SirTot

Geez, I'm really falling behind on these journal entries. A lot of it is because the past few days have pretty much been the same routine, and I haven't felt like there is anything worthy of updating the journal about. Day 17 I'm doing pretty well. There hasn't been a lot going on. I've been busy with work, and I've been socializing a bit more with co-workers. I feel more open and I can express myself to people more which is a wonderful feeling. I've been spending a lot of time working on a personal digital painting project over the past several days. I must admit that I haven't been exercising as much as I would; typically because I've been devoting most of my spare time toward my project. I'm really anxious to finally call it 'finished' so that I can move on to something else to challenge myself. I decided to slowly apply for jobs - maybe 1 or 2 a day if not more - so that I can slowly combat my anxiety toward looking for career-based work. As I work on my projects, I begin to realize that I really do have the potential to be someone in my career field... It's just that I've wasted so much time playing games out of fear of success, failure, and responsibility to the point where I've forgotten my own integrity and talent. Things are looking up slowly.

Yes, I have that book as matter of fact! I read it a long time ago, though. I should give it a second read.

You've got a lot of great stuff going here and on your DA page. Don't ever stop!

Pretty tiring, honestly. lol Didn't get around to write a journal entry yesterday. Day 13, 14 I've been dealing with anxiety when job hunting. I always have conflicting thoughts whenever I'm searching for work in my career because I'm always thinking back and forth between whether or not I qualify for the jobs I actually want to apply for. I was placed in a pretty bad mood during my search, and by the time I had to leave for work I didn't end up applying to any of the jobs I looked at. It's pretty stupid, but I guess I'm just dealing with confidence issues when presenting myself in front of people in an interview. The opportunity to make a difference in every way that matters in my life is shrouded in fear for no real reason. I'm going to break through it, though. I've been practicing my artwork, and I'm beginning to remember that not only am I talented in different areas of digital art, but I'm slowly getting my skillset back as I continue practicing drawing/animating. A lot of my time outside of that has been spent working overnight and being tired for much of the day, so nothing eventful has happened. I'm all finished with the overnight shifts for the week, so I should be able to get back to my typical routine. Today I came home from work early in the morning, slept for a while, woke up, got a haircut, and spent the rest of my afternoon digital painting and animating my projects.

Many thanks. Day 12 Today's entry will be short since my day has been uneventful. Had a couple of storms pass through today, and I'm wiped out from the overnight shift last night. I'm still in the middle of adjusting my sleep schedule for tonight and the following days. I honestly haven't felt like doing anything, and I've just been relaxing at home. Watched TV, listened to music, tweaked my animation a bit, and surfed the internet. No relapses today. All is well.

Day 11 I'm a bit late for yesterday's entry because I'm now working an overnight shift for a few days this week. I had a couple of relapses into porn yet again. To be honest, I haven't let it bother me as much, as my day has been productive outside of that. I admit that I did not get out of the house aside from working over night, but I was very proud of the animation I put the hours into and created yesterday: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzmBdlG9Pmg It was a passing idea I had at the time, and upon commitment, I went to work on it right away. I was watching the VFX reels of The Force Awakens and thought how awesome it would be to create a chase animation in 3D. I started by using a simple flying saucer-shaped piece of geometry as a placeholder for a ship, but then I remembered the Millennium Falcon and Tie Fighter models I created many years ago that I never used for anything. I found out a way to import them and went right to work. Many hours later, after deciding to commit to an idea as opposed to procrastinating through gaming until I forget the idea altogether, I created my first 3D animation that I can present to people for the first time in many years. Since I began detoxing from gaming while connecting with supporting people in the process, I've begun to realize just how much I've neglected myself and my career goals and replaced them with the guilty, unhealthy pleasures of non-stop gaming during my spare time. It seems that my urges to play games are gone. It is a passing thought to me that perhaps, despite all of the hours I've wasted in playing games, the stronger addiction this entire time has been in pornography. I will say this, however: I've definitely had an addiction to gaming as well, and perhaps I've finally come to the understanding that it's a complete time-waster. Detoxing from gaming and joining these forums has motivated me within a week or so that gaming is truly not a valuable hobby in my life anymore- especially since I've realized that so much of my time and potential has been wasted, so to speak. I know that I am a very talented person who has so much potential to have a lot of great things going for him. To realize that I have been the opposite, and knowing that many other people in this world are going through the same issues has inspired me to realize that this addiction is more real and more serious than I ever understood it to be. I found it astonishing just how quickly this game I had constant urges and thoughts into relapsing over become completely boring and useless after a week of detoxing from it. I will not deviate from my journal entries or from my presence on these forums, as I can still relapse someday down the road. Many times have I fooled myself into thinking that I don't need something because I've done without it for an extended period of time; and yet I end up relapsing back into it at some point. The 90-day detox is still a goal of mine as much as my career goals are. Everything goes hand in hand, and I'd rather stay committed.

