"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

Hitaru

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About Hitaru

  • Rank
    Veteran
  • Birthday 09/09/1994

Hitaru's Activity

  1. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    @Marquess Whoa man, you can't even begin to guess how anxious that thought, the possibility of falling into yet another codependency, makes me feel. I've been stressing myself over it again and again; every little detail adds to the sum. I'll give you the latest example:
    I spent yesterday with him after a surprise visit the night before to cheer him up (he has a problem managing anxiety and indecisiveness and life has recently put him in a crossroads). We crashed his home with his parents sleeping, cuddled and slept together, and then spent the next day (yesterday) in a really lovey-dovey standard fashion. It left me satisfied but emotionally exhausted. It seems emotional exhaustion it's a thing even for positive emotions, I didn't know. I neglected my responsibilities and he confessed me
    The mix of putting aside my stuff and potential infatuation on his part made me panic. I don't want to commit, but I don't have any reason, rational or emotional, to fight the flow. The guy is nice, I like him, he likes me and we care for each other. What am I getting so upset about?
    Beyond ended, and I have a new resolve to keep my stuff going, specially with this newfound emotional support. An improvised flash piece of erotic prose I wrote for a contest was chosen to be published among others. My name in a book for the first time, woo! Guess I found proper inspiration for once...? 
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  2. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Somewhat, sometimes. 
    ------------
    "I lost all my momentum", it's a phrase I'm sick of saying. I relapsed on NoFap, I'm slacking in my commitment to the Beyond group when I was most illusioned and motivated, I've been failing on my habits and eating poorly, no one in my closest circles will support my decision to try the military and I've been feeling lost and alone for the most part. 
    I also entered a relationship with a man.
    Wait, what?
    Yeah... somehow, some complete idiot I met while doing a test run on Tinder decided that I was charming to his eyes and I had no choice but reciprocate; very intensely.
    It wasn't something planned in any sort, and "burdening" myself with a serious relationship was certainly not in my short-term goal list. But I was feeling lonely nonetheless so I downloaded said application everyone was talking about and gave it some swipes, for science and whatever else might develop, expecting some cordial fling or, much more probably, nothing at all. A failed 150 km radius search for women was about to confirm my suspicions until, after a whole week, embarrassed but hurt in my ego, I decided to take the leap and try the men's section. My hometown being a bit isolated, 20 km. would do.
    Of course it blew my mind. Matches were raining down on me and I was completely overwhelmed. Believe me, I didn't swipe right more than 10 people and got 7 matches, all really interesting people (at first glance at least), and all my preconceptions about myself suddenly shattered. I was so used, all of my short life, to get kicked, patronized, and being considered a plain weirdo by the generality of the female gender. Always taking things for granted and treating people as if they were sparing lives or giving audiences in a throne room. Here, they won't even fill out their profiles. And they all looked the same.
    With men, I didn't have any kind of experience, no one ever hit on me, but again I was also told that I didn't give out the "vibes" or did publicize my liking for them broadly, so that was to be expected. I was simply busy trying to be friends with anyone in my ultimate very own DIY asexual experience. Too straight for guys, too homo or "unmanly" for girls, and a bit weird to boot. Or so I thought. Once I dared to put on myself a big rainbow signal, figuratively, everything changed. And amidst all this confusion, I met him.
    I will spare you the more sugary details but we connected immediately. It's funny. He's been what I would call much more successful than me, having finished a really hard career and leading a straightforward life so far, and yet we seem to share some elemental fears on what to expect next. And a shared fear of intimacy as well. Whatever worry I have, he understands perfectly and has always the right, most loving and supportive answer. And whatever problem he might be facing, I somehow happen to know the ideal reaction, don't even ask me how I manage to pull off such empathy. With him, it just works. With him, I'm not a mere robot, and that's much more than I could ever say about myself. So of course, I had to go an fall for said idiot since he almost seems blessed with an unnatural knowledge of my inner workings and what makes me tick emotionally when the time calls for it. So, I'm young, healthy, studying (sometimes -_-) and in love.
    And of course, it's happening. The more I'm getting closer to having a normal life, the more resistance my body is putting. Despair can't work without hope. All this improvement is but a slim speck of hope necessary in order to smite me, utterly and definitely. That's what some that twisted part of me wants to think. But I will have the last laugh, oh yes. Despair and pride are an explosive combination. 
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  3. Hitaru added a post in a topic [NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)   

