"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."
Leyla added a topic in RelapseHard Relapse but how to Detox with a potential gamer S.O.!?So I did my quantum leap and uninstalled a few weeks or not even two months ago... I know my journal is here somewhere and I have to go write in it and vent and just get my yaya's out for being a failure again and again... But my issue here is, I really dislike gaming. I REALLLY want to quit and i get nauseous and lot of anxiety when i start that login process knowing this isn't want I want to be doing but the thing is, what happens when the person you are dating is a gamer?
Logic says, don't date a gamer!!! which yes, is one avenue of a solution. Other part (probably womanly emotions) says, well it's really me that needs to quit cuz the gaming isn't affecting this person. They got their job, outdoor hobbies, enjoys cooking, etc.
It's so so hard because after watching a lot of Cam's videos and reading people's struggles and suggestions, I think what hits the hardest is yeah, I AM going to face a lot of flack for it and lose a lot of friends. Hell, i sent this site to a few people and they got really angry and started defending gaming, which wasn't even my intention to attack but ask for their support and clearly now I know who has 'common sense' which isn't so common... hurk hurk....
But yeah, this is a struggle I am having and though I have toned down my gaming, probably log in and force myself not to do anything and log out after about 2 or 3 hours, I know this habit is just negative because these companies are soo good at pulling customers in with gimmicks that i know I'll be wasting more time when I have to get my thesis done and want to actually have real world results from things i do: ie. rock climbing, cinematography, learn how to dj, pick up oil painting again, master my leathercrafts (yes i am a RL leatherworker lol) and etc. etc. etc.
And my biggest guilt of all this is in teetering on this dilemma, I feel I've neglected my own health, family and friends, I've become less sociable, lost too much weight, and developed anxiety and stress from this. Just really lost right now and trying to focus on my academics currently but miserably failing. ^^;
Almost Rock Bottom,
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Leyla added a topic in Daily Journals🌠Ｔｈｅ Ｆａｌｌ ｔｏ ＬＩＭＢＯ☆彡 「A Rehab Journal by Sylvia」"Negative point eleventeen confidence and motivation to get out of this metaverse."
said the girl with hair as black as ebony and skin as fair as snow,
but she was no Snow White.
"Limbo" by Sylvia C. (Photoshop CC)
For months now, the homo-sapien lived in the same disarray of a room as it had been for over two years. Perhaps even more since it did not matter where she lived, that chaos and unkempt environment was the comfort of her mind. One would not dare to come upon the use of the words, "mental issues," but if we were all honest, everyone has their sh**. So everyone was a lemming, therefore it was okay she was one too. It was okay that things happened in her life and she was not strong enough to deal with those issues. Everyone said it was okay. Everyone said, "We're only human."
When did this start? Why could she not stop? Why was it shameful? Why did it feel bad? Why did she attack others who gamed as well? Why? Why? WHY? Having a hypersensitive mind from having anxiety disorder connected everything. Everything was connected to everything was connected to everything. If it was raining, oh it was because it was sunny the day before. Why? Science. No, really, why? Don't ask, I've moved on from that conversation.
Sylvia was not a good person. She was not a kind one either. She thought being sharky and over-confident was attractive. Living life carefree and barely finding work was okay. She had enough savings somehow, to burn it all away through weekends of firewater and unsightly mating ritual dances at these places called, 'clubs.' And even then, even after all that 'living' in the real world, socializing and making friends, working on school or trying to discover what was the easiest job to land, even after everything, the metaverse called to her. The urge and craving was not a facade but it was denied on the forefront. Never did she admit to being a gamer in front of anyone, and if one would check every fortnight, one could be sure Sylvia could be found in her single bedroom apartment in the foggiest city of her land, simply dallying around within the metaverse.
This was nine years ago.
This creature- this hominid- not even worthy of being titled an entitiy, had less worth than a meat hog growing on a farm. Even the amount of chemicals and firewater going into her bloodstream would render the hog on a FDA organic level. She was disgusting as a creature. She was disgusting as a human. She was not a good person.
And she knew this.
But it was hard to get out. It was oh so easy to stay in the comfort of her living room, single bedroom, and cooking area. Her living mate had moved out in search of a subletter here and there which allowed Sylvia to freely move about and do and act as she wished. There was no one in the world who could tell her to move on, move forward, and make something with her life. She was as good as dead, as good as the men who came back drunk as the oldest story in the book goes, as good as the girls who pretended to simply ask for a light on the corners of 45th, as good as the suits who would walk by you and smile, telling you, "Hey, do you want to go skiing for a pretty penny?"
This all could be another sob story but oh, it gets worse. You see, this setup begs for one to question, how or why could she be so comfortable? The questions that dare to be thought, that logic would command to vocalize: "Did she work? How much did Sylvia really game? There are worse people out there, this person simply had a bad hand in life probably. But then not enough of the story has been told. Why was she comfortable and dreadful? The mention of gaming seems hardly relevant at this point. Obviously deeper issues are at hand."
Yes, so very correct indeed but the explanation would be to come at a later point. Sylvia was at a cusp of many dark auras and life situations. She would come to experience the consequences of escaping into the metaverse time after time again. She would have to fall. Very very hard. Below rock bottom. Harder than any man can imagine, before reaching up to climb again. This climbing wouldn't move her forward but, it will always be the first step for anyone finding themselves a worthy purpose in life again.
And so, in the third umbral year of this journey within the disarray of the same room - and no not hell, for even Lucifer would not be compelled to meander through a path as this - in this third year, her guardians forced a hand against her deck. There was much she knew she had to improve, and change, but though this was not a trigger of deeper cravings to stay within the metaverse, this move most certainly propelled her further into escapism.
I know I am weird but I could not bring myself to tell my story or journal in first person. It felt easier talking about this other person... perhaps a lot of people are aware of what I am going through. At the same time, it was very nice to sit here for an hour and work on something different. To write. My hobbies in real life are actually old-school calligraphy, leather-working, and digital painting as you can see above.
My problem is I blow a lot of steam starting new projects and then get bored and tired quickly and revert to gaming. I hope this does not happen while I am here. It is my biggest weakness and flaw.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you all for also choosing to climb up to live life.
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Leyla added a topic in Start Here + IntroductionsHi, I'm Leyla, scared, nervous, full of anxiety but NEED TO QUIT GAMES!Dear all you awesome people crawling down the same road as little old me... >.< Thank you for being here with me.
my little blurb on myself is a good nutshell of why i need to quit. But perhaps like everyone here, yes, I need to quit because i WANT to live life... I calculate and imagine how much time we spend sleeping in a year... wow, i have half, give or take, a year to 'live.' Then how much time i spend eating/showering/toileting/working... even LESS time to LIVE. The weekends.. i have my chances there but 'escape' or procrastinate and i'm sure you've all had that saturday where you're trying to be good and NOT play an online game even though you're logged in. To me, I thought that was 'being good.'
Well, I guess here you can call me Leyla and I want to quit gaming. I want to become a doctor or physician's assistant, and I am pretty sure you wouldn't want your doc/PA to be gaming when they're supposed to be learning about the correct symptoms to diagnose and etc. lol~
Nice to meet everyone and thank you ahead of time for the support and I hope I can support everyone else here too. !
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