I hardly ever considered gaming to be a stigma for me. Of course, there were a few people that probably didn't think too highly of me being a gamer (my father, for example). The only time I would feel shamed of gaming is when I would spend entire days playing games, turning off the computer/console late at night, and realizing that I blew away my entire day doing nothing productive. I never felt resistance from people who knew I was a gamer mainly because many people I knew were also into gaming or digital art related to video games/animated movies. I guess I always felt that gaming was a passion of mine and a career pursuit- not just a hobby and a time-killer. I wanted to do something productive with my interest in gaming, and since I found groups of people at college and online friends who shared such interests, the idea of gaming being a stigma never crossed my mind enough to truly care about what people thought. My mindset was always "this is just who I am."

Honestly, the only thing I liked about the game was that it was a very action-oriented game. You can literally run, slide, jump across rooms and off of walls while shooting and hacking and slashing swarms of enemies. Games offer me the feeling of being empowered in a fictional sense. That's one thing I've always loved about games: You can assume the role of anyone and feel badass from it. I've loved being immersed in games for that reason. Outside of a few friends I'd play games with in the evenings, I never really consider the social aspect of games. I typically preferred playing by myself for my own sense of immersion.

Day 10 Okay, Confession time. I reinstalled Warframe today and decided to jump into a session. I did it for two reasons: 1) Because the urges are getting worse every day 2) Because I want to know what it feels like to play a game after detoxing for a period of time Now... Warframe was a game I was absolutely addicted to before I decided to join the forums and detox. Hell, it IS the reason why I decided to detox. At one point I played the game for 10 hours in one day. After a 90-minute installation, I loaded the game up. I then cashed in on bonuses I received while offline, checked out my pet that matured while I was offline, and claimed items that were being crafted while I was offline. I was all set. Ready to go kick ass with new variety from the hard work I previously put in before I decided to detox. I was all set for getting a good taste of what I had been missing, and what I had been craving. Warframe is a very fast-paced game which requires a lot of concentration and a lot of button-pressing. As I was playing during heated moments in battle, my hands and fingers gripping the controller felt reluctant. I didn't want to invest myself into this. I was telling myself as I was shooting and slashing up the bad guys that this is just a pointless game. The obsession which led me to spend numerous hours on this game at every free moment of my days had disappeared. I quit the game, uninstalled it once again, and shut off my PS4. I don't care to return to the game anymore. I only played the game for 30 minutes, tops. Not once did I actually enjoy playing. Not once did I think that anything I was doing was worth my time. In fact, everything felt pointless. There is no real goal and no real motive to throw more of my life into this game. I realized that I am ready to move on in my life away from gaming. So... I don't know if this is truly a case of relapsing. While I did reinstall and boot up the game, I did not return to obsessive behavior. I quit the game and uninstalled it in 30 minutes of playing as opposed to wasting numerous hours. Perhaps I did it just to get a quick fix in... and maybe that's all I needed. Perhaps I haven't shown myself the strength to quit gaming altogether, and I am still vulnerable to relapsing. Perhaps this really is a relapse and I'm reluctant to call it that. Can anyone please give me some feedback as to how I should interpret what happened today?

Thanks, TheJan. You mentioned you had to change career paths- what are you doing now? Do you still practice music at all? Maybe you should continue it as a hobby if you don't already. Since you're trying to detox from games too, you'll have more time to focus on other things including hobbies. I believe that sometimes people do great things not just from dedicating 6+ hours a day, but doing it because they enjoy it. Who knows- maybe you can be involved in a good gig someday and you won't have to set foot in a university. I often draw characters or portraits (particularly women). I enjoy using black ColErase pencils or graphite pencils on regular paper for traditional art. I've been trying to shift permanently into digital art with a Wacom tablet and Photoshop. I also picked up piano at community college. I took a year off of my regular courses to pursue all of the piano classes and a couple in music theory and history. It's a hobby of mine, though I admit it's something I don't practice enough. My sight reading is pretty terrible. lol

