"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."


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About destoroyah

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  • Birthday 11/21/1986

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  1. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    @Pierce Science fiction. Hah, read Stanislav Lem "The Invincible"? Of the 3 books I read in my life, it must be one of my favorites. Oh and I still need to read Neuromancer, but the language is so whack and difficult to get into! I was always more of a science fiction guy, and I've always despised the concept of "magic" in literature.
    ENTRY #37 - DAY XX:
    So I finally had the courage to tell my dad that I fucked up this semester. He was sort of disappointed but not mad, I guess he's used to it by now. This means I won't be doing 6 months, but 12 more of uni, I can't stand it anymore. But now I feel free again. It feels like last semester caught me on the wrong foot, I really don't know where I went wrong, maybe because I built a gaming PC – but honestly, I wasn't even that into it anymore. Maybe because I quit gaming, it must've DESTRUKKTED my rhythm somehow. Probably that and a million other factors I can't tell anymore, a lack of purpose and will to be.
    Listening to the first Maiden CD, still. It has a rough punky vibe to it, I really like it and it sums my mood up well. Quite youthful with a high heartbeat. Invincible, embracing the unknown. My body is developing nicely, I'm gonna wear sleeveless shirts this summer, at the very least for jogging. People complaining about my style can stay at home and watch game of thrones. Make some fanart for that and turn fat. I shit on you. My soul – or whatever I am – is free. Now that I've stopped denying my death, my failure, my destruction – the spring sun came up to greet me and cast a big shadow by me unto this world to rip some shit. I feel it isn't at the apex yet.
    I watched Demolition Man just now again, it creates the same vibe as Conan, just that the balance is shifted. It's not the Heros that are strong – but the world that is weak. Sometimes I can feel strong for that reason as a normal dude that's doing OK. Everywhere I see, I see shittiness and things or people that struck my heart with fear some months and years ago are doing quite horribly now and sucking – or I've outgrown them demons. I really don't give a fuck which one it is of the two, not like I can hang up a sign in the world saying "y'all suck". I don't get better by feeling proud and any advantage I've ever had, any greatness ever felt was temporary. So I will cherish these few breaths when it lasts and gaze at the stars in contemplation of all the forfeits I've experienced to be here.
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  2. destoroyah added a post in a topic I need help   

    You can talk to me in German if you want, just PM me, or start in this thread.
    Kannst mich gerne auf Deutsch per PM anhauen, oder hier im thread.
    There are also more German speaking members, @Fagus and @Regular Robert are On/Off active – just the top of my head. They might check by, now that they have been mentioned.
    Oben genannte Forumsmitglieder sind ebenfalls der deutschen Sprache mächtig (u.a.). Die gucken bestimmt im Thread vorbei, jetzt wo sie erwähnt wurden.
    You can also start a German journal in the foreign language journals section. This is probably the best way to go longterm, if your problems aren't acute, as all German members can provide you feedback.
    Du kannst auch ein deutsches Tagebuch anfangen in der Forumssektion für fremdsprachige Tagebücher. Ist vermutlich langfristig die beste Lösung, wenn deine Probleme nicht akut sind, da so alle deutschen Member ihre Meinung kundtun können.
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  3. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #36 - DAY 72:
    Note to self: Stop giving advice. Live examples, don't talk shit. Jealous because of the shining sun, not because of them people achieving.
    I realized that I need to stop being an idiot. AGAIN. It's this weird feeling of regret with a pinch of stupidity. And then... well even after realizing shit, you know, tomorrow the wind will blow another way, you see another horizon and you sink your ship in another riff of the same shape. You just can't help being an idiot, even if you tell yourself "don't behave like that", "don't do that" or "don't be like that" – you'll still be like that, even if you know better.
    I always got around that problem of not being able to direct the changes in my personality by telling myself "I am the sum of my experience. This world has made me into what I am, every thought I heed is an echo of things I perceived in one form or another. I am just a reflection.". It rids me of the guilt that occurs when I realize my dumbness. It grants me the ability to accept my flaws and takes away that "I must, I must, I must" urge that puts me under pressure and binds me – turns me frozen stiff in stone like by a medusa's gaze. In the end, my organism consists of more than just that inner monologue. Behavioral change is not driven by the monologue, but by a million things in a giant orchestra of chaos. By the shining sun, the food I eat and the lucky circumstance to stick my dick into a chick. The latter being a rather tasteless example, but I don't hide from my ugliness – if I undergo a behavioral change and deny a dumbass motive, that isn't going to keep me from moving in that direction and that isn't going to turn a despicable motive into a gallant one.
    To forcefully control this orchestra of factors that imbue me, to run up to each instrument player and grab their hands to play music that sounds well, is impossible. I can't be at all places in time – even if I mastered every instrument. Ruling by the sword grants no stability. Instead you need to take the role of the conductor, be appealing to the players, be aware that you are at their mercy but also that most of them have the desire to play a nice melody in order to manifest their talents in a brief moment of time. Listen to that melody and keep conducting.
    Maintain peace in my heart, look at the sky and take a deep breath. No matter what people say or think. No matter what you think they said or thought. Their minds and words are as temporary as the waves in an ocean. Surely there are big waves and your self-awareness can get capsized, but do as any captain of a small boat would, wait inside till it gets capsized again by another big wave playing in your favor.
    Every moment in life has its beauty, as does every breath you take. Even when you feel bad now, you might remember it fondly one day. You are the sum of these moments, and if you are an idiot remember that many moments will still get added to that sum and also that you aren't the one doing calculus or writing down the numbers.
    So... how to stop being an idiot? Pay attention to that heartbeat, tend it to beat slowly at all times unless you are pushing against the impossible. Only if the impossible fixes you, may you let that heart explode with full force – the impossible will surely take the whole blow without shattering, so you will not harm anyone. Maintain that slow breath, try to spend as much time in the space between heart and mind as possible, to not get capsized by their waves.
    Surely you have power to move and change, but inertia is at play, you need to place your force at different angles to get where you want to go. So it's best to keep that body in a constant rotation to grant it stability and blow in the direction you want to go. Like a spinning top.
    There. I'm a calm idiot again. Being a calm idiot is the best state I can achieve. Good!
    PS: I've really gone up in drawing and coloring old pictures, it's like videogames for me now – kind of. Still some more digging to do, but I've realized my bold shittiness is actually a feat.
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  4. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #35 - DAY XX:

    This one is called "Skatan Worshipper", a coloration/collage of a picture I drew back in 2006. I robbed the sunshine at http://www.wallpaperup.com/67838/Sunset_Sky_Sunlight.html – thanks.
    Here's the description I wrote for deviantart:

    the skateboard reads: COOL, DEAF and the skeleton is wearing sunglasses, like its blind.
    An odd joke no one can understand. It's a pun at "death is blind" and "deafblindness" and being blind to death.
    I'm sure Cool Deaf will make a reappearance someday, he's really cool.
    I haven't gotten around writing my journal lately, but drawing/art – to me – is just as expressive.
    PS @Pierce I just re-watched Conan I and it was the shit!
    "Do you know what terrors lie behind these walls?"
    "Then, you go first."
    Hahaha. I also like how there's a lot of nude women and blood. That's pretty cool. What I like best though is the "superficial deepness" that is consistent throughout the whole movie.
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  5. destoroyah added a post in a topic Do your Parents help or hurt your video game addiction?   

     I could complain. I could praise. They did some wrong stuff – and I forgive them for everything – but I will list it:
    they also cornered me like @Piotr making it difficult to change my behavior.they forgot me in front of the TVthey didn't spend much time with me – I was always a nuisance, despite being a very quiet and obedient kidI wanted to box and play the drums as a kid, they wanted me to play the recorder and do judo (I hated that, and I still want to box and drum to this day, I wish they would've just let me. In the end I financed my own lessons for drumming (1000$ per year) and never had the courage to train for boxing)my mom was an alcoholic – that created incredible issues and just listing those would explode the thread. As a consequence I had a lot of issues to solve after moving out, it is probably the reason I'm still not done with my bachelor at age 30 – but that shouldn't matter – I just wish she had been stronger and to justify that wish I take her situation as an example and it to my duty to never surrendermy dad hid from my mom's problems and turned into a workaholic – leaving me and my siblings to fix the problem (and they soon left or turned to drugs), I never fixed the problem, I just needed to live with (hiding in videogames) it because I had no authority over her, and now she's standing closely before dementiaThat all contributing to me forfeiting reality.
    Nevertheless, I don't blame them, because I know their circumstances – and they weren't easy. Our family had been a project where we all tugged thru in our own way, and I forgive them and I love them despite everything. It's now fairly stable after having collapsed, and I like the peace in its ruins. I tried not to put the blame on them – even though as a teen I sort of did – because it doesn't solve shit. I'm sure that if I ever had kids, there'd be something bad about me as a parent – even if I'd give it my all. There always is, in every family, and if there isn't – they're fakeass people.
    In the end I'm thankful for all the problems, because I have found solutions for most of them and that has granted me spirit, relentlessness, character and versatility.
    My mom could've done better, if she hadn't taken so much shit from everyone.
    To get me away from videogames... hm... I don't think that I as a kid needed more attention, rather should they have paid more attention to themselves. They never set an example that I deemed worth following, I think that's a foundation of the problem. They did things right, because they felt it should be that way, not because they actually pursued their heart. To me, it seems, they tried to do well, because it was expected. They should've lived more by heart.
    Of course I might be romanticizing it... but I know that I don't want to follow their footsteps because they are too forced. I want to find the stuff that is intrinsic to me.
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  6. destoroyah added a post in a topic A new comer into, and some tips to fellow quitters   

