ENTRY #44 – DAY 0:
Okay. Thing is, I played Diablo 1 after stumbling over an HD mod that enables it to play widescreen and 1080p and I was like "whoooaa".
So I played it. And it was fuckin' awesome, it was everything I wanted it to be and the best Diablo ever. I've had a deep connection with this game, my brother and I have played it since release. This game is like... part of me. I think Diablo 2 and 3 are for pussies and Diablo 1 is the shit with proudness and everything. I love the sound design, I love the graphics, I love the stupid story and the fact that "This is the dungeon, there is only one dungeon and you have to keep on going down. This is it. Nothing else.". I loved the simplicity. The stupidity and the brutality. That after death you lose ALL your equipment and that players can hurt each other in multiplayer by default. The darkness and loneliness it conveys. The soundtrack.
So... I'm not surprised that this game caught me. It's like... my favorite game of all time and it unifies all things I love about gaming.
I just uninstalled it and deleted my save. Even though I had fun and even if it was the coolest shit ever, I realized that the hours were passing and I was out of this world. I realized that I was losing track of time. I noticed that I was not taking a shit when I needed to take a shit and that I was putting off other things as well. I realized that I was not confronting my emotions but rather putting them off. I noticed that with every hour I wasted on gaming, I was losing my edge – my ability to kick ass.
I didn't make the 90 days detox and... well I wouldn't call myself a failure because I got like 89.5 and it isn't a black and white thing. It's not like on day 90 some enlightenment occurs and you get your shit straight – but deep inside I probably was kind of expecting that. I was expecting that shit would "solve itself" when I abstain from gaming and I was "let down" by the fact that it doesn't. It's not that simple, the changes are gradual and very hard to notice, it's hard to keep track. In my disappointment I manifested doubt in me, and that doubt led to the relapse. I was thinking "well, if shit doesn't make a difference anyways, I might as well play videogames! Oh cool, check it out, the Diablo 1 mod I've been hoping for since the last decade! What a coincidence!". I hadn't accomplished many improvements in my life, and the improvements were very subtle.
To rebuild myself I need to assess some things that "not-gaming" has brought into my life:
1. saved time
2. sports = lean and healthy, posture
3. intimidating, less shy, kindness
5. mind and heart more unified, improved concentration, ability to listen, memory and organizational skills, multi-tasking, emotional stability, enjoy the things at hand, focus
6. read books, gain useful skills and get inspired
7. drawing and getting real appreciation feels much better
8. less things are reliant on chance, take control, grow much more predatory
9. open to new things, not afraid to try something new, horizon has expanded greatly.
10. eating habits have improved, healthy
I hope my 2.5 days of relapse have not too much negative impact. In my mind I will treat my relapse as an experiment as to how gaming is affecting me with new eyes. Not as a failure to complete 90 days, in my mind I'll just pretend that I made it as to not have too much negativity hovering over me. Losing my self-trust and confidence would be counter-productive.
I will print out this list as a reminder of the improvements I have made, to motivate me to "stick to it".
What follows now is a tedious session of finding out what's fucked up, I don't recommend reading it (it's full of shit, kinda):
For clarity on colors, see notes at ***, don't worry, I'm just analyzing myself to assess damage.
What a chore. I hope I don't lose my stability in "not-gaming". I should have written such a list sooner, I never made clear to myself that I am improving, no one around IRL has cheered me on. Fuck! Always telling myself that I'm good enough to handle my own shit can turn into a problem when I stumble. I need to rely on people more, sadly I seem to be fucking terrible at finding new friends. I have learned to find friends by smoking weed, drinking and playing games – I need new methods. Having turned 30 hasn't made things easier though, they all expect you to be a professional at this age, so you can't just march in as a dumbass and learn from your mistakes – you gotta read up on what you get into. I need to find methods of getting to know people – or better yet finding methods on getting to know people that I like. I dislike them all. I need to work on myself in that aspect. I need to find out why I think that everyone is a stupid motherfucker. I need to find out why I find it a "waste of time" to converse with them. Why I feel that they never tell me anything new, why I feel that there is no information in their heads of use.
I'm stuck up. But that isn't all of it. I'm an elitist and acting more on the part than being it. I need to lower my expectations of others, but it seems unreasonable because I'm struggling with so much and I see dumb motherfuckers all about snacking at McDonald's and playing "Match 3 Games".
How the fuck am I supposed to make friends with these people? Either they're fucking clueless – or they know so much about their subject that they're fucking busy smartassing me up about it.
That is my perception at least. And it is false. I generalize too much. I need to find the middle-ground, but the middle ground is so low profile that it never reaches my attention. I only look up and down.
