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Nightfall

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Everything posted by Nightfall

  1. Hello everyone, Despite the somewhat desperate title, I am not feeling THAT bad. But it has come to a point where I can't do much because of it. A member had recommended me a very good book on willpower, however I'll need something bigger : I struggle with organisation, time planning... As far as I can tell there's several big things that keep getting in the way. For example I find something to do, to focus on, then I work a bit on it... Maybe a few days or a week after, something else interesting pops up, which then replace the project I had. In the end nothing ever gets truly done as I can't progress enough before the current project get replaced. What can I do about that ? Thanks in advance.
  2. Okay, thanks for the advice Cam. I was somewhat expecting that jumping to an opposite wasn't a good idea. Falky, yes, this was a long time ago, maybe it stopped me from suicide or drugs or whatever, but now I'm strong enough to deal with the though stuff. What you say about not giving meaning you can never lose it's completely true, it's in fact similar to something called the Growth Mindset (a term coined by Carol Dweck, she wrote a few book on that and it's very powerful). I did relapse a few weeks ago, but instead of seeing it as a limitation of who I am, I want to see this as an opportunity to learn more about myself. Why did I relapse ? Why now ? Etc... as far as I can tell, it's because I haven't dealt with the problem seriously, that there are very important things in my life missing... things like hobbies for example. I need to make social situations an opportunity to cool down, when I'm not trying to improve in them. Games never existed 50 years ago, yet people still managed to rest, to have fun, etc. So I must try new things. Deal with the core of the problem. One being with delaying gratification, which seem to be common according to one of the videos. Already did a few research on that, but accumulating information is easier than using it.
  3. I'd say as long as you make games to progress, it's okay. However if you start to code to make games, they would be an issue. Find out what work for you. I'm studying in that field, and making game was just a way to lie to myself, a way rationalize. There's a lot of other things that can be made with programming.
  4. It was the reason I relapsed definitely a few months ago. It felt like I would be doing something, creating something. Yes, there's a lot of creative potential behind games, but there are several problems. If you want to make good games you need to play a lot, to know what is being made in the industry, to have a way to see your progress... however as you pointed, jaylajkosz, it's hypocritical. You're contributing to the very problem you're trying to escape from. It's somewhat why I didn't felt very good in giving or selling some of my gaming stuff, it's feeding someone else addiction. If you want to make good game, people need to stay in them. Them being fun is not subjective, it's scientific : the "funniest" or at least the most addictive games are those who constantly praise you, gives you goal, make you move "forward" (in the game only)... there's all the positive reinforcement, all the sick things like Skinner's box... Work in CS ? Yes. In development ? Yes. In games ? No. I might be wrong, but as far as I'm concerned this apply completely to me.
  5. Thanks for the support. There is always the possibility of relapse, so by "last attempt" I'm not saying that I'll half-ass it and go back to games if it doesn't go well. I believe I'm sick of them enough for it to be my final (successful) attempt. Trust me, I've spent enough time on games to don't want to go back there anymore. Thanks for worrying about that, my decision will always be to stop games and I'll make sure of that. Cam, I've read quite a few of your blog posts, and I'm wondering, how do you manage to focus on something and spend 16 hours a day to improve in it ? When you played you kept improving, and when you wanted to make more friends you mentioned spending hours to learn how... I want to learn new things (Arduino for example) but I'm more the polar opposite of you in that I don't really practice that much. What motivates you to spend so much time on things ? If I started spending 16h on hobbies I will quickly catchup and become very good at stuff.
  6. Hi everyone. The name's Nightfall, I'm 21; I've started playing game since I was a kid; my first game was in 2002 or 2003. Gradually, they started to have more and more power in my life. They started to become a coping mechanism with the shit I was dealing with at the time : bullying, lack of confidence, self esteem... I spent somewhere near 10 000 hours in them. The biggest one was a MMORPG, and I wasted too many time on it... the only positive thing was that thanks to it I'm very good in English as long as you don't give a fuck about accent. But then for 10k hours I'd probably could have gotten more. So why is it my second attempt and last attempt ? The first time, I was half-assing it. I had other issues to deal with. So I had relapses, and I didn't deal with the real consequences of it. And it being in my life for over 14 year it wasn't going to be easy. I made friend thanks to video-games. I live thanks to them. If I know so much about some stuff it's thanks to them. But then, I don't have any friend. There's that guy I talk with sometimes but I rarely ever see him. I didn't do enough to deal with the problem and I had huge binges. The truth is I was never a hardcore gamer, I played maybe 2-3 hours a day max (except in holidays, where it was maybe closer to 14 hours). I never missed school because of them, even though I failed classes because of them. I might as well tell my whole story on that. If you can get easily triggered, skip to the next paragraph. I gradually moved from Transport Tycoon, Rayman 2 and Expandable onto RuneScape, which I estimated took me 5k hours. Then games like FEAR 2, Left 4 Dead (1 and 2, despite claiming I'd boycott the 2), some indie stuff like World of Goo, then COD Modern Warfare 2, MineCraft, Supreme Commander Forged Alliance...Bioshock 1 and 2, Prototype 1 and 2, man, so many hours wasted... Half-Life 2 and probably a tons of other games. Also the Sims 2 and most of the so-called addon. I wanted to be somewhat chronological but it doesn't matter. Fast forward 3 years ago : I have a huge exam approaching which will decide if I pass or not and if I will be able to continue my studies. I used to have good grades, but that was when my parents made me do my homework. Then a year they stopped any kind of effort on that. I continued school without issues (getting less involved into it) for two years and started falling behind. Then there was that year I failed. Paradoxically it was also the year I did a lot of thing regarding self-improvement. I wanted to get a GF, I succeeded but I could never keep them. My life was a fucking mess. Yet I didn't do anything about games. I managed to get a few friends, but it was short lived as I lost them all for various reason. I want to change my life. I'm into computer science, but I want to cut myself from games, completely. To get out of it. I've wasted so much time, I could have lived so much things if it wasn't for those games... So hopefully I'll stay here as much as needed. I'm going for the 90 days at first, and I'll see how well I do. Thanks Cam for this place by the way.
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