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About Fagus

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  • Birthday 05/13/1988

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  1. Fagus added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    Does that mean you are learning german? Who wants to speak such an ugly and useless language? I can teach you your first word: Schwanzlurch. That's an order of animals. You call them Salamander I think. It is not a widely used word. But if you call someone in Germany a Schwanzlurch, he will not be happy. That doesn't happen when you call someone a Salamander in England though. Strange.  
    You are listening to Metal. What kind of Metal? I bet it is something like Metalcore or Nu Metal. When I've been in your age, I've been listening to Metal as well. I began with Power Metal and Heavy Metal (Blind Guardian, Iron Maiden) went to Melodic Death Metal (Amon Amarth, Insomnium, Omnium Gatherum, Mors Principium Est) and than even deeper to real Death Metal (Illdisposed, Hypocrisy). This has been my way to deal with my surroundings. I thought that I've needed this extreme music inside me to equalize the madness that comes from the outside. Nowadays I know, that I used this music on the outside to equalize the madness inside me. 
    You are talking about being depressed and depression. Those are two very different things I suppose. Being depressed means you feel an intense melancholy. Depression means, that you feel nothing and is a real mental disorder that needs help and treatment. I've only been depressed. At one point I thought it would be a good idea if every person on earth would die. Then this planet would finally be a nice place to live in. 
    The adult world is different. It is much more diverse. In school everyone does the same thing and has the same goal. In the adult world this stops. But what did you realise?
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  2. Fagus added a post in a topic Fagus' journal   

    gaming free:  5/1000 days
    ▲ good things
    I went for a walk in the sunshine. A really good method of clearing the fog of thoughts and to calm down. I checked all my learning material to get an general idea of all the subjects I have to learn for the exam. The exam is on the 23rd of march, so I made a timetable of when I want to have done with preparations and start intense learning.
    I spent some time learning notes and training juggling. I can juggle for 5 seconds now.
    ▼bad things
    I spent too much time on youtube and mindless browsing.
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  3. Fagus added a post in a topic Beyond the Detox   

    The goals you describe here are the common ones everybody expects you to strive for. But in my opinion this is neither beautiful nor reasonable. It's rather a trap. Let's examine it:
    You own a nice house in the city outskirts, in a quiet nice suburb.
    In case I don't inherit a lot of money (which I won't) I will have to take a loan, since property in such an area is quite expensive. Living in the outskirts forces me to commute to my workplace which will still be in the inner city.  
    You drive a nice car.
    I have to commute and I prefer the privacy and flexibility of my shiny car rather than taking public transport, thus spending quite some hours of my lifetime in the traffic jam every day.Of course I want a comfortable and prestigious car which is expensive, adding more to my loan. 
    You have a lovely wife and two beautiful kids.
    The order in which my goals are listed here is: house, car, wife, kids. So the wife comes third, right after the nice house and the car and the trait I give my ideal wife is: lovely, not loving or caring. This trophy wife does not work. She provides beauty and prestige, while I provide money and success. The side that can't deliver anymore get's replaced immediatly.  Since my trophy wife spents her time in the beauty salon and the shopping mal, I have to hire a nanny for the kids and a cleaner for the nice and big house.I work a lot to earn all the money that is needed to maintain all of this. So I can't spend time with my kids, but since I'm a loving father, I give them more money than they can spend to compensate for this. My kids will be spoiled and expensive. But hey, at least they are beautiful! 
    You're a manager at the company you work. Maybe you chose a Y career and now you're a senior product designer or something like it. You might even have your own estabilished business, employing a few couple of people.
    So I'm a manager, I have my own business or whatever. I'm in charge, I lead the business, which means that I drown in responsibility and work, resulting in a 70 hour week at least. I don't have leisure time, I don't have weekends, even when I'm at home I'm at the phone or laptop dealing with my business. But I need this job to pay back the loan and I love to feel successful and important.Employing people made the situation even worse. Now I'm responsible for those people too. Someone has trouble at home and is less productive at work. I have to fire him and make his situation even worse, but my company needs to stay competitive. There is no place for altruism. 
    You help. You are loved.
    So my wife does only want my money and success and my kids don't know me since I'm never at home but they all pretend to love me.I'm in the Rotary Club. I spend money for some humanitarian thing I don't really have time to concentrate on. But I know that the people in the third world I give money to do love me! Or maybe only my money? 
    You feel important. You play golf every weekend. You travel with your family every six months.
    I feel important. That doesn't necessarily mean that I am important, but with my success with my business, my social status, my trophy wife and children and all my material stuff I can feel this way.I'm playing golf every weekend. I don't really like this sport. It's quite boring, but this is what rich people do. Although it is quite frustating to get mobbed by the really rich guys. But in 10 years, when I'm 50, I will have reached even these people and show them! Isn't this a great goal for a successful life?Every six month I travel to some 5 star hotel. The country doesn't matter because I never leave the hotel. I just sit at the pool with my phone and laptop and take care of my business that can't live without me even for one day. There is no time to relax when you are successful and important. 
    I have a big house, a big car and a big loan. I have a lovely wife that only wants my money and two beautiful and spoiled kids. I lead a successfull business which I need to pay back my loan and to keep my social status and I'm in constant fear that my business could collapse and I lose everything. I want to help, feel loved and important, but all I can give is my money since all my time gets sucked into my business. I have to play golf and travel two times every year, because that's what you do when you are rich and successful.
    Sometimes I wish back my life when I was a young man. I had a girlfriend that loved me because of how I was and not because of my money. I had lots of leisure time and spent it with ordinary but true friends. I didn't travel further than to the next lake. I went there by bike and not by Porsche and lay there in the sun. Life was simple and beautiful.
    But I can't go back. I'm already addicted to my success. I would feel horrible if I fell down the social ladder into obscurity again, where no one knew my name and my success.
    Sounds reasonable, right?
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  4. Fagus added a post in a topic Fagus' journal   

