"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."
Smoked Beef's Activity
Smoked Beef added a topic in RelapserelapsingHello everyone,
the time of the exams is over, and there is a good chance that I failed two of them. I didn't prepare for them nearly as good as I could have.
So how did that happen? My old gaming friend (I hardly have another common interest/connection with him than gaming) was skyping with me and I watched him play some mass effect. I didn't cut contact to him though I knew I should have. We then agreed that we would game together after my exams. He somehow noticed, that he couldn't find me on Origin. That's because I've had my account deleted. When I did that last year I felt a great amount of relief. But what happened three weeks ago is a shame for me: I told (basically lied) to my "friend" that I had no idea what happened and that I contacted the support and they wouldn't know either. The support contact, so it seems, didn't do enough good of a job deleting my account, so my account showed up twice in the online battlelog (the old one, and the new one I created in hope of getting back my old progress in battlefield). In the end it seemed weird enough, so my friend believed me.
I then created a new account and bought everything I previously had to play the game with him again...
So the past three weeks I didn't do a very lot for the exams and thought about the day I would play this game again...I mindlessly browsed the internet and it was hard to focus on anything but gaming in general. Last weekend I played the gamewith him well into the night. I'm deeply disappointed by myself, because I wanted to make everything right this time I'm studying again. And now look where I am.
I don't even know why I even care about this "friend" at all. He doesn't seem to give a f*** about talking with me except for when he has done something cool, has a new job or he needs somebody to dump his emotions when something mean happened to him. I tried telling him that I'm an addict but it seems I was not direct enough or he has not the capability to see it.
He'd always be like:
,,no stress, university comes first"
And that though I wrote him that we „seriously need to talk about gaming concerning our relationship“. At this point I'm just very very angry. I absolutely have no intention to answer his whatsapp messages but to block him forever, no matter if he's pissed or doesn't get it. In the end there is absolutely nothing to gain from this "friendship" in the long term.
And additionally, I got sick on sunday and because I'm too tired to learn for the next exams I continued gaming till today. I'm installing battlefield and origin and unistalling them again and again. And I feel like crap because of the amount of money I waisted (graphics card, new copy of game etc.).
Sorry, this was more of a rant, I know. But now I'm feeling a little bit better. Just right now I made a demand to blizzard support for deleting my battlenet account and I'm trying to do the same to my new origin account and the steam one.
Thanks to everybody reading this!
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Smoked Beef added a topic in Daily JournalsSmoked Detox JournalHello everybody!
I'm happy I finally got myself to start this detox journal. In fact, I started the 90d detox seven days ago and immediatly ran into a wall. Moving away from the computer is incredibly hard if you have to work fourty hours a week with...well... a computer . Okay, I realised two years ago that I have serious problems. Good thing is that I know what's lacking, bad thing though is that I basically am caught in a dead end that is this safe zone that video games gave me over 15 years. No quick load in real life I guess....
Alright, my goals for the next 90 days are the following:
Embracing to be engaged in hobbies and activities: Usually I seem to be interested in new activities (currently the astronomy club), but when things get serious I tend to back away and hole up in my safe zone - that damn computer! That needs to end!Social skills - that's one if not the biggest issues of mine. I'm very shy *blushes*....huh, ok, that needs to end as well. I want to be a self-confident person. And a girlfriend would constantly drag me into reality. I'll try to improve on that. Shifting my focus to my goals in life: This is not only the most crucial but also the most urgent one I need to achieve, otherwise I won't get my bachelors degree and that damn language certificate that means so much to me. I also feel that accomplishing this one will make me happier than fulfilling the other ones.I've started drinking recently because I couldn't handle my problems....this is bad. That's why I'm combining my 90d detox with the aim to stay dry for 90 days!Okay that's it so far, I'll update this journal every two weeks. So, whoever is interested can take a sniff of how I'm beating the detox or the detox is beating me
I also want to thank Cam and the community! I've been watching the Gamequitters videos the past ten months and finding out that I'm not alone with my problems, that there's is this big international community of people helping each other in their struggle with this addiction motivated me to climb out of that dark hole I was stuck in. Thank you guys for that!
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Smoked Beef added a topic in RelapseMy background and relapse :(Hello everybody!
Uhhh, this is going to be a longer post, so be warned! I would have posted this in the Introduction category first, but I think my background and the cause for my relapse are strongly connected - I hope it's ok for you guys this way
Ok, so who am I? I'm a 24 years old student from Germany. I've been fascinated with video games from my childhood on. Since I've always been a social underdog, video games have filled my social gaps and needs. In my youth I had little social contact with people other than my family. Over time, I grew accustomed to the safety of those imaginery worlds video games could offer: There is no danger or risk, I could always load a quick save, restart the level or whatever. A fear of taking real action outside of my 'safe zone' developed that left unable to act self-determinedly for a decade or so. As if that psycho stuff wasn't already enough, physical problems also made a greeting ...from my 18th year on I suffer from tinnitus, first one ear, than the other. I guess that's due to little physical activity and the inability to cope with stress in my social enviroment. That became worse and worse...I also still find myself not being able to concentrate on tasks: While reading a book for example, I can't make it through one page without drifting away completely.
Alright, so much for my background ...
So, when I was 22 years old I began to comprehend that I was in fact an addict, one of the very bad kind, I guess. I knew if I wouldn't get rid of video games forever, my life would go down the drain even more. All the people I knew though, were gamers, and they would tend to influence me not to quit gaming! I can't even estimate how many times I heard dumb phrases like "common, just half an hour a day for your friends!", or "I know a teacher, even he has time for an hour of gaming on the weekend!"....blablabla. Fact is, if you tell an alcoholic a beer a day works, you're...well.....stupid?
Whatever, one day I couldn't stand my desperation any longer and needed to do something. Uninstalling games is one thing, but the possibility to play games again was ubiquitous. I didn't have the will power to sell my gaming rig yet, so I disabled my graphics card by loosening a few capacitors on its backside. I know that sounds really dumb, but it was an old graphics card anyway. So I couldn't game for the moment, but I ordered some graphics cards over time and started to game. I have always sent them back, though. Whenever I started to game, I just felt - well - 'dead' is the best word to describe it, I think. In april 2015 I finally managed to sell my gaming rig! Puuhhh....I have about three moments that I consider the best ones of my life - and that was definitely one of them! I didn't have a lot of social contact in the following summer but it was easy to stay clean thanks to the great weather. Unfortunately, in September the days got shorter, the weather colder and I got depressed again. Guess what I did...bought a gaming rig again! I thought maybe this time I could get along with video games in a better way and I really needed social contact. Getting in touch with the old gaming friends was pretty easy since we had a common hobby. So on the way back home from an old gaming friend of mine, who helped me putting my rig together, I realised what I did and just thought:
All that struggle for nothing - damn! So, the current situation is:
- I got rid of the graphics card (no, I dind't break it this time!)
- I need a PC for private use since my notebook is reserved for university stuff, but the current system always draws me into gaming because it's suited to that. It's made of such high quality components though....
- I joined an astronomy club as a hobby and for social contacts. Not only do I work on my bachelors degree, I also have an important English certificate incoming in June.
Ok, what should I do? Maybe you guys know. Should I sell my current computer and maybe buy one that is not specifically built for gaming? Personally I think I'd feel better then, although I'd lose some money.
Also, I'm sorry for this very long post. The last few days have been quite shitty, but sharing my experiences with you guys makes it a little easier.
Thanks for reading, if you made all the way here . Looking forward to your tips and answers!
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