The last weeks had been kind of different in their kind. I had been out of town for a week and could enjoy some time just for myself. I was filling every day with activity and had a lot of time to think about certain things and my current situation. The weeks after that had been filled with little to no activity and a lot of excessive gaming. I was more aware of myself than usual though. Anyway, I achieved nothing during these weeks and spent a lot of time on gaming though. The problem that I have right now is that a few years ago I never really had the dream or the vision of achieving something in gaming but somehow during the last years this dream of mine had manifested itself and is still there, lurking me from time to time back into excessive gaming. I honestly believe that there is a way for me to simply enjoy games again but I need to stop looking at them as something competitive. There is no need for me to obtain the Platin trophy in every game or getting high ranks or something like that, I should just play games for the fun and the enjoyment of it, as an addition to a filled day. What i realized during this whole experienced with gamequitters is that there was a time where I had a gap in my life that has been filled with gaming and everytime a similar gap seems to open up I just go back to gaming and that is going to ruin my life, if I keep doing that. Today I requested a deletion of my Account (will be completly deleted in a few weeks) and I made it process inaccessible for me, which means I won't be able to change this decision when my mind is weaker. I've learned an interesting concept about weakened moments and this concept is called HALT. It stands for: - Hungry - Angry - Lonely - Tired Whenever I encounter these states, I need to HALT and take a look at what I'm doing. Get aware of my situation and my thinking. Be aware of my weakened mind. My decision to come back to this group is because I think that it will help me being here. I'm not planning on doing a 90-Day Detox but rather on writing here occasionaly and more likely read through other members experiences and accompany them. Just for counting measures though: Today is Day 1
Day 9-11 Todays society is filled with insanity. I don't know why my mind is so attached to deny itself so much. There is so much potential in me, I'm not using it. But I don't feel depressive or addicted. I just feel uncertain. I'm the victim of myself and the past that haunts me. But right now there are no problems and there is no depression, there is only the moment and I'm using it in a way that the future won't benefit from it. Maybe I should embrace insanity and accept society? hmpf.... I won't lie: I gamed during the last 5 days. A lot. And I documented everything in it in order to see a pattern. And that's the horrific thing about it: It had one. I should make friends with pattern, I think I need to hang out a lot more with him but in different scenarios than just this one because that's what I lack: A friend that is telling me what to do. And pattern is a friend who's good in that, he's just hanging around in a bad scenario. Let's go for a walk.
Day 5-8 I'm rethinking my basics during the last days. I feel like I start finding to myself. Why do I keep pushing myself into all directions? I'm so directed towards success that I'm forcing myself with so many things. Why do I wanna keep doing a certain kind of sports? I can't remember. Oh right now I do. But why am I trying to force success so hard in such a short time? I'm going to look easier on some things. Life is life and it should be enjoyable. I got poisoned by the wicked ambition of people from the past and lost myself and my whole character during the process, all that is left is their wicked ambition that infected me and forces me to do things that I don't want to. But this is already years ago... and I have suffered during all this time feeling like I'm some unworthy "non-achiever", driving myself mad. Steadily trying to get some fame with something that rewards me fast and gives me the feeling of accomplishment: The ranked ladder of a popular online game. Things start to get clear and I feel like something big is coming.
Day 3-4 Calm days, thinking a lot. I don't exactly know what to write... so I'll just jump from sentence to sentence... I was relaxing a lot during the last 2 days since failing my exam that I learned so much for drained a lot of motivation and energy. I'm still doing sports, music and other stuff during the day which is a good thing but I also watched a lot of YouTube & Co.. I'm not even that negative about failing this exam because it showed me a lot of mistakes that I had done during this semester and practically opened my eyes. This is for me now number 1 priority, to change all the necessary things in order to give me the possibility to become a successful student. Another thing that I realized during the last 2 days is how it all came down to this addiction and I gotta say, that I'm unfortunate to have met so many wrong persons during my last years. It's good that I am now distanced from them and that I have an isolated state right now because I was droven into alcoholism, gaming addiction and unemployment because of all the "friends" and acquintances that I had during my last 5 years. The most disappointing factor is that I had put my trust and my life fully into the hands of my leaders (trainers, teachers, close friends and so on) of that time and I completly dedicated everything that I could to achieve something and while I achieved it, I got totally lost of myself because of the way that people treated me like shit. I gotta say that if someone would nowadays treat me or especially anyone from my closer circle like that then I would have definitly broken a nose or two. Disgusting how greed, ignorance and power can change people into their worst. I'm basicly still the light-hearted, good-willed person from then that simply wants to do no harm to anyone and be meaningful in something, willing to do a lot for it but the past-success has demanded it's price and I have definitly paid for it.... but that doesn't mean that I have to give up myself. So right now I feel like on a scale from 0-10 I'm on -1. I am always afraid that if I start to live "regularly" that I will just have a boring life and won't achieve anything (ever again). But I can't jump from -1 to 10, that's not possible. The next step is living a regular, boring life. Wake up early, do your study, educate yourself some more, have some time with friends, have some fun, visit family, do some sports, go to bed early. Repeat. Don't overdo it and just be ordinary and then I have a solid ground, where I can start to grow on. If I want to get ambitious about something, then I will have the opportunity to do so. Getting to ground Zero will be the next step for now and in order to achieve that there is one golden rule: Don't. Play. Games.
