"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."


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About stablish

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  1. stablish added a topic in Start Here + Introductions   

    Feeling wasted, mental issues (?), just looking for help and advices
    I am currently 29 years old and I feel like I am wasting my whole life time with gaming.
    (Hope my english is fine enough to understand)
    This all started like 10 years when CS:S was pretty hyped and go-to shooter on the internet.
    I played this game every day, when I started to get better at it I looked for some clans/teams and tried to make friends, found a team then and I spent even more
    time on it since I was the team-leader, so I made some tactics for the team, downloaded some tools with bitmaps from the maps, etc. 
    Every evening then my team and I trained the tactics and we played some random 5's (I think at this time there was IRC still a thing. cuz we mostly looked there), after
    all the up and downs (best we did was ESL Amateur league) the team broke we bitched at each other and I looked for another game.
    Then I found LoL (League of legends) and this was the time where I noticed something changed with me - mentally. First half year or so was fine, but then
    as soon as I got better at this game I started to rage at my mates when they did a mistake, same here - some up and downs, I couldnt get climb the rank because I was too bad and raged too much, so I quit it.
    Went then straight to Dota2, but not for long (1 year or so), after Dota2 I found PoE (Path of exile) because I wanted a game where I am on my own and some kind of a no-brainer, so PoE was perfect.
    After that I went to DayZ Mod (ARMA II) for a few months.
    Since I wasted to much time in gaming I noticed "gaming is such a waste" so I quit and focused on my real interests: Web Security and programming, beside this I kept learning 
    at PC Security at all (Repairing, malware analysis, reverse engineering and so on).
    I deleted all the games and focused on all this stuff, learned it, read books, followed blogs, decent guys on twitter, started to hear podcasts, tried to learn more about electronics and so on, until last year at around august.
    I found Rocket League then and made plenty of hours within a short amount of time, I read about how to get better, watched youtube for mechanics, watched and followed streamers and tried hard to get better.
    Until today...
    I have like 500-600 hours in rocket league and still can't get better, instead I still rage at my mates when they do one little mistake withing the first seconds of a match start, when they rage back I rage back at them, so it is like a little kid fight.
    Also I am still not really that good at this game but can do some decent moves, anyways, today I noticed after loosing like 7-8 matches in a row "wtf I am doing here...raging at random guys who might be laughing their ass off and they are happy when they triggered me", so.. I googled and found this.
    Here I am.
    That's it for my gaming "carreer".
    When I had the "quitting time" where I focused on the real things (WebSec and Programming) I even ordered a VPS (Virtual Private Server) and started to blog about it... now I pay it, the Blog is online but I am not doing anything on it, its just another Security necro blog flying around the internet.
    As soon as I start to write something for it, gaming caughts my attention and so weeks or even months fly away.
    Without even doing anything on it.
    I cant get real work because I am either thinking "They dont want me anyways" or "My skills arent good enough to apply to this job", I do have a small, so called "mini-job" (here in germany), as an IT Service engineer, but it still feels wasted, because it kinda sucks there. 
    My boss has weird dreams about the future of his shop and real jobs arent even getting in, just small "install the printer on the customer" jobs which is mostly done in 15-20 minutes...
    So yeah, I think thats all for now. 
    If you still have questions, let me know.
    By all this writing I forgot to add:
    In my free time I am watching random streams with some older games or guys/teams doing some marathons, etc. Not only in my free time, even when I am playing, so twitch is running all day long basically..
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