"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."
Ashley K.'s Activity
Ashley K. added a topic in Daily Journals90 DaysDay 1:
This is hell. It should come easier since I've relapsed, but it hasn't. It feels just as hard as it did numerous times I've tried to stop.
I've become sleep deprived because of it. Along with that came forgetfulness and I know that I have really good memory but I can't remember a simple password. It scares me.
I keep trying to rationalize and rationalize playing, but there is no getting around it.
This is where I must begin.
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseLong time no postsMy last post I saw was back in December. Relapsing is sneaky. It hits you when you least expect it and when it does you either fight it or give in.
I gave in. Bought games since then up until today. Had a discussion with my mother a couple of days ago during my gaming binge and told her that my addiction came back.
She told me I need to quit because one day Ill wake up and realize my life has completely passed me by and I'll end up neglecting my children completely.
So here I am, typing while my new baby boy stares at me cooing and smiling at me. This is going to be tough even though I've gone through this before many times. It just feels like
each time I quit it gets harder, not easier.
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseThis relapse is the last straw2016 hasn’t really been great except for when I had my son back in November, I was ecstatic.
But ever since I relapsed, night after night since then I tried playing. I kept trying even when have been sleep deprived for awhile now. Whenever he sleeps, I play when I should be getting my rest. I kept saying to myself that I can limit the amount of time I can play but I know I can’t.
A week ago when it was around 3 AM, my son started to cry because he needed a diaper change. Of course, I got frustrated because I was being interrupted. At first I was pissed off and then realized it was idiotic of me to get mad at a baby for doing something natural to let me know something is wrong. I felt so guilty and stupid for feeling the way I did. I let it go and just continued to play later on. Now on Christmas Eve, I feel like it was the last straw. I played some more while my mother has my son while I was supposed to rest up. I ended up taking the Xbox and moving it into storage because I knew I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing or else I’ll end up making myself sick from sleep deprivation or god knows what else.
I don’t want to say that my New Years’ Resolution is to quit gaming for a whole year, amongst other things even though it sounds good. It just seems cliche. But Im not knocking the idea away just yet. A lot of things have to change or else its going to get worse.
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseHmm...Should I make a new post here just to mention that I relapsed?
I did relapse, though lol.
I had my son on November 10th and I came back home from the hospital on November 13th and I've tried to play while I've been back. It's tough. With the around the clock breastfeeding, lack of sleep and then trying to play when he's asleep it just catches up with me every single time. There are times I have played for a full 2 hours until I start getting sleepy, then I look at my newborn son and start feeling guilty about playing then I just get off and hold him until I fall asleep. A really good friend of mine stopped playing video games. He said he only plays when his girlfriend wants to play, other than that he doesn't play at all. He said they don't feel the same like they used to anymore. So now he goes to the gym, works, goes to class, rides his bike everywhere, reads, basically enjoying life. I told him about my struggles with video game addiction and he said that I should quit also because it's worth it. That life brings more to the table than video games. I told him that I felt like this was a losing battle for me and Im just going to end up playing like I always do, but he believes in me enough that I have the willpower to stop playing.
It's nice knowing I have a friend who believes in me also. Besides having the support of everyone here and my husband supporting me also. Right now I'm just trying to take it easy and enjoy one day at a time. We will see what happens in the future.
My 5 year old and my newborn son
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Ashley K. added a topic in RelapseYeah...I think it's funny how quickly I relapsed after coming on here almost a week ago to say that Im back after my relapse and yet I relapsed AGAIN for a week.
I honestly believe at this point that I don't have the willpower to quit playing. I've played for so long that it feels like its engrained. I still play for long periods of time, but then when I get upset with whatever game I'm playing, I get off and I don't go back on until a couple of hours later or when my husband gets off the computer. It's literally 3 days before my C-Section and my son has a cold and I still play. This must be the most shittiest thing I can do. Continuing to play while my son has a high fever of 102 and my second son coming soon. If that's not shitty, I don't know what is.
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Ashley K. added a topic in Daily JournalsNew BeginningsDay 1:
I posted yesterday about my relapse and everyone here and on reddit were very supportive.
As you all know, usually when you're a gamer and you play MMOs or MOBAs, you tend to run into toxic players and those players talk trash to you and bring down your morale. Just overall making you a negative person. What's bad is that over the years I've become negative about almost everything. Even things that are positive I turn into a negative sometimes. If I see someone I know succeeding in their life, I make up a reason to shit on them behind their backs because it's not me. Im even negative about myself. I was before in my old journal. Sometimes it feels like I can't see the light of day and everything is dark where nothing will work out for me and only the lucky ones are the ones who get what they want out of life.
Funny how gaming that is supposed to be fun, bring positivity and interaction with people all over the world, ends in negativity.
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