    This is actually Day 2 again, which makes me quite proud. I've identified some things that make me relapse again and again:
    Stress. Gaming is my best method to deal with stress. Since trying not to game stresses me, I need to game in order not to game. That does not work, obviously. So I need to find new ways to deal with stress. There is already some material on that matter from Cam. I tried meditating, which is really hard for me. Going for a walk works much better.  I try to do this daily now.Need for challenge and measurable growth.  Gaming fulfilled these needs. I've read the 60+ hobby ideas and went for juggling. I bought juggling balls and that's what I'm practicing now. The next thing will be to join a karate club. Is there anything more challenging with lots of measurable growth than juggling and karate? Maybe juggling while punching someone?The fallacy of moderate gaming. Well, moderate gaming is just a lie. It does not work. There is no moderate drinking for an alcoholic. There is no moderate gambling for a compulsive gambler and there is no moderate gaming for a video game addict. That's sad, but I think I've proven to myself that this is just the truth. I wish someone had told me that before... alright, let's be honest here: I wish I were able to believe this before! But no learning without suffering!Chaos leads to stress which leads to gaming. I've never been interested in organising my life. I keep my home tidy and I don't forget any obligations. This is not my problem. But I don't know how to organise my day. I just start doing something, then switch to something else. This does more than often end in doing mindless unproductive stuff, even when I manage not to game. And since being unproductive means to feel unsatisfied, I have the urge to get back to my strictly organised gaming life. Games are organised. They tell me what to do next and show me what I've achieved already. I like that. But now I want this in my real life. Luckily, there is advice for this, too. I've read @WorkInProgress new journal about weekly progress and I want to try this kanban thing. At the moment I try trello. This should be good to visualize not only the work I have to do, but also the work I have already done, to keep me motivated. Connection. I play video games to feel connected. I'm addicted because of a lack of connection in the real world. This is the most important factor and the most challenging right now. I'm a misfit with strange quirks, I have a strong social anxiety and low self-esteem. Tackling this stuff is possible, but stressful... which urges me to start gaming again.Well, that's enough for now. In two days I will start this crazy 1000 day challenge with Mad Pharmacist.
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  5. Fagus added a post in a topic Is this a boys' club?   

    Hey SabreCat, nice to have you here!
    I'm writing in this forum since august last year and never experienced anything of the things you described! I know that we have some women journaling on this site and the response has always been very polite and constructive! You can check that yourself if you read some of their journals. I also know of a lot of married guys or guys in a relationship on this site, so pick up thing is not in the focus.
    As far as I can say, GameQuitters is open to every person. Just take a look at some of the videos Cam has made. They are all about supporting you on your way to quit games and improve yourself.
    I'm absolutely sure you will find a very positive and supportive community here that will be glad to support you on your journey.
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  6. Fagus added a post in a topic 21/M; Looking for accountability to keep projects going   

    Hey Hitaru! I saw that your journey led to lots of ambitious new goals. That's great! But now I don't know if I'm the right person for you.
    I don't try to become a professional at anything and I'm almost a decade older. Other than that mentioned, I'm still struggling with my addiction and I planned to take part in Mad Pharmacists 1000 days challenge where I am supposed to get something like an accountability partner. 
    If that is not an impediment for you, we can still try. Sometimes it can be favourable to work with someone who is quite different. If not, that's fine too. After all it must be someone that feels right for you.
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  7. Fagus added a post in a topic The Purge   

    Man I really love your journal! The way you write is so authentic.Your list of achievements is really impressive. Looks like you're on the right way. I wish you just the best, keep going!
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  8. Fagus added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Hey Csaba, nice to have you here. I really like the title of your journal and how you implemented Nietzsches mustache in that picture.
    How did you manage to write the Ü, since it does not exist on your keyboard I suppose?
    And why are you so interested in german philosophers? I even found a quote from Kant in your signature.
    Makes me as a German quite curious ;-)
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  9. Fagus added a post in a topic 1000 DAYS ACCOUNTIBILITY   

    Ok, but do you restart the 1000 days timer then?
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  10. Fagus added a post in a topic 1000 DAYS ACCOUNTIBILITY   

    What are we going to do if one of us has a relapse?
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  11. Fagus added a post in a topic 1000 DAYS ACCOUNTIBILITY   

    We have 11 days left. What do we do until then?
    At the moment I am thinking about my goals in these 3 years.
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  12. Fagus added a post in a topic 1000 DAYS ACCOUNTIBILITY   

    I'm also joining. I feel that I need these 1000 days to get my life back on track.
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  13. Fagus added a post in a topic Serious doubts about NoFap   

    What destroys your brain is neither sex nor masturbation. It is endless consume of pornography. Just try masturbating without any porn. You will notice that it is quite harder this way.
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  14. Fagus added a post in a topic Serious doubts about NoFap   

    Porn is cancer, masturbation is not. 
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  15. Fagus added a post in a topic Fagus' journal   

    I had a relapse. I played the last two days.
    During the last weeks I thought a lot about a life without gaming. It seems terrifying to me, because "life" is a long time.
    So my new approach is to stop playing for the next five days. I'm sure I can do that. This is a much shorter time that doesn't scare me.
    I found out why I play games. It is because I am scared of my life. Gaming is my safe haven. So for me it is important to improve my ability to deal with my life and reduce my anxiety. I don't find it hard to quit games. There are so many other interesting things in life I could do. But at the moment everything scares me off. I don't feel like I can handle my life. So I play games where I feel safe and everything is simple.
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