    In my personal experience, keeping this assumption as a constant in your life is an exaggeration (as you're also realizing), but in the times that it will actually apply, even if much, much fewer than (we) tend to believe, what's the point in being paralyzed with worry and fear? The best you can do is keep your boundaries flexible, but strong in your red flags. Be open to know people and connect with them, but don't allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone whom you have realistic, specific reasons to distrust. It's both a science and art, we're all trying to learn the perfect balance in some way or another. You know I'm not a big fan of white coats too, and yes some things in the therapeutic protocols may seem childish or pointless. As a broad process trying to cater to a broad spectrum of people, the implicit idea is for you to take whatever you find useful for yourself, filter your own tools for recovery and growth. It can be a real pain, but all things considered I believe you're in the right place. Stay safe and take it easy, you're doing awesome man.
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  4. Hitaru added a post in a topic Special characters in the editor for non-english users [REJECTED]   

    We'll leave it open as an interesting but not urgent addition then. Thank you for your work.
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  5. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Nah man, not yet. 
    I'm busy with the group to keep posting on a regular basis, but I lurk often and generally speaking, I'm making improvements in my routine. Sometimes. One or two good days, two or three bad days, rinse and repeat. At least now I'm aware of the cycle. I need to develop some strategy to counter it. 
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  6. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    >gossiping about me in my own journal
    Welcome back @Marquess!
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  7. Hitaru added a topic in Archived   

    Special characters in the editor for non-english users [REJECTED]
    Suggested by @KDY. Letters and accents of every language. Members' contribution welcomed!
    • 2 replies
    • 79 views
  8. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    BEYOND side notes #1:
    After 3+ weeks of consistent research on my moods (with the help of an app called Daylio) I think I made a first breakthrough. I discovered my natural pattern is a cycle of 2 good days followed by a cycle of 2-3 indifferent days. I'm tempted to say bad days, but I'm currently experiencing my first funk since I started keeping a record, so I discovered the hard way that it can go worse. I'm currently faring just slightly better, slowly. Also, there's been a lot of good little things with the power to brighten me, such as good tasting food or my cat being all lovey-dovey that I wasn't aware of before. I was expecting a terrible result and in fact I discovered I'm much happier, statistically speaking, than I first thought! That's encouraging, to be honest. I'm also more aware of the time, the lot of time I spend doing nothing, but it's the price to pay, and pay it will do in the future. 
    All the emotional work and inner reflection we're doing is also starting to show off. I feel more connected with my friends (my family is probably beyond salvation ) and I'm much more in tune with my feelings.
    [I'm currently researching something in this regard, something I wasn't expecting when I first started the program, but it's ultra-secret until I have more tangible results. But it involves human interaction. With potentially several test subjects. Thrilling!]
    It's been a while since I made one of these, so here we go:
    I'm grateful for:
    1. @Mhyrion. Love ya sis!
    2. The confidence my theatre background provided me. I want to delve more into that.
    3. My family, despite everything. They are not bad, our values are just too different.
    4. Being able to eat what I want, whenever I want, with a bad time digesting as my only limit. I might have been binging on obese people documentaries a bit too much.
    5. Having commited to go to the gym. I lost my momentum when I felt sick and right after I felt into this funk, but I'm itching to return.
    6. A dear friend feeling better about his life lately.
    7. The people that, despite my tendency towards isolation, still want to reach to me.
    8. The opportunity that @Cam Adair gave me accepting me in Beyond, and his endless support thus far. I'm also grateful and happy for your recent gigs on TV, awesome job man!
    8.1. The trust Cam still bestows upon me, despite all my half-promises, my many faults and unreliability and that I'm taking so fucking long to recover and get a life running. The guy must have seen something truly special on me or he must be in awful shortage of spaniards. Probably both.
    9. This community, and relishing on the fact that a sort of generational relief happened without everything falling down to pieces... yet. Go new people!
    10. Being closer towards reaching my goal of finding my goals, one day at a time. I might sound restless these times, but it's just because I feel I'm grazing it with my nails.
    Extra: Being able to think on a list of gratefulness without much problem. Normally I couldn't have been able to think about more than 3 items.
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  9. Hitaru added a post in a topic Mhyrions journey   

    ^.^
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  10. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    A steep hill ahead, but surviving. So much to do, habits to be installed. I won't say anything yet to prevent my brain from getting the reward, but things are rolling so far.
    Vets keep leaving, and since I don't check on the newbies my journal gets lonely, heh. Well, a price to pay for having to put the focus on myself the time being. I just hope to return in full force soon, a new, better, more helping Hitaru. Small steps.
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  11. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    I write down my goals for the day in a list and cross them, but I need more consistency.
     
