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Pigeon

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  1. Again, hello together! It's been almost 5 years. I'm still Tom, but now 24 years old. While things around me changed, I sadly can't state that for myself. I'm studying computer science, due to my problems not really successfully though. Gaming is once again, but not the only obstacle I'm facing right now. My current problems arise around everything that's able to give me a quick dopamine rush. Therefore it's pretty easy to summarize my last week: Videogames. Binge eating. Porn. On repeat. I also notice a lot of OCD-ish (not diagnosed) behaviour around washing hands/contamination throughout the day that really is bothering me for over a year now. Something that I certainly have to get checked by a doctor. While knowing (and feeling) how bad and draining those activities are for me both physically and mentally, and the reason why I'm back here writing again, is that I can't stop destroying myself. I'm pretty sure those activities are nothing more than very unhealthy ways to cope with underlying problems I don't wan't to face. I feel like I haven't become more mature at all since I posted here first, like I'm acting a lot more childish than before. Comparing my current situation to the one 5 years ago, it's certain to say that I got even worse and miserable. And it's also certain to say that I will get even more worse and more miserable, and possibly crash at some point, if I'm not able to turn things around. I just can't waste my life away anymore. I can't continue being that irresponsible. I really can't and don't want to. So what now? I mainly want to get back into journaling. To explore what's going on in my head in order to see what really is going on with me. I want to hold myself accountable at least for that. Thank you for reading.
  2. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 33 If I think about gaming it doesn't feel like it was a significant part of my live. There are less memories. Now there are thougths about life.
  3. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 19 Again there are fast changes between ups and downs. Sometimes it feels like I don't know who I am. But I'm not willing to stop moving forward. I've started to order the chaos inside my head. Always when some negative thoughts appearing in my head, I speak to myself: "This is only a thought. This is not the reality." Because it makes no sense to speculate all the time about what negative things could happen. I also banned my TV out of my room.
  4. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 15 Yesterday I was at the cinema with lot of friends I didn't saw a long time. I have to say, it was something completely unusual for me to go to some event in the middle of the week. But it was very nice and felt good to see all of this nice people again. Day 16 I'm starting to look less seriously on life. I mean, not in a bad or irresponsible way. It's more like the amount of pressure I always imposed on my shoulders is getting smaller.
  5. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 14 Two weeks since I stopped gaming, sometimes it is kinda scary how time is rushing. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed of what thoughts are jumping up and down in my head. There are so many opportunities, things I can change in my life. But thoughts are only one part of success. If I'm not ready to take some serious actions in and for my life, then there won't be any results.
  6. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 13 Today I got something better than a filter for some sites like youtube. If there is a desire to go to youtube or to browse, I ask myself: "Do you really want this? Or is it just your mind looking for some extra stimulation? Will it get you any further to the person you want to be?" If I do that with seriousness and honesty it can be powerful. There is a big difference between just having goals and to really want to reach that goals. Thanks Cam!
  7. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 12 At the moment it is no problem to do without games or Let's Plays. But, often I catch me watching some other videos on youtube or searching something "important" in the internet. I think there is some simple solution for this problem, tomorrow I will install a filter to block the sites.
  8. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 11 Instead of gaming all night I spent this evening sitting outside with my family and watching the sky. It is kinda fascinating to look the stars and into the space. Problems on earth (and mine) seem very unimportant in view of the endless sky. I think I will build up the telescope the next days.
  9. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 10 I reached a weekend after 5 days of school. Normally I would spend this time by playing or watching some games. So I have to find some activities next to homework to not get bored.
  10. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 9 Already I was on the mood "No, I'm too depressed to write in my journal". But I think it is laziness. And it wont get me any further, so I forced me to write at least something, I will not break the chain. Since yesterday I thought about social anxiety. But, I couldn't find some good reasons why I should be anxious in present of other people. But it is still a part of my everyday life. I can talk to others, but there is always a voice in my head which is telling me "don't make something wrong, don't say something wrong, be nice to everyone". I will make that to my next task, to fight that over-cautious voice.
  11. Pigeon

