"Be open to all outcomes, but attached to none."

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Activity Stream

  1. Mhyrion added a post in a topic Shine Magical's journal   

    You certainly deserve a break! Congrats on the test!
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  2. Mhyrion added a post in a topic Journal KevinV1990 [NL]   

    Prettig om een keer wat in het nederlands te lezen, ben benieuwd naar het vervolg.
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  3. Mhyrion added a post in a topic Mhyrions journey   

    The support of you guys is priceless <3
     
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    Yesterday wasn't as productive as it could've been. I went home early because I was done having people around me. Had another fight with hubby in the evening, I dunno what's in the air this week, but it's wearing me out to fight with him this much. It's pretty pointless too. He keeps complaining I should exercise more, but he never gives me credit for all the other stuff I accomplish in the meanwhile. Yes I failed to exercise again, it's just not something I am naturally interested in at all. It takes a lot of effort to keep doing it and I rather do something else with my evenings, like the social things I have picked up. I am pretty done with him expressing disappointment in me, I need support. At the same time, I really need to work on staying cool when he's not as supportive as I would like him to be, because I was super inpatient and got really mad. I need to stay cool to prevent the situation from escalating, my reactions at times are putting oil on a fire that's already hot. I rather prevent the situation as a whole, but it's not conceivable this will never happen again.
     
    This morning I felt utterly unmotivated and I noticed I was in a destructive mood. Again(!) dreamt about gaming, only a different game this time. It was a Sims NSFW version, interesting things my brain fabricates. I tried to stay in bed for as long as possible, as staying in bed was a better option then the things my mind was thinking about doing. I haven't done anything productive till this point, but I also prevented myself from relapsing. I want to game so bad, but in essence I just want to hide. I felt strong urges to watch a gaming stream, but prevented myself. I got to the twitch page though, walking a fine line here. Instead I watched the 'what to do when you're about to relapse' vid of Cam. Lifesaver <3 It's pathetic that I still need that, but it worked. I did act on my destructive urges by eating way too much till the point of nauseousness, but that will pass. I feel like I've shattered this morning, but I can also see the pieces. This is interesting, because normally I would not have been able to see things this clear yet. Perhaps experience in reflection is paying off.

    I am going to try and force myself to go outside in the sun. The weather is beautiful today. I shouldn’t care about being productive right now, I need to keep it together first.
     
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    Weekly goals:
    -Fully animate 1 minute 30 (~500/~1080 photos) Still a succes!
    -Speak with both tutors (1/2) Failed to speak with the 2d.
    -Finish a 3d sketch of treehouse (1/1) Succes.
    -Give 100% to counselling
    -preparation (1/1) Nailed it.
    -counselling (1/1) Job well done.
    -Continue being kind and patience with myself. Went pretty good I think.
    -Update in Beyond. Slacking, let's do it today!
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  4. Simms added a post in a topic The mountains are calling...   

