ENTRY #32 - DAY XX:
I've been working too much on that stupid part time job now.
Haven't got around planning next semester, I'm not getting anywhere at uni, I've lost track of where I was and where I wanted to be.
But that's all fixable... I guess, I'll just need to work harder... do more shit I dislike. AGAIN.
What's really been bugging me though, is that, despite all my efforts in my personal and professional lives – I seem to be getting nowhere and I still need to take shit from all fronts and endure stuff that I despise. I'm really aggressive, people close to me have turned into a waste of time. I see some random person on the street and the first thought I have "get out of my way, you stupid fuck", then a glare and then this rising urge of grabbing his throat and choking him - or even her, it doesn't distinguish between gender or age. It is unfounded and without reason, but my frustration seems to be seeking a target, and one of these days – I fear – the next best person will do.
I've been paying close attention to maintaining my sports routine and I'm going to my limit where I can to tire myself, but this doesn't help me relieve my anger. I listen to heavy metal, and I've played with the thought that it might serve as an amplifier for my anger, rather than an outlet, but these past weeks I rarely had the time to actually listen to any music and I don't ever wear headphones on the go as it gives me the feeling of impairing my senses but my anger levels are at their peak. I had to prevent myself from writing in my journal "I want to kill someone" for 20 pages, because I really felt like it.
Today I almost bought a NES, because I really want to play Castlevania III. I thought "yea, these kids at game quitters are all struggling with girlsy shitty DOTA crap, NES is the shit!" – and all sortsa crap to justify a purchase. I really miss my NES sessions, I could never play more than 1-2 hours in a row, because it was rather tiresome and got boring at the point you kept trying and failing that impossible level. There were never drops, or loot, there was only skill. No chances, only you and blisters on your thumbs.
This anger is my biggest enemy, it would have the power to drive me into a relapse, because I know that gaming has always been the place where I could pack it – never to come back. And when I arrived at the near end stages on Castlevania III ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J8XqDENH1Y&list=PLEFFCC6ED90E41A23&index=15 ), or when I got to the final level of Shatterhand ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=175LKhA0vu4&index=10&list=PLED35EE5076954DFA) to beat it again, smelled the chance of a complete playthru, I felt as if my two eyes were all in the world and every millisecond counted eternity. Right there in the zone with myself, by myself and not in need of anyone to cheer me on – I was self sufficient, score was my feedback and going from the left side to the right was my only purpose. It was simple and stupid – as life should me.
I've tried finding a substitute, and I've realized there is none for that. Not drawing, not doing anything with computers, not making music, not exercising and not cooking. Sure, they all help channel my "soul" and maintain it – but in the end I'm still empty on the inside. All these things just manifest me and keep me working. But there is nothing that uses me up as I want to, nothing that challenges me enough to get rid of my anger. When I pass an exam – I feel no accomplishment. Recently I've gone from jogging 5kms to 10kms – no feeling of accomplishment. I lift, I lose weight, I look like a Levis model if you chop my head off – no feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I do, I feel nothing. I can do anything I set hand on, and sometimes it surprises me that I can, but there is no pleasure drawn out of it. As if that shit was just hard coded in my spine and nothing to it really. Nothing I may feel proud of, because the moment I do I lose these skills. Women seem to be happy to receive my attention, but I never give them any – because I see a million flaws and problems with having them in my life. I see a million flaws in everyone in fact. Maybe because I'm working so hard on myself and I'm frustrated that I'm still unhappy with how things are and the next best idiot seems to be doing fine. Even though he isn't, and I know, but my frustration don't care.
Maybe I haven't looked hard enough for that passion of mine, but I feel this passive deathwish in me rising more and more, either that, or the desire to shortwire and attack someone random. I've done it all by the book and beyond. I did it all right and it's still there, my heart can't endure this shit anymore. I have no problem resisting gaming, when it comes down to reality, but some part of me tells me it's my only passion. I've been shuffling through this desert, and there's a million cans to drink called gaming. I feel hollow. I feel like I could consume this whole world with just a stare at the ground for too long.
Something good could happen to me once in a while... I mean, I don't think that way, I only believe in actively pursuing my goals, dreams and wishes but there are none. I don't give a shit. People in my life show me nothing new. Maybe I am just a bad listener... but... well I try, and I know... there is nothing new.
This phase will end like any. I was kind of hoping that writing would inspire me, but instead it only robbed me of my time and with that – sleep. Fuck.