are a lot more solid. The health department isn't looking too great. I have high blood pressure because of my diet and being overweight. As I've mentioned I got a cut next to my left eyebrow, my sides are beaten down from the sparring, my arm aches from the vaccine I received after I got stiches. Also I've started smoking some time ago and really got into that. Weirdly, despite all that I feel quite energetic and strong. My body get's tired relatively easily because of all that and it takes ten times the will power to do the same physical things it would take someone who's more fit and healthy, but I have an optimistic psychological outlook I would say and it helps keep my energy higher even with all these issues I've mentioned. HOWEVER it's really something I should address but I don't feel like I'm at that point yet. If I continue further like this it's very likely I'll get diseases of some sort. High blood pressure with my diet and lifestyle is no joke. Also I consume a lot of sugar so I'm at risk for heart diseases and diabetes. I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to take this area of my life more seriously but as I've said I don't feel like I'm at the point where I should be addressing this more deeply. However the minuses of smoking, this kind of lifestyle and the financial burdain I put on myself because of these things is becoming ever more apparent. I guess it's just all a stress reliever kind of thing for me and I don't want to let go of that yet since I don't have viable alternatives for now. Ahhh.... annoying topic to me honestly ? I'll deal with these issues one by one and I'm still relatively young so I'm hoping I won't die beforehand (that got dark quick). Relationship with family (father, sister) is wonky. I don't really get it. However, so far it seems it's the best when I listen more to people instead of talking myself. Or just stay quiet ? So at times I'll do that at others I'll talk all depending on the situation and the circumstances and also how I feel within. I'm a huge talker though and when you get me started it's hard to stop ? as it might be evident from this text. I said I'll try to keep it brief god damn it ? Oh well. Next additions to my journal might be briefer, I'll see. So this is PRETTY much it. There's some things that I've experienced that I don't really want to talk about because they're... really weird. If there comes a time where I'll feel more comfortable sharing it I will on this journal or through other means.... I still feel like I could write and write for days but this should do it for my first NEW AND IMPROVED journal entry ? Don't want to burdain you guys too much at once too. So to end on a positive note the good things that have been happening and I've been doing recently is I got a new laptop for work and communication with people, started going to martial arts classes again, improved my relationship with a lot of my friends, I've started hanging out and talking to people a LOT more (like A LOT more ? ), I got an incredible facebook LAAAAADY ( ? srry I can't help it) friend. She's incredibly really, although she has A BAZZILLION of problems of her own for sure and I have to be a bit careful about many things. Many red flags so to speak. But I don't regret talking to her one bit ? she's very inspirational to me, sometimes even when she doesn't mean to be ? . And one of the most important positives besides me talking a lot more to people and expressing myself a lot is getting in touch with my feelings through music and doing work that I actually enjoy a lot (the journalism thing and a lot of other ideas I've been implementing to one extent or another). WOAH. Really didn't expect this post to get this long but here you go ? THANK you very much for reading, I really really appreceate it ? Hopefully I'll hang around here more. OK! ENOUGH!!!! ? That's it for now and see ya later ? I'll respond to any possible comments as best as I can.

Here are some older videos from my youtube channel if you want to get a better idea of what I'm all about.

Hey guys and gals. I'm offering free gaming addiction coaching. Truly free, not gonna offer you any paid services through the coaching session if you're interested. I asked Cam he allowed me to post this here. If you're interested write in comments or pm me and we can arrange a time. Have a good night/day

Personally I'm a proponent of egalitarianism. Feminism doesn't seem necessary to me these days and mostly it seems to be a cultural movement instead of a legislative one.

anxiety is lower level but chronic fear the way I understand it. But to be afraid of something you have to be paying attention to it. When you played games, they are stimulating, you paid attention to them, and you forgot about the things that you were anxious about