    Day #32 - Thursday
    I am in a world of hurt at work. - The pile I was waiting for has all come together and the mountain is gigantic. - Made some headway today... Tomorrow will be organization and delegating. - Delegating more a game of "hot potato" as I try to get things as complete as possible and pass them along for comments. Eep.
    Did a baseball draft at work today. - I don't follow the sport at all, but I did some stats research and came up with a picks list I followed fairly closely using my hockey draft strategy. Time will tell how it turns out, but based on the "metrics" I came up with, my team should be pretty strong. I'm excited to have a reason to follow the game this year!
    My Oilers were awful tonight. But Colorado more resembles an AHL team than a NHL and they came back from multiple 2 goal deficits to win 7-4. Looks more like a football score, but we'll take it.
    Not sleeping well continues. - Really hope things go better tonight.
    Gratitude journal
    The organizer of our baseball draft! Great enthusiasm - fun time for all involved.
    One amazing thing that happened/I did today
    Worked like a madman. - The motivation continues.
    Workout/run
    Squat 5x5 - 175
    OHP 5x5 - 100
    Deadlift 1x5 - 195
    Reading + taking notes
    Nada
    What went well today:
    Fun draft - packed lunch - got into work pretty early.
    What I could have done to make my day better:
    Slept better last night...
    Misc thoughts and plans:
    Haven't even been looking at my monthly and 3-month goals. Need to think about that when I'm mindlessly surfing. I'm running out of time each day and that time I'm wasting could be used to read this and contemplate.
    Plan of action for Sunday: Re-read old journal posts... time to reflect.
    ******************************************************************************************************************
    Weekly Goal(s) - Monday start
    Climb 2x, Stronglifts 3x - So far 2x stronglifts 1xclimb
    Journal daily - So far, so good.
    Track mood daily at least twice on Daylio: So far - 22 day streak - Back to feeling good.
    Monthly Goal
    Information gathering on buying a mountain bike. - Visit the bike shops in town. Friends gonna let me know when the first Demo days start up.
    Use Training for the New Alpinism to assist in shaping training plan. Got the book on my nightstand.  It's screaming to be used.
    NEW - Work hard to the end of April. - Be proud of what I've accomplished.
    3 Month Goal
    Top-rope a 5.12a successfully on the tall wall. Found a suitable project Sunday... will it be up long enough. /sigh
    NEW - Be in excellent condition for June mountain trip.
    Climb 1x technical, 1x non-technical 11,000er in the Canadian Rockies. May need to bump part of this out to 6 months.
    Outline novel. Chunking this. Creating manageable pieces relating to it in my weekly goals. - May need to evaluate if novel work is realistic with work and physical committments.
    Do an editing pass of one of my shorts. Dropping these two as not in line with my current goals and commitment level. To revisit later.
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  5. Cam Adair added a post in a topic LilX Journal.   

    Deep Work is SO good. 
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  6. lilX added a post in a topic LilX Journal.   

    Im doing this 3 months program for self development because i want to take my self improvement to the next level. 
     Im ordering this book off amazon called Deep Work by Cal Newport. This book basically advocates focused, undistracted work when working, and to relax when not working. 
    Im going to implement this by having a maximum of 5 breaks to text/checkemail/check facebook/washroom/eat during my work hours. 
    I work for my dad, so i can do overtime.  
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  7. lilX added a post in a topic Shine Magical's journal   

    Congrats. I find motivation and discipline to be the most challenging when there are no deadlines. 
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  8. magicalmerlinmark added a post in a topic Mindful in Montreal   

    Today I'm grateful for:
    1) being back home in Montreal
    2) having a great dinner with friends
    3) a kickass presentation I did this morning
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  9. Reno F added a post in a topic Shine Magical's journal   

    Congratulations on your test!
    When you feel ready, get your to do list and start crossing some stuff to build momentum!
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  10. Shine Magical added a post in a topic Shine Magical's journal   

    Life is suddenly very empty. I have so much catching up to do (have a long list of stuff I had put off while I was studying) -- and yet, I feel like I have nothing to do.
    Now that I don't have to study every minute of the day and don't have that structure, I feel a bit aimless.
    I have a lot that I want to start working on, but have not yet. While I have borrowed a bunch of books from the library, I do not have the urge to read them. I just want easy entertainment. I am aware that I am now gravitating towards TV shows and internet usage to fill this void. Though I have quit gaming, the core issue is still the same. But at least I have better self control with these other vices.
     
    I think I will treat myself and get used to the new pace of my life before I start cracking down on myself to do stuff, because I deserve a break after what I went through to pass this test.
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  11. Granitwelle added a post in a topic Kaizen - The Quest for Neverending Self-Improvement   

    Journal Day #11 // Days without gaming Day 29// Monk-Mode Day 0                                             Friday, 24/03/2017
    Another productive day, presentation went surprisingly well and all assignments were completed. Furthermore, we also had a nice business dinner in the evening. I was way too formal and tense, however it was enjoyable, the food was great and the wine they served as well. I usually don't drink alcohol nowadays, however it's part of business anyway. I socialised a lot and eventually failed monk-mode (back to square 1). Caught a cold as well, no time to waste and tons of deadlines in the next two weeks. Challenge accepted I presume?
     
