"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."


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Everything posted by stablish

  1. stablish added a topic in Daily Journals   

    Detox starts right now
    This is my first try ever writing a journal and basically I wanted to write about my detox when I first entered the forums here, but the addiction got me back, but after realizing how much time I wasted into gaming today is the day.

    As I already stated in my Instruction post I have wasted so many hours into gaming and after taking a break and thinking about that exact topic I realized how bad it is.
    Why didnt I take the step and wrote earlier here?
    Well, my addiction got me and I downloaded a few games and started playing them again, especially Path of Exile. I started to watch streams, read about different builds, read about Patches, Items, played hours and hours, overnight till the morning to 6-7am, slept, ate a bit and started Path of Exile again with streams.
    The same goes with Rocket league. I have wasted 430 hours into this game already and for the most part I play with a IRL friend, I know him now for like 13-14 years, but we never had a "best friend" relationship. The last years it was basically a "hey, I have an issue/problem with my PC, can you help me out?" and since I am the guy who likes to help I was like "yeah sure"… everytime, last year he asked me "hey wanna go out and drink something?", that was the time where I thought "Oh nice, we start to do something"..While we were at the bar he started asking about a new PC, he wanted to buy a new and what I would suggest him and if I could him build a PC… Well, I said "yeah, sure, that will be fun", so what he did there was basically exploit my good nature for his own advantage, but as dumb as I am, I did it and after I built his PC we had no contact for like 2-3 months I think. Then I told him about a game which could be fun playing together (Rocket league), he bought it, and we play it now since then.

    We had up and down in the game, gained ranks, lost ranks but all in all we had fun, but never met again IRL.

    He is also that kind of guy that when you tell him about your problems his answers are mostly "well, screw it, can't do anything".

    I dont know what kind of relationship that is, but… I can't take any advantage of it, because we only play games together.

    So today, better said last night I was thinking about all these things and came to the conclusion: It is better to neither play games with him or have big contact with him. When he asks to play some Rocket league I will decline and telling him that I have something to do which needs to be done first. I don't know if thats a good way and how long I could go this way, but at first I think it will be fine, until I can tell him the truth - But I am not sure if he will understand, but first me and my problems then him.

    Alright, how and what I am going to do to keep me busy and don't play games?

    Well, my eBook library is huge with all the topics covered I want to learn, which I gathered over the last years, aswell as plenty of Video courses with all the topics, additional to that I have bookmarked hundreds of blogs and sites about my topic.

    I know eBooks aren't perfectly fine, but since I am low on money I would say it is a good alternative and a good start.

    The topics are:
    Networking (The whole topic, how is X working, why is Y working and what the hell is going on at Z?)Information Security (I was in that topic, stopped it because of games, but getting back to it won't be hard for me)Security at all (BIG and huge topic, RFID security e.g. I have an Arduino with an RFID Reader module which I bought already and used once, so I will get back to that aswell, going out to banks and find skimmers, report it to the bank (I already found a vulnerability at my local bank on their homepage and got in contact with them a while back, went good) Malware research (which I already got in aswell and made some blog posts about it and reported to various big Anti-Virus companies) Application security, Server security, Windows security, etc.)Lockpicking (Already bought a little lockpick set a while back and started it, stopped it because of… gaming…Interesting topic for me, even though I never needed anything related to it, but I kinda like it, because of curiousity)Working on my scripts for windows and linux (mostly servers) which I already started aswell and never got them to be doneDo more with my girlfriend (almost 4 years, yay!), watching movies, going out, talk with her, cleaning up the rooms together, etc. Bascially keep the relationship going, even though it is hard sometimes (she has depressions/BPD).Visiting my family more, especially my mother, she did so much for me, love her!Might to make my idea real: Creating a small business, beside my so-called "mini-job" (it is called like that here in germany)Try to get in contact with some nice dudes who also like the same topic like I do (social media, forums, blogs, etc.)Improving my english skills (I think my grammar sucks and some past tense sentences) 

    Today is day #1 of my detox.

