"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."


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About destoroyah

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  • Birthday 11/21/1986

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  1. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #33 - DAY XX:
    took the time to scan and upload a lot of shit – some of it rather bad, but I like the rawness. Have a look
    I got some days off now. I hope I can recuperate from work. Just being at home feels great. *sips coffee*
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  2. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #32 - DAY XX:
    I've been working too much on that stupid part time job now.
    Haven't got around planning next semester, I'm not getting anywhere at uni, I've lost track of where I was and where I wanted to be.
    But that's all fixable... I guess, I'll just need to work harder... do more shit I dislike. AGAIN.
    What's really been bugging me though, is that, despite all my efforts in my personal and professional lives – I seem to be getting nowhere and I still need to take shit from all fronts and endure stuff that I despise. I'm really aggressive, people close to me have turned into a waste of time. I see some random person on the street and the first thought I have "get out of my way, you stupid fuck", then a glare and then this rising urge of grabbing his throat and choking him - or even her, it doesn't distinguish between gender or age. It is unfounded and without reason, but my frustration seems to be seeking a target, and one of these days – I fear – the next best person will do.
    I've been paying close attention to maintaining my sports routine and I'm going to my limit where I can to tire myself, but this doesn't help me relieve my anger. I listen to heavy metal, and I've played with the thought that it might serve as an amplifier for my anger, rather than an outlet, but these past weeks I rarely had the time to actually listen to any music and I don't ever wear headphones on the go as it gives me the feeling of impairing my senses but my anger levels are at their peak. I had to prevent myself from writing in my journal "I want to kill someone" for 20 pages, because I really felt like it.
    Today I almost bought a NES, because I really want to play Castlevania III. I thought "yea, these kids at game quitters are all struggling with girlsy shitty DOTA crap, NES is the shit!" – and all sortsa crap to justify a purchase. I really miss my NES sessions, I could never play more than 1-2 hours in a row, because it was rather tiresome and got boring at the point you kept trying and failing that impossible level. There were never drops, or loot, there was only skill. No chances, only you and blisters on your thumbs.
    This anger is my biggest enemy, it would have the power to drive me into a relapse, because I know that gaming has always been the place where I could pack it – never to come back. And when I arrived at the near end stages on Castlevania III ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J8XqDENH1Y&list=PLEFFCC6ED90E41A23&index=15 ), or when I got to the final level of Shatterhand ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=175LKhA0vu4&index=10&list=PLED35EE5076954DFA) to beat it again, smelled the chance of a complete playthru, I felt as if my two eyes were all in the world and every millisecond counted eternity. Right there in the zone with myself, by myself and not in need of anyone to cheer me on – I was self sufficient, score was my feedback and going from the left side to the right was my only purpose. It was simple and stupid – as life should me.
    I've tried finding a substitute, and I've realized there is none for that. Not drawing, not doing anything with computers, not making music, not exercising and not cooking. Sure, they all help channel my "soul" and maintain it – but in the end I'm still empty on the inside. All these things just manifest me and keep me working. But there is nothing that uses me up as I want to, nothing that challenges me enough to get rid of my anger. When I pass an exam – I feel no accomplishment. Recently I've gone from jogging 5kms to 10kms – no feeling of accomplishment. I lift, I lose weight, I look like a Levis model if you chop my head off – no feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I do, I feel nothing. I can do anything I set hand on, and sometimes it surprises me that I can, but there is no pleasure drawn out of it. As if that shit was just hard coded in my spine and nothing to it really. Nothing I may feel proud of, because the moment I do I lose these skills. Women seem to be happy to receive my attention, but I never give them any – because I see a million flaws and problems with having them in my life. I see a million flaws in everyone in fact. Maybe because I'm working so hard on myself and I'm frustrated that I'm still unhappy with how things are and the next best idiot seems to be doing fine. Even though he isn't, and I know, but my frustration don't care.
    Maybe I haven't looked hard enough for that passion of mine, but I feel this passive deathwish in me rising more and more, either that, or the desire to shortwire and attack someone random. I've done it all by the book and beyond. I did it all right and it's still there, my heart can't endure this shit anymore. I have no problem resisting gaming, when it comes down to reality, but some part of me tells me it's my only passion. I've been shuffling through this desert, and there's a million cans to drink called gaming. I feel hollow. I feel like I could consume this whole world with just a stare at the ground for too long.
    Something good could happen to me once in a while... I mean, I don't think that way, I only believe in actively pursuing my goals, dreams and wishes but there are none. I don't give a shit. People in my life show me nothing new. Maybe I am just a bad listener... but... well I try, and I know... there is nothing new.
    This phase will end like any. I was kind of hoping that writing would inspire me, but instead it only robbed me of my time and with that – sleep. Fuck.
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  3. destoroyah added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Yo Csaba, I only read the TLDR, flew by the rest – I'm one of the busy people ATM, and my advice might not hit the spot. But I strike anyways – because I gotta.
    You sound unfocused. Keep doing sports, maintain good diet and sleep. I know that's stupid advice, but I know by experience that that is 80% of being good at what ever. Most people underestimate though.
    Internet addiction is because you keep clicking thru, be more aware of what you read. Develop a mechanism that asks itself "what does that help me?" every 30mins. If you are relaxin – cool. If you are researchin – cool. If you're just browsing, following a line – NOT COOL.
    I only got 45 "free" minutes a day, this was 15 – and you are always worth it (even when I call you an idiot!), remember! I hope you can make something of it. I see it as my duty to see you not welk under pressure.
    All the best!
    PS I just killed a fly with my bare hands, brutal!!
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  4. destoroyah added a post in a topic Freaking out...   