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  12. AcupunctureFTW added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    Hang in there!
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  13. AcupunctureFTW added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    What great spirit and style!
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  14. Schwing added a post in a topic The Warrior's Infinite Opus   

    130 days
    Days porn free: 13
    Today I left my comfort zone by:
    Talking to 1 person I don't usually talk toRoutine:
    Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)BioenergeticsCold showerMeditation50 exp duolingoPhysical activityStudy or read 1 hourArt 1 hourGoal from yesterday done?:
    No I actually have quite a bit of stuff I need to do still
    Thoughts and Feelings:
    My late wake up streak is growing.Ordinary school day. Nothing special.Came home. Slayed the work out! I tried squatting with the dumbbells by my sides instead of being raised above my shoulders. I did 10kg on lunges, deadlifts and squatsThis album is fucking dope. So is the art. (Nofap trigger warning- naked woman inside)StudiedShit. it looks like I did nothing today but it felt like a lot haha. Tasks and achievements:
    Physical: workoutMental: studyingSpiritual: What I am grateful for:
    MetalNo fap record broken.I can flex my pecs now.manga and coffee@Simms for workout advice.What I have learnt from today:
    No fap. It's all in the resolve. I formally swore and oath to everyone to not watch porn. I have a strong emotional attachment to this oath and very little can phase it. I had urges today and I destroyed them with remembering my oath and the countless times I have fallen to porn.Need to get back into the swing of things.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:
    Talking to 3 people I don't usually talk to.Goal for tomorrow:
    Get up early and do the thing
    Goal for the month:
    Finish all my coursework. Beat nofap
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  15. destoroyah added a post in a topic Destoroyah's Meltdown   

    ENTRY #32 - DAY XX:
    I've been working too much on that stupid part time job now.
    Haven't got around planning next semester, I'm not getting anywhere at uni, I've lost track of where I was and where I wanted to be.
    But that's all fixable... I guess, I'll just need to work harder... do more shit I dislike. AGAIN.
     