Day 2 Don't have much time so short summary: Read about difference between good and bad student. I'm a bad one and wanna change to a good one. Only 7 weeks left to change the mess that I'm in right now and give me the possibility to start at point 0 into the next semester and then start to become a good student. Ran 7km yesterday, going to hit the gym today. Made some breaks during the run, which first disappointed me but it's good, still broke 7km. Gonna hit gym today. Didn't do anything for music yesterday, will do today. Met with my brother though, was cool. No friends that I could talk with about my situation. All the old "friends" that I know are selfish and not worth it. Need to find new friends in university, but I have no idea how. Today: Studying for 2x2 hours, hitting gym for 1 1/2 then work. I feel so out of place right now that it's giving up on myself or become superior over my cravings and escape the mediocre life. Edit: My motivation is shattered right now, I learned intensively on an exam for 5 weeks to finally pass it and most likely performed bad in it. Now I have 2 exams left and only 1/4 of the time and have no idea how to pass. I guess I will fail in every single exam and need to change something in general afterwards. Sucks.
Day 4-5 I missed yesterday because I was studying all day for my exam today. It didn't went well but I'm halfway fine with it. I studied a lot for it but I guess I didn't use the time efficently enough or my way of studying wasn't optimized enough. Even if I fail I want to improve my study style and I already have made some valuable experiences, so I'm fine with whatever comes out of this exam. It still sucks though to learn so much and going out of an exam with the worry to fail. Anyway I will make a plan this evening in order to optimize my learn style and remove some mistakes so I can use my time more efficiently. After all I had a 7 year break from any kind of school or exam or something like that, so I guess it's fine as the first step. Try, fail, optimize, try harder. repeat until you succeed. I'm not planning much for today except my usual 3 things and some more learning for the next exam tomorrow. I'm happy that I'm writing again since I appreciate the possibility to train my english with these entries and to get a sight of my own mind.
Day 5 I was thinking about reseting my timer since I relapsed this night for some hours, but I have to say that the 1000-day Challenge of my support gave me kind of the way of thinking. I wanna win the war, not the battle and this is a battle that I lost tonight, but that doesn't has to mean that I lost the war. The good thing is I stopped gaming after some hours and I denied access to pretty much my last gaming account. Also I did everything from yesterday that I wanted to do. For today I will take a good amount of sleep and stuuuuudy. I'm going to also write for myself in the evening to deal better with my cravings there. Edit: Alright time to analyze the situation. How did it come to this? I guess one of the biggest factor is desire to Escape for a while since there is a lot of stress going on at the moment. While sports and everything does it's part for a couple of minutes, gaming took away several hours. I will need to handle stress a little different. I believe that you can get used to some amount of stress and you can deal better with it then but I'm not at this point right now and need to learn it. So for now it's ok that this relapse happened, but I need another time eating hobby where I can lose my time to for a while in order to deal better with the stress I guess. The second reason is just stupidity. I was thinking about how I wanted to be this cool guy that has a high rank in a popular game. But truth is: I won't achieve this "status" without spending tons of hours into the game and this is how the game is designed: It is designed to keep me hooked. And I got hooked during the last weeks. It is a typical addictive behaviour: "Next game I will definitly have better luck" "Maybe the next gamestreak is my lucky winstreak". It's just that one more game that promises to be soooo much better but it won't be. Don't know why I got so back into this thinking-pattern but it is good that I realized this now. I think it's pretty simple: I don't have a problem to distance myself from games as long as I have the right mind to it. But as soon as I forget about a couple of things and get back to my old thinking-pattern I get hooked again on games and this is what happened a couple of weeks ago when I finished my detox. And in order to achieve another kind of mind or thinking I need to do other things. I already realized this halfway a couple of days ago but I see now why I was thinking that. In order to change my mind, I need to change what influences it and even though this will take time, it will be worth it. For now I will need to find a way to deal with my gaming cravings. I think I will follow on of the tips that I got during the last days: and every time I get cravings I will just simply do sports. It's like having a diet and exchanging all the bad food with good food for a while. In order to succeed I need to adapt my eating habit in general but for now as a short-term solution in this stressphase it will do the trick.