    Cancel preorder, save some cash. Buy a hammer for 100$ use it on the HDD.
    I'm joking!
    You can get a decent hammer for 10-15$ and using a hammer is dangerous, use a drill. Or cook it. That could be dangerous though, I don't know. Maybe the vacuum exploodes.
    Wiping is the first step, you don't really lose anything, only the magnetic orientation of little metal particles change – or if you are using a flash drive... uh... I would have to look that up – but it's probably some stupid electron load on an atom.
    If you want to relapse, Call of Duty 10 is around the corner and everyone has to start over anyways. Canceling a subscription is undoable, they won't delete your account. Besides, it probably takes the rest of a month for it to "run out".
    What are you afraid of? I stashed all my crap in a little box. I think I will sell it soon, but the video game market is actually a pretty good way to invest money, the value rarely drops after the initial couple of years. Might take some kids money for that, haha.
    Hahahaha. Hahahahahahaha.
    Good luck!
    Love and Peace,
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  5. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    Uh uh..., you have to use your head of course!!
    PS: New Havok Album "Conformicide" is out – just found out, I have no opinion yet, but I'm afraid nothing beats "Time is up" and "Burn"..
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  6. destoroyah added a post in a topic Starting Over With A Fresh (Real) Life   

    Getting physically fit is one of the best cornerstones you can set in life!
    Best wishes!
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  7. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    @Granitwelle Ah!!! I started that series months ago and never finished, thanks so much for reminding me of its name. Uh, you... isn't your avatar from it? Heh. You must be very fond of it. I too think it is a good series, but not done yet, so I can't tell.
    @Schwing Keep drawing shitty pictures and doing sports!! Every meter your pencil travels will make you .01% better!
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  8. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #31 - DAY 63:
    Working kills creativity. I have decided that I need to save as much money as possible. Time isn't money – Money is TIME. Since I don't want to work.
    I can't write anymore, it really seems as if working has killed any muse in me. Lobotomy.
    Oh Lobotomy... what a great band name! Uh... it probably exists already, eh?
    Swedish Death Metal and Argentine Thrash, just my genres, point blank! Hahaha. Brutal! Gotta start listening to it.
    EDIT: Okay I've delved into some sick youtube playlists and I'm on Metal Safari, this shit is good!!
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  9. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #30 - DAY 62:
    What a week. Work is hell, I need to do anything I can to not fall into one of those 9-5 lifestyles. It's... no it's not for me. I would probably hang myself within a couple of years and don't call me lazy. I can work hard and I would die for my beliefs – but working 9-5 so that someone can drive a Benz instead of a normal car is not one of them. Either I drive the Benz or I ride a bicycle, and honestly I really really really don't give a shit which one of the two it is, but I for sure as fuck don't want to go 9-5 on anything. Nope. I will not.
    The big fear I have is, though, I don't know how to make money on my own. Maybe I could move to a country where you only need like 200$ a month to live, and sell something to rich kids in the US that I have engineered for 10$. You know, minimize my own costs and don't give a shit about how much I make. I'm good at minimizing costs, but terrible at maximizing profit. My tongue is not serpent-y enough to rip people off, as I like being honest and I like helping.
    Sounds like a plan. Now, said place only need be English speaking and not in danger of getting shot in the head by an AK47, and this is where it all goes to hell. I mean, Asia could be OK, like move to Indonesia or Thailand, you know. Island, beach, and enough tourism so that the state is interested in keeping a "caucasian friendly" atmosphere. Where tourism is big enough to get by with speaking English.
    *Googles* https://www.expatinfodesk.com/ ah there you go, now I only need a business idea...
    So Indonesia, Morocco, Malaysia/Singapor or Thailand could be places to pursue such a lifestyle. These countries are fairly stable, cheap and might be acceptant enough to foreigners. Oh god, what a weird idea. It is for the far future, I need to finish my degree first, but... yea I should keep an eye open. Maybe the US are also an option, I do have an American passport, so... that'd be easy.
    Germany is a very complicated place to pursue a freelance lifestyle, unless you have someone that personally teaches you the nits and grits. There is so many laws and regulations that actually make this a very safe place BUT it is fucking confusing unless you are an adept at law and economy. And I hate reading law and economy texts.
    The more I think about it... actually I am doing just the right things to get where I want. My part-time job allows me that freedom to learn how to do what I want. I am in a position of decent power - for a part-timer. I put out buy and sell orders on my own pretty much... this is what I need to learn to be a good freelancer. SHIT, WOW. I never was aware of this. It's all by coincidence, but... I'm setting this up good without knowing.
    Okay. Cool. There is a red line somewhere here to hold on to. Don't lose sight of those goals and just... well don't follow that red line, but tug the shit out of it till the world falls over.
    Hang in there, hang in there destoroyah, it's working.
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  10. destoroyah added a post in a topic tirEdOrange's Journal   