Hm. Okay. Well I can't change the world, so I'll need to discover some new social weaknesses in me that need fixing. Sadly I am surrounded by dumb motherfuckers in my apartment that can't teach me jack despite me having the attitude "everyone can teach me something". They can't. One of them needs more iodine in his thyroid gland and the other is 10 years younger than me living in vanity. I see no trait in them that impresses me the slightest. Is that already the error? Should I be able to see the positive thing in them? One of them is busy constantly challenging me in every single aspect thinkable, constantly having moodswings and lashing unfounded aggression at me, promising things that he doesn't keep based on his "forgetfulness" because he has some easy-to-fix hormone deficiency and the other hasn't realized yet that you should take out the trash, when the trashcan is full, and remove your moldy shit from the fridge, when the fridge stinks and take a piss while sitting down so the toilet don't smell like urine and throw away a dirty sponge when packing out a new one instead of hiding it for "safe keeping". Fucking idiots. How am I able to learn from them? You tell me. And whats worst is that they both have girlfriends that giggle 24/7. Like WTF, these guys couldn't wipe their own ass if a Mafiosi put a Tommy gun to their head, and they are in stupid happy relationships.
Is that unfair? No, I don't have a girlfriend because I lack the ability to see past the 100 flaws and weaknesses that I spot at first sight. I have become wary that I should never attempt to fix them, but I also know that if I don't fix them that I have to live with them. And I don't. I don't want to live with your illness, stupidity, addiction and unhealthy shit. Your dorky face and ugly butt. Your lack of education. Your inability to fight, work hard and improve yourself. Your inability to speak open about it. Your fucking WhatsApp and smartphone addiction. Your fake fingernails and overdone makeup. Your shitty taste in music that I'd feel embarrassed for. Your inability to discern a good movie from a bad one. Your inability to speak English as well as I do. Your inability to sit down and get your ass to do shit. Your inability to take a drill and drill a hole in the wall. To fix shit. What can a woman give me except sex? Nothing. In fact she just lays hurdles. Stupid hurdles that I kick out of my way. Since the emancipation of women, I have been left with teaching myself how to clean, cook and get my room to look tidy and "in chime" with colors. I have been left with teaching myself the fashion and good clothes. Teaching myself to treat my body. If anyone tells me something new, I feel challenged in my competence. So what's left for you to do for me? Nothing. How can we have fun together? I'll tell you, Step 1: Quit wasting my time. Step 2: Stay the fuck out of my way. Step 3: You don't tell me anything. Step 4: Ask directly for my help if you need it, because I won't help you otherwise. Yea, that's me putting the "nsh" in "relationship" – the sound of getting punched in the face that is.
I know what I just wrote down is wrong. And I know some women probably think similarly, and I really really want to stay out of their way, because I know they'd explode my face.
But that's the frustration that I need to get rid off. Those are the things that I need to work out in order to get along with people. I think more negative about them, than positive. In fact, I see no single positive trait in any person, except the few friends I have. That's not a good basis for getting to know people.
I really don't know how to fix this. I'm reading "How to win friends and influence people" but all I see are new tactics to manipulate them. To get them to do what I want them to do. Not a book on how to "Accept their idiocy" to "See the good in them".
Maybe I'm just really unlucky with the people I've met so far in life (actually I really believe this), but my experience has shaped me – and the result is a fucked up antisocial piece of shit. I'm not rude, I'm not unkind, I'm just extremely defensive and life has taught me to stay the fuck away from people because they fuck my shit up. I'm not afraid of them. I'm not anxious. I just see no good in them. NOTHING good. Not a single good trait. NOTHING. And if someone is superior to me, I only attempt to find methods to make their positive traits my own. Learn from them. But I don't need them around to learn from them, I can teach myself after I have seen their strength. In fact, I have never really learned from anybody. I get like an inferiority complex when someone is better than me. Then I hide, train train train, and come back when I'm better than them. Or comparable. I don't challenge them then, but I feel safe and I don't need to avoid them then. I'm totally fucked up. There is no light in my world.
How can I fix that? Do I need a shrink? I don't think I can accept a shrink, because the second he tells me something I'd feel challenged by him and I'd want to prove him wrong or get my own degree in psychology so I don't need to accept him as my mentor – so I don't need to listen to his potentially incompetent bullshit. No matter the cost.
So there's my problem. I can't accept the idea of anyone being better than me. In ANYTHING. And anyone who is worse than me is deemed a "SUCKA" that needs to be told. I have stopped telling for now though, but the perspective remains.
It doesn't make sense though, because in reality I am quite "calm" and a "good person" – at least if I can heed the feedback that I get. But what's going on in my mind, a constant struggle and over-the-top competitiveness is the complete opposite of what I seem to be to the outside world.
***I need a model:
Outside me (only assessable by feedback from other people, which is oddly usually positive in nature – but this may have other reasons)Inside me (instinct; evil, competitive, apeman, cool, exciting, masculine) <– fucked up by living in a weird world and having learnt stupid truths, learns whatever it wantsdeep inside me (reason; good, smart, slow, requires lots of peace to work, has not much to say and is pretty boring) <– learns what I choose.I just realized this is the same model as David Kahneman in "thinking fast and slow". I should finish that book.
Hm. Whatever. Time I get moving. Stupid fucking mental work, I hate this shit. My "problems" and shit, I wanna punch someone! Stupid freaking girlsy waste of time shit. As if anything I ever write down in one of these sessions ever hits the mark. Motherfucking piece of shit crap world shit.