    -------
    Not much to tell since these days have been basically failures, but I purchased "A Man's Search for Meaning" and I'm currently reading it. Also, Beyond group call in a bit, it will be good.
    It's been so, so long since I read anything, and with such enthusiasm. Curiously enough, I feel related not to the examples of success the doctor points out, but the failures. I imagine myself being one of those prisoners in a hostile, unforgiving world, having abandoned all hope and lost in a pointless quest for rationalization and comfort. After all, isn't life a prison? There's no getting out of here alive, and, same as prisoners beaten up by foremans, we will receive the eventual punch, kick or perhaps torture by chaotic, unforeseeable forces. Frankl describes 3 stages in the psyche of a prisoner. I can see myself pictured in an uncanningly accurate way as part of the first mindset. I guess there's only one way forward, advance towards the second. Dull my feelings of dread with short and middle-term purpose. Will liberation come someday? Ah, who knows, that's well beyond my scope. Heh, it's not like no one else ever has ever asked the same thing, right? Welcome to Humanity.
    Good mood despite the bittersweet realizations. With the positive energy of the call and possibly extra feedback of some professional online counseling I recently entered, I have good expectations for the upcoming week. Let's not jinx it, gents.
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  12. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Good day yesterday as well. I skipped all the evening sleeping, but made lots of things in the morning. Now I'm procrastinating again, but after this post I should begin my new day. I already ate a healthy breakfast so the most annoying thing of the morning ritual has been dealt with. I also purchased some pills for my anxiety-induced stomach unrest, so that should not be a problem or excuse anymore. 
    I called to a good academy specialised in public service exams. Apparently the next calling for Armed Forces is comming really soon. I don't have any kind of confidence that I could enter this time but there's hope that there will be a second*. Worst case scenario, I wait for next year and meanwhile deploy Plan B, travel the world and get life experience. All this in preparation of turning 25 in 3 years and "make time" until being able to apply for university without high-school.
    Those psychotechnicals are... dreadful. Or so I though! I did a casual first sample test with real randomized questions and got this results:
    - Aptitudes:
    1. Verbal - 11/15
    2. Spatial - 8/15
    3. Perceptical - 7/15
    4. Numerical - 0/15 (I skipped this part)
    5. Mechanical - 6/15 (I don't know the theory, I'm surprised)
    6. Memory - 8/15
    7. Abstract reasoning - 9/15 (Seriously? These ones didn't make any sense, I was expecting to have like 3 or so)
    So either I'm really lucky or have some sort of hidden talent . However that's the limit of my skill, I'll need assistance and teachers to help me get this through. 
    Do I want to get this through?
    I can't help to think it's just a chronicle of a death foretold. I don't see myse
     
    No, scratch that. 
     
    I'm scared to commit. That's the plain truth. I'm foolish enough to think I actually have something to lose. Hah! I mean, if I take the leap, I will have plenty to lose. I don't want to be discharged with dishonor, that wouldn't be a subjective opinion like dropping a course, but an official stain in my profile that would last forever. That's why, if I take the step, it's all or nothing. I think it's time to apply some Cam lessons here:
    - Do I think this is what I have to do? Yes. My mother doesn't (I tentatively discussed the option), but I do. Come on, me, it's just two years, what's the worst could happen (besides war and a gruesome death, which strangely enough doesn't bother me). Yes yes sure, you have so many alternatives. Come on man, what are you doing with them? I'll tell you what, fucking nothing that's what you're doing. Stop behaving as if you were making a mistake, keep doing nothing is the damn mistake. 
    So this is the plan. Eat well, exercise, study in secret, pass the examinations and one happy day, announce it to my mother with one foot already at the doorstep. Why announce something that might not work at all, only to receive discouragement? Harsh but practical.
    I can't help but think I'm straying away from my original goal of becoming an actor. But when I was in that I couldn't help but think I was straying from my original goal of being a politician. AND when I was in that I couldn't HELP but THINK that I was straying from my original goal of being a translator/writer. You know my honest opinion? I could do all that in one lifetime. But for fucks sake I need to start with something, ANYTHING. My lack of discipline is disturbing.
    To Hell with it. I'll begin to listen to that little voice in my head all cocksure crazy and self-assured. Usually when that happens some people start saying things like "arrogant" and stuff. But... they are not me. And look where we ended by trying to make everyone contented. No, no, it simply doesn't work. My mistake was double: trying to make people understand me and trying to live according their expectations. Now I know better. If I don't say anything, I could for all reason have the most selfish motives (if that was true to begin with), but people would only see things getting done. There's a difference between sharing your experience and the feelings that led you there, and mere justification. If someone wants to know, I'll be happy to discuss with them, as I'd wanted to have a helping hand in my times of need. But enough doormat-ing.
    I wrote this before...  Maybe the thousandth time is the charm guys.
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  13. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    @hycniejsy Well well, leave it to the impatient ones...! Here you are mate: "How to Quit Playing Video Games in 60 Seconds" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0DGBfnPpxY