    I have wiped my SSD and reinstalled the OS, going to install some virtual servers to play with and going to download a exploitable virtual machine from vulnhub and try to exlpoit it. Maybe I am also going to start reading a book (or at least read the book I already started) and refresh my networking skills by looking into my old memos) and last but not least: washing the damn dishes.

    Thats it I think for today.

    See ya all!
    • 1 reply
  2. stablish added a topic in Start Here + Introductions   

    Feeling wasted, mental issues (?), just looking for help and advices
    I am currently 29 years old and I feel like I am wasting my whole life time with gaming.
    (Hope my english is fine enough to understand)
    This all started like 10 years when CS:S was pretty hyped and go-to shooter on the internet.
    I played this game every day, when I started to get better at it I looked for some clans/teams and tried to make friends, found a team then and I spent even more
    time on it since I was the team-leader, so I made some tactics for the team, downloaded some tools with bitmaps from the maps, etc. 
    Every evening then my team and I trained the tactics and we played some random 5's (I think at this time there was IRC still a thing. cuz we mostly looked there), after
    all the up and downs (best we did was ESL Amateur league) the team broke we bitched at each other and I looked for another game.
    Then I found LoL (League of legends) and this was the time where I noticed something changed with me - mentally. First half year or so was fine, but then
    as soon as I got better at this game I started to rage at my mates when they did a mistake, same here - some up and downs, I couldnt get climb the rank because I was too bad and raged too much, so I quit it.
    Went then straight to Dota2, but not for long (1 year or so), after Dota2 I found PoE (Path of exile) because I wanted a game where I am on my own and some kind of a no-brainer, so PoE was perfect.
    After that I went to DayZ Mod (ARMA II) for a few months.
    Since I wasted to much time in gaming I noticed "gaming is such a waste" so I quit and focused on my real interests: Web Security and programming, beside this I kept learning 
    at PC Security at all (Repairing, malware analysis, reverse engineering and so on).
    I deleted all the games and focused on all this stuff, learned it, read books, followed blogs, decent guys on twitter, started to hear podcasts, tried to learn more about electronics and so on, until last year at around august.
    I found Rocket League then and made plenty of hours within a short amount of time, I read about how to get better, watched youtube for mechanics, watched and followed streamers and tried hard to get better.
    Until today...
    I have like 500-600 hours in rocket league and still can't get better, instead I still rage at my mates when they do one little mistake withing the first seconds of a match start, when they rage back I rage back at them, so it is like a little kid fight.
    Also I am still not really that good at this game but can do some decent moves, anyways, today I noticed after loosing like 7-8 matches in a row "wtf I am doing here...raging at random guys who might be laughing their ass off and they are happy when they triggered me", so.. I googled and found this.
    Here I am.
    That's it for my gaming "carreer".
    When I had the "quitting time" where I focused on the real things (WebSec and Programming) I even ordered a VPS (Virtual Private Server) and started to blog about it... now I pay it, the Blog is online but I am not doing anything on it, its just another Security necro blog flying around the internet.
    As soon as I start to write something for it, gaming caughts my attention and so weeks or even months fly away.
    Without even doing anything on it.
    I cant get real work because I am either thinking "They dont want me anyways" or "My skills arent good enough to apply to this job", I do have a small, so called "mini-job" (here in germany), as an IT Service engineer, but it still feels wasted, because it kinda sucks there. 
    My boss has weird dreams about the future of his shop and real jobs arent even getting in, just small "install the printer on the customer" jobs which is mostly done in 15-20 minutes...
    So yeah, I think thats all for now. 
    If you still have questions, let me know.
    By all this writing I forgot to add:
    In my free time I am watching random streams with some older games or guys/teams doing some marathons, etc. Not only in my free time, even when I am playing, so twitch is running all day long basically..
    • 4 replies