    A new way

    Already Day 8. I'm getting more effective in doing my homework. I realize it is not that hard to get some more time for myself. There is a new game outside I awaited some weeks ago, and today it was very chellenging to not watch any let's play of the game, but I resisted. I also started my "english word book", every time I see a word I don't know I write it in that book with a translation. Maybe it will help me to improve my english, and to get away from google translate.
  12. That is something amazing I also like, to slow down in this fast times and to see some more details.
  13. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 7, yes! One whole week. At the moment no part of my body, not even my mind wants to go back to the games. I know, that enthusiasm will change in some situations in the future, but I'm very optimistic. Also it feels like some inner tensions released the last days. I'm less anxious while sitting in school or walking outside. And I just want to thank you guys. I know, I'm not a very talkative person and have some problems with sharing my emotions. But it cheers me up every time I see someone has liked my journal or commented on.
  14. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 6 of detox. My mood is getting better, I'm happy that I made it 6 days in a row without games or gaming videos. But, school has startet again and there is already a lot of work to do. I'm also very thankful that I found this community. Since I started with that journal I'm feeling more responsible for my life.
  15. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 5 I almost was outside all the day so there was no time to think about games, and it was relaxing. I enjoyed the day because tomorrow starts school again, there will be less time to work on myself. So I planned to save my schedule in a calendar to get aware of the free time I will have.
  16. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 4 I read the study about cravings and withdrawal symptoms with much favor. It is very nive that the topic of gaming addiction getting more and more attention. I try to just accept these symptoms and let them come and go, and to take my focus to other activities. The last days I was thinking about me and my view on this world and wrote down some thoughts. I realized that I'm a person who is very ingestible/suggestible to any kind of stimulation. So now I'm thinking about to also stop watching TV and masturbating.
  17. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 3 was very unexciting, and unproductive. The whole day there was anger and exhaustion in my body, but didn't exactly know why. Just found some interesting speeches of Alan Watts on Youtube. But I also noticed me browsing mindlessly. I'm gonna to meditate again before sleep to calm down a bit.
  18. Pigeon

    A new way

    It was very hard to dont move for 10 minutes, but i will continue that, the instructions of headspace are a nice help. I'm thinking about improving my english skills, it could be useful for the future. And also I really want to learn a instrument for a long time (we have guitar and keyboard) or to start to learn how I can producing some simple electronic music (actually love DnB, but no equipment), I only must overcome my laziness.
  19. Servus, great to have you here!
  20. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 2 is almost finished, without gaming. Again I got up at 5.30am, and there was sooo much time to do something. Of course, first I cleaned up my laptop and phone from all games. Now they are really empty, kinda scary. I also unsubscribed from any gaming mails and stoped to watch my loved Let's Plays. So after that there was much time that wanted to be filled with new activities, I draw something and took some deep breaths outside of my house. The emotions in my head are crazy, it feels like my brain spins all the day. So I gonna take some minutes for meditation before sleep.
  21. Day 1 / 3. August 2016 Alright, it's still hard for me to write down and telling others something about me and my life, but it actually feels good. So, yesterday I didn't play any game, but I start my journey today. I've got a lot of ideas and things to do in my head. Today I woke and got up at 5am in my holidays, a nice feeling. Last night i decided to get me Respawn, so I'm going to read some sites today. Mediation is something I need again, too. Also I have to draw something today, there are a lot of crazy pictures in my head that want to be drawn.
  22. Pigeon

    Day 40 Relapsed

    I like that you move on again!
  23. Alright, Hello together! My name is Tom, 19 years old and living in Germany. After three full days of playing games on my laptop I'm really disgusted of myself. It feels like the last days only were a couple of minutes, past away so quickly. While I'm playing my head freeze and the thoughts are like heavy stones that wont move. If I'm going to bed I my head still think about the last game, the pictures still in front of my eyes. But there is always the inner voice, knowing that something went wrong, day to day. I playing games during a long time, it feels like since I was born. I think there were also involved in my depression last year, but that's an other story. Now I'm again on that point, knowing I have to stop gaming. Several times i tried to stop taking that gaming-drug, but always I've lost the battle against the tempting videogames. I'm really sure I have to fight that addiction, otherwise the games will destroy me and my social life. I mean, I have my whole life in front of me, I do not want to spend most of time the next years living in a virtual wonderland. There is one year left in school, but I've no ideas about doing after this time. No hobby or passion that makes me happy, it's really empty inside of me. So, I'm here to meet some likeminded people who knowing the topic. I really want to make this my last and successful fight to get my head back in reality, and for now I'm hardly motivated. Thank you for reading this and have a nice day!
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