Hello I have to say I'm quite happy to see other people post threads here about how disappointed they feel in relapsing and knowing that I'm not the only one feeling that way So I recently relapsed and talked about it with slowpoke on the discord chat and he found something I said interesting so I thought I'd talk about it with you guys. Recently I relapsed after having not played games for a bit more than a year in the past. I played my favorite video game, dota. I'm quitting from today but it's no big event. I know I'll be able to stay off it and it won't be too difficult for me anymore. The way it happened was that I was felling ashamed back in my father's house after coming back from working in england, and it was an escape from that intense feeling. It kind of snook up on me because I felt quite in control of it. But since I dreamed up a yet another fantasy in my life of making money off it in dotacoach.org I played more and more. This is not the main thing that I want to say here, it's something else. And I am going to talk with specific gaming terms because it's a great analogy for what I want to say so don't continue reading from here if you don't want to see that. I've failed and failed and failed throughout my entire life. Many promises and loud proclimations of how I'm going to do this that or the other always ended up in disappointment. And the worst part is I never understood why I failed, what was it that I was doing wrong. Enter gaming example. I wanted really bad to become a professional dota 2 player, gain 7k mmr. I fantasized about it a lot, most of my thinking throughout the day was dedicated to becoming a better dota player. But I've never climbed above 3k mmr with the exception of once spamming and overpowered hero and immideatly losing mmr after I was done with it. Isn't that a bit crazy. I've spent countless hours, it was my only wish and I read a gazillion guides, watched instructional videos and despite all that I have constantly failed. Why is that? I've come to understand that pretty much like in any other area of my life, I didn't understand what I was doing at all. All my decisions were based on emotion. In any given match, whether I was going to attack another hero or not was based on how that sitation felt, the way I farmed etc. I did it all in a similar way I saw other pro players do and I did it not because I understood why they're useful, but simply because the pros were doing it. So while doing it I also felt quite advanced mechanically which induced even more rage when I lost, since my teammates or the enemy didn't seem to have knowledge of that advanced mechanic that I used despite not understanding the basics of the game. So when I tried to learn this time I've checked something out. There was a dota youtuber who was very high mmr and he is a coach and has coaching videos on and there was a video were he verbalized what he thought throughout a game he was playing. Every single movement, every single item purchase... everything had a clear logical reason that would advance him to his goal. I was surprised by that, every decision I made was based on a combination of feeling/a pro did it in a video/habit . Never understanding. One more example is, when I decided to understand and be able to clearly explain what a lane creep is. To my surprise, when I started to learn about this one small part of the game... I knew close to nothing. After so many hours and such a strong wish to become better I knew close to nothing about a basic part of the game. I think this is a perfect analogy for pretty much anything else I've been trying to do in life. You have to understand, that trying to do something and failing, and failing, and failing, year after year, and worse yet, not even understanding WHY is an incredibly frustrating feeling. It can easily bring up resentment or envy when you see other people succeeding in what they set themselves out to do with less effort than you! And I have to say, in principal I think doing something in real life, and doing something in real life... you need the same things to do it. You need to understand. Clearly understand what and why you are doing. I don't know how to put to words how important I think it is. Just one last thing I want to add is, since I'm such a dummy, I can only do things that I understand at an INCREDIBLY slow pace. But no matter how fast I would be doing them without understanding, I would never do them and only grow frustrated. And it's especially hard because I have to admit, something that might be obvious to others, that I am way less capable than others and that I don't understand much. It's part of the emotional reasoning to try and go fast again, but it's not based in logic. TL;DR: made emotional decisions in a game in the past, failed constantly despite trying really hard. Constantly failed and disappointed people at pretty much everything I did in life and didn't even know why I was failing. Understood that it's because I never used logic much, mostly made emotional, rash and impulsive decisions throughout my life. TL;DR TL;DR learned life lesson: make decisions based on logic, not emotion.

Hobedaga Leaves The Father's Nest [18:42]

Kickboxing Class Vlog #3 [10:27]

@WorkInProgress I'll add it to my to read list. Thanks

Day 31 It's been quite some time since I posted here. I've done a couple extra youtube videos, I have failed on keeping my room clean or not browsing the internet mindlessly, I've gone through some short but severe cravings, I failed with eating right and gained a little bit of extra weight, I've learned some valuable things. Courage and self-discipline are of the utmost importance to develop for myself. I've grown fearful of things as non-dangerous as children playing outside over the years and my habit of always going out of the way of an obstacle or any amount of discomfort that comes my way has made my self-discipline level very low. These two things are what is holding me back the most in life at this moment. Social anxiety may be a close third but even though I do have it I'm also fairly ok with talking with people so it's not as important to me right now. I don't have a clear and detailed plan on how I'm going to improve my courage and self-discipline but one thing is very clear it cannot be through reading countless books and articles on how to develop it. I actually have to experience it. I have a plan for this year and I know what I need to do. I just don't have the cohones to do it. And fear isn't the only thing that is stopping me. It's all related to big life decisions and other things. I know however that in the end I will regret having not done these things. Realizations If I'm gonna mindlessly browse the internet all the time then I am in no better position when I was gaming all the time. Maybe slightly less addictive. I'm insecure about insults / social rejection. Maybe it's related to social anxiety and doing things that require me to face fear will inadvertently improve this part of my life too. Not using any tech for someone who's been using it all the time for many years is incredibly difficult. I couldn't do one day of a "one-week no tech challange" No amount of knowledge and reading can help you deal with the fear and social anxiety you experience in the moment. I've consumed tons of self-help content in the past and it wasn't any easier. And thing is I can write all I want but I can't accurately describe the experience itself. All logic and understanding go out the window when you're experiencing fear. Fear is what is stopping me from getting a job (that and a bit of laziness), going to live on my own and doing many other very important things that will lead me to living a way more fulfilling life. Self discipline is an overlapping problem for me. It, or rather the lack thereof, affects many facets of my life. In different forms I bump into this problem all the time. When you're feeling your worst at the very least remember to do something very small but beneficial. Like you're depressed, then go take a shower or take a walk. It improves mood immensely. I need to get a job and pay for my own shit. You are responsible for furthering your own interests. No one else is. Creating the lifestyle and attaining the success you desire is all on you. And if you're not going to intensely go after it, no one besides close friends and family will care.

New vlog video, I've actually done something in this one Lifting, Friends and Cleaning the Room Vlog #2 [11:53]

Post Gaming Vlog #1 [09:45] I attempt to go to a kickboxing class

Thanks guys @Cam Adair I learn from the best