    I applied a similar tactic when I quit smoking. Each cigarette was a ritual I had to break. I had to defeat the cigarette while drinking a coffee. The cigarette when I failed an exam. The cigarette on the way to the subway. The cigarette after eating. Every single one of them was a habit on its own, it wasn't "smoking", it was a million different ritualistic cigarettes I had accumulated that turned me into a smoker. I kept a checklist in my head, and it was true, if I had defeated one of these cigarettes 2-3 times in total, they never called for a craving again.
    I don't know if this tactic works with gaming, they are very different kinds of addictions, but if your addiction is very extreme it might be a good approach. Identify every game, every moment, every reaction as its own challenge and check it off when you defeat it. Gives you a feeling of progress!
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  11. destoroyah added a post in a topic Übermensch   

    Keep clear of that maelstrom that you call thinking. One word follows the next for eternity, and there is no meaning. In the end, you may still be sitting where you are. As a skeleton, a shadow. There is no meaning in finding out that your body represents your mind, or whatever conclusion you may derive. Even if you are smart in your ability to recognize the patterns in this mosaic that people call "Life" in their madness to give everything a name. There is no reason, and there is no smart thing that will make you move. You are unhappy because you are not moving. I know I wrote something similar in Pierces journal, but I have realized only when I'm going from A to B am I happy. There is nothing good in A or B and the reason I start going don't matter either. Okay. I might be crazy. I probably am. This is it. I'm done.
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  12. destoroyah added a post in a topic The Journey Within   

    Hey, in the Zhuangzhi it says that there is no path, the only reason there are paths is because we are in motion. You moving is the path. I thought that was interesting, because a path isn't as stale as one might think. It is a dynamic thing that broadens when people walk on it. Or something that may get overgrown, when forgotten... You are the path. "Dao" in Chinese is not just "path" it also means "walk", "course" or "flow". I'm not sure about the synonyms, as I'm translating my German freely, but what I mean to say is that there is a dynamic component many people don't pay attention to.
    I've drawn confidence by not seeking masculinity in mind, instead I've stopped caring about what people may define as "masculine" and just started being what I am. Carrying my heart to the outside world, whatever that may be, keep my heartbeat true. Even in weakness that has made me strong, even when I shed tears – I know that shedding tears requires more courage than "appearing strong".
    Most "men" are stiff, not strong. Paralyzed and immobile in fear. You see them on daily basis, a true gaze can make them tremble. Some of their reflections drown in your eyes, deep as black water, eternal tranquility that lasts an instant, when you manage to uphold clarity and awareness. It is a very distinctive feeling and you know when it's there.
    Define "Man" as anyone will, you will never be a man to everyone you meet - but you can stop being a child by carrying that inner child to the outside world without fear of rejection.
    I do seek masculinity in the physical realm though, by training and attempting to maintain a body that I deem "fit".
    I don't have time to write more, I'm done for the day. My life has gotten tough and I see from actually working that some people get stuck at where I am right now. I don't want to get stuck here, working, it is not what I deem a good life. My time is worth more than money can pay for. After I die, I'll be gone for eternity, I want to breathe the world and move, not get stuck behind a desk... as many do. I like my heartbeat way too much as to waste it on some paper bullshit. The importance people put into this, the stress derived from things that don't matter for shit is incredible. People die and I worry about deadlines. What the fuck. That doesn't make sense.

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  13. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #29 - DAY XX: (no time to check)
    Still alive. No time to write though, I got a working week and... well cooking, sports, cleaning and eating pretty much takes all my time. Still going strong though, not about to relapse or sad or anything. Quite well actually, the Zhuangzi is my best friend, and I like thoughtless gazing into emptiness when I find the time.
    In the 45 mins of "free" time I got per day, I am watching detective conan movies. It's so chilled.
    My training is going well, I feel pretty racked and kickass. Sometimes I pretend to look into the Zhuangzi book, but actually I am just looking at women's behinds.
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  14. destoroyah added a post in a topic Abstaining from digital entertainment   

    You haven't learned to live. Some days I am thankful for every breath I can take. And there is nothing special. No girlfriends, no drugs, nothing that grants me pleasure... nothing, just me and the absence of a myriad of bad things that serve as a measure of how good my life is just by having food and a rooftop. And thrash metal.
    Uh. Value? No one has value. Nothing has value. Value is just a concept we invented. You can put value into sand at the beach or your feces. I put value into every breath I take, that's a good start.
    How do you know that that is good? Someone told you? Hehe, think about it.
    Good luck on your path, I'll check up on you if I find the muse and time. 
    Oh.. and also, pathways only exist because people walk. Without motion, there'd be no path. The absence of a decision is also a decision.
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  15. destoroyah added a post in a topic HAIKU for Gamequitters   

    and my own poem is wrong too!
    "Just how many lives
    I must have borne office chaired
    demising my soul"
    So much filler now!
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