I may take you up on that later. Thanks my support Day 4 I got quiet early to bed yesterday and woke up early today, which is great. Going to gym yesterday was the best thing that I could do. My plans for today are quiet simple: Learn a lot and... Sports: Going to jog in the afternoon and do some stretching. Education: A lot of university stuff going on around today, but I will take my time and read a book on my own as well. Going to finish one today that I started 2 weeks ago. Music: I will take some more time today to practice guitar. I feel like I have a lot of time today and I will need most of it to study, I will see what I will probably do during study breaks.
hehe thanks for the invitation. I would love to say yes but I will need to look how things turn out. My personal plan sounds actually pretty familiar, so how about we make a deal and I will join your journey at a later date when I passed some obstacles? Day 3 Going to make another entry for today. I think I am going to make it a habit to write into my Journal early in the morning. I think that this will be an important factor towards focusing my mind into the right direction in the morning by making myself clear what I want to achieve during the day and most important of all remind myself of what I really want. I mean what I really really want and not what my cravings are... and I think that I can pass this point of being on the same spot over and over again by having this habit of mine. So what do I want? Well what I want is a healthy and very athletic lifestyle. Which means I need to have a good food schedule as well as around 1 hour of training per day no matter what(training is not always hitting the gym, sometimes a little jog or some yoga/stretching will do the trick). This will be topic 1. In order to have a good food schedule I need to prepare good and well-rounded meals, which means I need to buy the right foods at the store. Eating the right things and sleeping enough is like 2/3 of an athletic lifestyle, the other 1/3 of course is training and the most important part about it is consistency. Topic 2 will be Education. By Education I don't mean my university-education, I mean my personal. The most important lesson that I took from my Detox the last time was clearly that there is a huge difference between self education and the education that I get from school/university. If there is a thing that I want to achieve, then I can study it on my own and learn a lot about it, there is no reason to have something like a certification or some kind of paper proving myself that I mastered something or that I am at least educated in it. Educating myself is opening so many doors and has opened my eyes so much that I simply don't wanna miss on it ever again. Topic 3 will be Music. I don't wanna be a super good musician or anything, but my brother and me bonded really much over the last years with gaming. Leaving gaming behind means that there will be a void now and I wanna fill that void with music (sounds poetic), because he is for sure talented but also loses a lot of progress due to gaming, which is completly fine but hey, getting a stronger bond and helping him by spending time on his talents is a win-win situation that everyone will benefit from + It's a completly new experience for me and it's just a couple of minutes every day. These will be my 3-main topics during the next weeks and I'm going to set some specific goals every morning when I wake up. Besides from these 3 main-topics there are some minor-topics that will always influence my day(actually the biggest part of it): I need to get my studies done, I have to earn some money and so on. But these are rather "unpersonal" goals that are just a must be and that don't need that much attention from me at the moment. As long as all these "topics" are fulfilled during the day I'm fine with sitting on the couch and playing some local-coop games with my girlfriend, I just have to distance myself a lot from certain kind of games (practically everything with ranked online multiplayer and similar things). Sadly it's already 16:00 around here so this focusing of my mind comes a bit late today but that's no problem, I can still make the best out of it. Sports(Topic 1): I'm going to eat a self made salat with noodles and then learn a little bit and go to the gym.I want this to be finished until 19:00 and then get some healthy groceries Education(Topic 2): I'm going to read a little before I go to bed. It won't be anything educational but since I have my exams soon I need to focus my education there at the moment. Music(Topic 3): I will make some breaks between studying and practice guitar. Will most likely be only 15 minutes but that will be more than enough for the start. This will be how I will make my daily plans in the morning.
Writing and planning about these things really feels rewarding and liberating but I also need a good execution, because the best plan is useless without anyone executing it. So I'm off to make the best out of the day
@Fagus I was already wondering whether we will meet each other again here. So we are both again at the same spot, let's through it again together Are you planning on doing another 90-Days? Day 2-3 I should've studied during the last days but my head was full with the option that I could cancel the deletion of my account and that distracted me often and a lot. I can't really focus on learning. Anyway I will get through this time and get this account deleted. Otherwise I would just end in a loop and I don't want that. I had nice little success stories during my time when I didn't game. I'm not doing much during the day except learning.
Thanks Day 1 I gamed yesterday for a long time. Downloaded a game and played it. It's ok that this happened and I'm going to reset the timer due to that. In order to prevent this happening again I'm going to delete my account there. It will take 2 weeks but I guess I will be able to handle this time. I will need to do a lot during the next days in order to rebuild my lifestyle. I need to be aware that my actions directly affect my surrounding field of persons that are close to me. I want these persons to have a good life and that they aim for the best in themselves, but how can I expect this from them if I'm not doing it myself. I had this realization yesterday and it kind of hit me.