Yep, I have the app on my phone. I just started using it. I'm still looking for interesting events in the area that I can attend. Day 9 OH MY GOD I WANT TO PLAY A GAME SO BAD RIGHT NOW. *BANGS HEAD ON DESK* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Sorry. Just had to get that out. *takes deep breath* Anyway, today was pretty good. I didn't relapse into porn or anything, which is a big plus for the day. I'm starting to understand how socializing with people is important to me. While I was at work earlier this morning before the store opened, there were very few people in the building with me, and I typically work by myself. At some point I was in a pretty bad mood about a half hour before the store opened. I was thinking about how things have sunk between me and this girl I've liked there (the same girl I mentioned in a previous post), and I was feeling pretty bummed. Eventually as I was walking toward the computer department, one of my co-workers who I don't know greeted me politely- kind of like I was a friend of his. I noticed a few minutes afterward that my mood had shifted. I was feeling a bit more positive. It was enough for my spirits to be lifted. I then saw my friend Dave who works in the gaming department. He knows that I'm detoxing from video games (unthinkable, according to him), but I still like to talk about video game-related stuff with him, so I had a pretty good conversation with him which went into all sorts of things. At this point, I was feeling great. I felt open and social toward other co-workers and customers, and the issues I was dwelling on in my mind suddenly disappeared. It's a shame that the girl I mentioned didn't arrive to work before I left. I was feeling confident enough to talk to her about things and try to sort out the confusion from what happened. Despite the fact that I'm not employed at a job that I'd be interested in for a career, I feel a little grateful that I am working at a retail store right now because there are a lot of people there between co-workers and customers, and I'm starting to look at it as a potential social experiment while I'm detoxing. After work, I've just relaxed, watched some Netflix, practiced drawing, went out for a jog. I'm happy that I jogged a little further today than I usually do. The game Warframe is just calling out to me right now. I'm staying strong, though, while keeping my mind and my activities focused elsewhere whenever I feel the urges.

Many thanks Rick!

A lot of it is typically boredom, loneliness, and curiosity. For me, intimate experiences have come very few and far in between, and that's why I relapse. I really need to find a way to get out more and find people that I can socialize with.

Day 8 *SIIIIGH* I've relapsed into porn again today. It's been tough lately with all of this crap going on in my mind. I had no idea that porn would be the bigger problem during my detox efforts than gaming. Now I know. Alright well... let's get to the better news of today. The day wasn't bad otherwise. I did a lot of drawing/color practice and went to the park for a walk. I was going to work out by lifting weights today, but my friend promised he would come over sometime in the afternoon and he never got back to me. I ended up sitting around at home for much of the day since the weather has been a bit off. That has been my mistake this whole time. I really need to find some out-of-the-house activities to do. Something that I can attend that would allow me to socialize with people. That would help me get my mind off of porn and other things I would relapse into. I have never been a big fan of Prince (not that I don't like Prince, I just haven't invested all of my attention toward his music), but I was sad to hear that he passed away yesterday. I began a portrait project of him. I only have the line art done for the most part. Tomorrow I will add in the values. There is this artist Stanley "Artgerm" Lau I have been following for the longest time, and he creates superb line artwork before he adds color to his digital drawings. I tried to mimic his line art since line art is something I'm not used to. I think it came out okay so far. There is still some more work I need to do.

Thanks for your feedback and your advice, Primmulla. Pornography is indeed a terrible addiction- one that I have struggled with just as much as game addiction. During my detox, porn urges have been on my mind more than gaming urges. It is hard fighting them back, and I already have relapsed once already within my first week of video game and porn detoxing. Over the years I certainly have noticed the negative effects pornography has created in my mind and body (including the ruining of one's intellect, self-confidence, sense of self, and determination to succeed), and I struggle to deal with it even at this moment today because I've just relapsed into it a second time. I agree with you that pornography is the worse addiction. The reason why I am trying to detox from gaming right now is because pornography doesn't take several hours for me to get my fix like gaming does. When it comes to my gaming addiction, I can sit down with a controller and blow away 10 hours of my day or more. That's a lot of time and a lot of activities I am blowing off. Not to mention my life hasn't been very productive lately, either. I'm not living the life I want to live, and the reasons are both hand in hand: the combination of both video games and porn. It's one after the other, and if I relapse into one, my mind will begin to consider relapsing into the other. It's these one-two punches I've been dealing to myself over the years. It's hard, but I have to try detoxing from both. Despite my relapses into porn, I have been drawing and pursuing other activities more than I used to. So something is definitely changing... I just need to pay greater attention to what I'm doing and develop a greater sense of discipline.