I'm back home and I don't feel like doing anything. If I were to do anything, it would be either gaming or watching porn, but I don't wanna do these two. I also don't really feel like it. I guess I'll go to bed.
I couple of days ago I made the simplest tracker, it was just about not watching porn for 7 days, and I stopped trying after 1,5 days. I have been trying for so long I lost my faith that I can ever do it. That I can ever get the life I want. But I want to have it. I want to be able to run again, and be able to work out as hard as I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can make better progress with the workout, have more energy, sleep better and save my joints. I want to meet a lot of new people and have a satisfying social life. I want to get good at studying and be on the way to getting a doctorate. I want to learn as much as possible and understand the world. I want to read a lot of books and be able to veiw reading as a pleasure instead of a kinda chore. But I keep failing. Giving up actually. I wonder if I could ask my dad to help me. He's an alcoholic and clean for 11 years. But I'm afraid he won't understand. And I'm not at all very close with my family.
I'm studying. I'm actually studying. Well, it's actually more like chilling and reading some stuff for tomorrow's project. I'm writing here now because I'm already getting some cravings to get back to playing the game. I'm already imagining what I would do in it and so on.
Woke up at the chosen hour (noon), now I'm gonna go with the partial morning routine and then I guess I'll start preparing for the project. Seems like the day is already more or less planned. I hope I won't relapse to porn. And I'm not thinking at all about what come after I inish the work.
So those three days were pretty great, but today I kinda just ate junk food, watched porn and played video games. I deleted all the games just now, even though it's not gonna do any good. I'm just at a point of not caring right now. And I feel stressed out again because I have a thing with high school students at 8am on Monday and I have a lot of preparing to do - and I haven't done any of it yet. I told my friend I would be ready this evening, which I obviously wasn't. Yesterday I went to sleep at 10pm, and I woke up at 11am. I just feel... angry.
I've been keepeing busy since Wednesday. The thing is, I just had two projects to do, and I didn't have time to play video games. I started caring about hygiene and ate pretty well. I kept away from porn by leaving for classes several hours earlier than I had to. I was also waking up early yesterday and today, because I had a lot to do. I sill found a lot of time to waste on the internet, but it's better than nothing. I'm going to leave for classes in half an hour and then work on one of the projects. Tomorrow I guess I'll start working on another one. I was also wondering what to do tonight, between classes and sleep, so I think I'll just stretch and work out a little. It's been a while. I resigned from one of the projects a couple of days ago, but yesterday a friend asked me to help her on Monday. So that's another thing I'll have to do for the weekend.
I'm empty. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I have two group projects due one Friday that I havan't started yet. I feel like my life doesn't matter without other people's stories. I need to be immersed in some story like a book, a movie saga, a vlog, and when it ends, I feel empty. The one that would never end could be my life. But I have no idea how to make it an interesting story. Nobody wants to read a story about a guy with no friends. I'm always putting stuff off for later. And then my room is a mess, I don't have clean clothes for the next day, I'm dangerously overdue with work on school projects, other projects I simply give up. I did that yesterday after a long time of being inactive. And I feel like leaving the entire club altogether. I wanna go bowling. I wanna go to dance lessons. I wanna be able to run again. I feel like my life would be so much better right now if only I could run. If I could work on a marathon, or just take a quick jog every other morning. The next run would be something I could look forward to. Right now I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to.
@hycniejsy, @Piotr, @fil? You guys are the only ones I know of. I'm thinking about traveling a little, so I thought I might as well meet some of you. Probably sometime during the summer. I'm in Wrocław myself.
The day was pretty good. I had social interactions with about 6 people, I've decided to not care about my looks and felt more confident about them, I read a little, payed attention in class, trimmed my beard and hair, and now I'm gonna meditate. I didn't even have time to game, but I had one urge when I got back from classes. I ate pretty well, though it was mostly pizza and pizza-like stuff. And potato chips with candy for dinner, but those were leftovers. Now I'm gonna meditate for 15 minutes. I don't know why I feel good, but I do, and it's all quite easy now. I wish I felt more neutral.
I didn't do almost any of it. I spent the entire day playing a game, which I just deleted. I felt like people from my family were bothering me. Tomorrow I have to meet on of them and I really don't want to. I hate myself. I want to live and I'm going to, but it doesn't mean I can't hate it.
I've got enough of starting over and making plans. But this is what I just wrote on a small piece of paper at 1:30 in the night:
THE GREAT PLAN for March 5th (morning) MeditateMake bediumTake medicineTrim beart and back of hairTake showerMake breakfastWash dishes(the rest) Wash all clothesBuy lightbulbGo to pharmacyCheck out what to prepare forRead Star WarsReorganize living spaceCheck phoneThrow out all garbageI want connection, social life, satisfying relationships, to do cool things with cool people, to be in the sun, to be passionate to the point of forgetting about the world.
I want all this to keep me occupied tomorrow, and the bottom thing to keep me motivated. I'm not deleting any games because there's no point.
AA are all over the place, there should be a group going on at any given time. I'm in a group for sex/porn addicts but I don't go regularily. It's only once a week and I have classes then. Another group is a couple of times a week but I don't like it. I generally don't like this kind of thing because it makes me depressed. I gamed today. Damn it! I missed a day of meditation because the site was down! I mean, I meditated right now, and the streak is now 9 days, but the site doesn't know that I count days differently. So now it says one day. Anyway, in a couple of months it won't be making a difference.