    I too like DESTROING. Haha.
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  7. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    @Simms You're right. Thanks for pointing out my mistakes, I will be more aware of it in the future. Thanks for being part of this community and demonstrating me to grow, it's good to see my limits every now and then, and be inspired by someone that has surpassed them.
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  8. destoroyah added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Yaaa we makin 90 days no matter what!! I stopped counting, but I should be somewhere near – not giving a fuck. Haha.
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  9. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    Ya bum! You can't jump in like this. Keep it simple and train with like 3-5kgs (I'm talking about using 2 dumbbells) max the first months (go for repetition). Except on bench press and flies (10kg+ ok, because here you are laying on your back and abs+back aren't that much required and chest is a very "hungry" muscle)
    It's just about form in the beginning. Just use the bars or very light weight. Use a mirror to check form.
    Bent over back stuff: Just the bars and no weight – or very very little. (You will damage yourself permanently otherwise!!)
    Squats need abs and legs trained! With short handles: leave them hanging on the sides. With big handle bar: rest it on your shoulders. Wrists can't curl in this exercise?

    (keep your back straight at all times and your abs under tension. 90° leg bent for starters – more is desirable, do more than 90° without weights only though, at first. also, shift your butt, don't let your knees go past the tip of your toes when looking from above. look ahead and keep a highly masculine facial expression. Training without a shirt also helps, so does thrash metal and queer pants. Refer to sexy German model)
    Also wrists are a big problem in handling heavy weights. Be careful and maybe get wristwraps. Do stupid pushups and shit.
    No heavy weights. Max repetition the first few months. Also you are only 17? Your body is not ready yet for stupid heavy lifting. Train core stuff. Pushups and situps, planks, squats – some girly yoga stretching. you can't have done enough yet!! I trained like 6 months (daily jogging at 2,5-5km and abs/back + stretching) before I even touched a dumbbell (I was very slow and careful, yea, but I know what I'm talking about. I started at age 27 and had never done sports before, besides school)
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  10. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Journey Within   

    There is no winner in compromise, but it's so exhausting. I hate it.
    I know a day on YouTube sucks, but I'm spending my second day at the computer now, and I'm kind of glad to. I mean, I know I should do stuff, but I can't be bothered. Maybe you sometimes need it that way? There is a slim margin between self torture and discipline that is constructive. Surely, we're unable to ever tell the difference, but telling yourself "I must do this and that" doesn't help... It's thinking about the good stuff that gets me to do good things. I do sports not because "I must!" but because I know I feel better afterwards. Because I wanna punch someone in the face.
    So uh... maybe don't see "stopping Internet surfing" but see what gains you have from it. I know that's hard because you might lack other "good experiences", perspective, I am questing for that myself. Staring at the ground all day don't help much, but that's gravity I guess. You can't always fight gravity, just sometimes. I'm rambling.
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  11. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #34 - DAY XX:

    "The Fly" – if you look closely you can see that I wrote swear words in there, maybe this way I can pack my anger somewhere.
    (In this specific piece the big strong fast as fuck invincible fly, which looks like a roach, rushes out from the field to get the drop on its victim and chop its fukn head off. SLAYER RULZ, DIE DIE DIE!!!)
    (I somehow stopped counting days – counting suxx!)
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  12. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    Haha. I ordered some colored pencils. Scanning all that old stuff itched me to do some non-digital drawing again but I also am currently tinkering with coloring some of it. Also I haven't uploaded the 10+ comic pages yet, that I have laying around for 10 years. I want to color them too – do them justice. One step at a time, but yea, I'm incited for continuing old pieces and creating new!
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  13. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #33 - DAY XX:
    took the time to scan and upload a lot of shit – some of it rather bad, but I like the rawness. Have a look
    I got some days off now. I hope I can recuperate from work. Just being at home feels great. *sips coffee*
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  14. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #32 - DAY XX:
    I've been working too much on that stupid part time job now.
    Haven't got around planning next semester, I'm not getting anywhere at uni, I've lost track of where I was and where I wanted to be.
    But that's all fixable... I guess, I'll just need to work harder... do more shit I dislike. AGAIN.
    What's really been bugging me though, is that, despite all my efforts in my personal and professional lives – I seem to be getting nowhere and I still need to take shit from all fronts and endure stuff that I despise. I'm really aggressive, people close to me have turned into a waste of time. I see some random person on the street and the first thought I have "get out of my way, you stupid fuck", then a glare and then this rising urge of grabbing his throat and choking him - or even her, it doesn't distinguish between gender or age. It is unfounded and without reason, but my frustration seems to be seeking a target, and one of these days – I fear – the next best person will do.
    I've been paying close attention to maintaining my sports routine and I'm going to my limit where I can to tire myself, but this doesn't help me relieve my anger. I listen to heavy metal, and I've played with the thought that it might serve as an amplifier for my anger, rather than an outlet, but these past weeks I rarely had the time to actually listen to any music and I don't ever wear headphones on the go as it gives me the feeling of impairing my senses but my anger levels are at their peak. I had to prevent myself from writing in my journal "I want to kill someone" for 20 pages, because I really felt like it.
    Today I almost bought a NES, because I really want to play Castlevania III. I thought "yea, these kids at game quitters are all struggling with girlsy shitty DOTA crap, NES is the shit!" – and all sortsa crap to justify a purchase. I really miss my NES sessions, I could never play more than 1-2 hours in a row, because it was rather tiresome and got boring at the point you kept trying and failing that impossible level. There were never drops, or loot, there was only skill. No chances, only you and blisters on your thumbs.
    This anger is my biggest enemy, it would have the power to drive me into a relapse, because I know that gaming has always been the place where I could pack it – never to come back. And when I arrived at the near end stages on Castlevania III ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J8XqDENH1Y&list=PLEFFCC6ED90E41A23&index=15 ), or when I got to the final level of Shatterhand ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=175LKhA0vu4&index=10&list=PLED35EE5076954DFA) to beat it again, smelled the chance of a complete playthru, I felt as if my two eyes were all in the world and every millisecond counted eternity. Right there in the zone with myself, by myself and not in need of anyone to cheer me on – I was self sufficient, score was my feedback and going from the left side to the right was my only purpose. It was simple and stupid – as life should me.
    I've tried finding a substitute, and I've realized there is none for that. Not drawing, not doing anything with computers, not making music, not exercising and not cooking. Sure, they all help channel my "soul" and maintain it – but in the end I'm still empty on the inside. All these things just manifest me and keep me working. But there is nothing that uses me up as I want to, nothing that challenges me enough to get rid of my anger. When I pass an exam – I feel no accomplishment. Recently I've gone from jogging 5kms to 10kms – no feeling of accomplishment. I lift, I lose weight, I look like a Levis model if you chop my head off – no feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I do, I feel nothing. I can do anything I set hand on, and sometimes it surprises me that I can, but there is no pleasure drawn out of it. As if that shit was just hard coded in my spine and nothing to it really. Nothing I may feel proud of, because the moment I do I lose these skills. Women seem to be happy to receive my attention, but I never give them any – because I see a million flaws and problems with having them in my life. I see a million flaws in everyone in fact. Maybe because I'm working so hard on myself and I'm frustrated that I'm still unhappy with how things are and the next best idiot seems to be doing fine. Even though he isn't, and I know, but my frustration don't care.
    Maybe I haven't looked hard enough for that passion of mine, but I feel this passive deathwish in me rising more and more, either that, or the desire to shortwire and attack someone random. I've done it all by the book and beyond. I did it all right and it's still there, my heart can't endure this shit anymore. I have no problem resisting gaming, when it comes down to reality, but some part of me tells me it's my only passion. I've been shuffling through this desert, and there's a million cans to drink called gaming. I feel hollow. I feel like I could consume this whole world with just a stare at the ground for too long.
    Something good could happen to me once in a while... I mean, I don't think that way, I only believe in actively pursuing my goals, dreams and wishes but there are none. I don't give a shit. People in my life show me nothing new. Maybe I am just a bad listener... but... well I try, and I know... there is nothing new.
    This phase will end like any. I was kind of hoping that writing would inspire me, but instead it only robbed me of my time and with that – sleep. Fuck.
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  15. destoroyah added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Yo Csaba, I only read the TLDR, flew by the rest – I'm one of the busy people ATM, and my advice might not hit the spot. But I strike anyways – because I gotta.
    You sound unfocused. Keep doing sports, maintain good diet and sleep. I know that's stupid advice, but I know by experience that that is 80% of being good at what ever. Most people underestimate though.
    Internet addiction is because you keep clicking thru, be more aware of what you read. Develop a mechanism that asks itself "what does that help me?" every 30mins. If you are relaxin – cool. If you are researchin – cool. If you're just browsing, following a line – NOT COOL.
    I only got 45 "free" minutes a day, this was 15 – and you are always worth it (even when I call you an idiot!), remember! I hope you can make something of it. I see it as my duty to see you not welk under pressure.
    All the best!
    PS I just killed a fly with my bare hands, brutal!!
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