    What's really been bugging me though, is that, despite all my efforts in my personal and professional lives – I seem to be getting nowhere and I still need to take shit from all fronts and endure stuff that I despise. I'm really aggressive, people close to me have turned into a waste of time. I see some random person on the street and the first thought I have "get out of my way, you stupid fuck", then a glare and then this rising urge of grabbing his throat and choking him - or even her, it doesn't distinguish between gender or age. It is unfounded and without reason, but my frustration seems to be seeking a target, and one of these days – I fear – the next best person will do.
    I've been paying close attention to maintaining my sports routine and I'm going to my limit where I can to tire myself, but this doesn't help me relieve my anger. I listen to heavy metal, and I've played with the thought that it might serve as an amplifier for my anger, rather than an outlet, but these past weeks I rarely had the time to actually listen to any music and I don't ever wear headphones on the go as it gives me the feeling of impairing my senses but my anger levels are at their peak. I had to prevent myself from writing in my journal "I want to kill someone" for 20 pages, because I really felt like it.
    Today I almost bought a NES, because I really want to play Castlevania III. I thought "yea, these kids at game quitters are all struggling with girlsy shitty DOTA crap, NES is the shit!" – and all sortsa crap to justify a purchase. I really miss my NES sessions, I could never play more than 1-2 hours in a row, because it was rather tiresome and got boring at the point you kept trying and failing that impossible level. There were never drops, or loot, there was only skill. No chances, only you and blisters on your thumbs.
    This anger is my biggest enemy, it would have the power to drive me into a relapse, because I know that gaming has always been the place where I could pack it – never to come back. And when I arrived at the near end stages on Castlevania III ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J8XqDENH1Y&list=PLEFFCC6ED90E41A23&index=15 ), or when I got to the final level of Shatterhand ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=175LKhA0vu4&index=10&list=PLED35EE5076954DFA) to beat it again, smelled the chance of a complete playthru, I felt as if my two eyes were all in the world and every millisecond counted eternity. Right there in the zone with myself, by myself and not in need of anyone to cheer me on – I was self sufficient, score was my feedback and going from the left side to the right was my only purpose. It was simple and stupid – as life should me.
    I've tried finding a substitute, and I've realized there is none for that. Not drawing, not doing anything with computers, not making music, not exercising and not cooking. Sure, they all help channel my "soul" and maintain it – but in the end I'm still empty on the inside. All these things just manifest me and keep me working. But there is nothing that uses me up as I want to, nothing that challenges me enough to get rid of my anger. When I pass an exam – I feel no accomplishment. Recently I've gone from jogging 5kms to 10kms – no feeling of accomplishment. I lift, I lose weight, I look like a Levis model if you chop my head off – no feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I do, I feel nothing. I can do anything I set hand on, and sometimes it surprises me that I can, but there is no pleasure drawn out of it. As if that shit was just hard coded in my spine and nothing to it really. Nothing I may feel proud of, because the moment I do I lose these skills. Women seem to be happy to receive my attention, but I never give them any – because I see a million flaws and problems with having them in my life. I see a million flaws in everyone in fact. Maybe because I'm working so hard on myself and I'm frustrated that I'm still unhappy with how things are and the next best idiot seems to be doing fine. Even though he isn't, and I know, but my frustration don't care.
    Maybe I haven't looked hard enough for that passion of mine, but I feel this passive deathwish in me rising more and more, either that, or the desire to shortwire and attack someone random. I've done it all by the book and beyond. I did it all right and it's still there, my heart can't endure this shit anymore. I have no problem resisting gaming, when it comes down to reality, but some part of me tells me it's my only passion. I've been shuffling through this desert, and there's a million cans to drink called gaming. I feel hollow. I feel like I could consume this whole world with just a stare at the ground for too long.
    Something good could happen to me once in a while... I mean, I don't think that way, I only believe in actively pursuing my goals, dreams and wishes but there are none. I don't give a shit. People in my life show me nothing new. Maybe I am just a bad listener... but... well I try, and I know... there is nothing new.
    This phase will end like any. I was kind of hoping that writing would inspire me, but instead it only robbed me of my time and with that – sleep. Fuck.
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  16. AcupunctureFTW added a post in a topic Super Saiyan Journal   

    Maybe he will understand. You never know until you try!
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  17. AcupunctureFTW added a post in a topic Starting out on day 1 of the detox!   

    Great job getting started!
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  18. Cam Adair added a post in a topic Starting out on day 1 of the detox!   

    Thanks for purchasing Respawn - really means a lot. Excited to have you as part of our community. We're here to support you!
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  19. Cam Adair added a post in a topic My Journal - Alex   

    Alex is in university.  Watching you grow up! 
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  20. Cam Adair added a post in a topic Giblet's Journal   

    Great job starting your journal - it will help a lot. A lot of different emotions will be coming up right now, just let them be. They will pass.
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  21. Cam Adair added a post in a topic Mhyrions journey   

     
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  22. Cam Adair added a post in a topic LilX Journal.   

    Love this. Thanks for sharing! 
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  23. SuperSaiyanGod added a post in a topic Super Saiyan Journal   

    I'm back home and I don't feel like doing anything. If I were to do anything, it would be either gaming or watching porn, but I don't wanna do these two. I also don't really feel like it. I guess I'll go to bed.
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  24. AcupunctureFTW added a post in a topic 90 Days   

    Stick with it!
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  25. Schwing added a post in a topic Kaizen - The Quest for Neverending Self-Improvement   

    True shit. But sometimes I just can't stand the loneliness.
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