    (I warn you though, is not a 100% literal transliteration, I'm quite proud of it, I think I was able to grasp the concept without skipping info and keeping with Cam shiny-star-induced speed )
    -------
    Good day yesterday! I didn't do anything special, just go to an appointment (bad news, my teeth are a mess orthodontically speaking), hang out with a friend and pay the first fee of the gym (now I'm financially committed, gasp). I had my first Beyond-related Skype call with @Mhyrion (a self-confessed reader of this journal, heh), and we reached some useful insights. My mood is not the best, but things seem to be going fine. I should learn to take it easy(er) and let life just flow. It will flow anyway, one way or another. 
    For today, I was (and still am) delaying going to pilates and my first gym session, but I have plenty time to repent, around one hour or so. In a curious example of pasive positive procrastination, I checked on my options for the English exams. I finally learned what IELTS and TOEFL are! (and discarded them for unless I want to study or work big dollar abroad). I decided to buy the official manuals for C2 in a whim and assess my level from that point. The clever decision is to start studying beyond my level *as if* I was preparing for C2 instead of C1, and then see my real options when the time to apply arrives. In other words, being overprepared for the safest option. Geez I'm so cheeky and smart.
    [I'm-suddenly-spending-so-much-money-omfg.gif]
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  14. Hitaru added a topic in Non-English Language Journals   

    Why you should write in other languages
    This section fulfills 2 main purposes:
     
    1. Giving a space to members to be able to fully express themselves in their native language and lexicon as well as opening the opportunity to be answered in that same language in return.
    This is your chance to connect more deeply with potentially nearby people (or at least enthusiastic about your language), vent using your own swear words from back home (really therapeutic) and avoid that familiar feeling of not being able to properly convey thoughts and (especially) emotions in your "other" journal.
    (That being said, you really, really, really should have a journal in English, since you'll be able to get support from many people around the world. If your time is limited, prioritize that one).
     
    2. Reach even more people who are struggling with gaming addiction, right now as you read this.
    Having fully implemented versions of Game Quitters and Game Quitters Forums in many languages seems a bit optimistic in the present time. However, at the end of the day, it's our experience what makes the most significant impact in the fight against videogame addiction. We discuss many things in this forum and the /r/StopGaming/ subreddit. We discuss healthy habits, we discuss hobbies, we discuss living a life of purpose. We discuss unhealthy things too; sometimes we even discuss how to avoid them. But all those topics have their own fields of research, there's information available about them, places to go and get educated, about psychology, nutrition, social skills, all kinds of activities and passions...
    But our testimonies here are unique. We are the research on videogame addiction. We are the frontline. Let me ask you a question. When you decided to quit, how many fellow quitters did you know in your close circles that you could rely on for guidance and reassurance? According to statistics, you should have known of someone, or the friend of someone. And yet I can safely bet the vast majority of us arrived here by chance, after a tentative google search in the isolation of our rooms. 
    And then, we found Cam. It's not about Cam (putting aside his monstrous efforts to keep all this gig running), but when we heard about Cam and Game Quitters it was not about the man, but his story. He told us a story that resonated within us, in our deepest cores. We all thought: "Damn, this guy is throwing a big chunk of truth and fact in my direction, and it smells". It stirred our insides. Made us leap and take a first action. One single story, our story, is what made possible that we are here together. Lives were fixed. Others were literally saved. No melodrama, just the facts. The hardships some people had to face when they first arrived here and quit games were in some cases brutal. But things will keep getting better for many, if we keep this alive. 
    That's why communication is so important. A single story brought thousands of people together. That's why your story is important. Perhaps this forum and the subreddit look a bit hostile to someone unfamiliar with the language of Shakespeare, but a story can be reshaped. It can be cut, pasted, edited, formatted, translated, summarized, put into a blog, a newspaper, a twit. Wouldn't it be nice if you could take a friend, family member or acquaintance of yours and say: "Look, I know what you are going through. I was in your shoes, and so many people were as well. Here, take a look"? 

    Your story counts.
    • 1 reply
    • 100 views
  15. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    The first of many, my friend!
    -----
    Shitty, checked out week.
    Enough of the bad news. Today was the first call with Cam in the Beyond program. It's simply amazing. I had heard about most of the things we discussed before, even translated some of them in Respawn, but it's astonishing, the difference in impact that can make things just read or watched in a generic youtube episode than things said directly to YOU. The same things! I always distrusted "coaches" and the sort, and yes many of them are still charlatans, but I think today was a great breakthrough and the beggining of something important, even if I still don't know what it is. But probably, the first step towards that BIG thing I mentioned before. I can't wait to keep going, a sensation I have not felt in a really long time. 
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